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Depression

Is There Something Wrong with Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 29th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m starting to think there is something wrong with who I am. People seem to act coldly and distantly towards me. The group of friends that I call myself a part of don’t seem to want to be around me – I only see them at school, they often make plans to go out as a group, which I only find out about after they have already been done. They openly talk about ‘the fun they all had’ over the weekend in front of me. They don’t contact me outside of school. I have tried making new friends, but people tend to treat me weirdly when I talk to them and this has made me nervous about initiating conversations. I think it’s my fault, somehow, that they see something about me that I don’t realise and this makes me undesirable to be around.

I never really noticed it before, but I think it has been happening for my entire high school career. Now that I know, I am comparing my behaviour with everyone around me, seeing myself as ugly even though I didn’t before, and I have trouble sleeping because I lie awake in bed at night, considering all that is wrong with me that makes people not like me.

I know that I sound pathetic, but that’s not my aim. It’s like nothing I say or do comes across the way I want it to. I’m starting to dislike myself, and occasionally I will apologise to myself in the mirror for being the way I am.

I also think my teachers don’t like me, because I am quiet and I never participate in class and because I act very strangely. I get good marks, though, so I don’t know.

I think it goes without saying that I have never been in a romantic relationship.

To answer your question directly, there’s nothing wrong with who you are. You may be experiencing depression. You are beginning to dislike yourself. You see yourself as “ugly” and “undesirable.” You are blaming yourself for the behavior of others and assuming that you’re the problem in all situations.

People with depression don’t think highly of themselves. Their view of the world is negative and pessimistic. They tend to see themselves as a burden, believing that others would be better off without them. That line of thinking can lead someone to isolate and withdraw from the social world.

Your assessment of this situation may be inaccurate. Depression clouds judgment. You could benefit from therapy. A therapist would objectively analyze your life and determine what treatment is most appropriate. A therapist will assess your social situations, your friendships and the way you interact with others. He or she will also determine whether or not you have depression and if the symptoms are interfering with your relationships and social situations. It’s important to proactively begin treatment when distressing symptoms emerge. This problem can be easily corrected with the assistance of the right therapist and treatment. I hope you will consider professional help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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My Divorced Mother Hates My Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 29th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello. My concern is basically that my mother who has been divorced for 10 years (maybe longer) says that she hates my boyfriend for these reasons:

1. He reminds her of my father.
2. “There is just something about him I don’t like and I don’t trust him,” she said.
3. She doesn’t like his eyes.
4. Because he is Mexican.
5. He is a contract worker. Your father was a contract worker too and he always lost his job. He doesn’t have a real job. (she says)

My boyfriend is very well educated and is a computer engineer. Yes, contract. But he makes a lot of money and has been taking care of me. My mother is Japanese and she lives in Japan. She met my boyfriend when she came to visit America. I didn’t tell her about him much but I wanted her to meet him so I arranged a dinner at my house. I even kept it casual by inviting my mom’s best friend and her kids (who are adults) too. Before she even met him, she drew conclusions about him and said ugly things like “I don’t like Mexican families.” This is really odd. Because my mom is not usually this judgmental when it comes to race. But I guess she’s an inner racist? Anyway, during the dinner she barely spoke to him. And our dinner was at most 2 hours long. The sad thing is that he knows she doesn’t like him, although I’ve been telling him that she does not and it will be fine.

Now, a year later we are still together and my mom still hates him. Recently he said that for my Christmas present he wants to pay for my plane ticket to go to Japan for New Years (a very important family holiday). He knows how much my family and I miss each other and he wants to do this for me. He is expecting that my family will be kind and welcome him to the family and let us stay at my family’s home. I believe that the rest of my family will really like him. But, I am scared to tell my mom that we are going to Japan. And I am also scared to tell my boyfriend IF my mom refuses to let him stay with us and join in the family festivities.

The story of mothers and fathers not liking the choice their child has made for his or her lover is as long as recorded history. From Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet to many current-day movies, the story of prejudice and racial bias in imbedded in the evolution of relationship.

Since you list your age as 24, I’d say it is time for you to be direct with your mother, Let her know that her protests are not going to change how you feel — and that they have more to do with her past than your future. I’d be very clear with her that if she can’t welcome you both, that you aren’t interested in a trip marred by her poor attitude. If your mom can’t accept your decisions, let her know you will wait until she can.

The process of individuation is difficult, but you cannot live your life trying to please your mother. If you do you are likely to hold a resentment that will affect your relationship with her anyway.

I’d also talk to other family members about your concerns to get their input. Right now you and your boyfriend are the target, but they may have an interest in helping you because it may be helping them downstream.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Family Doesn’t Include My Husband and I

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 29th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

When my daughter was 5 yrs old (15 years ago) One night, I went with my daughter to visit my sister who was married with a 13 yr old stepson and 2 little girls. Our mom was also there. We had dinner and talking in the kitchen when they noticed the bedroom door closed to their son’s room which they repeatedly told him to keep it open however it was closed. When they went to check what was going on, They found their 13 year old son under the covers with my 5 yr old daughter. According to him, he said nothing happened. On our way home, something wasn’t right with my daughter. The next day I told my sister and she called the police to file a report. She also met me at the doctors where they did a full exam on my daughter. They didn’t find anything. Thank god! But I was still haunted by what did happen and how this was going to affect my daughter!!

Well, it affected all of us going forward. we were no longer invited to anything involving my sister and her family. (15 years going) Obviously, after what happened it wouldn’t feel right to be in the same room with their 13 yr old son who is now 28 yrs old. A couple years ago, my daughter asked my sister why she wasn’t talking to me. I found out from my husband a couple weeks after that my sister said I almost broke up their marriage, I pushed her off the boat one time when we were young (playing around), we are not in the same social class meaning she has more money than me, etc…why did she tell my daughter these things is beyond me. I never kept my daughter from spending time with my sister and her family all these years. I have never been able to spend a minute with my nieces.

This isn’t the first time this happened but I saw a picture of my mom, my sister, her daughter and my daughter with a comment “just having fun with my family one night out before my surgery” on Facebook. My daughter is 20 now and I feel like she doesn’t care at all about what this is doing to me! I guess I have a few problems—I desperately need advice! (From the USA)

What I haven’t seen in your explanation is a direct conversation with your sister. Since it was her stepson and she called the police there seems to be a clear sense of taking responsibility, but her not connecting with you remains a mystery. I’d encourage you to have a one-on-one conversation with your sister in a neutral environment, a café or diner. Talk about your feelings and your needs and that you would like things to change. I’d be direct, and vulnerable with your needs. Perhaps the direct approach would help to initiate a change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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Can’t Let Go

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 28th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Last year, a three year relationship in which I was involved ended. I had never been more emotionally connected to someone as this person in my life. The relationship did not end well. For starters, the primary catalyst was that I had been married previously and had a child, she had not. Her family (particularly her mother with whom she was very close to), did not accept the idea of the two of us getting married. She impressed upon me throughout the relationship that we’d eventually overcome her family’s opposition and that we would spend our life together. Long story short, it didn’t happen. We began a break up last summer which was followed by three months of on-again and off-again patterns until eventually she found someone else. The someone else happened to have been a childhood friend and someone I had known well all of my life. I live in a small town where avoiding them is impossible and avoiding places and things that trigger memories is equally impossible. I have suffered from serious depression for over the past year. I have tried everything: counseling, focusing on my daughter and career, exercise, dating new people, and so forth. I have contemplated moving, but with my daughter’s circumstances, it would be difficult. I’ve had several relationships throughout the years, but NONE like this. I still love this person, as deeply as ever. I miss her every day. I think about her non-stop. It’s been over a year and I still can’t let go. Nothing I’ve done seems to help. I’ve stopped dating altogether because I started to realize how unfair it was to try and get emotionally involved with someone else when my mind and heart still focused so strongly on my ex. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of missing her. I’m tired of wanting her back every day. I realize how wrong it is for me to linger in this…but nothing I try takes away the thoughts. Honestly, had it not been for my family and daughter, I probably would have moved as far away as possible (or worse). I really need to get past this. I just don’t know how.

I know this is a very difficult time for you. Your powerful and moving description of this relationship highlights how difficult it can be when our love isn’t returned. Unrequited love leaves a vacancy that can be hard to understand, hard to fill, and emotionally burdensome.

But it also provides perspective and reevaluation of our emotional needs. When a good relationship has ended, one way to reframe the feelings around it is to recognize you were in love with that person’s potential. Not her reality. It was good up to a point — but it was limited and those limitations were real enough to cause it to end. The good features may have eclipsed the not-so-good ones in your memory and can dominate your thinking about the relationship. Use what was good as an indicator of what is possible. Seen through this lens, you can understand the relationship as a signpost of what you want more of in your life, not as something you have missed out on.

That having been said, and seeing as how you have tried so many ways to move through and past it, I would recommend learning something new — a new skill, a new language, a new sport. The shift now should be back to your own development and learning something new can help you absorb the transition out of this relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Questioning My Mother’s Mental Health

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 28th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I wonder what I could do. I am here because I need to understand urgently my mother’s issue. We are a good family, I am my parents only child and 3 years ago we have moved countries, from Brazil to the United States. For the past 5 years, me and my dad have questioned if she has any type of mental disorder. She is very stubborn, violent when mad, and very easily irritated. Her mood changes incredibly easy, for example today- which was the last drop for me- After my last few days of school, I came home early to study for an important exam tomorrow, however as I know she feels lonely I decided to stay with her for a few hours. We had great three hours together, laughing and talking. Finally, I need to leave and she asks me to drive her somewhere close, “Just wait for me to get ready”. I should mention she had to be with friends in few minutes and, she constantly complains she is lonely so I did my best to insist she’d go. Once I walk into her room 20 minutes after, she is laying in her bed, practically naked on her phone ( that is another issue, my mother is completely addicted to her phone and she blames me and my father for excluding her for so long she has to stay on her phone). To finish, I told her to hurry up because I didn’t have that much time, given I had spent the past 3 hours with her, and she stormed calling me names and saying I give her 1% of my time sometimes, and when I do I am not even paying attention.

Another example of her behavior is her way of blaming the world for her problems, and accusing people of doing things they have not done. She blames my father for ruining her life. With me it is a different situation, she in a ten minute gap will claim I am the best daughter she could have asked for or I ruin her life with my lack of affection. I have extensively read about different sicknesses but i cannot identify hers. I certainly need someone to help, but she would never agree of the necessity of a therapist. I leave for university in less than four months and I am deadly scared of leaving her alone. Please help me to understand.

I am glad you took the time to write us. This isn’t something you can take on by yourself. Whether or not your mom has mental health issues, the bottom line is that your relationship with her is strained because of her behavior. If your dad is still in the picture I would talk to him. You need help and support in coping with your mom, as you get ready to go to college.

When you get to your university I would immediately go to your school’s counseling center. The counselors are typically very well trained in helping young adult separate from the family. I know you love your mom, but you’ll need support and help to cope with her — and begin having a life of your own.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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What can I do for suicidal dad?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 27th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My dad is severely depressed and continually shouts that he is going to kill himself. He has withdrawn from everybody and REFUSES to get help. He says he is a failure and spends all his time alone or complaining about life. He has lost it and I dont know what to do. Can you please help?

I think your dad may be asking for help in the only way he can. The symptoms of depression include feeling helpless and hopeless. He’s stuck. He doesn’t think anything can help but he hates how he is feeling. The result is that all he can do is complain and make threats to hurt himself. Do take those threats very, very seriously. At some point, the internal pain may be too much for him.

The treatment that is most likely to be helpful is a combination of talk therapy and medicine. It can take up to 4 weeks for medication to start to work so you need a counselor who can give your dad and your family some much needed support in the meantime.

It’s very difficult to get help for someone who doesn’t want it. But there is something you can do. Make an appointment for yourself to see a psychiatrist and counselor to explain the situation and to strategize how to get your dad in to see the doctor. Find out what your state’s laws are about involuntary hospitalization.

Then do whatever it takes to get him to an appointment. If he continues to threaten suicide and if your state laws support it, take him to an emergency room for a crisis evaluation. Sometimes it takes a call for an ambulance. I’m not making specific suggestions here. I’m only outlining possibilities. You need to work with the psychiatrist to decide what is best, given what you know of your dad and the limits of the law in your state.

Health Guide Info’s website states, “When a family member will not seek help for depression, relatives should and must take the initiative to get them treatment. If you find yourself in this situation, take the following steps. Ask your relative why they will not seek treatment. Hearing their explanations may help you gain better insight into how to help. And, the fact that you are doing this may show your family member how much you want him or her to receive help. Begin with a check-up by a general practitioner. An appointment with a family doctor is a good place to start to rule out any medical causes of depression. Also, your family member may be more willing to see a general practitioner than a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Remember that your relative is low on motivation and energy, so you will probably need to make the appointment yourself. You may want to talk to the doctor first to inform him or her of your concerns. Accompany your relative to the appointment and take notes on information he or she may miss. Assist your family member in listing all of their emotional and physical symptoms to discuss with the doctor. As someone who sees your relative’s moods and behaviors regularly, you can acknowledge symptoms he or she may not recognize or be unwilling to divulge. Assist your depressed relative in finding a psychiatrist or therapist. If the doctor diagnoses depression and recommends a mental health professional, help to find the right provider. Finding a good and suitable therapist can be difficult, and this may take calls and visits to several professionals before one is chosen. Assistance making calls and researching providers is often necessary to help a depressed individual already lacking energy and motivation. When you have found one, be there at the first visit.”

Meanwhile, take care of yourself. You and other family members might want to see the counselor for your own benefit. It’s hard to stay strong for someone you love who is threatening to abandon you by killing himself. Even though your head probably tells you that you’re not responsible for his life, it’s hard to keep that perspective. It’s hard to keep telling someone you love that you love him when he rejects it. You deserve the support and guidance of an experienced counselor to help you get through this family crisis.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Need a Life Goal

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 27th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I need a reason to live, but I urge you kindly not to post answers similar or bordering towards “think about all the people who cares about you” or “everyone has a purpose”, I am neither religious nor suicidal, at least not anymore.

I’m just tired of being trapped in a pointless universe where we, the human race, only live to satisfy our ego. (Or super ego if you want to go all psycho- analytical on me)

But I suppose it is better than the alternative: A divine dictatorship which applies fear in order to keep its (his, hers or whatever) followers from searching for it and, assuming the search is successful, proving the existence of the divine entity in question.

I could go on, but this is beside the point, I am only including this so that you may easier understand my current position, sorry if I offended anyone.

But back to my question, which is: I need a reason to live, a life goal if you will; something that can drive me forward and give me strength or my life will be meaningless.

If anyone of you has any suggestions I would be most obliged.

Yours Truly

There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest — whether the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories — comes afterward. These are games; one must first answer. –Albert Camus, An Absurd Reasoning

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. — Thoreau

Struggling to find meaning and purpose in life is the essential work of living and I admire you having the courage in challenging others to help you find an answer. We did not give birth to ourselves, something else did, and we have been given the gift of consciousness along with that act of creation.

I am very much of the opinion that psychology’s history has been mostly helping people to find relief from pain. While that is good, it has not been focused on helping people thrive and develop a sense of well-being. This has changed. In the last 15 years there has been a tremendous push to add to our meaning purpose and achievement in life.

One of the chief architects of this shift is a former president of the American Psychological Association, Martin Seligman. He has put the issue squarely in front of us: “I believe psychology has done very well in working out how to understand and treat disease. But I think that is literally half-baked. If all you do is work to fix problems, to alleviate suffering, then by definition you are working to get people to zero, to neutral. What I’m saying is, Why not try to get them to plus-two, or plus-three?”

He has outlined the format for this change in his book Flourish and I highly recommend you read it. It has initiated perhaps the most widely researched and discussed approach to developing the good life, with a significant emphasis on meaning. While space limitations prevent me from elaborating on his theory and approach, I can say it is one of the more comprehensive perspectives being offered. If you are looking to dive into the more academic components of meaning one of the leaders in the field, Todd Kashdan can provide you with a wealth of information about creating a more meaningful life.

But along the way the words of the Dalai Lama may be helpful to keep in mind:

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Disconnected from Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 27th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I don’t feel a motherly connection to my mom. I would feel more comfortable talking and leaning on just a woman her age rather than her. She wasn’t a BAD mom as I grew up. I always had what i needed pretty much. But she would scream and threaten me almost everyday. Everyday we would fight. She has slammed me against the wall, smacked me in the face, threw me around, kicked me while I was down, pulled my hair, hit me with a belt, embarrassed me in front of family, friends, and in public, squeezed my face really hard, completely invaded my privacy…ect. A lot of physical stuff. I know i was difficult growing up but I know why she had to put her hands on me. I used to hate her sometimes.

I’m 23 now and she doesn’t do that stuff anymore because she knows i am strong enough to fight back. But i do not feel a motherly connection with her now. I don’t hate her, but I don’t feel comfortable talking and being affectionate with her.

I date WOMEN who are 15 and 20 years older than me because I feel like I can lean on them and that they will understand me. Did my mother’s abuse cause me to resent her? Has it become the reason why we don’t have a good relationship now?

What do you mean, “she wan’t a bad mother”? Yes, she very much was. What you are describing is child abuse. No one has the right to physically and verbally abuse a kid – ever! And you go on to say that she doesn’t continue to do that stuff only because she knows you would fight back. Do you mean if you were smaller and weaker, you think the abuse would continue? That the only reason you’re safe now is that you are big enough to take care of yourself?

There is something very wrong with your mother, not you. You didn’t get the safe and loving mother every child deserves.That little kid inside is still craving a mom. You question is why you can’t be attached to your biological mother. The answer is simple: The survivor in you knows better! To attach to your biological mother would probably only invite more abuse.

If your sexual orientation is toward other women, that’s to be respected. But if the reason you seek out women is to comfort the aching child you still hold inside, it’s unfair to your partners. Sadly, a romantic relationship based on your neediness isn’t likely to be healthy. Although it’s true that in any good relationship one partner or the other can provide comfort and care for the other now and then, if it is too one-sided the relationship usually collapses.

Instead, you need a close older friend or two to be close to, not a sexual romantic partner. There are such women, you know — women who miss their own daughters, women who never had a daughter, and women who include younger women in their circle of friends because they enjoy their energy, enthusiasm and new ideas. Friendships like that include good talks, sharing experiences, hanging out and, yes, some hugs and affection. You can have that without “dating.”

So – if you need a mother, not a lover, start going to places where you can get to know mother-types. Look around. I’m sure there are clubs and organizations and causes in your area that attract feisty, energetic, interesting, fun-loving women who are a generation older. Join up and get involved. The friendships will evolve naturally.

If your heart is still aching and breaking that you can’t make your mother be who you needed and want her to be, please do consider some therapy. You aren’t going to change your mother. You can heal the inner wounds she caused you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 26th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Hong Kong: Since the beginning of secondary school, I’ve been noticing that I’ve been feeling more down. And I also experienced an increase in anxiety. I’ve always been an anxious kid, but this increased and now it has reached to the point where sometimes I can’t eat in public much. Since I am dealing with overweight issues, i feel like anything everyone will be thinking why I’m eating even though I’m fat already. My family don’t understand this, they keep on eating outside while I just want to go home.

My father was abusive towards my mother. He was a alcoholic and would regularly come home drunk. And he was a big cheater. My mother forgave him for his cheating habits multiple times. He fathered two children with two different women. They are divorced now.

I’ve been lying more frequently. When people ask me if I’ve ever been suicidal, if I’m depressed, if I’ve ever had really bad things happen to me, my answer is always no. I never tell my closest friend anything I’m going through. I don’t think they care.

I hate my life. My main emotion I feel like is anger and loneliness. I always feel angry, most of the time with no reasons. And I feel like I might lash out, and I’m really scared if that happens. Cause I’ve been holding my anger for years. I’ve been thinking about death since 3 years ago, nothing motivates me. I’ve tried reading motivational quotes and articles about why I should not feel depressed or be suicidal, but they don’t help at all. I’ve been to the doctors a lot for stomach issues. They don’t really have answers and the medicines they give me don’t help.

I feel my friends don’t care about me. That they just took me in the group cause they feel bad for me.I feel so lonely sometimes I want to cry. I feel like no one will love me, I’m so serious that no one will love me. I can’t imagine in the future that I will get a partner.

I do want to go see a professional, but they costs a lot here. And I don’t think my mother understands what depression is. I think I’ll be lying to my therapist about how I really feel.

I’m sorry if this is a big mess.

Your letter is only a reflection of how you feel. It’s a “mess” because you feel like a “mess”. You are so discouraged about the possibility of making changes that you are giving up on yourself — even more than your friends have. Generally, teenagers don’t hang around with someone just because they feel “bad” for them. It’s more likely they like you but are as discouraged as you are about how to help you.

I agree with you. Some professional help would probably be helpful. But only if you are honest with your feelings. We therapists only have what people tell us to go on. If you do decide to see someone, please take this letter and response with you and share it. Doing so will help the therapist quickly get to your issues and be more helpful.

It might also be a good idea for you to share your letter with your mother as a way to help her understand how seriously discouraged you really are.

If seeing a professional isn’t possible, please look into joining a support group here at LifeHelper. Go to the “Find Help” tab on the home page. Then click on the “forums and support groups”. You will probably find a group of people who can offer you support and practical advice.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Do I Lack the Psychological Strength for College?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 25th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I really struggled in my first year of college, mostly due to life events (first-time academic challenges & inadequate high-school preparation, death of a close relative, illness, abuse, being kicked out of home, losing a lot of friendships, exam anxiety/panic attacks). Anyway, I decided to pull myself together for my second year and did a semester with almost double the normal course-load to get back on track. But I broke down in mid-semester (hadn’t had a day off in 3 months except when I was too sick to study).

So I decided to focus on one class I really like and spent a month studying for that final, only for my exam anxiety to resurface- I barely got a D. When the second round of finals came, I failed all of them, mostly because I find myself unable to study for them. Which is silly I took three weeks of break beforehand anyway, and none of the material was hard.

I have considered that I might simply be too stupid for college, but I know from past academic success that I’m (theoretically) intellectually capable. However, I often give up on frustrating exercises because I feel like I’ll never come up with the solution, and that any decent student would’ve solved them much more quickly- and that my solution will be insufficient and flawed beyond repair.

Aside from that, I feel very demotivated. I used to care about understanding the coursework, and I am still interested in my major on principle, but I can’t bring myself to open a textbook unless someone is hovering over me. A year ago, I remember flipping through my (then new) textbook, without any factual understanding of the pages of strange squiggles but excited and eager to unlock their mysteries. Now I know what most of them mean, but they hold no interest or emotional significance to me and I can’t be bothered to think about the ones I don’t understand and, at this rate, never will.

I’ll have to repeat the exams I failed this semester (or graduate late), but I feel too apathetic to study. There’s just emptiness where I used to have enthusiasm. Well, I know it’s going to be my fault for being too lazy and not wanting it bad enough. I guess I’m just too psychologically weak for college (I keep collapsing under the pressure before/at exams and I can’t motivate myself anymore), but if I was strong enough to put myself back together I wouldn’t be having this problem. I know I’m going to break down again when exams come anyway, so why waste time on a lost cause?

Anyway, I still sort of go to classes because my friends go there, and I theoretically have a plan that would allow me to graduate on time (and retain shreds of a social life) if I would study effectively. I’ve tried to go to the library, but I just end up staring at the wall, so I stay stuck on the couch and bore myself. I guess I just feel that, regardless of what I do, I’m just too …I don’t know, stupid/weak/un-passionate to even pass exams.

I’d quit and do something easier, but nothing else interests me and I’d probably fail those exams too. Not to mention having thrown away two years. Right now, my “rosy future” is getting handed a piece of paper, probably a 1+ years late, that I can’t even be proud of because my GPA is so pathetic that it might as well be toilet paper. I tried to talk to student counseling, but it didn’t help.

Suffice to say it all seems pretty meaningless to me now, but since I gave up all my hobbies and most of my friends for studying (and my boyfriend dumped me) I don’t have anything much in life that I care about. I’m not really sad, just bored and apathetic. I do feel bad about being weak and inferior, but it’s not like I can change that so I guess I’ll learn to live with it.

I don’t think you are any of the bad names you are calling yourself: lazy, weak, stupid, whatever. Your letter shows me that you are insightful and intelligent. You do sound like you may be depressed. You also sound like someone who has things to be depressed about. That list of problems from first year would sink anyone. Your “cure” for first year (taking on a double load during the first semester of second) was guaranteed to make things worse. My goodness! Where was your advisor?!

It isn’t fair to yourself to measure yourself as inadequate for not being able to handle college when you haven’t yet had a normal semester with just a normal amount of student stress. My guess is that you haven’t fully recovered from some of the issues from first year. Further, there is no mention in your letter about what you are studying for. If you don’t have a goal that excites you, of course it’s hard to want to do the courses.

I’m sorry student counseling wasn’t useful. That’s the first place I usually send someone like you. Most schools do have some kind of mental health services and most are very good. Perhaps you simply didn’t connect well with the person you saw there. I encourage you to try again. School counseling services have lots of experience with problems like yours and are usually helpful. Talk about why you are in college and whether you are ready to take it on. If not, think about doing a gap year program as a way to get some experience and to take time out for self-reflection. You might find this article helpful: “Are You Ready for College? Alternatives for the Unsure.”

You are only 18. You have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do and what will help you get there. There is nothing sacred about being in college straight out of high school or of taking some extra time to do it in a way that truly makes a foundation for your future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Want to List Everything I Think Is Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 25th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So this is my first time ever doing this, I never really told anyone about my issues or what I’m going through, I thought this might be a good little step for me so first I’ll tell you what I think is wrong with me.

So I’m 19 years old and a female I have had for a while thought something might be wrong with me, I was scared of telling someone about it cause I don’t want them to think I wanted attention, so the problem is is that I have had really bad thoughts of wanting to kill and hurt animals and people including my self, I get this happy feeling in me of seeing blood or bruises on me or on other people I don’t know why I just do.
I also believe I have anger issues I only get really angry if someone or something hit me where I don’t expect it and when it does I instantly snapp I yell at the closes person next to me or if they accidently hit me I will grab them hard Leaving a mark or a bruise on them and make threats to them and when I realized what they did to me was an accident and I hurt them I quickly apologize and leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom and start hating myself and wishing I was dead I have also started hurting my self cuting but I stop that.
I also don’t really care what happens to me if I was to get hit by a car or get killed I wouldn’t care but if its someone else I would care. I also get jealous and envy if someone gets raped and abused badly ( which is the most horrible thing anyone who have went through it) but I wanted to be hurt badly when I hear a person being beaten and raped on the news I would say to myself
“ why can’t that happens to me, why do they get to experience that and I don’t “
So that’s what Iv been going through and I thought i might tell you about my childhood which might give you an idea or something of why I’m like this, so me and my dad we don’t get along we never did to me my dad is like a ticking time bomb you never know when he’ll get piss off and start yelling and when he does he yells at me and my mum and complain about me to my mum and then starts calling her and me names and throw stuff and hit me and throw me on the ground and then I get told to go in the room with My little siblings and I instantly get guilty that she had to go through that when it should have been me who caused it which I didn’t all I did was talked to him keep in mind at that time I was only 5 and during the whole entire time growing up I don’t remember him ever really being in my life only sometimes he would but whenever he was there with us he would always make everyone upset and depressed my whole life iv grown up hating him and wishing he was dead and when I hear other kids saying how close they are to there dads I instantly think it’s the grossist thing and while growing up I came to dislike men not only because of my dad but because of boys who were older than me I would say one was a year older than me and two boys who were maybe close to there teens would always kiss me and touch me I don’t really remember much all I know was that I was only a kid and I don’t know what they were doing was sexual stuff ever since then I can remember iv started being really into sex I always have thoughts of it always touching myself ( still a kid) and now close to my 20s I never been with anyone but still touch myself.

OK so I hope all that means something I hope it makes sense sorry if it doesn’t I just really wants someone to hear me out so if you do read this I want to say thank you for your time.

Thank you for providing a great deal of information. It helps me to understand your issues.

The key to understanding why you feel the way you do may stem from your childhood. It was rough, to say the least. Parents are supposed to love and care for their children and act as role models. They’re not supposed to hurt them or let them be harmed by others. The very people who were supposed to be caring for you, either hurt you or allowed you to be hurt. Your father was erratic, angry and unpredictable. He hurt you. You described him as being “ticking time bomb.” You didn’t know to expect from him. People who are raised in these situations describe the experience as having to walk on eggshells. It’s a very disconcerting feeling to live with a “ticking time bomb.” It’s not easy or a pleasurable way to live. It can make you feel uneasy, on edge, unstable, insecure, and unsafe.

You didn’t mention if you still live with your parents, but if so that could explain why you are feeling the way you do. Even if you are not living with them, it could still explain the way you feel. It’s not uncommon for people who have been abused to express the desire to hurt themselves or others. The fantasy of harming others may give you the feeling of being more in control. If you’ve been dominated your whole life, and made to feel small and powerless, it would make sense that you would fantasize about becoming the all-powerful one in control.

Your father was the all-powerful one in your home. You had no control over your situation. He hurt you and there is nothing you could do about it. Of course, you could’ve called emergency services, but you may not have known that because you were only a young child. Even if you would’ve called for help, there’s no guarantee that you would not have been punished by your father for having made the call. Therefore, your fantasies of harming other people may be a form of psychological compensation for your having been in a position of powerlessness.

As for wanting to harm yourself, that may also stem from you having been abused. Sometimes, when a parent abuses a child, the child begins to believe that they are being abused because they deserve it, and that they are unworthy of love, caring and positivity. They start to internalize the abuse, blame themselves and think that they are no good and that they deserve pain and suffering. Such ideas significantly impact one’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. An individual in this circumstance may begin to believe that they’re no good, and treat themselves in accordance with their perceived low self-worth. That might be why you treat yourself poorly and want to hurt yourself. You may think that you are unworthy, unlovable and deserving of abuse and negativity. These are the unfortunate effects of abuse.

Thankfully, these problems can be corrected with counseling. I would highly recommend it. It would help you to better understand your feelings and also to correct the inconsistencies or irrational ideas you may hold regarding yourself and others. Through no fault of your own, you may have developed a sense of identity that is inconsistent with the truth which is that you deserve to be happy, have positive things happen in your life and to be loved and cared for by others.

The great thing about therapy is that it does work, especially when you choose a therapist who has experience and who has helped others in similar situations. Contact your family doctor and ask for a referral. I always recommend calling at least 5 to 10 therapists and speaking with them on the phone. Choose the one you feel the most comfortable with and meet with them in person. That will likely be the best match for you.

If you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, go to the hospital or call the mental health crisis team. They can assist you in ensuring that you don’t do something that you may later regret. Help is available, you just have to ask for it. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I found out my mom is cheating

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 24th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I just found out that my mom is cheating on my dad and don’t know what to do, I found out through a letter that she had on her bag send it by another men and the letter said that they have been seen each other for the last four years.

The thing is that I had suspicions about this because two years ago I read a message on her phone and I ask her about it, but she said that the message wasn’t for her, that it was her friend who was having an affair and she was receiving the messages for her, I knew she was lying to me, but I preferred to believed her because it was easy, but I never stop thinking if every time she said she was going with a friend it was the whole truth.

After that I was completely sure if she was still having the affair so I decided to not tell her anything, but now that I am sure that the affair is still going on, I don’t know what to do. I have read that in these cases is best if you let it go, because this is supposed to be between my father and my mother, but I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if I have the courage to ask her again and I am afraid of what she would say. Also I know that must people cheat on their marriage but this is being going on for 4 years and that’s what scares me, also I don’t want to tell my mom that I know because I’m afraid of what would happen. I don’t want my parents to get a divorced, that’s what the fist time I knew about this I didn’t tell anything, but I’m not sure if I can do this anymore, and I don’t want to tell any of my friends cause I don’t want them to think bad of my mother so I want somebody to talk to.

Thank you

I am so sorry you are caught in the middle of this. Not an easy place to be and there are no clear directives on something like this. There are many factors to weigh.

There are two paths that seem the most helpful. Please know the strategies might be very different if you were younger. But at 22 I think these might be the most reasonable ways to move forward.

The first thing is to use this feeling of betrayal (your mom lying to you, and betraying the family) as a catalyst for your own growth and development. While it might seem ubiquitous, cheating on one’s spouse is still a devastation to everyone involved. But this devastation can be fertile ground for your own maturation.

I would seek out a therapist (click the find help tab above) to begin talking about your experience and I would start keeping a journal of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. One of the issues here is that your mom has become someone you cannot trust sharing your needs with. As a result I would start developing a network of support of your own. A therapist, a journal, and at least one good friend will be the places to put your energy. Don’t confront your mom with this. Just know that she is limited in how she can respond and be there for you. Develop your own support. You need safe places to have your feelings.

The second path is riskier, but may allow you to keep an honest relationship with your mom if she is willing. Do all the things noted on the first path, but in addition talk to your mom. This path involves simply explaining the facts.

  • You’ve learned about the affair and are upset by it.
  • You feel stuck and uncertain what to do with the information because it puts you in the position of having to keep a secret.
  • You are disappointed in her and are uncertain what to do about it.

The advantage of this is that it opens the communication path between you and your mom: There is no longer an elephant in the room that isn’t being talked about. The disadvantage is the elephant has to be dealt with.

As a side note the divorce rate for people who married their lovers is 75 percent. The noted psychiatrist and author Frank Pittman explains this is due to such factors as intervention of reality; guilt; expectations’ a general distrust of marriage; and a distrust of the affairee.

I include this information because whatever direction this goes it isn’t going to be a quick fix, and the best person to invest in during this time is you. Take the time to honor your feelings through a journal and starting therapy. When you are ready, confide in a trusted friend. They can be one of your best resources.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Overly Attached to Cats

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 23rd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

This past year my 18 year old brother died. We were very close. In my time of grief his cats (my childhood cats) were my only source of comfort. I was never close to my mother- during my teenage years we had constant physical and emotional fights. I was always somewhat distant with my father. I have an uncomfortable relationship with my stepmom and stepsister despite making our peace. In my lifetime I have never really been able to hold on to friends for long. I occasionally meet with a high school friend and a college friend, but both have better friends they prefer to hang out with. I had another group of friends, but one of those friendships was toxic, and when I cut off that friendship the other friends stopped talking to me. Despite being in a few relationships, I have never had romantic feelings for anyone. Mainly I got into such relationships out of pity, or curiosity. I have never really been attracted sexually to anyone despite having a regular sex drive. I am currently on medication for depression and ADHD. Despite getting a master’s degree, I work a demeaning food service job. My student loans are quite large, so this year I moved in with my dad. I find this fact humiliating, but I have been unable to find decent work. Because of this I have been considering a high-paying teaching job abroad, especially since I don’t have any real attachments here. And being an avid traveller and having moved far before, I know the revitalizing effect it would have on me. The problem is that these cats are 17 years old and I’m afraid they won’t have much time to live. If I left and they died, I would be devastated, even possibly to the point of not wanting to live anymore. They would be fed and taken care of, but my other family members don’t really care about them. I couldn’t live with myself knowing their last moments were without love. But it’s getting harder to live with this feeling of not being fulfilled and I feel silly for wanting to put my life on hold for cats, especially since they could live another 5 or more years, but they are basically the only satisfying relationship I’ve ever had. I am at a loss for what to do.

Thank you for your thoughtful question and concern. I think there are three ways to view this that may be of help. First, the teaching job sounds like a good fit and revitalization sounds right. So the plan would be to make the transition to this job work, not letting it go. In other words, let’s see this as a shift toward you moving on and finding a satisfactory solution for your beloved cats.

Second, I would consider the possibility of taking the cats with you and making arrangements for their care in the country you are going to. There are several features of this perspective that I think you may find useful. While you are teaching you may be able to care directly for the cats yourself, thus extending the time with them while enhancing your own career and life choices. Then, while you are traveling, you would be able to arrange for care by either a trusted person or a care facility. This way you get the best of both worlds. You extend the time with your cats and have the direct responsibility for arranging their care, while at the same time taking care of yourself.

Finally, if you do choose to leave them, as you go I would invest in finding them a caring, loving home. Interview people who would want to care for them and find folks who have the interest and ability to extend the love you have given them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Want to Be Sick for Attention

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 23rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Let me begin with the symptoms I have had all my life. Ever since I was little, I have been anxious in large crowds, especially in crowds full of strangers, so much so that I spend a lot of my free time, not at work or school, at home. Time outside in situations with people, I find myself struggling to find a topic of conversation, or continuing on with a subject. I find myself saying things at the wrong time, or reacting oddly to other people’s reactions. At times, I seem to incorrectly read people’s emotions, whether spoken or not, and I tend to get angry and frustrated when there is no need to be. Because of this, I am conflicted, because when I am at home, I wish to be out with people doing something, but when I am around my friends and family, though I do enjoy it for some time, I end up wishing I were back at home.

This is the intro to my current problem. Normally, I find myself not wanting to be in the middle of attention, because that would just cause me to be anxious and almost rather be dead than in that moment. However, recently, I have been wanting some sort of emotional attention. What I mean by that is, I don’t want people complimenting me and praising all my good works, because, honestly, whenever someone says something positive about me, it’s total BS and they’re just trying to make me feel better about myself. Instead, I want something more emotional and physical. I’m not really into that sexual type stuff, so lately, I’ve been really wanting some sort of serious illness to hit, especially me but also to my family.

I want this illness, whatever one comes my way, to occur at the worst possible time, so I have an excuse to cry in front of people, and for people to give me support. I want an illness to give me a reason to spill out all my emotions out to someone without worrying about them judging me, or turning away from me because I didn’t say something right. I just want to be comforted, because I have all these emotions bottled up in me so that I don’t even know what I feel sometimes. What do I do?

 

You imagine that an illness would get those around you to show concern and caring. Your underlying motivation may be that you want to be loved and to know that people care about you. Those are normal human emotions and desires. It also suggests that you may not be getting those needs met by your caregivers.

You seem to see illness as the only way to meet your needs, but it would only lead to unneeded suffering. If an ailment were to befall you or your family, you would realize how valuable ones’ health is. You don’t want to learn its value by becoming the victim of a serious illness.

I would suggest counseling. It could help you with your anxiety, and depression Treatment could help you immensely. In the meantime, try journaling or writing to help you expose your feelings. Then bring those writings to the therapist who could assist you in explore why you feel the way you do. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randlle

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I Don’t Know What Is Wrong

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 22nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the Netherlands: I feel so confused.Since I was 10, I have been an anxious person. I was bullied around that time, and I have always been made fun of. I feel like that never really affected me. Then, when I was 12, I remember feeling horrible sensations inside me. I don´t know if those feelings were sadness or anxiety, I just remember being in mere pain. Then, after I turned 13, those feelings were decreasing in intensity. I was definitely still anxious, but I guess I was used to it, so I really cannot remember my emotional experience at that time.

What worries me is that, now, most of the time, I feel numb. That is the first of the only three feelings that I can experience, and the one I feel the most: plain numbness. My teachers have always said that I have a nonchalant attitude, and I used to disagree, but now I do not. There are periods of time (which are very long) where I could not care less about anything in my life. During these, feel restless, cannot concentrate, and often find myself thinking of death, generally, or just full of pessimistic thoughts, but I cannot feel anything positive. I cannot even enjoy activities the way I used to.

Sometimes I feel a second, different feeling: I feel stupid or ashamed. I don´t really know how to describe this one. I feel like this when little, simple and insignificant events affect me tremendously for hours, but then I tend to just ignore them, and when I remember stupid things I have done in the past.

The third feeling is a mixture of hopelessness and abandonment, but I rarely experience it. When this feeling comes, I fantasize about being friends with people I know (most of them have only seen me, or know me but despise me) and talking to girls I am attracted to, begging them to stay with me for a minute. Then I feel truly sad, start crying and realize that I will be alone during all my meaningless life.

By the way, I am feeling so stupid right now, just because I am writing this to you. I lately also fear being a victim of crime when the second and third feelings come; most of the time I just visualize myself dead in a corner after being robbed.
P.S: I have high-functioning ASD.

Thank you for writing. Although I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, I can tell you that the feelings you describe are consistent with depression. As you probably know, people with high functioning autism are often anxious. The isolation due to difficulties with social interactions and communication can also trigger feelings of depression.

If you are not already in therapy, I hope you will consider seeing someone for an evaluation and recommendations. Look for a therapist who is experienced in working with teens on the autism spectrum. Such a therapist will help you make sense of your feelings and also learn some compensatory behaviors so you can be more comfortable with other people.

I also suggest that you read some of Temple Grandin’s books. She is an articulate and helpful member of the community of people on the spectrum. I think you would find her story helpful. There is also an excellent made for TV movie that was filmed in 2010 about her life. Do check out her website as well: http://templegrandin.com/. I think her articles will be very reasssuring.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Childhood Trauma? (I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me)

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 22nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My parents are divorced. I moved to this country. My brother moved back to England to be with my dad. My mum and step-dad were alcoholics and my step-brothers were mean. I think I might have abandonment PTSD, but I have no abandonment issues. I was technically abused but it was neglect mostly and doesn’t feel worthy of being called abuse. My mother is kind of a child, I’ve spent most of my life since I was 10 or 13 looking after her, especially after her second divorce. In which I sometimes had to put her to bed. I was often a mediator between her and my stepfather. The pair cried to me rather often. When they divorced, my step dad told me he’d still be here for me if I needed him, but I recently tried to reconnect with him to no avail. I understand that “I’m here for you” is never a sentence for the recipient but rather the speaker, to make them feel good. I understand that people are self-centered and small-minded. I had a history of instigating chaos by constantly breaking the law, trespassing, stealing, vandalism. I’m well behaved now, but I still have memories and old pains of my youth. All of the times people said they’d be there for me. My attempted suicide. My mother’s attempted suicide. The time when I was dragged up the stairs by my hair. The rumors in middle school that lead to people fearing me for no reason, and the times that I let the rumors change me, and I hurt people. The boyfriend who gunned me down with a bb gun, almost blinding me, and on a separate occasion (after breaking up) the time that he threw a chair at me. My best friend who left me because I’m “childish, spend too much time with my boyfriend, and disrespect my mother”. My mother who actually assaulted my boyfriend once. Man, she would get so out of her face sometimes that she… A couple of times back at my stepdads, she would barge into my room (she did that a lot) and throw suitcases on the floor, demanding that I pack so that we’d leave, but I, a 13-year-old, knew better than to get in the car with a drunk. On many occasions, I barricaded myself in my room, hid in my closet, or on the roof. I sometimes went without food because my step brothers ate everything. I had my own secret pantry of snacks and I was still underweight. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out all the information I think could use some help.

It is time to become more self-sufficient by getting a job and planning on moving out. At 20 years old you need to have some plans and a direction for your life that doesn’t involve your highly dysfunctional family. I would also highly recommend some therapy as you sort through your options and pull these plans together.

It might take you a while — even a year or so — but you need to have a plan to become more independent.

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No Help in Brazil

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 21st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I moved back to my native country (Brazil) after about 10 years living in the United States. Life had lots of ups and downs in the US, both due to being an immigrant and due to being married very young to an immature and mentally unstable man. About 1 year before we actually moved back we started talking about leaving the US due to the economic crisis and also because my husband’s mental health was deteriorating. We both thought the move was the right thing to do as we’d be closer to family and friends, he’d have free healthcare, and also because of better economic prospects in Brazil.

Unfortunately, since we arrived, about 18 months ago, my life has been pure hell. None of the prospects panned out, my higher ed degree is not recognized here as it was earned in the US, my husband cannot get a job, both of his parents died within 12 months of our arrival and now he’s in a heated battle with his half-brother for the inheritance. Needless to say, his mental health has become worse than ever, our financial situation is not good, and our quality of life has decreased immensely. We have moved from city to city over here and we’re now living with my parents in a tiny town in a rural area. I cannot adapt to my own country’s customs and traditions, I miss the life I had before, I get really angry for having come back, and I feel helpless and hopeless about the situation. It’d be really hard to go back to the US now that we are broke and would have no job or home to go back to.

Lots of people have been telling me I’m depressed and I need to see a psychiatrist. The town does not have one, though, so I went to a GP and complained about having sleep problems. He did not even ask me any follow up questions to diagnose depression or any other mental problem, but he right away whipped up a prescription for 20mg of Citalopram daily. I took the first pill yesterday morning and I felt extremely ill all day. I was advised to take the second pill today anyway, so I did, but I’m really nervous about it. I had tried taking Prozac about 6 months ago, which was also prescribed without any formal diagnosis by my former GP, but the side effects were so crippling that I stopped after 8 doses. Now Citalopram seems to be making me very sick as well. What if what I have is not clinical depression? Will the pills hurt? If what I have is an adjustment disorder, is this drug the best treatment option I have, considering the lack of resources in the town and my financial situation? I appreciate any help, Thank you!

In Brazil, at least where you are located in the country, you don’t have the same kind of access to psychiatric services that you would likely have in the United States. Unfortunately, your options are limited.

Keep in mind that when beginning a new medication, it’s not unusual to experience side effects. For many medications, those side effects will subside after the first few weeks.

It is difficult to know if the type of medication that the general practitioner (GP) prescribed is the correct one for you. Finding the right medication often involves trial and error. Unfortunately, for the patient, this often means taking medications that temporarily produce unpleasant side effects.

Considering the limited psychological resources available in Brazil, you have to work with who is available. I would encourage you to report your side effects to the GP. You could also ask the GP about what other mental health services are available in the country. Ask if he or she has specific names or contacts.

The World Health Organization reports that Brazil has Psychosocial Community Centers (CAPS). CAPS seem comparable to the community mental health centers that we have in the United States. Though the CAPS program reportedly targets severely mentally ill individuals, social service workers associated with those facilities may be able to assist you in locating less intensive outpatient services.

Finally, you may want to consider returning to the United States. I understand the difficulties associated with such a move but at this point it seems as though you have nothing to gain from remaining in Brazil. The move might be difficult but the job prospects may be better in the United States than in Brazil. As you mentioned, your degree is recognized in the United States but not in Brazil. It may be something to consider. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I Check into a Hospital?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 20th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For about 10 years I have been struggling with depersonalization and anxiety and up until now I have been able to live with it. Recently after having my wisdom teeth out I had a very bad panic episode and started reading about schizophrenia and woke up in the middle of the night with intrusive thoughts of hurting my fiancé. I had slight auditory hallucination one night that I knew where inside my head and not real in addition to very vivid dreams and have had a slight paranoia thinking that people hate me. I did a lot of research and found that I might be suffering from ocd and I have been meeting with a ocd specialist and have told him all of my concerns and he has told me that I have ocd, anxiety, and depression. I fear that I am losing touch with reality because it seems my symptoms are getting worse. I feel emotionally numb and have constant night sweats and have had no appetite for over three weeks. Since I was 20 I have had episodic fears that I have angered god and that the devil is out to ruin my life. Overall I just feel crazy and feel very detached from myself like someone else has inhabited my body and mind. I have been to several therapists over the years and none of them think that I have a psychotic disorder. The most worrying symptom is that I feel like time has sped up, it feels like 15 minutes had gone by while in actuality 2 hours have past. Usually I have years where I feel 100 percent normal and then every 2 to 3 years I have an episode where I feel crazy for about eight months. I really have no clue what to do about all of this, talk therapy has never helped and every day I just feel further away from the happy person that I used to be. I just want these intrusive thoughts to go away so that I can go along with my life. Do you thinking checking myself into the hospital would be a good idea at this point?

I’m sorry that you are suffering. You stated that you have been in therapy for years and it has not helped. Medication might be useful in treating your symptoms.

With regard to checking yourself into a hospital, typically, in order to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, an individual has to be homicidal or suicidal, or in grave danger of imminent death due to their psychiatric symptoms. This is true in most cases. Even if admitted to the hospital, your stay would likely be brief, especially if you are not actively exhibiting suicidal or homicidal thoughts. Alternatively, you may be able to check in to a private psychiatric facility but there are potential drawbacks. It might not be reimbursable by your health insurance company and it could be very expensive. You may want to call the hospital or your insurance company directly for more details.

A hospital stay is a short-term solution but you may need something more for this long-standing problem. Medication might be the solution. Some people are reluctant to take medication but they shouldn’t be. There are many psychiatric medications that specifically target the symptoms you have described. A low dose of medication might significantly reduce your symptoms. You may only need it temporarily. Many people regard medication as a “lifesaver.” It could help you immensely. Discuss this option with your treatment providers. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

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Wanting to Die and/or Kill Someone (Family and Activism Issue)

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 20th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Although I know it’s wrong to self-diagnose, I self-diagnosed myself with dysthymia just in February because I started thinking about killing myself, although I never actualized my thoughts (because I know it’s wrong), when before, starting when I was around 8, I just thought of about how life for me and for everyone else around me might be better off without me being born – because I noticed the favoritism of my parents toward me over my sister.

I think it started in February because I’ve started to link it to unfortunate events (i.e. I got sick/got into an accident every February since 3 years ago -this time, I got into an accident in March).

But it started getting worse in April (because election’s in May). I started wanting to kill myself even more, in hopes to convince my family about how wrong their presidential choice is (I’ll explain later).

Election day came and my weird thoughts haven’t gone away.

Back to my family’s presidential choice, everyone except me, voted for one certain candidate and that candidate won, and he’s starting his platform (“Oplan ****”) -killing drug users/pushers/whatever.

Because of that “Oplan”, many activists and the Commission on Human Rights (CHR) stood against the candidate. What annoys me the most is the fact that my family is hating on the activists and CHR for protecting the druggies -which they’re not, their point is that innocent people may be killed and will never get justice because of that (the candidate condones extrajudicial killings).

And now I’m starting to have thoughts of “I hope someone in my family dies, whether it’s me or not, and does not get justice because he/she’s accused of (or framed-up) as a drug pusher.” Then I suddenly thought of how I could be the one to kill someone for that matter. I don’t think of plans to do it, but my mind already imagines the situation afterwards -how reality strikes my family then I’ll just smile.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t normal… I think it might be because of my activism, but it’s already a part of me and I don’t want to stop it. I’m also thinking it might be because of other reasons -right now, I can think of around 5 more reasons.

What can I do to stop these thoughts? Or should I just let these thoughts flow?

The only way to know if you have a mental illness is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. As you correctly noted, it’s not good to self-diagnose. Therefore you should avoid it.

Your thoughts, as of late, are concerning. Any time someone is considering suicide or homicide, it’s a sign that they are in distress and need help. Thoughts about suicide and homicide are indicators of a problem. Contented people don’t think about ending their lives or the lives of other people.

If you suspect that you have a mental illness, then seek professional help. It would help to reduce or eliminate your distressing thoughts. I’m not familiar with the mental health system in your country but seek out counseling, if such services are available. That would be the most efficient and responsible course of action. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Feeling Bad After Doctor Visit

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 19th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have severe generalized anxiety and treatment resistant major depressive disorder. I am prescribed medication by my family doctor, whom I see once every two months. During my last prescription renewal, I asked him if there are any other treatments or medications that I haven’t yet tried, and his answer was very confusing. He said, “Psychiatry hasn’t changed. The only treatment I know of that works [for depression] is to have a full life, be active socially, work full time, get plenty of exercise, and get up at 6:30am every day.” I asked him, “How do you do that with anxiety and problems, and chronic trouble sleeping?” He responded, “All at the same time, I guess.”

But the “cure” for depression seems to be impossible to do. In the past, I have tried many, many times to live a “normal” lifestyle – to regularly exercise, socialize, work part time, have hobbies, think positively, etc. I always ended up feeling much worse. More depressed, anxious, stressed, and far worst of all, an intolerable amount of guilt and shame from failing.

I asked him if there is anything more I can do to control my anxiety. He told me that the only thing that works is to do something that shakes me out of it, like travel abroad and work with impoverished people. Because I will see people who live in squalid conditions and don’t even have food and clean water and I will understand that I don’t need to be anxious.

I want to live my life as fully as possible, which means treating, managing, and/or accepting my mood and anxiety disorders. But I don’t understand what my doctor’s point is. In order to be cured of depression I need to live according to his prescribed lifestyle even if I can’t attain and maintain it? In order to be free from my anxiety disorder I need to witness abject poverty so my brain will know that my current worries are unfounded? I feel frustrated, guilty, and hurt because the message seems to be that my mental health issues are a result of a character flaw. If I could just live like undepressed people do and count my blessings I wouldn’t have these disorders.

Can you help me understand what he is saying?

 I can’t speak for your family doctor. Only he knows the intended message of the words he chose to speak to you. You have described him as a family doctor. I can assure you that a family doctor is not a psychiatrist. A family doctor may prescribe an antidepressant as a first step in the treatment process. If the antidepressant works, problem cured. However, if the antidepressant does not work the next step should be his referring you to a mental health professional. A psychiatrist is a specialist and a family doctor is a generalist. There are times when a medical condition requires the use of a specialist. A surgeon is a specialist. An internist is a specialist. A cardiac physician is a specialist. A psychiatrist is a specialist.

It does appear from the words that you have written to me that your family doctor may have reached the end of his mental health knowledge base. I have known and know many psychiatrists and I have never known them to recommend to a patient that they leave the country and live among the very poor. I am at least adequately knowledgeable of every major treatment modality used by psychiatrists and I know of none that recommend moving to another country and living among the severely impoverished.

After seeing you, your family doctor may well have treated an underactive gallbladder, a case of acne and leg pain. It would be unfair to ask the family doctor to be an expert on internal medicine, dermatology and the functioning of neurons. It is also unfair to ask him to be an expert on mental health. It would not be unfair to ask a psychiatrist to be an expert on mental health because he or she is, an expert on mental health.

Finally, we come to the debate as to the cause of depression. There is no universal agreement. Is it physical? Is it psychological? Is it sometimes physical and other times psychological? Is it sometimes, a little of both?

If it’s physical then we can do surgery or prescribed medications and stop wasting our time on talk therapy. If it’s not physical then we can do talk therapy and stop wasting our time on drugs. Or maybe, we use drugs for short-term relief while the much longer process of talk therapy actually produces the cure.

No one yet, has answered the above questions though many offer opinions and some behave as if they know the answers to the above questions, conveniently ignoring the fact that scientific research has yet to provide those answers.

Most psychiatrists will either provide their own talk therapy or refer to an outside mental health professional. Of course no one in the world is more qualified to prescribe medication, evaluate medication and adjust medication, than is a psychiatrist. However, they know no more about acne than does a family doctor.

Please let me conclude by saying something that I have said in this forum many times. If your professional, be he a physician, a PhD or a plumber, is not solving your problem then by all means and without hesitation, try another. Good luck my friend.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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