I have no idea why I have this fear or anxiety. I am taking online classes full-time right now and have been for the last 3 year. I will always start the school quarter off well and be on track with Homework and grades but then if I don’t get online for just one single day (which is completely fine to do. We aren’t required to go online everyday) it becomes extremely hard for me to get back online to do homework and to check my grades.
It is very similar to another fear I have which is when I fear checking my bank account. Except with my school work it has affected my life tremendously and I have failed class after class and have also been kicked out of one school and am now at a new school and the very first quarter I failed all my classes. It’s not because I don’t want to do my home because I feel a huge sense of accomplishment when i do finish my homework and get great grades but for some reason I am so affraid of what I am going to see when I get online. Will I see that I missed something? Will I have failed a test? Will I have an email from my teacher asking me why I haven’t been online? Will my grades be all a failing grade?
So I end up procrastinating to the very last day and last 5 hours of the week before everything is done and sometime I will just not do anything for the week and make excuse like “I will make it up. Or I will be fine” Etc etc….
I am supposed to be graduating this year but instead I’m only in my second year of school because of this problem. I really need help and advice to identify what the hell is wrong with me. I have a psychiatrist that I have tried to explain this too but she gave me some advise to the tune of “ well you just need to get on there and do your homework” Literally that’s all she gave me.
I see her for anti-depressants for depression. And this issue I’m having has been going on even when I was back in high school 13 years ago. So it’s nothing to do with medications i am taking. But I do think it is important to mention that I am a recovering heroin addict and am a few years clean but used heavily for 7 years which I realized later in that I was self medicating for depression I was having.
So any help! ANY! Would be greatly appreciated. Please help me. I don’t even know where to begin with this issue and it’s hard enough to really explain the issue.
Thank you for reading!
First, let me say how much I admire your resilience, persistence, and bravery in staying clean from heroin. These important character traits will help you get through this as well.
It sounds like the psychiatrist is only doing medication evaluation and what you need is someone able to help you with more specific strategies. I recommend you go to the university counseling center and ask to see a therapist proficient in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Your perfectionist concerns are creating a thinking trap that CBT therapists are very good at helping you challenge and change. Once you learn how to identify the thoughts that are generating the fears and procrastination, you will be able to deal with them more directly and make better decisions.
Wishing you patience and peace,