From a woman in the U.S.: Been going on since I was a teen. I’ve cheated on every boyfriend numerous times. I don’t feel guilty about it, just try to hide it the best I can. I don’t want to be with them, it’s more of a “conquering” thing. Usually it’s a one time thing, then I no longer desire them. I’ve been with over 2k men in 17 years.
Thank you for writing. This is a complicated question. Since all I have to work with is such a short letter, the only thing I can do is make a few guesses. If any of my ideas resonate with you, you might find it helpful to follow up with a visit to a licensed therapist. That’s if you want to change.
I said “if” because I’m not sure if you are troubled by your behavior. You only said you don’t feel guilt. You did say it’s more of a “conquering” thing. I’m assuming that your partners have been consenting adults, in which case no one is a victim here.
Is it possible that your letter is another expression of the issue? Are you, by any chance, gratified to see your letter about your two thousand conquests reaching thousands of people? If so, then that’s the end of the matter. You will keep doing what you are doing and you will have had an audience for it.
But if you are at all concerned about your behavior, there are a number of possibilities:
Sometimes women who are bent on conquering men are very angry with men in general. The cause is as individual as they are so I can’t venture more than that. Such women use sex to feel more powerful than men. To “love them and leave them” is a way to make men “pay” for something.
Sometimes the root of this type of behavior is sexual abuse when young and helpless. It is a misguided way to try to overcome shame, raise self-esteem, and feel powerful. By repeating and repeating some version of what happened during the abuse, the woman is trying to figure out how to change the outcome.
It’s a sad truth that people who have been victimized often come to the conclusion that there are only two possibilities for any relationship: victim or victimizer. Often people move back and forth between the two options. They are terrified of being a victim. But they are horrified to find themselves being a victimizer. Not understanding a midpoint (where one is in a truly intimate equal relationship) they ratchet between the two until it becomes unbearable. They then may become severely depressed. Hopefully they seek help from a therapist to resolve the root of the behavior.
Then there is the possibility of a mental illness. Its not uncommon for there to be an increase in sexual behavior during the manic phase of bi-polar disorder, for example.
And there is also the possibility of a personality disorder. Guilt-free casual sex is sometimes a factor in narcissistic or sociopathic personality disorder.
I hope you will consider seeing a therapist who can hear your whole story and help you figure out what you are achieving by living this way. Whatever the reason, you are depriving yourself of a genuinely close, caring, loving relationship. I think you deserve to have that in your life.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
