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Back with an Ex-Abusive Boyfriend I Promised My Kids I’d Never See Again

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 10th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I dated this man last year for about 8 months. I wasn’t ready for a committed relationship at the time. Dated him more out of boredom. But he took it more seriously. He had alot of anger issues and was slightly emotionally abusive. One time I let him discipline my then 7 yr old boy, but he got too rough and threw him across his bed. I did not condone this and I swore to my son that he would never have to be around that man again. We had some miscommunication a couple nights later that I used to my advantage and pushed his buttons enough to make him spiral out of control and he came and broke into my house while the kids I were sleeping. No one was hurt and the kids never woke up. I broke up with him the next day after the cops escorted him home. Now to present day another 10 months later we are talking again. He has received enough counseling to help himself and I see him as different and changed for the better. I also am ready for a more committed relationship so we have been seeing each other for about 2 months now. I am so happy and we’ve apologized and he has validated my feelings about what happened that night and in general so that we can try and move on and Im making more of an effort towards a relationship this time, but my son is terrified of him. The bf and I are taking it much slower this time and not involving the kids at all for at least 6 months but will it be possible to reintroduce them and patch things up or am I being selfish for even trying? I gave them my word that he would never be in our lives again because I never in a million years thought it would be possible for him to have changed. I am at a crossroads. Thank you for any advice you have!

as much as I’m someone for second chances the damage done to your son by a relative stranger (at the time of the abuse) isn’t going to be undone with an apology. You’ll have to make a decision between between your son and the faith you have in your boyfriend. Your son would have twice been let down by you. The first time when the abuse happened, and the second in you going back on your word.

I recommend two things. First, I would set up some individual sessions for yourself with a therapist familiar with instances of abuse and domestic violence. Talk to this person about forgiving your boyfriend — and your son’s concern. If this therapy helps, and it seems as if you want to go forward, I would highly recommend a meeting with a family therapist so that you, your boyfriend, and your children can all meet together in the safe confines of a family therapist office. If you’re going to go forward — family therapy will be necessary.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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What’s Wrong with Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 7th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I feel nothing but cry for no reason. It’s like a pain that I want to stop my symptoms match with sociopath but I don’t want that to be true. My mom deserves to have a daughter who can love but I can’t feel nothing. I want to feel love, and other emotions but I can’t. I lie, and I’m aware of my manipulation skills I try not to hurt people that’s not what I want but I can’t feel. My step would scam others and use me to make money I thought that was normal but I know it wasn’t he often talked about killing my mom when I was a little girl he convinced me that I wanted her dead but the thought brings tears now that at one point I agreed with him he was my step dad but only dad I had. He mentioned killing before or how he tormented animals. One day he killed a bat first by cutting the wings while placing the bat in a ant hill the bat screamed. I just watched I could have stopped him but no I did nothing. He would make me steal and of course i would he was my dad well step dad but I don’t want to be like him. I’m worried I’m becoming him I often lie to get what I want I feel bad but try not to think about anything. He’s no longer around thankfully but I think I ruined my parents marriage I helped my mom escape she wasn’t happy neither was I after leaving I felt excited but the rush soon died so did my mom’s. Honestly I live in a fantasy that and when I think about the past it really is my fault I’m kinda a emotionless monster who still breathes. I don’t care about myself or nobody I try to help my mom, and other family members but it’s hard because I don’t know what to say or do I can’t fix things. My mom and me were not close till I found out she was leaving him. She’s got her trauma to so I know she can’t expresse love. My grandmother wasn’t there for her so I understand she’s trying but I never wanted her money as a child I wanted her to say I’m proud of you but she never did even after dropping out and graduated I had to ask her to say congratulations it seems she doesn’t care but it’s fair because I can’t say i love her i want to but i can’t. I just want to be normal. Does this mean I’m a sociopath? Be honest I don’t want others to get hurt by emotionless state of mind.

There’s a difference between being a “sociopath” and having difficulty expressing your feelings. You have feelings but they are not easily accessible. If you didn’t feel anything, then you wouldn’t cry. Even if you don’t know what it is, there is an explanation for the crying. The difficulty you seem to be having is identifying the reason for the crying.

Nothing you have written would necessarily suggest that you are a sociopath. It should also be mentioned that sociopath is no longer the correct term. What you likely mean by sociopath is psychopath. People commonly used sociopath but they may not realize that the actual term, the correct term, is psychopath.

Psychopaths don’t care about other people. It wouldn’t bother them if they hurt others. They wouldn’t be worried about all of the things you seem to be worried about. As you stated, “I don’t want others to get hurt by my emotionless state of mind.” Psychopaths wouldn’t care about that. If they hurt someone else, it wouldn’t matter to them at all. That thought wouldn’t even cross their minds.

It seems that you were raised in a family that did not express much love or any love. Your mother never told you that she was proud of you. Perhaps she can’t express love. In essence, you don’t know if she loved you because she never told you and she never showed you that she did.

Your stepfather, emotionally, wasn’t much help either. In fact, he seemed worse than your mother in that he was engaging in criminal and immoral behavior. He spoke about wanting to kill your mother and he tortured animals. He convinced you that your mother should be killed. This would be a difficult environment for any child to grow up in. What you experienced wasn’t the norm and it wasn’t good for your psychological growth and development.

Perhaps your reaction to this very difficult situation was to numb yourself emotionally. That is a common reaction to unpleasant feelings, thoughts and situations. As you mentioned, you feel nothing but you cry for reasons that you don’t understand. The fact that you are crying indicates that you do feel something but lack clarity about what it is. If you didn’t feel something, then you wouldn’t be crying.

What may be happening is that you are or have been disassociating. Disassociation is a process in which one is mentally disconnected from their thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. Sometimes, this happens consciously but more often it happens unconsciously, as a way to psychologically protect oneself from difficult or unpleasant experiences. It’s a way of coping with negative or traumatic experiences. Many people who disassociate aren’t even aware of it, especially if it’s been happening for many years. It’s common among people with trauma histories and/or posttraumatic stress disorder.

Just as people need food and water and safety to survive, they also need to feel love and to feel that they matter. Without these things, they will suffer. Love and belonging are needs, necessities. It is immensely important that an individual feel loved and unconditionally so. It’s a basic human necessity. You didn’t grow up in an environment in which you felt loved. In all likelihood, you’re feeling the aftereffects of not feeling loved.

I would highly recommend counseling. It is an effective solution to this problem. You grew up believing that certain things were normal and later learned that they were not. Now, as an adult, you are faced with having to reconnect with your emotions and that’s not easy to do on your own. Contact a therapist to begin the process of learning how to heal from your experiences. With the help of a good therapist, especially one who is knowledgeable about trauma, you should have success. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Is There Anything I Can Do to Be More Connected in Society?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 6th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in South Africa: So from what other people have told me, I’m not exactly considered normal. People often seem to find my behaviour odd. I’m very introverted. I spend days at a time sitting in my room without anyone else, and I’ve had full blown conversations with myself for hours on end while doing so. I tend to talk to myself very often, even in public without realising it. Usually I recite the numbers “1 2 9 10 5 9” if I realise that I’m talking to myself in public because I start to panic and think people are going to think I’m strange even when no one has noticed. It’s something that’s been happening for a long time now where i will suddenly just say something out loud and realise that I said it and a sudden panic comes over me so I recite those numbers to calm myself down, sometimes I add other random numbers between 1 and 10 as well.

Anyways, so I’m going to summarize a bit because I seem to be babbling again.

-I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 16 after being stuck in a lock downward for 4 weeks straight and going basically crazy
– I’m a very fidgety person, I can’t sit still for very long and do nothing and I can’t stay in one place for more than a couple of days without getting a very aggressive mind set, and a short temper.
-I’m often finding myself intrigued and entertained by blood, gore, and the ideas of killing people, I find death fascinating and I have contemplated suicide on several occasions.
-my mother died when I was 10
-I crave human attention constantly, yet as soon as I’m around people, all I want to do is be alone again.
-I tend to get into an extremely depressed state if I get into any form of trouble with anyone. I have a thing about being yelled at by people, if I get into trouble then I end up getting super depressed for days and being barely able to get out of bed. The closer I am to that person, the worse it is.
-I hate authority, I can’t stand anyone telling me what to do or making themselves seem more important than me in any way. I can’t stand people who are in a position of authority and ended up clashing with basically every teacher I ever had because of this.
-I talk to myself a lot; in public places, alone, and I tend to even scream in my sleep according to my dad.
-I have a lot of nightmares. Whenever I have one, the root of the fear is always my brother (he has anger issues, temper lobe epilepsy, he’s a lot bigger and stronger than me, and he used to bully me and sexually harass me while we were growing up by grabbing my breasts randomly and sneaking into my room when he thought I was asleep.
-I tend to take on the personality of other people at random. If I watch a certain show or hang out with a certain person long enough to learn their characteristics, the way they speak and act, then I end up talking, acting, and even thinking in a way that mimics that person for the next few days.
-I was bullied a lot in school
-I only had one friend from 1st-7th grade. 7th grade I made friends with my current best friend who is currently in a completely different area of the country 2 hours away from me.
– I live in a town where I literally know no one other than the people I live with, no friends, no outside connections, no job, etc. Yet for some reason i feel perfectly content to sit here alone for hours every day
-I sleep excessive amounts. Anywhere between 12 hours in one day to 32 hours within two days. I’m also constantly tired and ready for another nap.
-I like to torture bugs. I have two Carnivorous plants and my favourite pass time if I haven’t been active for too long is to hunt bugs, pick them up with tweezers, make them scared, then force them into the Monkey cup or Venus fly trap alive and watch them desperately try their best to get free even though they’re going to die.
-I have hygiene issues. I don’t bath very often or brush my teeth, or hair, and I never shave or wear a bra. It’s not that I have anything against bathing or brushing my teeth, or being clean, I just don’t do it for whatever reason. I’m not sure why but I’ve always had an issue with hygiene.
-I’ve been questioning myself for a long time as to who and what I am. I feel uncomfortable when referred to as a girl, and more at home being referred to as a boy. I like male fashion a lot more than woman fashion and I even wear male deo because I like the smell better than the female deos. I created an online persona called “Zack” where I’m a male, and spend a lot of time talking to people who only know me as Zack (I do tell them what the situation is so I’m not catfishing them or lying to them) but at the same time, I can’t bring myself to discuss this with anyone in my family, or talk to anyone at all in irl about this. I also don’t know if I can consider myself a trans or if I’m just a girl who likes to act like a boy. It’s something that’s confused me for a few years now.

I’m sorry, I’m ranting. My real question, now that I’ve given you a bit too much information, is how do I stop these bad habits, and what should I do to be more connected and more successful socially? Because at the moment I literally have no social life and the last few people I hung out with all thought I was very weird.

 If you could stop your “bad habits” you would have done so long ago. I can’t diagnose you on the basis of a letter, of course. But I can tell you that from what you wrote, you do have serious problems that 1) need to be addressed if you are to have a satisfying and happy life and 2) that are treatable.

Although your behaviors meet the criteria for several different diagnoses, I do wonder if maybe you are on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum (either instead or or in addition to whatever other diagnoses have been assigned to you). If that has not be explored, please do get an evaluation.

I think you already know that therapy would be helpful. I also encourage you to get involved with group, as well as individual, treatment. Group therapy provides a safe place to talk about your issues with others and to get feedback from other members of the group about what you do that distances you from others and how to correct that. A good group becomes an important support while the members learn more about themselves in interaction with others and rehearse new behaviors.

Please take care of yourself. Stop obsessing about all that is “wrong” with you and get the treatment you need to discover and bring out all that is “right.” As a starting point, you might find it reassuring to take the Strengths assessment at http://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths-Survey. Once you know your personal character strengths, you can build on them to improve your outlook and your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How to Kick Out an Abusive Partner

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 5th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My partner of 6 years is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, who is currently on probation for his fourth DUI. He has no car, no driver’s license, and only recently got a part-time job after more than 2 years of self-imposed unemployment. Even though he is now making about $1,000/month, he still refuses to chip in for the rent or monthly bills. (His money goes toward beer, fast food for himself, and paying off his court costs.) After years of trying to make things work, I’ve decided he will never really change, and staying in such a dysfunctional relationship will no doubt cause long-term harm to our son, who witnesses the yelling, cursing, drinking, and threats of violence that go on in our home on a regular basis. Although he is only 4, my son has already told me that he doesn’t really like his daddy, and wishes he had a different one that wasn’t so lazy, grumpy, and mean.

The problem is that I want to end things with his father, but I’m not sure how to do so. In 2012, we moved from the Midwest to the East Coast for my career, which means we have no local family or support system to speak of. Although I pay all the rent and bills, the lease is in both our names. When I’ve tried to make him leave in the past, he’s refused to do so (pointing out that he has a right to live there since he’s on the lease). He also always says he would never go anywhere without his son. We haven’t even talked/argued about the idea of breaking up for quite some time because whenever it came up in the past, he always went ballistic and tore the house apart.

I guess my main question is: How do I end the relationship and tell him I want him to leave without jeopardizing the safety and well-being of my son, myself, and my property? (Almost everything in the house is mine.) I feel like he’s holding us hostage, because I’m afraid that if I try to end things between us, he will either hurt me, destroy my possessions, kidnap our son, or all of the above. Please help! I want my son and I to be free of this situation but I don’t know what to do!

Thank you for this powerful question. I agree that the dysfunction is too great for you to continue. As you prepare for leaving, I propose three things. First, if you’re not already involved with Al-Anon meetings I would find one in your area. Here’s a list and contact number to find the closest one. Al-Anon is a 12-step program for family and friends of alcoholics. This group can help give you the support and guidance to cope.

Secondly, I contact your local women’s center. Most counties in the United States have a woman’s center familiar with the laws, rights, and process of coping with the kind of issues you have. I’d contact them sooner rather than later.

Finally, get legal advice. Perhaps through the woman’s center or your employer, or through your own search. You’ll need to find a lawyer who can help you negotiate your rights — as well as protect yourself during this process.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Wife’s Childhood Trauma Is Affecting our Marriage

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 5th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: I’ve been married to my wife for 17 years, During that whole time I’ve found it difficult to be close and openly intimate with my wife, she has said on many occasions that I am the only one that she has had difficulty with having a fulfilling sex life with.. Funny enough that’s the exact same feeling that I have to..
My wife has horrible mood swings which she attributes to her hormonal cycle from the very beginning of our Marriage, this has greatly affected our Relationship together. During our Relationship we have had great times but also very low times because of her moods and anger.
5 Years ago I had to move overseas for my work and commute home to see my family.. This was a very trying time as I didn’t have a consistent schedule for returning home. On top of that my wife’s mood swings and anger continued..
I unfortunately began an affair which Devastated my wife, when she asked me why I did it I answered her honestly, that we weren’t having sex, and that the other woman was more gentle with no anger or mood swings.

My wife broke down and told me the reason she wasn’t sexual with me was because she was molested when she was a child by her relatives.. I felt horrible that she never told me this as I would have been sympathetic and understanding..

My wife has sought counseling for my infidelity but she refuses to tell the councillor about her childhood past, she says that she has been able to cope with it.

It’s troubling me a lot because I now see a lot of her symptoms resemble those of a personality disorder.

I love my wife and feel horrible for what I have done,  but I don’t have the strength anymore to deal with her symptoms. Please Help.

You two have been through a lot. None the less, you have stayed together for 17 years. That’s reason enough to try to salvage the relationship.

I don’t think your wife is correct. Regardless of her perception that she has been able to cope with her past, it is likely that her mood swings and her difficulties with sexual intimacy are connected to the childhood abuse.

Ironically, sometimes a person with a history of abuse knows how to deal with sex with someone who doesn’t matter but can’t be intimate with someone who is loving.  She may fear that the circumstances of abuse will happen again — where  someone who supposedly loved her hurt her.

Your wife’s therapist can’t get to the root of her anger and mood swings without knowing her entire history. It’s understandable if it is easier for your wife to talk about your infidelity than what happened to her as a child. Thinking about revisiting that history of abuse may be terrifying. But I do think it is important for her to do just that if she is to have a loving, intimate relationship with anyone.  Her therapist should know how to help her feel safe and supported while she does that therapeutic work.

If any couple needs couples counseling it is the two of you. Clearly, there is much to talk about but you two may not know how to do so without triggering her anger and your guilt. A couples counselor can help you both understand what has gone on for each of you that you haven’t been able to be the kind of partners you both want and can help you learn better ways to be supportive of each other. Further, a counselor can provide a safe place where you can bring your hopes and fears.

I wish you both well.

Dr. Marie

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Phobia of Being Drugged

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 5th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I grew up with divorced parents. My mom is a drug addict and alcoholic and my dad is an alcoholic. I’ve seen everything from domestic abuse, over intoxication, being put in unsafe and dangerous situations and left responsible for my 3 siblings as young as 8. I had my first severe panic attack when I was 15. I found out my friend killed herself. Ever since then they haven’t stopped. I get them daily. As the years have gone on, about a year ago I’ve developed an obsessive fear with being drugged. I think that everyone is out to get me. It feels like my childhood is finally catching up to me. I’m having flashbacks of extremely traumatic events and I avoid any situation related to alcohol and even cannabis. Just to look or smell it gets my mind racing. Sometimes I’ll be feeling completely fine and happy, then out of nowhere I’d get that feeling in my stomach that indicates a start of a panic attack. Then the chills, disassociation, extreme shaking and overwhelming feeling takes over. Then I just can’t stop thinking about my childhood, and recent memories since it hasn’t gotten any better. During these attacks I’m convinced I’m going to die. The feeling of not being in control of myself convinces me that somebody put drugs in my food or drink. I’m afraid of even prescribed medication. I didn’t take anything when I got my wisdom teeth got removed even though that pain was the most horrible I’ve ever experienced. I get this every single day, multiple panic attacks a day in severe cases. I want to be happy, I’ve been trying my best to think positive and fight to beat this but it just grows worse and worse. What’s wrong with me?

You have had what many would consider a very traumatic childhood. Your parents couldn’t be there for you when you needed them because of their drug and alcohol issues. You witnessed dramatic scenes of violence, intoxicated parents and were placed in unsafe situations. Almost anyone faced with that set of circumstances would be negatively impacted.

In order to learn to trust others, one needs safety, consistent caregiving and unconditional love. When that doesn’t happen, problems can arise.

The types of early experiences you have described are considered traumatic by those who study abuse among children. The phrase used most commonly in the research literature is adverse childhood experiences (ACES). These experiences include sexual and emotional abuse, divorce, loss of a parent either through abandonment, death or dysfunction, bullying, neglect, drug abuse and alcoholism, parental incarceration, and others. All these issues take an extreme toll on one’s mental health and left unaddressed, can cause problems in one’s adult life.

In all likelihood, your symptoms are the result of a chaotic and unsafe home life. Your symptoms seem to be consistent with a potential panic disorder and/or posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), both of which are categorized as anxiety disorders. Please know that I can’t diagnose you over the internet. The only way to know if you have a disorder (if at all) would be to be evaluated by a mental health professional, in person. If you have the opportunity to consult a mental health professional, in person, you should. Currently, we are in the midst of a pandemic and thus it may be difficult to see a professional in person. Many professionals have moved to telehealth services which could suffice for now.

You are a victim of your parents. You didn’t ask to be raised in chaos yet you are now faced with the aftermath. Thankfully, there are very effective treatments for the symptoms you have described. Two treatments that are highly effective include cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure and response prevention therapy. Both are good treatments. They could help you immensely.

Medication is not something you may be open to given your paranoia about being drugged, however, it could help to diminish your symptoms. It’s important to believe in reality. How much fear one should exhibit in any given circumstance should be dictated by the probability of that circumstance occurring. The probability of you being drugged is so low, as to barely register on the probability scale. Believing in facts can help you to stay grounded in reality.

You have symptoms that are highly treatable. I hope that you will consider seeking help. You shouldn’t suffer with symptoms that are treatable. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I’m Constantly Feeling Out of Breath, Restless, Angry, Trapped & Fear I May Hurt Myself or Someone Else

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 4th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Basically, I’ve come in search of help with anger management. I was raised with very strict, religious, over protective parents who constantly had violent arguments, taught me to shut down my emotions and to not express my feelings (at least not in healthy ways), taught me that the world is a dangerous, untrustworthy place, and that I cannot trust anyone. As a result, I have grown up to be very nervous, very shy, unable to trust others, unable to express love easily, unable to deal with negative thoughts or emotions in a productive fashion, afraid to be independent in the world, and constantly feel like I can’t make something successful of myself. I wasn’t always like this. I remember in my early childhood that I loved to socialize, explore the world, learn, I had dreams that I honestly thought I could reach. I was more positive, hopeful, and optimistic. Now, I feel as though all I ever feel is anger. I’m so restless. I want to do something, have fun, grow up , stop being so shy, and improve as a person, but, I don’t know where to start. And with my parents not permitting me to go out on my own, or even express my feelings to them without them thinking I’m possessed or something, I feel trapped.I’m not a bad kid. I’m sure of that. I mess up here and there but I really try. Ask anyone. I’ve been obedient, respectful, polite, patient for as long as I can remember, but, lately, only with my parents, have I been lashing out at. Of course, not physically, but I have been getting more violent recently. I’ve gotten into the habit of breaking things around me when I’m angry and just screaming and crying. It’s scaring me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My parents have done so much for me, and I know they have tried their best at raising me, but, I can’t help but blame them for how I turned out and feel angry at them. Maybe it’s my fault and I’m too ashamed to accept that so I take it out on them? I just need guidance. I need a plan, a place to start. I hate this feeling of cluelessness as it makes me feel breathless and trapped. Thank you for listening to his wacky 16 year old rant.

I would not consider your question to be a “wacky…rant.” It is an expression of your feelings. It’s healthy to write when you are stressed. In fact, you should do it more often. When strong emotions arise write about them. Research shows that journaling is a healthy outlet for expressing strong emotions. It can also help to clarify your thinking, come to resolutions and move you past your problems. It’s a psychologically clarifying exercise that can provide a great deal of emotional relief.

Your feelings seem perfectly understandable given your family environment. You are developing your own ideas about yourself and the world, which are in conflict with those of your parents. That conflict is causing problems for you and in your emotional life. These types of conflicts are fairly normal during adolescence. In two years, you will be an adult and can live independently, should you choose to do so.

In the meantime, speak to the school guidance counselor or the school psychologist about these issues. Counseling could help you tremendously. You might consider showing this letter to your parents. They may be more open than you realize to your seeking mental health treatment. Maybe not, but it is something to consider.

Other ideas include finding alternative outlets for your strong emotions. These can include, exercise, yoga, meditation, volunteering or reading self-help or anger management workbooks. Some of my favorite workbooks are written by David Burns and there are many others. They can be purchased through Amazon or you might find them at your local library.

I want to be clear about the fact that mental health treatment would provide you with the greatest level of benefit but if it is not an option for you, some of the aforementioned ideas may be of assistance.

Finally, if you feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else, then it’s imperative that you call emergency services or go to the hospital. The staff can keep you safe and protect you from hurting yourself or someone else. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Controlling and Overwhelming Parents

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 3rd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am 22 years old going on 23 with controlling parents. My parents aren’t religious but have very strong Mexican beliefs like for example getting married before moving out of the house, men have more freedom because they’re simply men, and the parents are superior to their children so they have no saying in anything.

Anyways, I have never really been a problematic child but I had been bullied up until high school, I had a elementary school teacher that liked to abuse her students verbally which I believe is the root of why I have a learning disability in math, and I had to go though therapy because I have a brother with cerebral palsy and at the age of 6 I couldn’t understand why he was getting all of the attention and I was being pushed aside. Everything was fine until I reached high school. My mom tried to get me to skip high school and go right into college because she had heard “horror stories” of how most kids begin to rebel and spiral out of control. In 10th grade I began to skip class because I was being bullied every now and then and because I did not understand math. Eventually I began skipping other classes, ditching, partying, taking drugs, and sneaking out of my house because my parents simply wouldn’t let me stay out as late as my other friends or whenever I would ask they would make a huge fuss. I did this until I was a senior in high school but I still managed to pass all of my classes, go to Saturday school, intersession, and night school, have more than enough credits but I was not able to get my diploma until 2 years later because I could not pass my math class.

After all this my mom began to guilt trip me for all those times “I messed up my life” and not listening to her. Deep down I felt sorry so I went to a community college and spent all of my time helping her with my brother. Everything was alright I guess until almost 2 years ago when I met my boyfriend. She began getting upset at me for almost anything and everything I did. For wanting to spend time with him, for going over to his house twice a week, for driving there, for him picking me up, him calling me, for wanting to stay out later, for wanting to travel with him, and the one thing that made her loose her mind was for wanting to move out with him eventually before getting married. My mom has managed to stick her nose so much into our relationship that me and my boyfriend are constantly arguing because of her, we’ve broken up a couple of times because of my mom, and he has slowly started coming over to my house less and less all because of my mother. My dad has even hit me for coming home at 2am at the age of 21!

Her belief is that the man should do EVERYTHING in the relationship and if the woman has to do one thing it means that he doesn’t love her enough. Almost everyday she is trying to put ideas in my head like all men are the same they’re good for nothing, don’t give anyone your all because they’ll just turn around and leave, if you move in with him he’s just going to use you for sex because ultimately that’s all men want, so on and so fourth. We are both madly in love and want to eventually get married but my mom doesn’t see that. I don’t know what will become of our relationship because I know I will have to either choose my parents or my boyfriend, being happy with him or keeping my parents happy and me just being miserable. I have tried to talk to her countless times and so has my boyfriend but she just looks down at us. I recently started working to slowly become more independent from her but she still manages to complain about me wanting to go see my boyfriend even when we haven’t seen each other all week. She keeps track of my periods and has blamed me for her rheumatoid arthritis and me not helping her with my brother.

I am desperate for help! She doesn’t seem like she is willing to get help because she thinks its me and not her. Somebody please help me! This is my cry for help!!!!!!!!

It sounds like you need to parentectomy. It is time to begin helping yourself by finding work and gaining some independence. This means detaching from your parents. If your father is hitting you and your mother is over-involved in your life — then this isn’t simply a cultural issue, it’s a matter of the situation being abusive and restricted.

Make a plan to have a life independent of them. Start looking toward becoming more independent financially and emotionally as you make plans to have less contact.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 2nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m pretty much not very happy. I feel extremely lonely. I live with a grandma who constantly complains how she hates that I don’t do much, has high expectations, tells me I’m unable to go live on my own, and tells me my change of hair is bad. I stopped being close with my sisters at about. 13 years old. And I’m not close to any family. I don’t have friends, just occasional acquaintances at school. So needless to say, I am pretty alone and don’t get out of the house much at all. I’ve been bullied much of my life(at school)- 10th and 11th was by far the worst. I feel very insecure and self conscious now- I’ve turned into sort of a perfectionist and develop high expectations of myself. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated from small mistakes and I’m hard on myself. I don’t shower much or take care of my general health like I know I should; it’s become hard to do it regularly. I also don’t enjoy many things.. at least from what I experienced. 2 years ago (and beyond), I really enjoyed drawing, talking to people online through games, designing websites. I take no interest in any of it anymore. My days consist of school, YouTube videos, occasional comic reading, and looking up diets I always give up on anyways. Waking up even though I wish I could sleep forever.

Most of my sadness either comes in random, short waves through the day or at night. At least I think it’s sadness? It’s like-my heart sinks like when you cry, I feel uncomfortable and weak/heavy, and bad thoughts rush through my head a little. What’s odd is that I’ve sort of taken comfort in my sadness. I sometimes even want something to be wrong with me. I sometimes think none of my feelings are real and I only feel these things for attention, or even my thoughts and even memories aren’t real or they’re exaggerated. Because I feel normal a lot of the time, then don’t… I lie a lot to people; of course I would lie to myself.I just wish I didn’t feel anything at all. I don’t want to live but at the same time I do. I’m stuck in constant discomfort and refuse to help myself. Maybe I hate myself that much or maybe I don’t deserve it. (From the USA)

 I respect the difficulty and you reaching out to find an answer. You are a courageous person for looking at what ails you. I would talk to one of your school counselors about the bullying. School counselors are now trained in helping student cope with this. I know it is a lot to ask, but you have taken the first step here — and you deserve to feel better. Talk to the counselors so that he or she can help you unravel what is going on. The thoughts and feelings you are having are not random. They are a direct result of the bullies and your situation with your grandmother. You deserve to feel better. Any thoughts other wise are just reactions to the difficult people you have had to deal with. Talk to the counselor today.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Am I a Child Abuser?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 2nd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I was a child (6-8 at most) I pretended to have sex with my younger sister whilst we played families I didn’t really know what it was at the time. I never really thought about it until now after I saw a girl tell how her cousin abused her when she was 6 under the pretence they were playing house. I feel really guilty. Does this mean I abused my sister?

If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know more about what you mean by the phrase “pretended to have sex.” What exactly did you do to pretend? Your version of pretend sex might be very different than what others would do, especially because you were so young.

In addition, I would also inquire about what may have prompted this behavior. Was it something you had witnessed? Was it something you were curious about? Sometimes, when people are exposed to sexual activities or behaviors as a child, they attempt to re-create these with others.

Studies show that it’s quite normal for children to engage in sexual behavior. At least 50% of children will engage in some type of sexual behavior before the age of 13. In one study, at least 73% of those questioned about their own sexual experiences before the age of 13, recalled engaging in sexual behaviors with other children.

In one study of children without a history of abuse, it was common for them to engage in sexual behaviors which included putting their tongue in another person’s mouth while kissing, rubbing their body against others, and touching children’s and adult’s genitals. These types of behaviors were more common in children ages 2 to 5 years old than older children ages six through 12. It seems as though these behaviors diminish as a child gets older. Most children eventually stopped exhibiting those behaviors due to embarrassment, fear or being punished by a parent.

Less common sexual behaviors in young children included those imitating intercourse. Such behaviors may imply that a child has been sexually abused but further evaluation would be needed to make such a determination.

As I mentioned above, one of the questions I would have for you is what prompted you to attempt this with your sister? It may have been a sign of abuse.

Studies have also indicated that children who engage in a greater variety and frequency of sexual behaviors that involved others may have done so because of their environments. For instance, those living in a foster care home or attending child care services were shown to have increased frequency of observed sexual behaviors. The reason, researchers theorized, especially among those in child care settings, was that there were more opportunities for children to interact with each other in both sexual and nonsexual ways.

In addition, if a child lives in an environment where sexual activities are openly occurring, or they are poorly supervised or have easy access to pornographic materials, this can increase their likelihood of openly engaging in sexual behaviors.

I cannot say with certainly whether or not you abused your sister. I do not have enough information to make that determination via the internet, but pretending to abuse her is not the same as actually abusing her. By definition, pretend means “to speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when it is in fact not.” The key part being the latter phrase, “when it is in fact not” the case. Based on your letter, it would seem that you did not touch your sister and therefore could not have actually abused her. I would recommend meeting with a therapist to discuss this issue in greater depth. It could assist you in gaining clarity about what happened. Thank you for your question. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Dad Verbally Abuses Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 28th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My dad is verbally abusive to my mom. They have been married for 30 years. When they got married, he prevented her from continuing her education and made her become a housewife. He’s always belittling her and crushing her self-esteem with criticism. He puts an emphasis on how simple minded she is (which she isn’t). Years of abuse, however, have lead to her believe that she is and sometimes it shows through her low self-esteem and insecurities. A couple years ago he used to beat her but now he’s stopped, he just verbally abuses her. He used to cheat on her all the time and whenever she mentioned it he would go crazy and hit her. He always tries to find things for her to do for him, and if she refuses he gets really angry and starts yelling at the top of his lungs. She’s like his slave, doing things for him night and day. He gets irritated by everything that she does and constantly yells at her. Throughout this abuse, my mom still manages to put a smile on her face whenever she sees my brother and I so that we don’t hurt and always tells us to be kind to my dad because he’s had a rough life. He ran away from home at the age of 18 and started from zero. He struggled throughout most of his life and among the many terrible things he’s been through, he’s even slept at graveyards because he had no other place to sleep. He’s been through A LOT. He’s also very harsh on my brother and I, always criticizing us and yelling at us. I understand that he’s had a very rough life and sympathize with him, however, I am very worried about my mom. I don’t want anything to happen to her, I don’t want for my dad to abuse her anymore. Whenever he fights with my mom, he ends up regretting it later and tries to make up for it by being nice to her. What can I do to help my dad stop this abuse? Does he have a mental disorder?

A: I’m so, so sorry your family has been dealing with this for so long. I understand that your dad had a tough life. But that doesn’t excuse him from making a tough life for the people he loves. It’s long past time for him to deal with his demons and to make the family he wishes he’d had instead of repeating the one he did have.

What you are describing is domestic violence. Your mother needs help freeing herself from the perpetual cycle of abuse – sweet making up – abuse – making up that is typical of this type of marriage. Fortunately, there is a program in your city that can help all of you. It’s called Becky’s House. Please call the 24-hour emergency hotline at 619-234-3164 or email [email protected] to get information about the services available.

If you used a home computer to contact me, please delete your email and this message. It’s not unusual for men who behave like your dad to fly into a rage when they discover that someone in the family is looking for help. Use the library or a friend’s computer to investigate services.

Then do everything you can to encourage your mom to get help for herself and her family, including your dad. If they love each other, they could still create some good years together that are not shadowed by verbal and physical abuse.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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Relationship Problems

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 26th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m married for almost the past twenty years and it was not a love or arranged marriage but I never feel satisfied and happy with my husband. Recently I quit my religion and now don’t see any reason to be in this relationship as he’s not providing me the attention, care, financial support I deserve. He’s dependent on me for the past two years and before that he was engaged in an extra marital affair too. I tried to talk to him many times, pointing out if he wouldn’t change his attitude I would leave him but he doesn’t care and remains indifferent and careless towards me and my daughters. Due to some security reasons, I cannot disclose my change of faith with him or anyone in my family as there’s a very severe penalty for an apostate, death sentence for a man and life imprisonment for a woman.

I’m concerned about my daughters as I don’t want to raise them in a society where women have no rights and they are treated as second class citizens. I am 50 years old and have a Masters degree in Islamic History and after some research I discovered that my degree and teaching experience is of no use in western countries. I don’t have any other choice except to relocate somewhere else where I can spend the rest of my life with my will following my beliefs. I’ve been suffering from panic attacks since the past twenty-five years and after consulting a pshcholgist I managed to control those attacks but still find myself sometimes facing the same situations. I take a pill to keep it mormal. And I was doing good but from the past few months the way my husband started treating me and the way I’m left alone because of my changed faith I feel so depressed, confused and overwhelmed. I cannot decide if my issues are real or I’m making them so big. My husband uses me as a sex object and forces me to do many things I don’t like and it hurts me so much. I just want to opt-out of this relationship and want to live a peaceful life.
Please help me to reach a certain conclusion, I would be so grateful to you. Thanks for providing me this platform to express my issues freely without any pressure or fear. (From Pakistan)

Thank you for reaching out here. I admire your courage, sense of perspective, love of learning, and sensitivity for your daughters. The world is changing, and I can only imagine how difficult it is to feel used and oppressed in a marriage when you can imagine a better life. A quick search reveals that there may be some ways to use your master’s degree in the west, but more than that it seems like the disappointing and abusive marriage is the first thing to deal with.

My guess is that the panic attacks are related to your desire to leave and fear of your safety. What are your options? Who can you trust to help you with taking the next step? What is the safest way to proceed? As this article explains you are not alone, and there are risks. Yet is also seems from this article that this is a growing issue in your country.

My hope for you is to find the courage for you and your daughters. You may want to consult legal advice about your situation as this may provide you with a way of thinking about your options.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Self-Harming Partner

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 25th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My partner of almost a decade has severe anxiety and other mental health issues. Every time he thinks he’s made a mistake or that he thinks someone thinks he made a mistake, he begins punishing himself (think Dobby from Harry Potter). He bangs his head on the wall and punches himself repeatedly and yells that he wants to die. It usually lasts around 10 seconds and as soon as the moment passes, he feels incredibly sorry. He’s never violent or angry toward others, only himself. Nobody who met him would suspect he secretly does this (at work or social occasions, he sneaks out to the car or bathroom to harm himself). This isn’t something he does to get attention or manipulate me or others– he’s typically alone when he does it.

The thing is that we rent an apartment and I’m sure others can hear. He’s been in many kinds of therapy and treatment for years, since he was a teenager, but the biggest effect that therapy has is making him feel incredibly guilty and apologetic after one of his outbursts. (I’m in therapy, too, FYI.)

Sometimes when I hear him sobbing and punching walls after a small frustration, I start begging him not to damage our home because I don’t want us to be evicted. I know it sounds selfish to worry about the home, but he’s already made holes in the wall about a year ago and I’m worried he’ll make one where visitors will be able to see it. As a woman, I am concerned that neighbors will think he’s abusing me rather than himself. I really don’t want anyone to call the police on him because I know that whenever he sees police, he has the impulse to ask them to shoot him.

Every time I try to talk to him about it, it sends him into a panic spiral worrying that he’s abusing me. He knows this behavior is maladaptive, but he’s unable to resist. It’s a different kind of self-harm than you often hear about and I have no idea how to talk to him about it in a way that won’t cause more harm. I reassure him that I will always love him no matter what and that I know he’s doing his best. I really want to stay in our apartment together. What should I do?

Let me start by saying I appreciate your love and courage in trying to maintain your relationship. It doesn’t sound easy, but you have tremendous resilience!

This type of anger management requires some finesse, and I’d encourage you to help your boyfriend find an anger management expert. Anger comes from a need that hasn’t been met, and this type of self-abuse makes understanding this need difficult. Until then it may be important for the two of you to think about what might be done to manage rather than prevent the eruptions.

A good anger management clinic or specialized therapist will have access to getting an accurate diagnosis for your partner. Is this a type of intermittent explosive disorder, bipolar reaction? Or something altogether different? Hard to know, but an evaluation by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist or perhaps a neurologist is a good start.

While I could never offer a diagnosis I think it is important to understand that an adequate label may be very helpful because it can help specify specific types of treatment that are known to be effective. As an example, the aforementioned Intermittent explosive disorder, IED, is characterized by these features drawn from this article on LifeHelper.

  • Sudden episodes of explosive anger.
  • The reaction of the anger or rage is extremely disproportionate to the situation.
  • The events happen suddenly with little or no warning.
  • May involve yelling, throwing or breaking objects or physical aggression.
  • Episodes may occur as often as several times a week or as seldom as once every few months.
  • Each episode typically lasts fewer than 30 minutes.
  • The sufferer may be impulsive, angry or irritable much of the time.
  • Some people with the disorder experience emotional changes before an episode, such as growing agitation or irritability.
  • As the tension and energy are released through rage, many report feeling relief or even pleasure.
  • Once the episode is over, however, the sufferer may experience significant stress, regret, and embarrassment.
  • The disorder often takes a terrible toll on the sufferer’s relationships, self-esteem, and career.

The important part of an accurate diagnosis is it helps to pinpoint a treatment. As an example, IED is best helped by two types of therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive relaxation, and coping skills therapy (CRCST), or medication such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) or mood stabilizers.

Until this diagnosis is made you may want to have some couple therapy to help talk about strategies that are more functional to help. You can find a therapist in the Find Help are at the top of the page, or through this organization.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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6-Year-Old Touching 4-Year-Old Brother

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 23rd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My 6-year-old son has always been an exhibitionist and always the child who pulls his pants down or touches himself to get a laugh or reaction. All my kids went through this short phase but for him it has seemed to linger longer than i am comfortable with.

I have 4 boys, ages 10, 8, 6 and 4, and they are very physical, wrestling and playing games that involve that sort of behavior.

My 6-year-old has always had an interest in touching his brothers – but only the youngest really lets him. it started with rubbing his arms- or his back- sort of like a stuff animal- because it was soft- he also likes to touch the red marks he gets from the elastic of his underwear or the waist band of his pants. He touches this on himself and his brother if he can.

He is always trying to touch his brothers butt during bath time or while changing clothes- I feel like I have to monitor all their interactions.

I found him laying in bed watching TV today with his hand in his brothers butt. He does not touch his penis- or so he says he is not-It is almost mindless- if they are watching TV- he will stick his hands in his brothers pants to touch him- like a child petting an animal.It is almost like a comforting mechanism.

i have also asked repeatedly if someone has touch his privates and he says no.

I have talked to him about respect- touching his own privates- and not his brothers- doing it in the bathroom only- and I can’t get him to stop.

I am worried on several levels- I am worried about him – and his fascination with butts- and I am worried about my youngest child thinking it is ok behavior. I am also worried about my youngest child getting a rise out of it- and seeking it out later in life.

I have tried punishing, I have tried talking to him calming- giving him alternatives- to touch himself- or some object- but the behavior persists.

I do not want to shame him- because I am pretty sure it is innocent- and he has not experienced any abuse or other trauma.

I have talked to him about respecting his brothers privates, and I have talked to him about what they are for- I have also told him that bad people touch children in those areas, and I don’t want his brother thinking it is ok thing to do.

Am I over reacting? How can I get him to stop without shame? Should I take him to see a child psychologist?

This step seems extreme- but I really want to the behavior to stop and I am at a loss on what to do.

They share a room- but separate beds- but they use to sleep together a few years ago- all my kids did- Should I move him out of the room? I think he would see this as major punishment.

I am not worried he is gay- I really don’t care about that- but I do have a deep seeded concern that he will not shake this fascination with age- and he may be interested in children? I know this is crazy- from what I have read pedophilia are created by abuse- but I think I have been reading too much- and it freaks me out. I am sure this is part of why I over react when I catch him doing it.

But it seems just saying “that’s inappropriate behavior” is not enough to get him to stop.

There is a very wide range of what is normal in children’s behavior and the concern always is to not pathologize something too quickly. Of course, the other side of the coin as a good parent is to be attentive and help your child when he needs it. These are always difficult concerns to navigate.

I would make an appointment with a child psychologist and go talk to them alone. This way you are bringing your concerns to an expert and he or she can ask you questions that can determine if an appointment with the therapist is warranted. This way you are bringing your concern as a parent to a person who can ask you the right questions and help you move forward.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Should I Compensate for My Past Failures?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 22nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Bangladesh: I am 34, married, have a daughter who is eight years old. I love her a lot. I probably have very low self esteem and also obsessions/compulsions. In the sanityscore.com I scored 75 in self-esteem and 56 in obsessions/compulsions. Although, I am sure I didn’t answer a lot of questions correctly.

I graduated in 2006. But for the past 10 years I was employed for only 22 months in 2 different jobs. The second job was worse than the first one and barely covered my expenses. I am currently unemployed and pursuing a Master of Science degree in IT. I have been living off of my father’s house rent for most of my adult life.

I have been abused by my parents since the age of 4. Both my parents used to beat me a lot but my father used to emotionally abuse me more. My mother expressed her love and appreciation for me sometimes but my dad never did so (except for 3 occasions) because ‘that would spoil me’. Constant criticism, name-calling, belittling, ridiculing, verbal threats was a daily routine in the name of education up until 2012. I was thrown out of home twice before the age of 12. When I was 20, I escaped from home for fear of my dad after failing in 2 courses but returned home after 3 days. I was and am very fearful of my dad. I can never speak to him normally and mostly keep silent whenever he is around, I feel like walking on egg-shells. In 2012, at the age of 30, I first came to learn what emotional abuse is. At one occasion in that year, I confronted him and yelled at him for the first and last time. The abuses lessened ever since. But I am still afraid of him and want to move away but I need a decent job first.

I procrastinate a lot. I have no friends since the age of eight. I am afraid of facing job interviews (despite having well qualifications) and making friends for the fear of being judged negatively. I know I need therapy.

I am not legally/financially indebted to anyone. But I feel I should compensate for my past unemployment by earning more in the future. Some people I know are trying to do so to compensate for their ‘forgiven debt’. Should I do it? Everyone in society seems to believe that consuming more than you have earned in life is disgraceful and nobody deserves to live on the food that he hasn’t paid for. But I don’t want to do so. I want to be happy but want to ‘deserve’ it too. But I don’t want to go abroad to earn more. I just want to live away from my parents with my family, learn more of what I love, connect with people, raise my kid and have a good life. I don’t want to pursue more money or burden myself with more responsibilities or pains than that is required to have a healthy self-esteem. What steps should I take?

 Thank you for your question. I appreciate the courage it takes to write about the emotional abuse, and understand your desire to compensate. However, unless there was a specific agreement made between you and your father for compensation, I would not invest your time, energy and future in repaying something that your father needed to give. Let the “forgiven debt” be just that. It may be one of the ways your father is trying to atone for his poor parenting. Let this be.

Your university should have a counseling program on campus and it’s likely to be well equipped in helping you with social and professional skills. Make an appointment with one of the counselors. They will help you to envision a future of learning more of what your love, connecting with others, raising your child, and having a good life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend Checks Out Other Women/Girls

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 20th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend admitted to me that he checks out other girls because I asked him if he did. It makes me uncomfortable. I think it is just disrespectful to me. I’m okay if he notices if someone is ugly or good-looking, but I am not okay if he is staring or ogling at women’s breasts, legs and figure. He said that it is something he cannot control since it happens automatically, which tells me he has had this habit for a long time. When I notice a good-looking person, I do not stare at their crotch wondering what size it is, or point them out when I am in a relationship. For me, I’d be happier if he noticed a beautiful person, not pointed them out and moved on. Apparently with his past relationships he was comfortable pointing them out, but I’m not. He has agreed to not point them out, and says he feels like he has to be conscious about what he says around me and that he feels more like himself with his friends. I have stressed about this for over 3 weeks and I feel it is ruining our relationship. I am exhausted each day, I cannot focus on my school-work and we argue about this because I bring up how uncomfortable I am.

I know I can be jealous, but he told me that “so what if I do look at breasts or legs, or even if I prefer bigger breasts on a female, it doesn’t mean I love you any less”. He gave me the example of if a nice car drives by I’m going to notice it, and it doesn’t mean I don’t like my current car. I did not find this example helpful because females are not objects.

Hearing this made me feel inferior about myself since he thinks larger breasts are superior to smaller ones and he only brought this up because I asked him.

I love him a lot, just this is an aspect about him that hurts me. I don’t feel like I trust him, I’m not sure if I’m communicating well because I tend to lash out. I’m wondering if I have to decide to put up with it or not. I’m not happy now-a-days.

He even mentioned that I could find a person of faith out there that shares my viewpoint and that he cannot be the perfect man I want him to be. He cried in front of me because I kept pointing out a couple things that I do not like about him. I felt cried too when he mentioned he may not be right for me. But the thing is I think all guys will look at other women, but I am hurt that he may stare or even enjoy the sight of another women. But then again, who am I to eliminate what he finds attractive in another person?

I feel like I have a couple options:
1. I change the way I view it and discount my hurt as jealousy. I’d love to change my viewpoint and be okay with something I am not comfortable with to keep the peace when this is just a SMALL part of him.
2. I acknowledge my discomfort and deal with it. I continue to be with him and accept him for who he is, but I will feel hurt. I really don’t want to feel pain living with the fact that he checks other women out, which may prompt me to actually check men out, but I don’t want to play games.
3. Breaking up. Before we dated I wasn’t really insecure about my looks, but 6 months in when other women are thought about, I find my self being insecure.

I really want to choose option 1 to change my thought about this because apparently every website says this is biological and there’s nothing I can do about it. I even contemplated being single forever, but I don’t want to do that. Please help.

I’m having trouble understanding what it is that you love so much about this guy. Here is what I’ve read from you:

1. You’ve told your boyfriend how uncomfortable his ogling makes you and he says he is not in control of himself — that it happens automatically. If that is the best excuse he has then it means anything that he deems happens automatically he won’t change. Not good for long-term relationships.
2. He says he was comfortable in PAST relationships pointing them out. Perhaps the reason why those relationships ended was because he felt so comfortable doing it.
3. He’s told you he feels more comfortable with his friends than with you.
4. You have generated three options — two of which involve you either discounting or suppressing your pain. The other explains that since you have been with him you have gotten more insecure.

It sounds like he isn’t respecting your wishes and needs and sees your request as so limiting that he wants to be with his friends. You may want to rethink if this relationship is really what you want to put up with.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Spouse Wants Me Dead

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. February 20th, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I ran across an email confession from my spouse. My spouse talked about all the things I do that piss them off. How I am a dead beat and how my ptsd is just an excuse and how they feel trapped in doing anything because of it. Talked about the times I tried to commit suicide about it, about how they wanted to leave me due to my ptsd. But told that they know if they told me they wanted a divorce then they would lose the house, because i own the house. There was a lot of anger in the email, lots of perception that they had that wasn’t 100% true. Lots of resentment towards me. This i am sharing is the confession they wrote to their friends after bitching badly about me.

(My confession after all this bitching though, is that I wish he would kill himself. I’m sure I would be devastated at first, but I just want to be me again, and I don’t want his lazy rear end to drag anyone else down, really. I almost feel that it would be easier. The settlement check would still come to pay my parents back, I wouldn’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or having to take care of any of his new medical bills, other than what we already owe. I am probably a horrible person, but his ptsd is starting to feel more like an excuse to abuse me on purpose instead of a reason on why he abuses me on accident. He no longer functions in society or our relationship (except when he wants sex), and although I want him gone, I know I’m the only person that will miss him.)

I was so shocked when I seen this. I asked her about this. She freaked out and started crying, telling me she didn’t want me dead and for us to work out. I am so confused, numb, hurt and scared. I love her so much. She never told me how she felt about anything. I found out this way. So lost. (age 37, from US)

It is unfortunate that you found out how your wife is feeling in such a shocking and painful manner, but at least now you know. It sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble. Chances are that she was just venting to a friend and, thinking that it was confidential, was overly dramatic. I doubt that she really wants you to die, but it is clear that she is hurting and desperate.

If you really are being abusive in any way toward her, I hope that this email serves as a wakeup call and you will seek help immediately. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is a serious condition, but it is not an excuse to abuse another person. There are many successful treatments available.

On the other hand, if your wife is mentally unstable and you believe that she really did mean what she said, then you would both be better off getting divorced and going your separate ways. Love is not enough. However, if you want to attempt work through this, I would highly recommend that you only do so with the help of a marital therapist.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Strong Homicidal Thoughts & Urges

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 16th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Back story: My father sexually abused me from an early age to the age of 9 when I was placed into foster care where I resided for 10 years. My mother was callous and distant; I have 3 brothers and she beat all of us. My father was also physically abusive. I vaguely recall what happened. It was mostly witnesses that came forward and reported what had occurred. I did torture and kill animals. Mostly strangulation or kicking. Never stabbed or used any tool to kill them. I figure it was my way to vent out my rage I had towards my parents.

When I was freshly 16, I met a 26-year-old man. I thought he was amazing, but he was quite abusive and pushed me into the verge of psychosis, but we split after 5 years. During this period when we dated, my fantasies were vivid and intense. Felt surreal. I obsessed over everything related to murder, serial killers like Dexter purely to learn from them and cause I could relate to them. I hadn’t really felt love before, so it was hard to feel. I carried a 16 inch blade with me wherever I went, even stood less than a foot away from a police officer and imagined myself slicing their throat as I wrapped my hand around the handle of my blade. I had slowly gathered everything I would need to commit a murder. I felt on the verge of doing it.

I don’t know why I want to. Why I would feel this way. I had waxed myself from the past as I am more mature now, but it still surfaces from time to time. 5 years ago I was offered a job to work in a gang and work my way up to a hitman, but later declined as I didn’t want to leave where I was living. The man I am with now is pure, kind hearted, a good man. He shines a bright light onto me. Just wish I was as pure as him. Will I always be like this? Its like sex. Feels amazing just thinking about it and I know I could do it without remorse. I’ve thought of killing myself or isolating myself, even pursue it then. I try to avoid it. I want to understand it. How can I cope with this?

Everyone is affected by their environment. There is no escaping that which has happened to us in the past. In your past, if you had been raised by nurturing, loving parents, it would have left a lasting impact upon you. In your past, you were raised by neglectful, cruel, abusive parents and it has left a lasting impact upon you.

Abuse causes damage. How much and what type depends upon the individual and the abuse they have endured. Abuse causes damage; damage can be repaired. Surely, you must recognize that your parents were severely abusive. Their abuse has caused damage. You must decide, whether you live with that damage or choose to repair it. Yes, it can be repaired and no, you do not need to live with it. It is your choice. Repair the damage or experience the effects of that damage throughout your life.

You were weaker than your parents and they used their greater strength to hurt you. You were too weak to stop them. You abused and killed animals. They were too weak to stop you. You had the power and demonstrated that power over weak and helpless animals. Your power was far too weak to stop your parents from abusing you. Stopping their abuse meant gaining more power. You fantasized then and now, at times, about having more power, power to exert your will over another despite their best efforts to stop you. It is normal to fantasize about things that we desire but do not have. Many people fantasize about being rich. Their fantasies are deep and complex. They contemplate the merits of various cities to choose the various locations for their vacation homes. They weigh the merits of various friends and family members and whether or not to make some rich. They imagine the reactions of each person as they hand them a check for a life-changing amount of money. Not just once but many times, weighing and contemplating each possible outcome. In reality the fantasizer is not rich, not likely to ever be so and is very likely to be experiencing a lack of wealth or to be in financial difficulty. They fantasize about what they don’t have.

You fantasize about having incredible power. It is very likely that you feel you do not possess the adequate power necessary to thrive in life. Thus, you fantasize about having things you do not currently believe that you possess.

Working with a good therapist can change all of that. All of the damage done to you as a child can be reversed. Believe it or not, all aspects of your life could improve and many, dramatically. Don’t let the damage done to you by your parents, degrade today and tomorrow. They stole your childhood. Don’t let them cheat you out of tomorrow.

It’s your choice. They chose the past. You can choose the future. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Will He Change?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 14th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been with the same man for almost 27 years, we have 3 children / when we first met he was very controlling always flipping out if i went out name calling etc. Once I came home late went to sleep and woke up to him punching my leg that punch left a bruise for days. when I had my first child he wouldn’t come to the hospital because he was out the night before and hungover and I told him to leave my house well half hour later he showed up at the hospital and in front of a room full of visitors told me to go F myself he didn’t need my shit. when he left i curled up in a ball in the bathroom and cried like a baby because i was so embarrassed.

he has also ripped my clothes pulled wires out of my vehicle so I couldn’t go out when he would leave me, I called him I cried I begged and after a few days he would come home then one day I snapped, he hit me and I hit him right back then had him arrested, we had a crazy relationship for years and I even threw him out for good only to take him back after him begging and my 5 year old asking me to give him another chance.

now fast forward years and 2 kids later there is no physical abuse but first we never got married, he says why ruin a good thing Everything we have houses,cars etc is all in his name. I have nothing in my name. He even has to make sure he has control over my eldest daughter. He takes care of her but again everything in his name – the house she lives in, the car she drives all his, He flies off the handle over stupid things. He’ll call me complaining tenants are not paying rent and when i say boot them he tells me that’s why i’ll never be in business cause i have no clue how businesses are run. He jokes how he’s gonna trade me in for 2 22 year old’s or how all these woman want him. I always say go for it they will sure get a great catch and other times i tell him it hurts me when he says those things. His response I’m only joking don’t be such a b….

I have worked side by side with this man for years and now only work one day a week with him because i watch our Granddaughter while my daughter works and goes to school. lately i have been feeling so down I have been diagnosed with depression and adhd but with no insurance it’s hard to get medication. I can’t leave because i have no money. He does give me some when i need it but I know if I leave i will get nothing. I guess you can say I do love him but at the same time I hate every inch of him at times.I also feel that if we married i would feel more secure about leaving him. heck I even day dream of winning the lottery and watching myself walk out the door and never look back. can I get him change? or am I just stupid

You aren’t stupid but you are worn down and worn out. He won’t change. He has no need to. He doesn’t want to ruin a “good thing” because he is good with how things are. He’s not interested in your feelings or whether things are “good” for you. He’s only interested in being totally in control.

Underneath all his bluster and controlling behaviors is a man who is so insecure he can’t manage being in relationship with a woman who is his equal. He deals with his feelings of inferiority by acting superior and keeping the people around him dependent. As you have already discovered, he can be dangerous so please don’t feel too sorry for him.

You need practical help to get out of this destructive and dangerous relationship. Fortunately there are services for women like yourself at the local YWCA. Call 604-625-5785 for information about how they may be able to help. When you need support, you can also call the hotline at 800-799-7233. See this website for more information.

Write these resources down. Then erase your computer history. Use a computer at a friend’s house or at the library to follow up. Men like yours often become enraged when women they have put down and hurt start to look for help.

Get out — for your own self-respect and to show your kids that a woman shouldn’t tolerate belittling behavior from someone who says he loves her. You deserve better. They need to have a role model for how to stop this type of relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Husband Is Attracted to Teen Girls

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 14th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m an American and I recently got married to an Irish man, he’s almost 26. I recently found out that a week after our wedding I found out he’d been looking at sexy fb pics of a 16 yr. old girl that was at our wedding (the daughter of a close friend of his families) as well as pics of other local 14, 15 year old girls. Upon looking at his fb search history I found at that before meeting me he’d frequented this girl’s page. His last gf was 17 and I found correspondence between them where he stated that he found sleeping with underage girls exciting.

I don’t know what to do. Aside from the disrespect, can these attractions be changed? I am unwilling to live with a man who sexualizes young girls. He is willing to get therapy. He goes back and forth between apologizing and calling his actions disgusting and making justifications/excuses for it. His excuses include, “there’s nothing wrong with me appreciating the beauty of teenage girls,” “they were just pictures,” “at least they were wearing clothes,” “I was just clicking on pics of pretty girls.”

Several things about this greatly disturb me, it isn’t so much the fact that he’s able to find teen girls attractive, but that he seeks them out online knowing full well how old they are. And more than anything else not only is he looking at young girls in our neighborhood, for years he’s been looking at the same girl who he’s had regular contact with. If I could please get some advice on what to do here? This whole thing just makes me sick, and I want no association with it.

What a sad and disturbing thing to discover after your wedding. I’m so, so sorry. You must be angry and confused and terribly disappointed. From your description of the situation, I do think you are right to be concerned.

You are absolutely correct that it is very wrong for your husband to be attracted to underage girls and to be seeking them out. He knows it too. First, he hid his interest from you and now he justifies it. I don’t know anything about Irish law, but even if it isn’t illegal to look at pictures of the young teens, I imagine that their parents would be upset and furious if they knew. The kids may not have good judgment about what they are putting on FB but he is a 26 year old man. Mature men help keep a community safe. They don’t contribute to the sexualization of children and teens by adults.

The most hopeful sign is his willingness to go to therapy. I also think it will be important for you to be included in some of his sessions. You will need reassurance that he is able to make a fundamental change in his sexual interest for you to trust him and for the two of you to ever have a satisfying intimate relationship and a successful marriage.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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