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Bipolar Boyfriend of Six Years Broke Up with Me

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I met my bipolar boyfriend 6 years ago…we fell madly in love and cared for each other, he told me he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it didn’t matter to me cuz he was amazing so I read more on it and educated myself. I considered him my best friend, lover and partner I know he is my soulmate as I’ve never felt like this before … he was my first and only love. He graduated before me and we had a long distance relationship visiting each other and always talking everyday for 6 years . It wasn’t easy at all …we went through a lot during that time … he had several manic and depressive episodes and I recognized all the symptoms. He has been medicated for years but every time the episodes occurs he would break up with me and breaks my heart. It happened at least once a year during our relationship and I always reached back. I always fought for us even when it’s painful and hurtful. I believed in him and us with all my heart and wanted to be there for him to support him We talked about having a future together and we were getting engaged. We are both from different countries … but it didn’t matter at all since they are neighboring countries. He talked to his mom and told her about us she wouldn’t accept me cuz I’m from a different country he told her how I understand him and supports him but she still didn’t care … in his culture he can’t fight his family to accept us. He can’t force me on him even thou there’s nothing wrong with me except being from a different country. He tried for several months until he started to hate his family and to resent them and he broke up with me few days ago saying we don’t have a future after 6 years he breaks my heart and shatter it into pieces. He has been experiencing some mood swings during that time feeling pressured … frustrated and overwhelmed. He still loves me and he knows we will be happy together, but he chose to give up on us … on our future together I feel devastated … hurt … empty and numb. I don’t know what to do anymore I don’t want anyone else besides him Is the stress causing him to act out n that he’s having an episode? (age 26, from Saudi Arabia)

I’m sorry that things are not working out between you and your boyfriend. Unfortunately it sounds like the odds are stacked against you. As you have found out, loving someone with bipolar disorder can be difficult. You have seen him go through some very serious swings over the last six years and you have taken him back even though he has hurt you many times.

You asked if the current stress could have triggered an episode and the answer is yes. It sounds like he is torn between his family, his country and his love for you, which of course would be quite stressful. However, I’m concerned that it’s not just these issues leading to his most recent break up with you. Based on what you describe here, he has a consistent pattern of breaking it off with you when he is not stable. Unless he is able to find more stability in the treatment of his illness, I fear that this pattern will never change. Are you willing to go through these heart breaks for the rest of your life?

I know you love him and have been very committed to him. Your loyalty is noble. But given the history and the current family challenges, I feel that it would be best for you to move on. Healing from heart break is difficult and can take a long time, but it is possible. Many people who thought they had found their soul mate have learned to love again just as deeply, and sometimes even more so. You deserve to be with someone who can give you as much as you give.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

 

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Wife Won’t Let Me Fly to Sister’s Wedding

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Germany: I hope you can assist me with my problem. Two years ago I’ve married my wife, and already before the wedding my parents have tried to destroy this relationship. My sister, whom my wife loved, has joined my parents too.

My wife was extremely hurt by them and blocked them ever since. The family did try a couple of times to apologize, yet it didn’t seem to come out of honesty.

Now my sister is getting married and, for some reason, I still wish to go to her wedding, despite the bad treatment my wife and I have received from them. The peak of this problem was reached when my wife said that if I’ll ever have contact with my parents, she will leave me. She said that after I told her that I’ll never stop hoping that they’ll change.

I will also mention here that my wife is an extremely difficult person to be with. She explodes with anger daily, she hit me very often and she always have to be right. In addition, in the past 2 years she refuse working and she rarely leave the apartment. I do admit that I’m a normal guy with normal guy issues, but a loving and supportive husband as well.

I am lost, I do not want to miss my sister’s wedding (even though she has been cold and extremely egoist and childish with me), but I also don’t want to lose my wife.

Can you please help me?

What a difficult situation! Your family and your wife have put you in a terrible position. No one should have to choose between the people they love. As difficult as they all are, you do love your family members and your wife. Why should either be threatened by the other? Even if your parents are correct that you are not with the right partner, that is something you need to discover for yourself.

It looks to me that you have several problems all at once. You want to stay connected to your family. Your wife has significant personal problems. Your relationship with your wife isn’t what it should be. The wedding is about more than attending a family event. It is also bringing all of the issues forward at the same time.

From what you shared, it looks to me like your wife needs treatment. She may be depressed. She may have agoraphobia. Or it may be something else. It is not normal for someone to never leave her home. It is not normal for someone who has only been married for two years to be angry and abusive to someone who loves her.

Your relationship is also in trouble. There is no reason for you to tolerate being hit. It is not healthy for you to be always worried about setting off your wife’s anger. If you could fix this on your own, you would have done so already. I encourage you to insist that the two of you go for couples therapy to figure out why two people who love each other aren’t living together in a loving way.

And — I do think you need to do what you can to stay connected to the family. They have tried to apologize. They invited you to the wedding. Go. Toast the bride. Enjoy the party. Stay out of conversations about your wife. Focus on the present and let the family know that you are working on making things better with your marriage. That shows them that you want to be part of the family and that you will not choose one side over the other. If your wife objects and threatens, tell her you are very sorry she feels that way but that you love your family and you won’t be forced to choose. Express the hope that she will join you in therapy when you get back.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I Push My Daughter to Excel or Back Off?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I have a daughter who does competitive Irish dance. From 8-12 she competed regularly and won consistently (13 now). When she hit the highest level within the sport, she started to not do as well. This sapped her confidence and in turn, her desire to compete. She has a natural talent that has gotten her to the place where she is. Now, she has to put in the work to compete against the girls at her level. If she did put in the work, she would dominate. But she doesn’t want to do that and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s lazy or is afraid of putting in the work and still losing. In reality, she still does well, but just not placing within the top 3 like she used to.

So my question is, when is it right to push her and when is it better to back off? Backing off is what I have been doing and I feel it’s making her more lazy because she doesn’t have a goal. She is not interested in any other activities. I’ve asked her about all sorts of different team and individual sports.

My gut says I should push her, but I know it will become a daily fight and I don’t want that for either of us. But I do think pushing her would get her to winning and that might change things for her. If you think she would benefit from talking with someone, how do I approach her about that? And what type of dr would be best?

This is such a good question. Many parents find themselves in the same delemma. To push or not to push. The first priority is to preserve your relationship with her. She is a young teen with the challenging teen years ahead. It’s more important that she feel she can talk to you than win another ribbon. But I don’t think it has to be an either/or.

I don’t think the issue is laziness. A lazy kid would not get this far. It may have more to do with thinking that if she isn’t sure she’ll be the best, she doesn’t want to try. Her self-esteem may be so tied up with winning that she can’t risk losing. By pulling back, she can always tell herself that she would have won if she had put in the effort. It’s a “face-saving” tactic.

It’s normal for kids to want to try out a number of activities before finding the one that grabs their heart and attention. Many a kid has started an instrument or dance or sport with great enthusiasm, only to drop it later for something else. What concerns me about your daughter, though, is that she isn’t pulling back at dance in favor of something else. That also suggests to me that self-esteem issues may be at work here.

You didn’t mention what your daughter’s coach or teacher thinks. Is her teacher frustrated, too? Do you think the teacher has the kids’ best interests at heart — not just winning? If so, perhaps a talk with the teacher will be helpful. Often a teacher or coach can inspire a kid when the parent can’t. If the teacher is too invested in “winning”, don’t go that route. You may be able to address the self-esteem issues on your own or it may be that you can think of another relative or older friend who can talk to your daughter about it.

If those aren’t options, then I suggest seeing a family therapist with your daughter. This is not because I think you aren’t being a good mother. Quite the contrary. I think it’s better for a therapist to help you and your daughter solve to problem together as a way to lay the foundation for other difficult talks as she moves through the teen years. I don’t think it is helpful for a counselor to become a more important sounding board than her mother.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why My Mom Hates Me

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Hi there, I have a question regarding to my mom and why she appears to hate me in comparison to my brother and sister. I’m the oldest, my brother is the middle child and my sister is the youngest. My brother, my parents seemed to have focused majority of their attention on him which honestly wasn’t a big deal to me, but my sister who has caused so much grief on my mom even calling her the c-word and run in with the law and being physically violent with her still is treated with so much more respect than me. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I was a child of obedience, good grades, never swore, just desperately wanted to please my parents to no end, you get the picture. When I was a teenager she was physically and emotionally abusive with me, she went through a bad divorce with my dad and the death of her mother and sister so she did take it out on us, more so me and dealing with bulimia.  My mom does depend on me now for rides to work because she lost her license and does have type 1 diabetes so I’m the one responsible for her even though I want to move out and begin my life with my 7 year boyfriend. My mom doesn’t approve of us living together so I am afraid she will end our mother daughter relationship because she’s threatened it before. To this day she treats me horribly compared to my brother and sister even though I try hard not to start fights with her, I’m very quiet and passive which I guess she hates? And she walks all over me if my sister refuses to do something for my mom. Whenever I have tried to tell her how I feel she manipulates me into thinking something is wrong with me, she also seems to have a narcissistic personality problem but I’m not going to diagnose her. How can I begin my life without starting a war. An example that happened is that I expressed excitement over my future home that I offered that she can help decorate, she refused and said if I moved out she would never come over or talk to me but when my brother expressed wanting to move out she offered to pay his rent. Please help. (age 25, from Canada)

I don’t think the problem is that your mother hates you. I think it is that she needs you too much. Somewhere along the lines the boundaries may have gotten blurred and she began relying on you more than taking care of you. Things probably shifted during the time that she suffered so many losses. When you talk about moving out or asserting your independence she probably becomes fearful and does whatever she needs to do to keep you close, and it appears to be working. It doesn’t sound like she “needs” your brother and sister as much so she isn’t threatened by their independence.

You and your mother may have developed a codependent or enmeshed relationship and it will take time to unravel, but your mother will never be the one to initiate this change. It will be up to you, and it’s hard work.

You obviously love and care about your mother and are most likely still seeking her approval, so just telling you to move out and start living your own life may be too much too soon, but it is ultimately what you need to do. You can do it as lovingly as possible and help your mom strategize other ways to get her needs met, such as transportation, or you can just rip the bandage off and make you your number one priority and let your mom figure it out herself. After all, she has been an adult a lot longer than you. Don’t sell her short.

However, I understand that changing these ingrained patterns will take time and your self-esteem has been affected. Because this is hard work, I suggest that you enlist the help of a good therapist or find a local support group that addresses boundaries and codependency. There are also many self-help books on these topics. You deserve to be happy and live your own life, and your mom deserves to know you as a daughter, not her savior.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Why Does My Partner Put His Mother First?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an adult woman in France: My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years. We live overseas but he is very close to his Mom. We spent our first Christmas together last year as I went to his family home. He was worried about breaking the news to his Mom that he might not spend every Christmas at home anymore but told me that if we spent last Christmas with his family he would gently break it to her, over the course of the year, that this Christmas would be spent with my family.

Christmas is really important to me but not to him. He thinks it’s perfectly normal for couples to go their separate ways for Christmas and does not expect me to spend them at his family home, unless I want to. To me, it’s important to spend Christmas with my partner. Neither of us have any desire to get married so, as far as I am concerned, we should be considered married, as a cohabiting couple. I think most people would find it strange for a married couple not to spend Christmas together and I can’t see how we are any different.

This year, my family are coming to us for Christmas but my boyfriend is definitely going home. I would love my boyfriend’s family to come too but, for various reasons, they can’t. There has been no debate, no apology for telling me that he would spend this Christmas with my family, just a declaration that “it would break my Mum’s heart if I wasn’t home for Christmas”. His Mum actually asked him what he will do this Christmas, which gives me the impression that she is prepared for him to not always spend it with her. When I questioned him on this he responded by saying that he wants to see his friends from home too as it’s been a while.

He knows how important Christmas is to me. This Christmas is especially important as it is the first I will spend with my brother in 14 years (he always spends it with his wife’s family), and the first I will spend with both my Mom and Dad since I was a child, as they are long divorced. I feel as though I have accepted him prioritizing his Mum’s happiness over mine but him wanting to see friends he could visit any time over spending this Christmas with me and my family makes me question where I come in his priorities.

He calls me dramatic and thinks we should both do whatever we want and that the two don’t need to correlate. I’m not sure I should invest anymore time in someone who doesn’t put me first.

Thank you for writing. You and your partner are in your 40s. For that reason, I don’t think this is about who your partner puts first. I think the discussion over Christmas is really a discussion about the nature of your relationship. You want to be treated as if you are a married couple. Your boyfriend is making it clear that he doesn’t share that point of view. Rather, he thinks the two of you should be making independent decisions and should support each other’s independence.

My suggestion is that you stop arguing about Christmas and start talking about your assumptions and expectations for what it means to be living together. You don’t seem to be on the same page now. But maybe, with some clearer discussion, the two of you can come up with a mutually agreed upon way to be both independent and together.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Overprotective Parents when My Age Is already 27

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I’m 27 from Indonesia and moved to Malaysia since year 2000 with my mom and stepdad (Malaysian). All this while I’ve been very dependent on them due to my Visa problem, which is quite complicated. And they’ve been very worried and scared about my future if I can’t get a stable job here, cause seems like it is quite impossible for me to move back to Indonesia by myself. Due to that it is hard enough for me to get a permanent job here but currently I’m overcoming this problem and this is not the main issue.

The main problem is my parents opinion about my boyfriend, same age as myself. He is a China citizen and been staying here with his mom, owned a small business with 2nd Home visa valid for 10 years. They are okay with me dating him at first, and now we are together for 5 months.

Suddenly mom freaked out last month, and said that I have no future together with him. They said his background is uncertain and could be sent back to China if anything is wrong with his visa, and asked me to find a Malaysian guy instead, or rather have me to be on my own until I can find a better guy that can give benefit to me and my family. They pictured the worse case scenario if I’m married to him, I would be forced to go to China with him and worried that life will be as hard as theirs when they moved back to Malaysia and scared that I can’t cope with it. Mom also threatened me that they are going to deport me back if I don’t break it off with him.

My point is, I feel so happy with my boyfriend, and when he realized about this issue, he is willing to work even harder to earn more money just to make my parents happy. Why can’t I have both him and my career at the same time? Is marrying a Malaysian will guarantee 100% my future is secured?

I don’t know how to talk to my parents cause every time I tried all I get is argument, prejudice and said their judgement is always right. I want to tell them all I want is to be happy and I can bare my own risks but it is just so hard. Please help.

Thank you for your important question. I think the answer lies in the fact that at 27 it is time for you to take a stand with your parents — it is overdue. You and your boyfriend should explain to your parents together that you are going to be a couple and that the work here is to figure out how everyone can go forward. Be clear. They are welcome to their opinion — but that you are going to live your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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