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I Believe I May Have OCD

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I may have OCD, I’ve got intrusive thoughts I sometimes think about 1 thing in particular quite a while ago I heard about someone committing a murder while sleepwalking and while I don’t really believe that I sleepwalk it still bug’s the heck out of me.

Basically I’ve thought about this before not too much but mostly I’ve had terrible thoughts of what if that happened to me and I killed a family member, I’ve gotten scared to the point of wanting to stay awake all night just to make sure nothing happens or blocking my doorway or by locking my door.

Mostly I’ve thought about my brother more or less, doing something to him for some reason he does irritate me sometimes but I still love him and I fear what would happen if that was the case with me what if I sleepwalked and did a horrible thing like that, I’ve asked god before pretty much every night to essentially smite me if I started sleepwalking, And I know I would never want to act on these thought’s because I made a promise to myself that I’d kill myself before I tried to harm someone in my family.

Anyway’s it really scares me sometimes it’s been a bit better since I’ve learned about OCD and intrusive thought’s but I still want to know if that is the case, I don’t have money for a therapist nor does my family, and I don’t feel comfortable talking about this issue with my family for fear of what may come. I also fear what if what if that happen’s what then, my brother’s life would be non existent then and he basically wouldn’t be able to grow old and get married or make a good life for himself etc., And I’ve done thing’s in the past that I think are OCD-related, Such as checking a lock a couple time’s to make sure it’s locked or checking the stove make sure its not on so my family won’t be harmed by the gas fumes or like sometimes I’ve rechecked our water spigot outside after I feed our family’s dogs etc.

I hope you can please give me a diagnosis while I believe you probably won’t be able to that well over the internet I hope I can get some kind of answer.

You might be correct about having obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). You seem to be experiencing some of the symptoms. Undergoing a psychological evaluation would be the best way to make that determination.

All persons with OCD have intrusive thoughts. Typically, individuals experience these thoughts and obsessions and subsequently perform various compulsive behaviors in an attempt to relieve the discomfort associated with their obsessions.

The heart of your problems might be the lack of trust in yourself. You believe that you might lose control and possibly commit murder. Fundamentally, the root of your fears may be the loss of control.

It’s always best to focus on reality and that is particularly important when it comes to anxiety. People with anxiety disorders are prone to excessive worry about situations where there is a low probability of the feared events occurring. The probability of your developing a sleepwalking disorder and murdering a family member is extremely low. As a general rule, the lower the probability of something occurring, the less concerned you should feel.

It’s important that you seek treatment with a therapist. You can likely receive treatment at your local community mental health center. Most community mental health centers offer free or sliding scale services. There may also be ongoing mental health studies at a nearby university. You might be eligible for participation in an anxiety study and would then receive free psychological treatment and or medication.

OCD is a highly treatable condition. I hope you that you will make the effort to determine what services are available in your community. It will be well worth your time and effort. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What Started Out as OCD Looks Like Legitimate Pedophilia

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, What brought me here is that I believe I am a pedophile, I am shocked and anxious about it and disgusted by myself. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD (relationships OCD) 3 years ago and for the past 1,5 years I’ve been struggling with thoughts/fantasies about my gender and possible homosexuality. 6 months ago the worst was added to the roaster – I started to think that I am a pedophile when I felt something that I believe is attraction to a 12 year old girl. It got me panicking and later on I think that my feelings were exaggerated due to anxiety and there was nothing sexual there. But for the past months I’ve been struggling: I do definitely find teenager girls attractive (16 and up mostly) and as far as my research goes there is nothing biologically wrong with it (it’s a grey area in terms of social and legal issues though), plus research shows that many men respond with arousal to teenagers, they just don’t pay as much attention to it as I do due to fears of being a pedophile.

Yet, past 2 days were the worst. I see girls age of 11-13 around me, find them beautiful and at some point, sexual fantasies pop up in my mind. Sure, they might be intrusions, but why the hell then do I find them stimulating? It’s like I enjoy these fantasies and is horrified by them since it’s wrong and unnatural. Plus, majority of articles suggest that pedophilia develops during puberty (and I never had issues with this until I was 21) and one cannot develop pedophilia later in life. Yet, it’s like I am currently going through a pedophile phase – I do find some little girls (I can’t even believe that I write it, it makes me feel horrible) attractive and I experience sexual fantasies with them. In short, I am sexually attracted to them. I understand how wrong it is, but I’m pretty sure it’s there and I’m horrified. Of course, there are symptoms of OCD as well – extreme anxiety, obsessive thinking, avoidance of girls. Still, I am convinced that what I feel is real. So, how the hell that could happen to me? How the hell could my sexuality change so drastically?

Because you have significant symptoms of OCD, they cannot be ruled out as the cause. By your own admission, you have “extreme” anxiety, obsessive thinking and engage in avoidance behaviors. Those are the main symptoms of OCD. Until your symptoms dissipate, OCD seems like the most logical explanation.

Let’s also consider the statement “I understand how wrong it is but I’m pretty sure it’s there and I’m horrified,” the operative phrase being “pretty sure.” Pretty sure indicates that you are not certain. Thus, you are not certain that these are your thoughts. That would make them unwanted and intrusive, definite symptoms of OCD.

In addition, you asked “how the hell could my sexuality change so drastically?” The answer is that it can’t and doesn’t. You also find the thoughts horrifying. All more evidence of OCD.

There is a type of OCD called pedophile OCD (POCD). It’s not an official diagnosis but it’s a trend that researchers have noticed. It involves people with OCD who are primarily obsessed with the idea that they are pedophiles. People with pedophile OCD are not pedophiles. You can read more about it on this website.

It is also important to consider the nature of anxiety disorders. They induce fear and panic about things that should not cause fear and panic. They lead one to consider possibilities that should not be considered. They can cause you think certain things are true that are not true.

You were diagnosed with OCD but said nothing about treatment. If you are not in treatment, then it is best to start right away. Anxiety disorders are highly responsive to both psychotherapy and medication. Psychotherapy will help you to focus on what is real and true. Click the “Find Help” tab, at this top of this page, to find a local specialist in anxiety.

Finally, it is impossible to make definitive diagnoses over the internet but based on the information you have provided, the evidence would suggest that OCD is at the heart of this problem. Contacting a mental health professional, who specializes in anxiety disorders, will help you to quickly resolve this problem. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Keep Thinking About My Family Dying

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Bangalore India: This all started when my grandpa passed away last year. I saw my grandpa die as they bought him home from the hospital. He came home and slept immediately, and he didn’t wake up again. My uncle performed CPR, and I tried calling the ambulance. The call didn’t go through and to this day I feel I am responsible for his death. In reality, if the call had even gone through, it would have made no difference. But I can’t get over the fact that there was nothing I could do.
From that day, I can’t stop thinking about all my family dying in a horrible way. Everyday, when I walk home from school, I think about the ways they could die and what I would do without them.

I love them a lot but I know someday, everybody must go. But the fact that it keeps me awake at the night and enduces nightmares, I can’t seem to continue my life normally anymore. I also sometimes breakdown crying at the night.

I just want it to stop. Please.

Your grandfather died in a way that was peaceful for him but traumatic for you. I’m sure everyone has reassured you that in no way is it your fault that the call didn’t go through. You and your uncle tried your best but, as you say, it would not have made a difference if the medics had gotten there more quickly.

You are going through what is known in philosophy as an existential crisis. This is an absolutely normal response to a difficult death. Your grandfather’s passing made the finality of death real for you. Up until then, it was an abstraction. Yes, philosophically, we all know that everyone dies. But it is the first meaningful death we experience that makes that idea starkly real. That event makes many people question the meaning of life and the meaning of their own existence. It falls on us, then, to come to grips with the transient nature of life and to figure out how we want to live and love. These are the big, important questions. The fact that you are struggling with them tells me you are a sensitive and thoughtful person.

Modern life doesn’t give most of us the time we need to grieve and think and think some more — even though it would be helpful to do just that. If you can’t take time out from your responsibilities, what you can do is compartmentalize your feelings so you can function.

Here’s what compartmentalization means: Decide on an hour or so a day when you will give yourself permission to grieve your grandfather and to think about those big questions. Whenever feelings and thoughts come up for you at other times, remind yourself that you will deal with them during the special allotted time. Then make sure you do it. Your thoughts are less likely to intrude on your day (or your nights) if you give yourself a specified and regular time to store your memories and to think hard about the meaning of your experience.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Do I Have Something Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Hi. I’m 12. I’m not trying to be offensive, stupid, ignorant, and I’m not self-diagnosing myself, either. First of all, I think I have Aspergers. I’m trying to get diagnosed, although it doesn’t bother me too much. I’m not sure if this is an obsession caused by Aspergers or if it’s something different. I feel like this obsession has lasted alot longer than my other recent obsessions, which usually last only a couple days or months.

My obsession is with abnormal Psychology and mental illness. I think I’ve had it since September or October of 2017, and now it’s February 2018. I love thinking, talking, and researching mental illness. Sometimes I want to change the subject of whatever somebody’s talking about and talk about mental illness. I constantly ramble on and on about it to my parents, although I think they don’t care. Now, that’s probably just typical Aspie stuff, but alot of times when I daydream (usually at school or when I’m trying to sleep) it’s almost always about having a mental disorder, usually a psychotic disorder. Also, it’s been killing me to get diagnosed with Aspergers.

I hate to admit it, but I feel like I actually want to be mentally ill. Sometimes I even like to think I have a mental illness people just haven’t discovered yet. This is kinda hard to explain, but rarely, I might even fake a couple symptoms of a mental illness, not for attention or sympathy or anything from other people, but to convince myself into thinking I’m mentally ill. It’s kinda an urge, really, and I feel like I must do it, even if I don’t want to.

I don’t even know why I have a strong desire to be insane. Maybe it’s because my life is boring, or to understand what it’s like, but I’m really not sure. A couple times I’ve even looked up the causes of some Mental illnesses and see if I could give it to myself, like substance-induced psychosis, or concussions, however I don’t think I’d actually do anything of this, I just want to see if I can.

I analyze myself alot, and try to find symptoms of a mental illness. I also wonder what it’s like in a mental hospital. I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac, they actually worry, and it’s usually something physical. I don’t think I have a Factitious Disorder, I don’t want attention or sympathy from others. Lastly, Should I be concerned about this?

I can’t diagnose you either, not on the basis of a letter. But I’m glad you wrote. It does sound like you’ve gotten caught up in obsessive thinking. You are even thinking about your thinking. I don’t know why you landed on mental illness as the topic. It could just as easily be something else. It does sound like one dimension is that you want to be special in some way. I don’t know why you didn’t pick another way to be special than mental illness. If I were seeing you for therapy, that’s one thing we’d talk about.

Rather than seek out a therapist to diagnose you with Aspergers, why not look for a more general evaluation. Go into the evaluation with an open mind. Yes, you could have Aspergers. But you could also have an anxiety disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder, as only a couple of examples. Once a diagnosis is made, the counselor will make recommendations to you and your parents about how best to help you. Treatment, regardless of the label, does work for most of the people most of the time.

Thank you for writing. It’s a really good idea to deal with this kind of situation while you are only 12, instead of letting it get more entrenched.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Thought

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am currently in a stressful time in my life. I have cystic fibrosis and am on the lung transplant list — been listed since April. I have had ups and downs of stress my entire life dealing with the disease, but this of course, is a new phase. A few weeks ago I started thinking, “What if I could never stop thinking about one thought?” It was one of those silly circular thoughts that I feel like most people have throughout their life at one time or another … and as soon as they are distracted they of course forget and go on with their life. I was on the couch watching TV when I thought of it, and my boyfriend was asleep, so no one to talk to. It’s like my brain latched on, and I started panicking, that I was going to be focusing on this one thought — which isn’t even a thought! It is just worrying about the exact thing that i am doing — and felt I couldn’t stop.

I started wondering if I was going crazy, and just feeling really upset that I was kind of driving myself into some kind of mental illness. I read things online about OCD, and just felt more panicked because the last thing I want or need is another problem that I have to “spend a lot of time and effort” to work on.

In the past three weeks I’ve shared this issue with my mom, boyfriend, and one friend. All were sympathetic and advised me to relax. When I do relax, and mostly when I am distracted by contact with other people, or when I go out somewhere, I can tend to forget about it for a while. But it always returns. It has made solitary times of reflection that I used to enjoy difficult, like listening to music, or driving, because I instead tend to just think about it and my brain goes in circles, trying to think about other things, and then just returning to “but what if I can’t stop thinking about this.” The thing that is hard to relate is that “THIS” isn’t anything, except I guess just a panic that I am going in circles and going crazy, around nothing.

I know this is an exceptionally hard time — I am very sick and my activity is so limited. My mom had to move in with me to help out, it is just so depressing and monotonous. I want to talk to someone sometimes, but I also feel worried about being “diagnosed” with some kind of problem, and also the thought of sitting in some room just talking about my depressing situation right now saps me of energy.

I am very proactive in my cystic fibrosis care. I know every detail of the illness and of my specific problems — and I do tend to be anxious around that. I am not someone, say, who just sits back and does whatever the doctors say without asking why. I am very involved and considered one of their best patients, and I enjoy being so knowledgable and in control of my own care. This is very difficult for me right now because I feel like I can’t think my way out of this problem — this circular thought — since thinking is the problem itself. I have an ativan prescription for anxiety but I don’t like how it makes me feel — depressed and irritable. And I want to stay away from drugs.

I guess what do I want to hear? That this is normal. That this is a time of high stress, and that this thought will go away, when I am more active and back in REAL life, healthy. But instead I sit here and picture myself, post-transplant, still unable to escape this thought, for the rest of my life, like some weird backwards fairy-tale. I think this might be some kind of OCD thing. I have some slight compulsions, like the way everything needs to be before I go to sleep, but nothing really new and nothing has ever gotten out of control. thanks so much.

The problem with trying to think about not thinking about something is that, by definition, you are thinking about it. If I told you you should never, ever think about a purple elephant, chances are it would be very difficult to get the image out of your mind.

My best guess about your current situation is that you are more anxious about being on the transplant list than you realize. You have made every effort to be knowledgable about your disease and what it takes to manage it. Transplants offer hope for extending your life but the surgery is scary and the outcome isn’t guaranteed.

If you weren’t anxious about it, I’d be more worried about you. The anxiety is absolutely normal. You stumbled on a way to push your anxiety about your health aside by substituting worry about your thoughts.

If you were seeing me, I’d want to explore a gentle way for you to express what being on the list means to you. Waiting is hard on people. Often people don’t really know if they want their number to come up or not. There are risks in having the surgery. And it’s life threatening not to have it. Yes, you know all about your disease, I know. What I don’t know is if you’ve let yourself feel and process your current situation. At 31, you’ve already outlived many people who have the disease. So far good treatment and your efforts have certainly paid off. I have every reason to believe that the transplant will be successful, too.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Am Concerned I Am Developing Schizophrenia

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am concerned I am developing schizophrenia. Recent events in my life have led me to believe that I may be developing this disease for several reasons. I really began to worry about a month ago. There was a period of my life when I went through heavy substance abuse and just as I was getting sober I began to notice what I think are early signs of schizophrenia. I am more spacy and absent minded, even now that I am sober. It seems that my brain is not processing information as it used to. I do not have hallucinations or delusions but I do occasionally see things that seem a strange play off of reality, for example I look into the sky and the clouds seem to be moving quickly away from me, or I see a coat rack out of the corner of my eye and think its someone standing there for a second. This also occurs with my hearing, sometimes I will very slightly mishear someone saying something or some noise and it sounds like a comment directed towards me. In the past I have had terrifying thoughts, seemingly from no origin whatsoever but I overcame them quickly and am not really bothered by them anymore, however that is what first planted the idea in my mind that i have schizophrenia. And that idea came with an incredible amount of anxiety and fear. It can keep me up some nights, and often times i find myself feeling tense and anxious for no reason at all, even when i try and get my mind of the idea that i may have schizophrenia. I am not sure if it is due to this anxious mindset but I have also found it difficult to find pleasure in things I used to greatly enjoy. It seems as though my reality and the emotions it used to evoke in me are watered down. Any help or feedback will be greatly appreciated, thank you.

I receive many similar questions from people who are concerned about their developing schizophrenia. In most cases, their fears are driven by anxiety rather than actual symptoms of schizophrenia. People with specific types of anxiety disorders, particularly a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder, tend to be fearful about developing schizophrenia. The symptoms you describe seem to be more indicative of an anxiety disorder rather than schizophrenia. An evaluation with a mental health professional could determine a diagnosis.

Feeling that your brain is not processing information as it used to might be the result of your heavy substance abuse. That’s not an uncommon complaint among people who have abused substances. People will often say that they do not feel as clearheaded as they once did. Drugs and alcohol can negatively impact brain function. The passage of time can reverse this.

My recommendation is to consult both a medical and mental health professional about your concerns. You might also want to ask about medication which could help to decrease your anxiety and stabilize your mood. Remember, anxiety alone can cause all of the symptoms that you have mentioned. Medication might also help you to think more clearly.

Finally, congratulations on ending your substance abuse. Your continued refrain from using substances will help to protect your mental health. Keep up the great work. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Recurrent Thoughts, Conflicts and Impulses

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I am a 22 year old Medical Student. The problem I have is recurrent, frustrating thoughts and conflicts and checking and rechecking things. For example, while studying I feel an impulse to check under the bed for any pages I may have dropped. And even after checking, I would feel the impulse again and am not able to overcome it and have to look under the bed again. Similarly while walking I may return and come back a few paces to see if something I saw on the ground is mine not. Also, recently I also started obsessing over things I have done like for example the other day someone said a swearword to me on the net and I kept thinking why I didn’t say anything to him. Then the next day I told him to not curse me again and he said ok but still I keep thinking about it, keep reading the messages again and again for no reason at all, just to see whether I really forbade him from swearing at me or not. Another example of my problem is that when I am studying I may look at a word again and again to see if it is really what my eyes see it to be. I literally stare at each curve or every letter and each period/full stop. I may also stare at a photo on the net again and again to see if the face of the person matches the face of anyone I know, especially to see if it matches the face of a family member of mine. It is very frustrating. Please give me some advice regarding this. Especially since my exams are coming next month and I just want this daily frustration to stop. It’s as if my brain searches for new and new things to frustrate over. I thank you in anticipation of your response.

A: I’m sorry you are having these difficulties. I cannot provide an accurate diagnosis without completing a face to face assessment, but the issues you are describing sound similar to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Medical school can be a very demanding and stressful time and it could possible that it is bringing up some underlying issues. There is a chance that you are having an unusual presentation of a stress reaction, especially given the possibility of sleep deprivation. However, it is also possible that you are beginning to display symptoms of a psychological disorder. Either way, it would be a good idea to be evaluated. 

Most universities have student counseling centers so it should be fairly easy to be seen. They may recommend medication or therapy or a combination of both. I hope that you are able to be seen before your next round of exams, but if not, you can do some basic research on your own or get a reputable self-help book to help you in the interim. Good luck with school!

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Teen Feels “Different”

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 14 years old, I am female, and I have known I was different ever since I was about seven years old. When I was seven, these “voices” started talking in my head. I didn’t know any different, but what they were saying scared me. When I used to watch television and people would come on the show, the voice in my head would constantly say “I hope they die” or horrific things like, “I hope they get cancer”. I used to talk back saying “No. No I don’t. Go away, leave me alone”, and it upset me. I spent a whole year being scared and feeling terrible when the voices started talking about my mother. They still come back sometimes, and I always have to reply saying “No, i don’t” or “No, go away”. I used to have compulsions, such as tapping things that I already touched once a certain number of times (usually even numbers, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32 etc), and before i was ‘allowed’ to sleep, I had to recite the alphabet (in my head) about 16+ times every night, as well as opening doors over and over again and lights. There are more compulsions but there are too many to list. These went on and off for about four years.

When I was eleven years old, I had a very bizarre and strong fear of not being able to sleep. Around new years time I could not sleep at all, and I started getting paranoid that i would never sleep again. So the compulsions came back stronger and I HAD to go to bed at the same time every night; 8:00 PM. This overtook my life, and i would be in constant fear of not being able to fall asleep. Again, these died down after about a year.

This year, (now 14 years old) the obsessions have worsened A LOT. I have been in constant worry about things that won’t happen, i have had false memories, i’ve had to constantly confess to my mother (stupid little things), I’ve had horrifying thoughts and images in my head, i am paranoid, and a lot more. I also went through a period of thinking I was a monster, the scum of the Earth (even though I would never EVER do anything like the thoughts), I was afraid I liked the images and thoughts (but I don’t, they were horrible and disturbing). I still have daily compulsions, and I have periods of being afraid of getting diseases. I also have hoarding issues (i keep everything, because i worry that i will regret getting rid of them) and I have a special order for some possessions. I’m scared writing this will trigger it all again.

I have also always felt like I was different. I have a huge imagination, and am generally curious. I create worlds in my mind, with characters, some with strange names like “No” and “9”. I sometimes get confused as to whether I am in fantasy or reality (I prefer fantasy), and I believe in magic and the paranormal a lot. Anyway, there is this wolf that follows me around and “protects” me called Fate. He controls the future and what will happen if I do certain things. He is the good friend. “No” is the bad friend. He puts the bad thoughts and images into my mind and I can sense his presence (I feel uneasy, often like I am being touched by some unseen force. I talk to them a lot, usually telling “No” to leave me alone. I don’t physically see them, but I can imagine them and sense that they are here. I believe in a lot of magical beliefs (that no one else does) including psychics, aliens, ESP, ghosts and future reading (which has happened to me before). I have some sort of paranoid personality. I am constantly scared about hidden cameras behind mirrors, people watching me or looking for me, the government listening in on me, things in outer space watching or listening to me. I was convinced there were hidden cameras in the toilets at school, and I therefore would NEVER go. I always thought people were talking and laughing about me, and people always seem to be looking at me. I don’t like mirrors because I am scared people are behind them, watching me, or they are portals into another dimension or my reflection will move when I don’t etc.

Last year, I had an extreme anxiety that people were plotting to kill or attack me, and I thought they would. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I was always afraid. Some of these obsessions have interfered with school, and I have tried to tell my mother, but she said I will “grow out of it” or “seeing a psychiatrist will not help you get a job”. Please help me.

I can get very irritable sometimes. I have a low self esteem and do not really care for personal hygeine like I should. I am very shy and I talk to myself a lot. I frequently I “zone out” and forget where i am for a minute (often like you are when you first wake up). I can block out people talking and all noise when this happens and I don’t blink during this. My speak patterns are weird too; sometimes I can be very talkative and have a lot to say (not in front of strangers though), sometimes I stutter or completely miss words out of sentences and sometimes I completely forget what I was going to say. There are times when I am shy, withdrawn and “empty” and I won’t say much if anything at all.

Also, sometimes I feel extremely angry, and my moods change, one minute I am very sad, and the next minute I am happy. I don’t know if it is because I am a teenager or something else. I am also scared of attacking people, sometimes I get a sudden urge to and it scares me. (I don’t mean seriously attack them, I mean hit loved ones etc). I frequently get headaches too.

Earlier this year my obsessions were weight-related. I HAD to burn off thousands of calories each day. This became a serious compulsion and interfered with my school. I lost a lot of weight too. I also started self-harming. A voice in my head kept telling me “nobody likes you”, or “you are ugly and deserve this”. It made me feel better. It was like a release. I have stopped now though. I still have compulsions which are a part of my life now.

Is this OCD? Paranoia? Schizophrenia? Schizotypal? I’m so confused, I just want to understand myself.

I know there were more things I wanted to talk about, but I have forgotten. Please help me. Thank you very much, take care. 🙂

This is an incredibly well-written and articulate letter for someone who is only 14. I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help. As detailed as your letter is, I have too many unanswered questions. There are a number of both medical and psychological illnesses that share some or all of the same symptoms. I therefore can’t tell you what’s wrong. I can only tell you what you already know: What you are reporting is not typical or considered “normal.” The thoughts and compulsions take up a lot of time and interfere with your ability to function in regular life. I imagine it’s hard to make and keep friends, to do your school work or even to develop your interests.

You didn’t mention whether you have shared any of this with your parents or your doctor. You need to. No one should have to go through days of fending off threatening voices. No one should be such a prisoner to her own compulsions that she can’t do life.

Fortunately, there is medicine and therapy that can tone all this down. But in order to get treatment, you have to be willing to see a mental health provider and to be as honest in the initial interview as you have been in your letter. In fact, a good way to start is to simply share your letter with the counselor. You did a fabulous job summarizing the issues.

Writing this letter was an important first step in getting the help you need and deserve. I hope you’ll follow up and make the next step. Ask your parents to help you find a counselor who specializes in teen issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Could I have Asperger’s syndrome

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Scotland: Could I have Asperger’s syndrome?
Here’s a list of my issues:
Limited eye contact especially with new people
Very little social interaction with people
Sensitivity to loud noise, bright lights and tags on my clothing
Bad short term memory but great long term memory
Inability to understand sarcasm
Not great at telling how people are feeling
Emotionally detached
Inability to express myself unless someone gives me a pen and paper
I have obsessions which I love and I can tell you a bunch of seemingly useless facts about a lot of things
I do movements that calm me down such as tapping fingers together, doing something with my hands which I can’t really explain and rocking ( I only do the last alone).
I get overwhelmed realy easily over silly things
Inability to follow indirect instructions
Finding it hard to be in crowds
I don’t repeat what people say but I do trace it and it is compulsive
I’m often told I’m in my own world
I am very honest and can be hurtful when I don’t mean it.
I refuse to say certain words because they feel awful
I find hard work easier than easy work
I don’t care about fashion
I do not have a timed schedule but I do have a pattern of how I do things

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of only a letter, of course. But many of the behaviors on your list are consistent with what people with high functioning Austism or Asperger’s report. You do need to see a mental health professional to get a more certain answer.

If you were seeing me, I’d want to know what it means to you if you do have such a diagnosis. For some people, it is an enormous relief to understand that there is a reason for what they do and feel. Other people find it very difficult to accept their difference. And, of course, there’s everything in-between.

What I most want you to know is that we all are given strengths and challenges. It’s not what we’re given that matters so much as what we decide to do with it. Many people with Aspergers will tell you that there are talents and strengths that come with the condition that they wouldn’t trade in for more normalcy. They’ve found ways to make it work for them. Einstein, Mozart and Tessler are said to have been on the autism spectrum, for example.

You might be interested in books by Temple Grandin, a very gifted woman who is on the autism spectrum and who has been explaining it to the rest of us for many years now. In 2010, there was even a TV movie made about her life.

I hope you will seek out an evaluation to get the answer to your question if it will give you peace of mind. But more important, I hope you will love yourself as you are.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I a Pedophile?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 20 years old and scared that I’m a pedophile. It started a few weeks ago. I was watching a movie when I saw a little girl on screen and felt a shift in my penis. I don’t know if it was an erection or what but, it terrified me.

Since then, I have been testing myself incessantly. I have been looking at little girls on the street, as well as in pictures on google and tried to picture myself in sexual situations with them to see if I got an erection. I never did. In fact, I would dry heave and cringe at the thought. This provided me with some brief relief but, it never lasted. I would start asking myself what the shift in my pants at the theater was and after that I was back testing myself again just to see if I was or wasn’t a pedophile. I also started feeling this weird anxiety around kids and became hyper aware of my genitals. In addition to that, I would start googling things like “Am I a pedophile” or “psychology of a pedophile” to disqualify myself and I didn’t feel any better.

It came to a head a week after it started. I was going to school, when I moved passed a little girl and her mother and as I did I said “sorry.” Right when I said that, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and a fear of turning around. I don’t know what it was and I’ve been obsessively trying to decipher it ever since. The testing also got worse. I started asking myself things like “What if I don’t want to have sex with them but, want to date them?”, or “what if she had a similar intellect to me, would she be more attractive then?” in an effort to definitively disqualify myself as if that would yield anything but, more of the same and it didn’t. I would dry heave and cringe yes but, that feeling of doubt never went away for long.

I just want to know what’s wrong with me if anything.

You are quite literally making yourself crazy. If I told you that under no certain terms you are NOT to think about white alligators, it would be almost impossible for you to clear your mind of white alligators. As a matter of fact, you might become obsessed with keeping white alligators out of your mind, which would mean that you were thinking about them constantly.

I can’t, of course, absolutely rule out sexual deviance on the basis of a letter. But I have a strong suspicion that your worry about pedophilia is like a worry about white alligators.

At this point, you have upset yourself so much, you probably need some help to get out of the cycle of disturbing ideas.

I suggest you take a copy of your letter and this response to a licensed therapist and have a frank discussion about your anxiety and how to manage it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

I’m Afraid of Being Influenced by Others’ Opinions

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Indonesia: I am sorry if my English is not that good. I’ve been diagnosed with pure Os for 10 years or so, and I’ve been drinking SSRIs for 2 years, which helped me a lot. Now my obsessions are lowered and there is only one kind of fear that buggers me a lot. I am afraid of being influenced by someone’s opinion, when that person doesn’t like the things that I like. I am afraid that by understanding her/his perspective, I’ll stop enjoying the things that I do enjoy. It works on some emotional level even when I understand how unreasonable is that fear of mine.

Also I am afraid of losing some of my abilities I value the most. For an example, there was a guy who told me that he is bad with remembering names of people and things. I am aware that it is a common thing and I know that there are environmental and natural causes that make many people bad with remembering things. Yet, I have become obsessed that I will get his perspective and I will stop remembering names. Even, I somehow get the feeling that it is wrong for me to remember names and I should stop doing it. I know my reasoning is flawed, yet I believe it on an emotional level.

Is there a way, to stop worrying about those things? Have you had similar cases and how did you manage to help them?

Thank you for writing. Let me see if I can help: Researchers have not yet discovered why some people develop obsessions. It likely has something to do with your neurology. But whatever the cause, it can be debilitating. It can interfere with a person’s social and occupational life. Like you, people with obsessions know the obsessions are irrational and want them to go away. But wanting them to go away is rarely enough.

Medication is often helpful. You said that SSRIs have reduced the number and intensity of your obsessions. For that reason, I do suggest that you return to your prescriber to talk about whether a change in dosage or a change in the type of SSRI would be helpful. It might also be advisable to augment the SSRI with another medication. Sometimes medication that has been working for a while becomes less effective. When that happens, a prescriber might consider another type of medication.

You didn’t mention therapy. I encourage you to consider adding therapy to your treatment. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often effective in further reducing the unwanted and intrusive thoughts. The goal of CBT is to help a person change the way they think, feel, and behave.

It is unlikely that you will completely stop worrying about things. OCD is a chronic condition. But you can become more in charge of your thoughts and less stressed by them. I’ve had success with a number of clients who came to me after years of suffering. A combination of good medication monitoring and regular therapy helped them a great deal.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Think I Have OCD But I Am Not Entirely Sure

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I hope I’m just a perfectionist, but sometimes I feel like my behavior is too bizarre. I like order, routine, and organization, but I am not sure if I’m going too far with this. If fail anything I gave effort to I will not except it. I will beat myself up over it until I get it. One very unhealthy example of this would be my eating behavior. I want the perfect body and I don’t care how much mental exhaustion I have to deal with to get it. I fast for days and I refuse to eat foods that I deem as “bad”. If I do end up breaking this, which happens during breaks or family reunion dinners, I make up by extreme dieting next few days. Another example would be in school. I will study until I can no longer see words clearly on the paper or the screen, which some people might think is a good habit, so I am not exactly sure about this particular case. Another thing my friend thought was weird about a specific habit I have is washing my hands for exactly 30 seconds. I read about it somewhere that it takes 30 seconds for germs to actually come off, so again I’m not sure if not is actually abnormal. I just feel like people tell me my behavior is abnormal but I just think they’re exaggerating, because most people want to meet the average expectations. But I also do understand that many people close to me point out my obsessions in a negative way so I am just wondering if I am the one not seeing clearly or is everyone else in my life average achievers (sorry I don’t know any other term to use).
One other mental process I want to point out about myself is that I see behavior in black and white terms. What I mean by this is that you’re either “perfect” or a “failure”. Clean or dirty. I don’t see topics such as politics in black and white, but behavior and characteristics that describe humans.

One way to describe your thinking and behavior may be mental rigidity. In other words, you are inflexible in your thinking and behavior. You force yourself to think and behave in a particular way based on artificial, self-imposed standards. That type of “all or nothing” thinking and inflexibility, breeds feelings of negativity and disappointment.

For instance, you wrote that you will do something until you are mentally exhausted. That seems unnecessary and extreme. Working until mental exhaustion seems like an inefficient way to do things. Take studying for instance. There are good ways to study and there are “not so” good ways to study. Though it may seem counterintuitive, cramming for a test is a poor way to prepare because it sacrifices the sleep your brain needs to perform adequately. Thus, it would be unwise to cram until mental exhaustion.

I can never offer a diagnosis over the internet, thus it would be wise to consult a local therapist about the possibility of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). An in-person evaluation would be best to determine if a disorder is present. No matter your diagnosis, counseling could assist in refining your thinking and behavior. Ideally, it’s best to be flexible in your thinking and behavior. You want to be smart and efficient with your time and energy. You don’t want to over- or under-do things. It’s admirable to have life goals but it could be that your self-imposed rules are causing unnecessary stress in your life. Should that be true, counseling is the ideal remedy. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Feel like My Mom Is Crazy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Ireland: Hi im 15 years old and i feel depressed lately, my mother has always been the best, she has always been a spiritual person and has been into angels and things like that,

Since getting her ipad about 2 years ago she has been watching videos about it and reading about it and now she is going to canada to live with people she talkes to on skype (complete strangers) for three months and is leaving me with my father who lives about an hour away, where i have no friends. But it’s not about me, she pays no attention to me anymore, just sits in her room most of the day and goes on skype, she spends money on usesless products she thinks help her and i feel as if its driving her insane

My father tells me its the best thing to live with him because he thinks shes crazy sometimes i lay in my bed and cry for ages and it makes me very very very extremly angry to the point where im punching and kicking walls and screaming at her and i can hear her just listening to the videos and to be honest its driving me insane.

I used to be very close with my mom and the last two years it’s like she is just someone who makes me food and lives with me.

I used to really like my dad, but we dont even talk to each other in the car at the house or anywhere. I feel as if my life is ending and i dont know where i will be in the next two months like that is scary to me. My only escape is my friends and i just need some help. Thank you so much if you read this.

I fully understand why you are upset. You’ve been abandoned by your mother. She has fallen under the spell of questionable people. Since she hasn’t done anything illegal and she is providing you with the basics, the authorities are not going to intervene. Hopefully, she will come to her senses at some point.

I’m sure it is frustrating, angry-making and sad to feel your mother pull away like this. You are grieving a mom who is still alive and well but who has “left.” I’m glad you understand it’s not that she is against you. Whatever is compelling her is greater than even her love for you — which tells us how strong that compulsion must be.

If your mother has living relatives that you are close to, I hope you are telling them what you told me. There is no reason to keep it a secret. In fact, a secret would help her keep this thing going. Relatives might be able to get her attention and just might be able to convince her to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

Meanwhile, I think your dad is probably right. You do need to live with him for now. You haven’t lived with him for a while so it is going to be awkward at first. It’s tough to get reacquainted just when you are at an age when kids start separating from parents. In your case, it’s important you make every effort to get to know him. Do remember that it’s tough for him, too. Take the lead. Ask him about his life. Do some projects or invite him to go to a movie or sports event with you. If you are open to the relationship, chances are the two of you will get comfortable with each other again.

Your dad only lives an hour away from your mom’s house so hopefully he’ll help you out by driving you to see your current friends every now and then and that he’ll be willing to let your friends come and spend the night on some weekends.

Since you do have friends, I know you will make new ones at your new school as well. I hope you can think of this situation as the opportunity to expand your social circle instead of just a loss of your old life. With some effort, you really can have both the old and the new relationships.

It’s unfair that you have to compete with “angels” and strangers for your mother’s attention and that maybe you will have to move. But your letter tells me you are a sensitive and intelligent young man. You can do it!

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What This Is? OCD?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I dont talk about this, or even told anybody about my “problem”.

Here goes. When i feel good about myself, confident or even happy, i tend to think about things that will change the way i feel…. will it take my confidence away, will it change my mood, will it change the outcome of my daily life.

for an example: i feel great, walking in the shop. There is a pillar/beam in the isle. do i walk around the pillar, and exit the shop, does that have an effect on my life? or if i walk with my wife, and she walks around a pole and i dont walk around the same pole, will it change our relationship?

im constantly struggling with things crossing my path. Do i walk around this or that, thinking that it will have an effect on my life.

i somehow feel better when i go back to that pillar, or pole, reversing my way back the way i went around it….. then i feel that i am feeling “back” in tune with life again. it does have an effect on the way i feel…. returning to that pillar and walk back the way (not reversing) i initially went… i feel like i am back the way i were (feeling great)

Its very hard to explain, and i know it sounds confusing.

it happens not just with “things” but also stuff i think about… or say…. if i accidentally think about something i dont want to, it will have an effect on me…. changing my life.

When i was younger, i had a friend picking me up for a night out in town. he would phone me, and then picking me up. it was great!

it often happened that if i set my ringtone to a specific ringtone, he would call me more often that when i selected a different tone. THATS where it all started. relying on things for things to happen or not happen. if i choose a different ringtone, he would not call me for a long time for no reason at all. we were great friends, so i relied on things that wiill have a positive effect on my life. if i feel that something i got is not working for the “balance” i get rid of it.

You may be describing obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). People with OCD struggle with making decisions. At its core, OCD is about anxiety, caused by fear. People with OCD engage in rituals in response to fear. These rituals, in the short-term, make people feel less fear, but in the long-term it only makes things worse. Untreated OCD symptoms beget more symptoms. Without treatment, it can be a vicious cycle.

My recommendation is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. If a disorder is present, treatment will be recommended. Most anxiety disorders are successfully treated with psychotherapy and or medication.

Anxiety symptoms suggest that something is wrong, that the way you think about the world could be wrong. This can be corrected with therapy. You and your therapist will analyze your thinking, determine its correctness and modify it to be in line with reality. That’s the essence of cognitive behavioral therapy, which in studies has been shown to be effective for anxiety disorders. I hope that you will consider therapy. It could improve the quality of your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I Compensate for My Past Failures?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Bangladesh: I am 34, married, have a daughter who is eight years old. I love her a lot. I probably have very low self esteem and also obsessions/compulsions. In the sanityscore.com I scored 75 in self-esteem and 56 in obsessions/compulsions. Although, I am sure I didn’t answer a lot of questions correctly.

I graduated in 2006. But for the past 10 years I was employed for only 22 months in 2 different jobs. The second job was worse than the first one and barely covered my expenses. I am currently unemployed and pursuing a Master of Science degree in IT. I have been living off of my father’s house rent for most of my adult life.

I have been abused by my parents since the age of 4. Both my parents used to beat me a lot but my father used to emotionally abuse me more. My mother expressed her love and appreciation for me sometimes but my dad never did so (except for 3 occasions) because ‘that would spoil me’. Constant criticism, name-calling, belittling, ridiculing, verbal threats was a daily routine in the name of education up until 2012. I was thrown out of home twice before the age of 12. When I was 20, I escaped from home for fear of my dad after failing in 2 courses but returned home after 3 days. I was and am very fearful of my dad. I can never speak to him normally and mostly keep silent whenever he is around, I feel like walking on egg-shells. In 2012, at the age of 30, I first came to learn what emotional abuse is. At one occasion in that year, I confronted him and yelled at him for the first and last time. The abuses lessened ever since. But I am still afraid of him and want to move away but I need a decent job first.

I procrastinate a lot. I have no friends since the age of eight. I am afraid of facing job interviews (despite having well qualifications) and making friends for the fear of being judged negatively. I know I need therapy.

I am not legally/financially indebted to anyone. But I feel I should compensate for my past unemployment by earning more in the future. Some people I know are trying to do so to compensate for their ‘forgiven debt’. Should I do it? Everyone in society seems to believe that consuming more than you have earned in life is disgraceful and nobody deserves to live on the food that he hasn’t paid for. But I don’t want to do so. I want to be happy but want to ‘deserve’ it too. But I don’t want to go abroad to earn more. I just want to live away from my parents with my family, learn more of what I love, connect with people, raise my kid and have a good life. I don’t want to pursue more money or burden myself with more responsibilities or pains than that is required to have a healthy self-esteem. What steps should I take?

 Thank you for your question. I appreciate the courage it takes to write about the emotional abuse, and understand your desire to compensate. However, unless there was a specific agreement made between you and your father for compensation, I would not invest your time, energy and future in repaying something that your father needed to give. Let the “forgiven debt” be just that. It may be one of the ways your father is trying to atone for his poor parenting. Let this be.

Your university should have a counseling program on campus and it’s likely to be well equipped in helping you with social and professional skills. Make an appointment with one of the counselors. They will help you to envision a future of learning more of what your love, connecting with others, raising your child, and having a good life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Can I Have Both OCD and Bipolar?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Egypt: I was diagnosed with OCD by my doctor and I am sure I have OCD but I have some other symptoms that my doctor said that I have also bipolar disorder and he told me in advanced level of master studies OCD is related to bipolar disorder but I am doubtful so I will tell you these additional symptoms and tell me please if that bipolar or not

1. excessive fantasizing or maladaptive daydreaming

2. I make sad stories about me in my mind that made me cry but the most important part in these stories is that all the world must know what is happening to me ,you know like the world see a movie about my life or the world see what is happening to me on T.V (of course the imagined life story)

3. sometime I imagine myself with a personality with certain traits and other time I imagine myself a person with personality with the contrary traits (ex. I imagine myself as a romantic person with women and other time I imagine myself as aggressive person with women) and sometimes I feel I need the both traits and sometimes not all my fantasies about one concept which is (the need for attention)…I always imagine myself as a hero or as a victim, I have to be the core of focus of others attention in my day dreams

4. something may happen in real world that make me imagine talking to a certain person for a certain purpose in my mind but suddenly I found myself talking to myself in real world (ex.I got angry from someone so I go away from him but I imagine blaming him for the bad thing he did…but suddenly I found myself say the blaming speech to myself in the real world not only in imagination )and sometime I do moves with my talking in real world (ex.I do angry hand moves when I blaming the person in my mind

5. all my daydreams and fantasies focus on fighting, violence, girls, hero, sacrifice, bravery
I feel I attracted to lots of girls to the point I found myself I am not inbalance and I cannot determine who I will marry in the future

7.I feel I am low in confidence and I have several fears like I fear to drive my car

I’m sorry, I can’t answer your question about diagnosis without talking to you in person. But I can tell you that it probably isn’t helpful to be spending time on labeling yourself. Instead, I hope you will work with your doctor to relieve your considerable distress. For some reason, you are withdrawing into the world of fantasy and imagination instead of dealing with real every day life. I’m sure there is a good reason but the methods you are using to deal with whatever it is aren’t working.

I urge you to work with your doctor to get to the root of the problem and to find new and happier ways to manage whatever challenges are in your way. You deserve a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My ‘Memory Hoarding’ is driving me crazy

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have this problem, and it has taken over my life and has control over me. I worry about it constantly, 24/7. I call it ‘memory hoarding’ after reading an obscure article on it on the internet, but have never heard of anyone who actually does this. I don’t relate to people with OCD because my obsessions/compulsions are SO different to the majority of OCD sufferers. I have other problems too and these seem to be due to the main issue. I don’t want to forget ANYTHING. I want to know exactly what I did, where I went and who with on each day. I want to know exactly what I wore each day. Everything I do revolves around this. The thing is, a few months ago, I ‘got behind’ with the recording of the info and have been ‘spiraling out of control’. I HAVE to get caught up, but it’s impossible. It feels like the end of the world. With OCD, people carry out compulsions to relieve the anxiety – I haven’t been doing the compulsions so I have an intense build up of anxiety that won’t go away. It has a very big effect on my daily life. I’m trying to keep this concise else it would be pages long but just as an example – I have piles of stuff scattered all over the house but these HAVE to stay as they are. when my mum ‘tidies’ and moves things, it drives me insane and it feels like the end of the world. I want to know where everything is. I can’t wear certain clothes coz they have to stay where they are. I often avoid things coz of this, like I kept asking for a new exam timetable instead of moving it from where it was in my room, because I couldn’t move it. So that’s a very brief description of my main problem, but the following are the other problems, which I believe are only present because of the main problem. I feel like I have some other problem, which is opposing the ‘memory hoarding’ and preventing me from relieving the anxiety by recording the info I need to. it’s like, I can’t get started after leaving it so long (now almost half a year). I can’t focus on anything, have very poor concentration unless it’s something I enjoy doing/reading, and am constantly distracted. I don’t listen when others talk to me, and have no empathy for others. I have constant racing thoughts, which drive me crazy. I’m desperate to get organized (which is what I need to keep the memory hoarding at bay) but I just can’t. I don’t know where to start. and then, the third area of issues is the personality/relationships with others – I cannot bear being alone (this has been for a few months – I used to enjoy my own company)and go spiraling down and feel empty and hopeless. I desire fun. I feel the grass is always greener – I feel everyone’s out there having fun and I want to be with them having fun too. I am horribly unorganized, leave everything to the last minute, I have people telling me off for being so unorganized and late with important deadlines. I’m going to leave that here, this is just off the top of my head, how I’d describe my problem to someone from scratch. I really hope my question will be answered. Thanks.

What an overwhelming burden this sounds like! It is hard for me to know for sure, and it would certainly be beyond the scope of my response to offer an opinion as to a diagnosis. But I think you have described enough details to warrant an evaluation. I am casting my vote with a neurologist or neuropsychological testing. The difference is that a neurologist is a physician who will understand your symptoms as the result of brain functioning. The testing is done by a psychologist specializing in the use of tests that help determine relative strengths and weaknesses. In fact, both of these approaches are often used in conjunction with each other and you may want to consider both.

This information will pinpoint (usually) what is going on and it will help lead you to a treatment that should bring some relief.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Well The thing is i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional about it, but i would really prefer not to. But to sum up the last few years of whats been going on. 2 friends died by being hit by cars ( they were walking ) both at different times, my parents got a divorce in 2008 both remarried in 2009… Both divorced again in 2011.. and they are getting back together now.. I was constantyl in the middle, i was loaning my father money to pay
his bills and same for my mother. In the last 3 months i have been laid off of my job, and now i’m in threat of loosing everything i have worked for. Although i have a really crappy job offering which i’m going to take to pay the bills. Now let me explain the recent problems..

Starting about 2-3 days ago i have been getting extremely mad at my wife and children for no reason. I don’t know why.. I get to the point where i’m afraid to get near my girls i’m afraid i’ll hurt them, so instead i have them go play outside. My wife is usually at work so i’m acting as stay at home dad right now, Occasionally and including right now, it seems like i can’t get enough oxygen into my system no matter how deep i breath or how much i try. I personally love my wife and children to death, i dislike society and humanity as a whole so i don’t have friends and don’t want them ( i also have no interest in seeing a therapist although it’s probably for the best ) I do not talk to most of my family only my father and mother, and thats only becuase i have to i would prefer if they would stay out of my life..

I absolutely hate myself and constantly think of suicide. Of course i would never act on it, but it doesn’t stop me from day dreaming about it. Also at nights, almost every night i have nightmares, they are never plesent in any way. Usually my kids or wife dying. I’m not happy with my life for sure, i want much more out of my life. I’m not afraid of dying, only of being forgotten.. I want to do something to be remembered..

I know this isn’t much of a question, but i’m seeking advice, i want to make the best of myself and such for my wife and kids, so i’m considering seeing a therapist, but i think it will be a waste of time. I’m not really addicted to games and such, i mean i do play on the computer but i don’t mind getting off to play with my kids or spend time with my wife, even if i don’t want to get off i dont’ get mad about it i just do it. And through the day i’m not really on much, only at night..

The other problem is my wife is being bothered by my sleeping habits. I usually go to sleep about 10-11AM and wake at about 2-3PM about 2-3 times a month i’ll go 24-36 hours without sleep altogether, i’m not forcing myself i just don’t feel tired.. i’ve tried sleeping pills and they have done nothing. My father had prescription sleeping pills i tried and still nothing ( i know it’s wrong )

umm, other than that i’m sorta addicted to sex.. I mean i want sex every single night.. of course the wife isn’t always int he mood which is understandable. But in the past when she denied me for whatever reason, i would just cuddle with her then go watch tv or play a game, but in the last couple of days, i have gotten so mad at her i wanted to kill myself.. It almost feels like i’m being denied love. I’m honestly not sure wtf is going on.. I’m assuming depression, and maybe a bit of anxiety.. But i’m no therapist. Any way Yeah what do you think.

What I think is what you think. Follow your own good instincts. You need the support and advice of a therapist who can give you more than what we’re able to do through a letter. For starters, it sounds to me that you are still grieving your friends and your parents’ unstable relationship and that you have a serious sleep disorder (that, btw, could contribute to your depression and your episodes of rage). You may be feeling even more upset about being unemployed than you are letting yourself acknowledge. Losing a job and feeling forced to take a “crappy” one is a major hit on most adults’ self-esteem. You are wise enough not to take your feelings out on the family who loves you but you do think about taking it out on yourself — which of course would do unestimable damage to the wife and children you leave behind. I wonder if you want sex so much because it is the only way you’ve found to truly relax.

As you can see, your letter left me with more questions than answers – except one: Do see a therapist and go into the project with as much courage, openness, and honesty as you can. Your family deserves it. So do you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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