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I Don’t Like People and Want to Be Left Completely Alone

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 17th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I want to be alone. Talking to even one person leaves me emotionally drained and I feel like I need to go to bed. Social interactions like visiting someone’s house or going out with a family member feel pointless. I don’t need to talk to people, nor do I have anything to talk about. So why bother in the first place? Sometimes I’ll ask myself: “Would I be happy if everyone in the world disappeared?”, and lately the answer has been “Yes”.

I’ve never been crazy about being around people for as long as I can remember because growing up, people always fucked me over. Be it others my own age or adults, including my parents who would hide in their room all day smoking pot. I hated it when my grandmother dragged me to some kind of family event and I’d end up sitting by myself because no one else my age was there.

These days no one in my family even wants me to talk anymore. No matter what I say, I’m wrong. I can’t express any of my feelings because I’m labeled as a drama queen for even bringing anything up or I’m told I’m wrong just for feeling a certain way about something. (Example: I hate my aunt because she kicked my cat against the wall and killed it about 3 years ago when she visited. I’m told I’m “wrong for hating her”. I don’t get a reason as to why I’m wrong, I just am)

If anyone even talks to me, they’re talking DOWN to me like I’m an idiot or something. Yet for some reason they wonder why I don’t talk to them anymore.

It’s much more comfortable to be alone in my room, because other people annoy me too much. I don’t like people, and it seems like they don’t like me.  (From the USA)

 What strikes me most about your email is that there is no question, concern, or desire to change. You are simply stating that you do not like want need or care about social contact or connection. So why write the letter?  Why reach out and declare you need to stay isolated?  What were you hoping for? What would have been a good response?

I ask these questions because you wrote the email for a reason. Finding out what your purpose was in writing it might be a good place to begin. Remaining isolated is a choice and a freedom you have as an individual. If you don’t want to connect there is no law that says you should. But just because it is a right doesn’t make it physically or emotionally healthy. It is clear there are many people you don’t like and don’t want to be with. But if the real question in the email is if there is something you can do about it — the answer is yes. But if I am wrong and you just want us to know that you don’t like people and want to be left completely alone, then your intent has been fulfilled.

If you do want to change let us know and use the same PC username. Let us know what you want and one of us will write back with some ideas to consider.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Attracted to Boys Feet

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 17th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I guess I’m still young, 19 years old, I remember when I was younger my god mother let me play with her feet, so that made me attracted to feet not for females but for males later on in life, I’m attracted to the ages of 13 to mid 20’s of boys feet, so yes even underage boys which I am not proud about and I cant help it. when I was younger I did suffer from physical and emotional abuse which lead to my depression and self harm, which kind of links with the attraction I have for boys feet. The weird thing is I know I am not attracted to anything else on their body apart from their feet, and I want these sexual desires to stop, but I don’t know how to ask for help because I am embarrassed or I don’t want people to find out of my paedophilic urges, just in case I get handed over to the police, I have had some urges to ask online for pictures of boys feet but I have decided not to go ahead with that , and was wondering if it did happen would I go to prison and if so how many years? bottom line is I do not want to hurt anyone but I do need help, please help me. Thanks.

It is good that you have resisted your urges to interact with children in a sexual way, online or otherwise. If you were to do so and were caught, you could go to prison for a very long time. With the passage of new federal laws in the United States, sentences for sex offenses are quite lengthy. Depending on the specific crime, and the state in which you live, you could easily be sentenced to a decade or more of prison. In the case of sex offenders, there are instances when you can be kept longer than your specific sentence. Let’s say, for instance, you had received a sentence of 10 years for a sex offense but at the end of 10 years, the state has determined, through evaluation, that you are at a high risk of reoffending. In that case, you could be held indefinitely, even after you had served your 10-year sentence. The mechanism under which that outcome is possible, is civil commitment. All states have civil commitment laws. States can use them to indefinitely incarcerate sex offenders who are deemed dangerous to others.

In addition, individuals who engage in sex offenses are placed on a registry. The registry is public and available on the Internet. That means your name would be listed on the registry, as well as your picture, your home address, and details about the crime you committed. The stated purpose of the registry is to warn the public against potential predators.

As a registered sex offender, you might also be asked to appear at a state police barracks, possibility up to three times a year, to verify that you did not leave the state, that you are following all of the rules imposed upon you by the state, and that you are not using the Internet inappropriately or interacting with children, among other things.

As you can see, the punishment for harming a child is severe. The United States punishes those who harm children very harshly. Where they may be lacking, is preventing it from happening in the first place. To the best of my knowledge, there are no prevention programs in the United States for potential sex offenders. Perhaps the only prevention program in the world exists in Germany. The Dunkelfeld project is geared towards prevention. It provides therapy that works to alter child sex offending and reduce related behaviors. Studies have shown it to be a promising program.

Even though the United States does not have a comparable prevention project like the one Germany has, you are not helpless. There are things you can do to protect yourself against harming a child. The main one is counseling. A therapist would likely have to report you, if you had harmed a child but you haven’t harmed any children. Thinking about it is not a crime.

In fact, the DSM-V, the manual that mental health professionals use to diagnose mental health disorders, distinguishes between individuals who desire sex with children and those who have actually had sex with children. The former group, is no longer classified as having a psychiatric condition. Individuals are not automatically labeled as having a mental illness if they have fantasies involving children. However, it is worrisome that you have fantasies involving children. These should not be ignored. It’s potentially indicative of pedophilia and you want to do everything in your power to discourage those fantasies and to prevent yourself from acting on them. Therapy can help.

Specifically, therapy can help you to control your urges. If you ignore them and they don’t go away, you might be tempted to do something illegal. They might become more intense and more difficult to control. The most important thing is to ensure that you never harm a child. Therapy can help you to keep your desires in check and ensure that you never harm a child. Remember, it is not a crime to think about certain things or to fantasize. There is no such thing as the thought police. You can’t get into trouble for thoughts or fantasies but this doesn’t mean you should ignore them. Now is the opportune time to seek treatment, before anything bad has happened.

I hope this answer convinces you to try therapy. It’s always better to be proactive than reactive. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Dad Watches Me at Night

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 14th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 15 year old in the U.S.: During my sleep, sometimes my hand is inside in my shorts. Or sometimes inside my underwear unconsciously. I am not sure how this started. Anyways, I was sleeping and felt like someone was watching me. So, I opened my eyes a little and saw my dad, just standing there. Watching me. I immediately moved my hand away and exhaled like as if I was still sleeping. And the worst part was that I wasn’t covered in my blanket. I quickly grabbed my blanket and just waited for him to leave.

Just thinking about this makes me wonder if he is physically attracted to me because sometimes at night when I wear my t-shirt, I don’t wear a bra underneath because it’s comfortable without it, but he just stares and when he does I move out of the, quickly as I can and go to my room. Now, at nights, I sleep with a bra because I feel very uncomfortable.

I was reading a story about a woman’s father who would look at her through a hole that he would find or he would make himself one, that lead to her room when she changed, or in the bathroom, etc. And she would consider that as sexual abuse, even though he had never laid a finger on her.

I am not sure if I would consider this as sexual abuse, but I feel somehow offended and probably like…”Sexually abused” even though he had never laid a finger on me or anything like that. (As far as I know..)

I now understand how women feel when they don’t tell on their parents with this type of problem. I used to think that women who didn’t tell on their parents, should have told them. Like I would’ve been straight up about it.
But you don’t want to ruin your family.

You don’t want to consider your (in this situation) father some type of pervert or anything like that because he was there in your whole life and never once, have you thought about them doing these type of things.

I don’t think I will ever tell my mom. I don’t want to cause my family to have problems.

So I decided to just talk about it here because it’s the only way I can let out my problems. I’m too scared to talk about this to my friends. And at the same time it’s embarrassing.

It’s challenging for many men to deal with their daughter’s emergence into adulthood. The difference between a dad who is working through his feelings of attraction and a dad who is an abuser is all about boundaries. Without knowing more about your family dynamics, I can’t tell what’s happening in your case. Has he crossed the line too far? Or is it possible you are too sensitive to the possibility?

I do understand your concerns. But if you don’t resolve this, you are going to be uncomfortable in your own home until you are old enough to leave. Even then, you will have a very difficult time being close to your family. For those reasons, I think it is important for you to confide in your mom to let her know how uncomfortable you are with your dad and then to have a frank three way conversation that includes all of you. You are all setting the terms for the rest of your teen years.

Before I get a dozen letters expressing concern that I’m defending an abuser: I’m doing no such thing. I’m allowing for the possibility for misunderstandings and the very normal awkwardness that happens between dads and daughters and mothers and sons that occurs during adolescence. A short letter doesn’t provide enough information on which to make a judgment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Think My Friend Has an Unhealthy Obsession with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 13th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I met this friend on the first day of college freshman year (we are soon to be juniors) and it has become increasingly apparent that something is not right. My other friends actually sat me down to tell me they thought she was genuinely in love with me, but I thought they were just being dramatic. She has always been a little nuts (yelling at guys she doesn’t like, getting belligerently drunk, etc). I thought she was just a lot of fun and I didn’t mind be friends with someone a little out there. Everything changed when 4 of my best friends (including her, who was my best friend at the time) got an apartment together. It’s too hard to explain so let me just list things that have happened and are happening:
– she screamed at guests we had over for being too loud and insulted them when she could have just asked for quiet (by the way she is the loudest person I know)
– Recently, we had to take her to the emergency room when I got a call from my friend saying she was unresponsive and needed to go to the ER. When I showed up she started yelling to everyone to fuck off and to only let me near her when I wasn’t even the one at the time helping her
– We went out one night and she got so angry at me for not wanting to go to the same club as her that she yelled at me in public
– Every time I go out with her she drinks so much that I have to follow around and take care of her ALL night
– she tells every person she meets that I am her best friend and that we are attached at the hip
– She spent over 1k on me both my birthdays even though anyone who knows me knows I would NEVER want that
– she constantly talks about how we will be each others bridesmaids
– she follows me around for entire days and nags me constantly to hang out with her
– she gets very jealous and angry when I have other friends. She has straight up bullied my new roommate since she moved in
She has had an extremely hard life and I feel so guilty but I can’t do it anymore, help?

There’s nothing to feel guilty about. Based on the contents of your letter, you didn’t do anything wrong and thus there is no reason to feel guilt. The fact that she’s had a hard life has nothing to do with you.

You are not a therapist nor can you help her with any of the problems she may have. A therapist would be in the best position to help her. They have the specialized training to help people with problems and difficult lives. You do not have that training and thus have no power to help her. She needs professional help.

If you no longer wish to be her friend, then it would be wise to stop all contact with her. All contact means all contact. This means not accepting text messages, phone calls, visits, etc. It may be difficult, for a host of reasons, but likely necessary to protect yourself against an unstable person. If she continues to contact you, despite your having told her you want no contact, then you might need to alert the police. They can protect you against unstable and potentially dangerous people. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How Do I Cope with Bullying?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 13th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’m a sophomore in high school, and I feel low on confidence. Mainly because in my odd day 4th period class there is always this kid who makes fun of me, and he always tries to point out my flaws. I tried saying something to the teacher, because he was talking to me about it but he just made the situation even worse. It’s hard ignoring him when he is saying you look like a man,you have a huge forehead, you’re ugly,etc. The thing is nobody else I’ve met point any of that out.

I went to the principle and he said something to him, but he is still doing the same thing. It’s worse that I have to sit next to him since we have assigned seats in class. He always gets in trouble, suspended, always being rude to everyone else, but yet everyone else in the class just laughs at him despite them also having the same thoughts about this boy in class.

I’ve had a history of getting bullied, and I also had some disappointing friendships. I’m a painfully shy girl, and I find it hard opening up to people because I am afraid of being judge,they’re staring at my flaws that I have, or I have nothing interesting to say.

My family have yet to know anything about this.I mostly have a bad habit on staying on the internet most of the time because I feel like it’s my only escape. Tired of being this quiet girl that everyone knows of that speaks so quietly, it’s starting to grow into anger because I never say anything I just cast it aside and try to ignore it. Tired of bottling things up, and I don’t want to end things in violence, I know I don’t have the right to put my hands on him. Sometimes I feel like I am too nice to people when they don’t need my respect. It’s so hard because I am tired of being silent, and people saying whatever to me. I don’t know what I should do at this point…

I’m so, so sorry that you are having to deal with this on a daily basis. You should absolutely not have to sit next to this guy and put up with his comments. No one, no matter how shy, should be subjected to such constant abuse.

I’m glad you tried to reach out to the teacher and principal. I’m astounded that they didn’t change your class or at least your seat. I’m even more astounded that this kid is allowed to continue making life hard for others.

What you do now is get off the Internet and talk to your parents. Withdrawing into the “net” isn’t going to stop the bullying. Withdrawing from other people by staying in your room isn’t going to help you get over being shy. Tell your parents what you’ve told me and ask them to intervene. You’ve done all that can be expected of a teen. Now it’s their turn to do what parents are supposed to do — protect you. They can insist that something be done.

If shyness continues to be an issue, please consider getting some counseling to help you learn new skills for expressing yourself and being more social. If you could do it on your own, you would have done it already. There is no shame in getting some help when you are in emotional pain.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Handling Severe Anger Issues

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 8th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve always had an anger problem. Always. It’s just never been as intense as it has been for the past year. I could be laughing and enjoying life one second and in the blink of an eye any little thing could set me off and I have NO control over what I do. It is not ’til hours or even days later that I feel any type of regret or remorse for whatever it is I did or said when in this state. I have three beautiful boys (7, 4, 3) who are the world to me. I would do anything for them. But when I ask them to sit down or stop jumping on the bed and they do it any ways, I’ve had to go outside and either scream, hit something, or even just throw something across the room to “scare them” into listening to me. I do these things to reframe from spanking them because I am scared that I will one day forget they are kids and hurt them. I have spanked them several times but never more than what a simple discipline spanking is. I just dont want to end up doing something I will regret. I really need help to control these feelings or whatever it is that causes me to snap and go dark. Please help me. Like I said I will do anything for my three boys, that is why I am here asking. Begging for some one to help. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Please.

As you have described, anger has “always” been a problem for you. Lately, you’ve noticed it’s becoming worse, to the point where you have “no control” over your behavior. You fear that you might harm your children. Those are all clear signs that you should seek help.

You have not physically harmed your children, but undoubtedly they are suffering each time you deliberately frighten them. Psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

As a parent, it is your job to protect your children from any and all danger. Because there are times when you lose control, they are at risk of being harmed by you. You tried to deal with it on your own and it hasn’t been enough.

By seeking professional help, you will be doing the right thing. It is the most responsible course of action. Many communities offer a range of anger management programs and support groups. Choose a therapist who specializes in anger management.

Some people have the mistaken idea that seeking professional help for psychological problems is a sign of weakness. That is simply not true. It is the insightful and intelligent individual who strives to be psychologically healthy and will do whatever is necessary to ensure that outcome.

Anger problems are correctable. Whether or not you seek professional help for a correctable problem is your choice. I hope that you make the right decision. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Parents Won’t Accept Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 1st, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I really need advice…I’m 26 years old, I have been on in on going feud with my parents for over a year because of my boyfriend. I have known him since I was 7 and we meet in Sunday school. We reconnected about 2 years ago and I’m absolutely in love with him. My parents hate him because of his lack of a college degree, his cultural background doesn’t match ours, and physical appearance. My parents don’t allow him in the house and don’t actually know him. They judge him based on pictures that they have seen and the change in behavior of their once obedient daughter to wild child (apparently). My parents have immigrated here over 20 years ago and unfortunately hold their beliefs tight. My boyfriend has a very good job with benefits, not an alcoholic, doesn’t do drugs, and more importantly is so good to me. They fail to see that, it has become such a bad situation. My mom calls me really offensive names, saying that I am stupid and brainwashed, etc. When she says these things to me I react and I admit many times out of anger, cursing and yelling. I know that is not the way to do it, but I have tried talking to them as adults and civilized. It just doesn’t work. She sends my boyfriend offensive text messages. I really want to be with my boyfriend and I see a future with him. We had a friendship before and I had never had such as strong bond with someone. My parents have this ideal guy in mind for me, rich guy with an education. If it was up to them then I would be in the house until I am 45 when one comes along. I’m not interested, as long as he treats me right then I am ok. Now I am coming to my breaking point. Our arguments and fights are really bad, my family is ashamed of me, my parents are making themselves sick over this. Both my parents say they are going to leave the house and the rest of the family if it continues. I can’t take this anymore. I have a great job and an important year coming up that can be easily ruined with this stress. I really need some guidance because at this point I feel like everyone is just telling me what to do. PLEASE HELP!!!

At 26 you’re being overly influenced by your parents’ emotional reaction. It’s unfortunate that your parents don’t realize that the very way they are treating you is the way they fear your loving boyfriend would be hurting you. They are already doing to you what they dread he might do. They are the ones verbally abusing you and trying to control you by hurting those you love.

The emphasis here is on moving on. If your parents are threatening to leave the home — wish them well. If you have an opportunity to move out, now is the time to do so. The most important thing that your parents are missing is that in the effort to help protect you they are hurting you in the very ways we are trying to guard you from. If you can’t move out now make a plan to leave and stick to it.

Normally I would recommend family therapy, but it doesn’t sound like your parents are interested in this path. I think I would explain exactly where you’re at with them in a discussion. But then make a plan not to live under the same roof. It is time for you to have your own life. The sooner the better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Dysfunctional Family and a Bad/Drunkard/Abusive Stepfather

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 31st, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I was 4 when my father died and about five years later my mother married my father’s close friend. I was extremely attached to my mother after my father’s death and she also showed all of her love and protection. After she remarried, there had always been problems in our home something that i never imagined. Initially that guy was nice to us, and we also kind of accepted him as our father. Soon enough he started showing his real face of a drunkard and abusive man. Our home was like a pond of abuse, quarrels, fights, that would go on days and nights. Even at school, playground, or any other place i was always worried about my mom being alone with him and feared that he might do something to her. I always used to pray and pray and pray. He used to scare us with life threats and we ran for our lives on several occasions.
Now, he no longer lives with us as my mother divorced him about two year ago. This was the biggest happiness that was hard earned because my mother never wanted to leave him. I always wanted that and demanded every day for 12 years to leave him but she always gave us a false hope and never did it. Because that guy was nice and bad off and on. The problem is that i do not feel attached to anyone, like deeply falling in love or feeling the emotions. My emotions are kind of dead in me, If someone even says that they like me or love me i just don’t feel it. I feel like they are just saying it and do not mean it. I cannot express my feelings to anyone. Most of the time i hide them in me.  I always have a regret in me that my mom should have left him and we would have been in a good home. Always cried alone and never talked to anyone about it. Now i feel like everything in life is fake and relationships, marriage, friendship they are all fake. I love to travel and it is like my pass
ion but people think that i am lost that i want to travel to places. Deep inside i want someone close to me but then it irritates me and lack of trust and interest comes in.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry you had to experience so much pain and loss. First your father, then the abuse of your mother’s husband, and then your mother’s connection to you as well by her not making a better choice sooner. These are difficult experiences and the fact that your emotions are as you’ve explained makes perfect sense.

What you are feeling came as a result of your circumstances. The real you is underneath all of that protection. As you list yourself as a junior in a university I would explore their counseling services. They will have low or no cost services available to students and you can begin the healing process by talking to a therapist about what has happened and your emotional reaction. They can help you find ways to make the changes you are looking for.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How to Help Boyfriend Who Just Told Me He Was Molested Several Times As A Child

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 30th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend just told me that he was abused as a child by several different people. One of the predators was a family friend, one was a classmate, and one was a family member. He told me his parents were angry with him for not speaking up sooner and basically blamed him.

He is a very sweet man and extremely overprotective of his little brother because one of his molesters threatened to do the same to his brother if he told anyone. He has really bad anxiety now, works to the point of fatigue, and has chronic body pain as a result. He also told me he has hated himself his whole life. He didn’t want to tell me about his abuse because he thought I would think less of him. He finally opened up because he was feeling extremely anxious after an argument with his brother.

He considers himself weak and sometimes gets physically violent towards other aggressive men. He has never laid a hand on me and I don’t think he ever would lay a hand on a woman. I feel like he likes getting into fights with other men because it proves his masculinity. He’s been extremely anxious since admitting everything to me and I’m not sure how to help. I already told him I love him and want to help him get through this. I told him he is not to blame in this situation at all and that he is a survivor. I’m not sure what else I should/can do. Please help!

You should encourage him to seek counseling and support him, if he’s willing to go for help. That’s the best you can do in this situation. You are not his therapist and cannot do any more than offer your love and support. His problems can be effectively treated by a mental health professional in counseling.

Apparently he views masculinity in terms of aggressiveness and dominance. Angry men who feel weak and who feel that they have something to prove, can sometimes be violent. These men also tend to be jealous and controlling in relationships. These characteristics might not describe your boyfriend, but his aggressiveness towards men and his need to prove his masculinity could translate into aggressiveness towards you.

It’s a mistake to think that his violent tendencies towards men are an isolated issue. Your stating that he has not harmed a woman and you do not think that he would means to me that the issue has at least crossed your mind. His anger and need to prove his masculinity, could be problematic for your relationship and could lead to you being harmed.

If he’s unwilling to seek help despite these issues, then you have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who knowingly has problems but refuses to treat them. Remember that the purpose of dating is to find the best match and that most of the people you date will not be a match. I would advise against choosing a mate with evident psychological problems who is unwilling to deal with them. They make for disastrous life partners. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Communicating with Someone Who Has Shut Down Through PTSD

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 27th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I am trying to find the things I should do and the things I shouldn’t do when approaching my husband. He has just been diagnosed with PTSD after years of alcohol and drug abuse. He is a VERY loving man who will suddenly change and push me and his loved ones away. Over the years I have dealt with it by moving completely out of the picture due to the accompanying abuse and thinking it was just an alcohol problem. After his last episode, which left him nearly dead, we have talked in depth and he talked me through the episodes where he just disappears. We made a pact for me to ignor his rejections and just keep ‘kissing him’. When he started sliding this time I managed to get him to a doctor and he was diagnosed with PTSD. But now I’ve lost him again. It is like a Jeckyl and Hyde situation as he cannot remember when he was in the ‘zone’. He only remembers the repercussions. Before, when he used to hit me he would experience huge guilt, recently he has been loosing total trust in me because of the way I have reacted. He has found an ‘enabler’ at the moment who pays for everything and doesn’t trigger his trauma so he is in no danger other than massive increased alcohol consumption and codependency. However last week he was experiencing psychosis and foned me in a frantic state asking for help whilst shouting at me. I seem to be making matters increasingly worse by contacting him. This isnt just a lovers tiff, it is a life threatening situation and I have no support and no indication of what I should do and, more importantly, what I should not do.

These are the facts as I understand them: your husband has been diagnosed with PTSD due to his use of alcohol and drug abuse; his alcohol use is not under control; when intoxicated he can become violent and psychotic; you have been advised to keep “kissing him” while he is intoxicated and to ignore his “rejections.”

You also wrote that he has an enabler and that he is “in no danger other than massive increased alcohol consumption and codependency…[and] it is a life-threatening situation.”

It’s unclear who is the enabler. Are you referring to yourself or someone else?

It’s difficult for me to give you specific advice because I would need more information. If I had the opportunity to ask follow-up questions, I would have many.

Your husband’s life may be in danger because of his drinking, but I believe that your life might be in greater danger. He is actively, drinking despite being aware of the fact that he can become violent and psychotic while intoxicated. He is dangerous, and he doesn’t seem to care about how his behavior affects others. He continues to drink despite it significantly damaging his life and the lives of those around him.

You asked what you should and should not do in this situation. You should not be accepting of your husband’s behavior. You should keep your distance from him until his drinking is under control. You should not “kiss him” until he no longer rejects you — I take that to mean that you should physically kiss him until he stops pushing you away. Such a circumstance puts you in danger of being physically harmed.

I do not understand why he was given a diagnosis of PTSD. Given the information you have provided, it would seem not to be indicated, however there may be much more information available to the diagnostician, which would make the diagnosis appropriate.

You should ask your husband to seek help. If he’s unwilling, then you should keep your distance. You should seek professional help to assist you in learning how to interact with your husband and how to navigate this dangerous situation. Counseling could help you with this very difficult set of circumstances. I hope I’ve helped. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Very ‘Odd’ Behaviors

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 22nd, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I used to get many strange looks for the things I did, like smash a bird on the beach with a rock when I was younger, blow fish up with fireworks, laugh when a rock was thrown at a bird and broke its wing, and I also used to abuse pets a lot as well. I used to beat the dog, I would choke my pet hamster until his eyes started bugging out, stuff like that.

Animals aren’t the only area where my behavior is peculiar. I am damn good at manipulating people and also putting on a show to seem like such a great guy (I forgot to mention I am now 21). When I was 18, my ex girlfriend broke up with me so I faked a suicide attempt to reel her back in, I even went as far as slashed my wrists to make it believable. That wasn’t an honest attempt though, it was just a move in the game I was playing to keep her around. The best part is, it worked too.

I have stolen from friends and family, and never felt an ounce of remorse for it. I still currently do, but instead of stealing possessions I steal medications so I can get high. I don’t tell people about this behavior because I don’t want them to see the real me, I can’t keep getting my way if they see me for what I really am.

I also have noticed that when it comes to women, I get bored so easily. When I meet a new girl everything is great in the beginning and fun, but after a while I start to become bored of them and start considering looking elsewhere. I’ll string them along for sex and whatever else they give me until I have my sights set on someone else, and then I’m just done.

I have also engaged in many criminal activities, especially in my early to late teen years. It was always a source of fun for me because I get bored so easily. Another point of mine is I don’t empathize with people, I have never known how to. I actually find it annoying when someone is upset or crying, like why do they feel the need to be such a mess? There’s plenty more that I haven’t told, but what I want to know based on what I have told you is what makes me this way?

The “why” question is not an easy one to answer. Maybe you were born with an inability to empathize. You didn’t mention this, but abuse and neglect are sometimes associated with a lack of empathy. There are many other possibilities, but I would need to know more about you to answer your question.

Even if you knew why you behaved the way you do, it does not provide much guidance for change. What’s most important is your being aware of the problem and wanting to change and be a better person.

My advice is that you seek professional help. Once the therapist collects information about your life history, he or she can provide insight into your “why” question and help you change.

The life of a criminal is not a glamorous or pleasurable one. It’s likely to lead to your loss of freedom. Without help, you’ll probably also struggle to develop deep and meaningful relationships. A life of crime, abuse, manipulation and shallow relationships is the antithesis of a good life. It will lead to your suffering and the suffering of other people.

We are all capable of good or evil, but it is a choice. If you are open to change, then there’s a great deal of hope for you. If not, that’s obviously worrisome.

There is help for you if you are willing to take it. The choice belongs to you. Choose wisely or suffer the consequences. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Feel I’m Not Normal

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 21st, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t really know how to deal with myself, in general, I feel likeI could be going crazy.

What does it mean when I feel like i’m going crazy or that there is something is wrong with me, I take several type of disorder test and they all confirm there is something wrong with me but I don’t know how to handle it. For example, I can’t handle the thoughts I think some can be violent and some really nice, sometimes I feel like I can’t believe these thoughts our from my mind I just feel like a different person. I also have major mood swings like sometimes during class I’ll be very happy and eccentric and in just a matter of seconds I’ll go emotionless, I also can’t trust my friends that much I feel like they can just betray me any moment even if I’ve known them for years. Also, sometimes I’ll be on guard for no reason so I would feel like someone could just jump at me for no reason.at all. I used to be depressed but not any more yet I feel depressed at certain times. My anxiety levels have also risen a lot, I also have a hard time talking to people because I fear they will think bad of me. Sometimes I don’t care when people insult me and get amused my major accidents and agree with evil people. For example, I remember learning about 9/11 I thought it was so cool how the terrorist just went flying into the buildings I kind of found it amusing. And when learning about Hitler I thought he was pretty cool even though he did such terrible things I found him cool. I just feel like the way my mind thinks is kind of crazy or dangerous I even plan out details if friends betray me and imagine so many strategies to do so many bad things. As of right now I feel like I can be totally evil or crazy, how do I handle this. (From Canada)

It must be a terrible burden to have these horrible thoughts that you know are not okay, while at the same time not being able to manage them. I appreciate your bravery in talking about this here and will encourage you to set up with an appointment with a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. You need an evaluation to get to the bottom of this.

The rapid mood swings, aggressive ideation, inappropriate reaction to accidents, trauma, and violence seem like on-going intrusive thoughts. There can be a variety of reasons for this and an evaluation by a professional who understands these symptoms is necessary. Getting someone to help you identify the cause of these intrusive thoughts and inappropriate feelings is very important. You’ve taken the first step here to ask the question. The next step is to find someone locally who can help you sort this through and come up with a plan to help you deal with it all.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend Orgasming In Rage: Normal or Not?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 5th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend of a few weeks, has shocked me and I do not know what to do. While being intimate for the first time, he was asking me if I wanted other men to do things to me, if I have been a bitch or dog and such questions. He can only be stimulated if I say things to anger him and he talks to me like I am dirt and a whore. He can only reach orgasm and ejaculate when in complete anger and full of rage. He becomes more and more aggressive and physically violent. He choked me and calls me horrible names. He explained to me that all his life, he has been like this and can never reach an orgasm unless he is enraged. What is this? How do I deal with this? And where does this stem/come from? Eagerly waiting for a response. Thank you.

Jeffrey Dahmer is considered by many to be one of the worst serial killers in the history of the United States. He murdered male prostitutes and subsequently consumed parts of their bodies. From all reports and indications, Jeffrey Dahmer never intended to become a serial killer. He did not get sexual pleasure from killing his victims.

Jeffrey Dahmer was very shy. He was too shy to engage in sexual relations with another person. He realized, by accident, that it would be possible to have sex with individuals if they were unconscious. He began giving his sexual targets drugs to induce unconsciousness. Once they were unconscious he could have sex with them and then he would wait until they awakened and they would then go their separate ways. On one occasion, he went too far. He administered too much of a drug and his victim died.

Though he never intended or got sexual pleasure from killing his partner, he eventually began to kill them so that he had a longer period of time to have sex with their bodies. Later, he attempted to develop a way to keep his sexual partner in a coma by drilling a hole in his head and injecting him with formaldehyde. He did this so that he could have a living sexual partner, for days or hopefully weeks.

The sexual drive is very strong. In the case of Jeffrey Dahmer, the sexual drive was so strong that it led to the commission of heinous acts of murder. I included his story to demonstrate the danger of having sex with an individual who needs to engage in bizarre acts to achieve sexual pleasure.

The danger is that your boyfriend could accidentally cause you injury or death while having sex. It may not be intentional but as I mentioned above, the sexual drive is very strong. He could accidentally choke you too long or too hard during sex. His sexual behavior is abnormal, aggressive and worrisome.

I would strongly suggest ending this relationship. You mentioned that you just began the relationship so ending it should not be difficult. If you need assistance, or are concerned about your safety, see a mental health professional or go to the authorities immediately. Please take care and stay safe.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Had a Dream about Being Sexual Assaulted

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 4th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I recently had a dream it start of with this man sitting across a table from me. For some reason I was very uneasy I was waiting for someone. Then this women comes in. She had blond hair and was wearing a suite I had short straight black hair and looked nothing like myself. So then the women with blond hair started asking a bunch of questions and the guy avoiding her question started playing with some cards making them appear then disappear like a magic trick.
I remember the blond girl saying something but I was just focused on the guy. He then looks up and smirked.

That’s when everything goes black for a second. Then I remember sitting on something (i didn’t know what) but there was a window behind I remember my pants were down he was in front of me trying to sexually assault me but before I know it I had jumped out the window climbed down and grabbed a yellow bike. While riding the bike I look back at his house to see if he was following me, there was a girl she had a pink bicycle she was riding behind me she had no hair or expression then she disappeared then a pink was behind me and when I looked closer I saw him the man from before through the window of the car. I start riding faster and faster until I fall on the side of the curb I start shaking really hard then the car turned on a different street and he stepped out from behind the car and began to run at me. Then he turned into a girl a different girl I don’t know how but I knew her for some reason I thought she was his girlfriend. I was sitting on the sidewalk the bike was on the floor next to me I was curled up and about to cry but I felt so mad all of a sudden I got up and i started yelling at her. I specifically remember saying: “TELL HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM ME, AND TO NEVER TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN.”

I remember thinking that I had to get them before they get me(if that makes sense).so I want back to his house I found him and I took him tied him up and locked him in my room I didn’t know what to do with him. My clothes were dirt so I wanted to change. I started looking for my pants, and couldn’t find then. That’s when I heard a sound I couldn’t move he found me. I remember feeling paralyzed but what I remember most is how the hairs on the back of my nake stood up when he said “what do we have here”, and before I could turn around I was down on the couch and he was kissing my neck and I started shaking and wouldn’t stop repeating please don’t please and then I woke up and i was still shaking like I felt a pit in my stomach. I can remember every detail of that dream, and I just want some clarity on what it means and why it felt so real. (From the USA)

This seems like such a powerful dream and there are many variations of dream interpretation. While they may be interesting I think the most valuable way for you to interpret this is to ask yourself a few questions about this dream, such as why might you be having it now? Is there a theme to it? Are there other dreams with similar themes that crop up around it?

As you sit with the dream look for what is vivid and ask “why it is there?” As an example, the obvious features of the dream are sexual, but more interestingly nothing in the dream is as it should be and there is a great deal of confusion, yes? You are not comfortable, you don’t look like yourself, the guy isn’t paying attention, he makes things appear and disappear, you black out, are about to be sexually assaulted — and then out the window and to a yellow bike. For me, the two bikes, the yellow and pink introduce the traditional feminine color of pink and the time-honored gender-neutral color yellow. If this were my dream I’d ask the questions I posed above, then ask why the dream uses these colors, has an (androgynous?) type of woman with no hair or expression disappear, and then the guy turns into a girl.

Treat the dream lovingly. It is trying to give you help with something — ask yourself why certain symbols and the timing of it were used.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Parents’ Drinking is Hurtful

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 10th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My parents enjoy drinking every night which is not a problem, except that my mom changes. She becomes mean and wild. She had to get surgery once and she was intoxicated where she said when she wakes up she hopes she never see’s me agin. Another incident was when she told me all her problems started once I was born. She is constantly hurting me and this has been going oon for at least past five months.I hate smokers because the smell makes me start to gag and she smoked in the house and in my car one day. It seems like she never cares about me anymore. If I talk to her about how I feel she changes for about two day before she goes back to her ways. Im so tired of having such a stressful home life. It honestly really hurts and compared to other people this may not be like a big deal but it is getting harder to cope. I try and stay positive and say how this is a good lesson because I know how not to act and I will not ever hurt my children like this. I just wish she would realize how much she is hurting me by being basically a coma for the past five years of my life. She was here but not really and she would never remember anything the next day. I feel like i am never good enough and if i was she would not act like this and want to escape her life. Thanks!

I’m sorry about what you’re experiencing. In the state of New York, your parents’ behavior would constitute a form of abuse, reportable to child protective services. It is estimated that the majority of cases of child abuse in New York City involve some form of substance abuse. In such cases, the caregivers are more focused on using the substances than attending to the emotional and physical needs of their children. That seems to be what is happening to you.

It is important that you do not take your mother’s behavior personally (i.e. “I feel like I am never good enough and if I was she would not act like this and want to escape her life.”). Her behavior is not a reflection upon you. It has nothing to do with you. She has psychological problems that are motivating her to drink. It is not your fault. You are in no way to blame for your mother’s behavior. You have no control over this situation. It’s up to your mother to receive psychological help to deal with her psychological problems.

You seem to be a remarkably resilient young woman. You have a stressful home life, through no fault of your own, and yet you are able to maintain a positive attitude. Your parents are not well but you are doing your best to cope with this unfortunate set of circumstances.

My advice is to speak to a guidance counselor or another trusted school faculty member about your parents’ drinking. The school faculty can assist you in accessing the proper psychological help.

It’s possible that once the school faculty learns about your situation, they may call child protective services to determine if neglect or abuse is occurring in the home. Obviously, you don’t want your parents to get into trouble; however, their behavior might constitute maltreatment. If so, child protective services would likely mandate your parents to receive treatment for alcohol abuse. It might be necessary to force them to receive the help that they need to improve their quality of life. It would also ultimately improve your quality of life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Cannot Communicate with My Mom at All

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 10th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dear Therapist,
I’ve been in a very difficult situation lately. It’s been very hard to talk to my mother, and we’ve been having a lot, frankly, a large amount of miscommunication. I never been able to understand what mom says, and always think that I am the one being cornered. Sometimes I could accept what she said but only in some occasions and only in a certain way of her communicating with me. But mostly, I cannot accept what she has told me, and I don’t know why. I’ve repeatedly told her that there’s a way to talk to me so that I can accept all she said easily, but she wouldn’t listen. She always stick to this one principle that it is a child’s duty to change his way and follow parents way. I’ve tried, but I just can’t seem to follow her way. I cannot explain how her way is, it’s just that her way doesn’t suit me. I cannot communicate with her in almost every aspect in my life, because we cannot understand each other.

But before, please don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t hate her, in fact, I love my mom so much that I wanted to fix this communication matters. It’s just that, I didn’t get the support I wanted even though she’s just a doorstep away. I am very frustrated and this is getting nowhere. I just wish that I can ask for their advice without me feeling cornered, but 90% of the time when we communicate, I ended up feeling more depressed and feeling cornered, which resulted in me closing up myself to her.

I tried to open up to her, but mostly, they ended in a miscommunication. So, most of the time, I choose to keep quite and not talking to avoid miscommunication.

Please enlighten me, how should I fix this communication issue, since I really wanted to communicate with my mother as a how a normal communication would be. And I really hope you would tell me. (From Indonesia)

  It is very hard to know for sure because there are so few details, but if your mom has not changed her opinion in the 25 years you’ve been alive, I would stop trying and refocus your energy on people and matters that fill you up in more and better ways than reharming yourself by trying to talk with her.

Change can only come when someone is motivated or coerced. Your mom isn’t motivated and you do not sound like the kind of person to coerce her. I would leave her be. Be compassionate and clear. Be sure to let her know how much you love her and that you are not willing to follow her way.

It is time to unhook from her so that you do not continually feel frustrated. Put your energy elsewhere and accept that you mother is not likely to change. Sometime the greatest hope comes from giving up.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
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My Boyfriend’s Parents Blame Him for Problems They’re Causing

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 8th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From England: My boyfriend and I met at university, and since graduating we have lived with his retired parents. They are comfortable and are helping us find our feet. I work part time and make a small contribution, my boyfriend is given a small allowance until things pick up. We are very appreciative of their support and respectful in their home.

Yet, the relationship with his parents is strained. His father ignores him completely, responds to any friendliness with animosity, and only makes contact when there is an opportunity to admonish his son. My partner tried to open a dialogue with him, his dad simply responded by telling him he didn’t want a relationship. My partner believes this is because he was (mildly) difficult as a teenager. His dad is also emotionally abusive to my partner’s mum, barking orders at her and treating her like a servant. His mum refuses to accept anything is amiss, and won’t challenge his behavior.

They took on a lodger to raise extra money because his dad won’t contribute to the household at all. The lodger is shady. He makes sexually inappropriate/ threatening comments towards my partner and our male friends. They refuse to accept this is a problem, possibly because they’re afraid of being considered homophobic.

He is a known liar and has a different face depending on who he’s talking to. He has pressurised me for loans in the past. He has started skipping work and spending lots of time in the house, dominating it, but he only when the parents are away. My partner and I got a bad read from the outset, which caused a huge argument and we were told our opinion of him didn’t matter, it’s their house. Now, whenever this guy’s behaviour is mentioned by us, he is defended as an upstanding citizen, and my partner is asked to question his own mental state for not liking the man, and accused of being a homophobe etc.

His mother has recently decided I am coming between her relationship with her son, because we spend a lot of time together, not with her (we are trying to start a business!) Now every time my partner asks her for emotional support or understanding, she finds a way to bring me up in the argument despite me steering well clear!

It feels as though his mother finds any excuse to scapegoat and avoid the real issues. His bullying father is effecting his self esteem. How can we move forward?

You move forward by moving out. Nothing about this arrangement sounds healthy. To stay because of finances means that you will be sacrificing your emotional well-being. Make a plan to move out and do everything you can to make this happen sooner rather than later. His mother, father, and the renter are making your life miserable. Set your goals on finding a way to get out from under this. Abuse is abuse. Nothing is worth having to watch it or be victimized by it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is It Possible for Me to Suffer from DID?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 7th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

In the last three years I’ve been in therapy with two different psychologists for social anxiety. The fact is, I’ve noticed something’s wrong with me. I believe I may have BPD, because I’ve always had many problems with abandonment, instability of relationships and mood swings, and I also meet all the symptoms of the disorder(even substance abuse and self harm).I’ve always had a confuse sense of identity,I’ve never really known who I was, and experienced dissociation and depersonalisation since the age of 11. I identify as nonbinary even though I was born female, but I know this could be a consequence of BPD.My therapist doesn’t know about my condition because she just keeps asking me only about my anxiety and everytime I try to tell her something of the above she seems to not be even listening to me.
I’m writing this because recently something changed.I’ve always had very different personalities depending from who I was with, but it’s been a while since I started losing connection with reality and I can’t tell what’s real anymore.I have nightmares and most of the days I don’t know if what I experience is real or not.I see the younger me as a weak, pathetic girl who knew nothing about anything but I don’t even remember how she was or what she liked.
There’s this other part of me, though, called Chrissie. She’s a childish girl who is always cheerful and behave like a psycho,I can sense her voice in my head(not like an hallucynation, just an inner voice different from mine – sometimes we have conversations)that always suggests me to do impulsive things like beating the ones who treat me badly or saying mean things.There are days when something happens and I start to feel anxious, so she takes control and I start to act so differently that the people around me ask me if I’m high or something.
Since Chrissie appeared I made some researches and learnt about DID. I’m very unsure about the amnesia that should incurr though, because I happen to be co-present when she takes control, but she does what she wants and I later feel like someone else has controlled my body even though I know what happened.When I dissociate while I’m writing something I can’t remember later what I was writing before, and I noticed I have very few memories of my life before my 14th birthday, but nothing more than this.

DID is a possibility, but that determination can only be made by an in-person evaluation, conducted by a mental health professional. Perhaps you’ve tried to discuss this with your therapist, but you didn’t communicate your concerns effectively.

Alternatively, you may have been communicating effectively but your therapist didn’t think you had DID or did not know how to treat it. In any event, your concerns should be discussed more explicitly with your treating therapist. It is important to have clarity about your treatment goals. One possible strategy is to show this letter to your therapist. It might provide a fuller explanation of your symptoms.

DID can be difficult to both diagnose and treat. Some therapists are not familiar with DID because it is so rare. Others are not comfortable treating it and may refer you to a specialist. Generally speaking, if you have experienced positive changes in your life, as a result of therapy and you are feeling an overall sense of positivity and happiness, then you are likely receiving good therapeutic help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Partner Who’s Obsessed with Past Relationships, Clingy But Not Intimate, Jealousy with Sexual Dysfunction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 5th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been dating someone I care, but something is severely wrong. He said he loved immediately after we met and became hyper attached, obsessed with me. He was very jealous and would accuse me of cheating if I went out with friends and didn’t text for a few hours. I managed to calm down his jealousy and to his credit, he stopped worrying about much 2 months into the relationship.

Sexually, he was into cuckholding and wanted me to talk about humiliating him and sleeping with guys in front of him, telling him he wasn’t allowed to sleep with me. He wanted to masturbate to me clothed. But he also claims emphatically that he enjoys sleeping with me more than anyone ever (which I believe). This created a paradox for me with the jealousy concerns however. Concurrently he talks obsessively about his ex-girlfriends who he also became obsessed with while dating. Literally he brings them up (some from over 14yrs ago) a few times a day.

The final “straw” was when I found out that he has been essentially online obsessing and masturbating (via social media) to nearly every woman he’s either slept with or has been interested in/rejected by all the while saying he’s just not that into sex. He insists that he’s just not that sexual of a person — but masturbates 1-3 times a day, and after just a few weeks of us sleeping together he started doing things like waking up in the night next to me and masturbating despite me asking him to wake me up so we could have sex. He frequently has problems getting an erection with other women and in his last relationship didn’t have sex with her more than 12-15 times in 2 years.

His father was very emotionally abusive, but he claims his mother was very caring and that his upbringing was fairly normal. But he’s 42 and has never had a relationship longer than 2-3 years and is consumed with dating and many women. He moves every 1-2 years. He also takes great pride in being socially popular. His sister is 40 and has never been in a relationship before. She’s also HIGHLY OCD and sterilizes her apartment.

I’d like to get information about what the issue might be, as it seems pretty serious.

Here are the things that concern me. He masturbates 1 to 3 times a day, yet claims that he does not have a high sex drive. He chooses to masturbate rather than to wake you up, as you have requested, to have sex with you. He talks about ex-girlfriend’s incessantly. According to your understanding, he became hyper-attached and obsessed with you at the very start of your relationship. He is 42 and has never had a relationship that has lasted longer than 2 to 3 years. The behavior of his sister appears odd to you. He takes great pride in being popular.

Altogether, this suggests that he is quite successful in shallow relationships but is a failure in deeper relationships. Shallow relationships are simple and not at all complex. They are much easier to maintain, little is asked of the participants in the relationship. Deeper relationships are more challenging. They require skills and abilities that are qualitatively different from that of the shallow relationship. A deeper relationship is not like water. A deeper relationship, when talking about water, is when 3 feet changes to 4 feet. It is the same thing, only more of it. A deeper or meaningful relationship, involves a qualitative change. We are not talking about simply more water as the relationship deepens but we are talking about moving from water to something different and thus a qualitative change. A deeper relationship is not simply “more” of a shallow relationship. Your boyfriend is successful and has the skills necessary to thrive in a shallow relationship. However, it appears, from your written description, that he does not possess the skills that are necessary to be successful in a deeper or more meaningful relationship.

It is reasonable to conclude that in his long dating history a number of relationships would have succeeded had he possessed the skills necessary to make them work once they changed from shallow to deep. Without professional help, it is very unlikely that he will develop the necessary skills. With professional help, there is a high probability that he can develop the necessary skills.

Please bear in mind that I have not had the opportunity to work with your boyfriend. I have not had the opportunity to ask him a single relevant question. I have only the words that you have chosen to write to me. Hopefully, it is quite obvious that I do not, nor does anyone else, have the ability to diagnose someone that they have never worked with professionally. I have attempted to share my professional knowledge with you. I have not attempted to advise you or diagnose your boyfriend. I would, if I could but as I have just explained, I can’t because it simply is impossible.

If your boyfriend will not enter therapy, you could make an appointment with a professional. Though the therapist that you see will still be limited because they are unable to work directly with your boyfriend, at least they would be able to question you in great depth and you would be able to provide them far more knowledge than was contained in the short email sent to this site. Please don’t think that I am blaming you for sending a short email. If it’d been twice as long, or even 10 times as long, it would not have been enough information to have enabled me to make a diagnosis or advise you with reasonable certainty.

I cannot diagnose or do therapy over the Internet. I would suggest that he or you or both, see someone locally who will have the ability to question and probe and do therapy or at least advise with reasonable certainty. Thanks for writing.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Want to Hurt the Things I Love

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 4th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve never been in a long-lasting relationship and even my friendships seem distant because I just can’t stand the feeling of love/affection. As a kid, when my parents told me that they loved me, I distinctly remember dry-heaving in disgust and discomfort. I’ve gotten slightly better with that, but now that I’m older and more mature I’m beginning to feel “love” toward others and it makes me just as uncomfortable. Any time I find myself getting particularly close to someone, I begin to resent them. I want to hurt them. If I somehow manage to get into a romantic relationship with somebody, I want to hurt them, I find myself fantasizing about mutilating them and I have no idea why. If I’m having sex, all I can think about is mutilating my partner’s genitals. I’d like to add that I’m a lesbian, so I only date those of my own gender and therefore only want to do that to them (if that’s significant). I don’t know if it’s a fetish, but even if it is, I still think that’s concerning. Even with my friends, I wanna slam their head into a wall the more I like them.

The closest thing I can compare it to is cute aggression — y’know, when you wanna smother cute little animals for no reason other than their cuteness. I feel like my situation is different, though; I don’t want to smother my friends and lovers, I don’t even just want to simply kill them, I want to torture them and beat them and mutilate them. Even if I don’t want to hurt them, I start to hate them. Even if it’s someone who doesn’t “love”me back, like a celebrity. If I get really into a certain celebrity, I soon begin to hate them and wish they never existed. Why do I hate everything I love? Why do I want to hurt people? I’ve only ever wanted to hurt people too, I’d never hurt an animal and even thinking about it brings me nearly to tears. So why am I so violent toward my own kind?

There are many theories about these issues. It could be that you lacked the proper developmental interactions to develop empathy. For instance, if you were unloved as a child and/or your caretakers were abusive, these negative interactions could have disrupted or inhibited your capacity to learn empathy. There are many other possibilities but without a complete and comprehensive examination, yours is a difficult question to answer.

Knowing why you are this way is arguably less important than finding a solution to prevent it from negatively impacting your life. If you can’t feel love and have difficulty interacting with people, then you will struggle with relationships. In addition, you might also hurt someone which could lead to your imprisonment and loss of freedom.

I would recommend counseling. Counselors will not be shocked by your feelings. These are all things they are familiar with. They will know how to help you. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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