From the U.K.: Hello, I am looking for some advice. I have been seeing a guy since early January, who just ended our relationships suddenly few days ago. When we met, he was keen to see me a lot, despite us living in different countries, and throughout the relationship he would call/text every day. That didn’t change.
I met his parents in late January, and we were official boyfriend/girlfriend after a few weeks. He said, “I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore, I haven’t felt like this since I was in my 20s – I thought it was impossible for me to feel like this again”;. He asked me to move in with him (late May), and was planning summer holidays together, wedding attendances, and even Christmas. In mid april we then had 2 weeks apart, where we were both traveling. We spoke a bit less, as both busy, but when I saw him after that, he ended it within half hour. He said, “it seemed you lost interest, and I have been thinking about it, and I don’t
think I have the feelings I should have”.That was it. No conversation, and no answer as to what may have led to it. All was well two weeks prior, when we spoke about how much we like being there for each other. He even several times spoke about kids and family, and how happy he was I got on well with his parents.
Last month we were in China together to visit his friend, and here he proudly announced that we were moving in together. He was always very loving and attentive. When he ended it, he said that me moving in was a deadline for him moving a decision and it drove him to decide to end.
I have felt throughout that he was interested. I have not been in doubt. However, when we were apart for those two weeks I could feel he pulled away. I don’t know why. In the last few days I have been reading and I found that it could be due to commitment issues. His only long relationship ended 7 years ago, when she left for his best friend. So he was understandably hurt. I wonder if this is the key problem? Or am I wasting my time? When he ended, he said that he can’t imagine someone he’s better suited with.
I have no idea if he has “commitment issues”. I do think both of you were moving much too fast in your relationship. You barely knew each other and had spent very little time together before deciding to move in. I can’t explain your boyfriend’s behavior. I do wish you would take a close look at your own.
What is your hurry? Slow down. Get to really know someone before you give your heart away. Moving as fast as you did is often a set-up for heart break. Take care of yourself by spending the time to let a relationship unfold naturally. If this is a pattern for you, please consider seeing a therapist for awhile to uncover why you let yourself get so quickly involved. You deserve to find and nurture a relationship that builds from a foundation of mutual knowing.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
