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Husband being too tyrannical with children

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 16th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My husband and I have 3 very bright children ages 6, 8, and 9. The oldest is a girl and the two younger ones are boys. My question is how do I get my husband to listen to me when I try to point out that I feel he is being too aggressive with his reactions and discipline methods? Our children are very close in age and very high strung – it’s likely genetic as I am also high strung and have had issues with ADHD since childhood. He seems to be getting less and less tolerant and more easily over-stimulated. He yells frequently, but he is not physically or verbally abusive in my opinion. He is constantly at odds with my daughter and part of the reason is because he competes with her in defense of an issue. He is always wanting to have the last word and fights endlessly for his point to get across. He is this way with me as well. He is always growling and barking, and seems to be constantly annoyed by the kids. He loves them, but they just seem to be a burden to his being.

I am a few years older, and have been on my own much much longer. I have overcome quite a dysfunctional upbringing to be a successful and healthy adult. My husband on the other hand was always taken care of, even when he went out on his own and joined the military…they began caring for him. He does have some history that he does not seem to show much emotion about – his mother had a stroke when he was a teenager and has been invalid since. His dad has been a funeral director/mortician all his life and they lived over top of a funeral home. His father worked a lot and did his best to care for and provide for his family and seemed to do a damned good job doing that and caring for his paraplegic wife.

Now, as a father, my husband seems as if he wants to be a dictator. I am strict as well and have a short fuse at times, however, I have read books, gone to school (I majored in Kinesiology, and minored in Psychology and I took several child psychology courses), written papers on dealing with childhood issues, worked in special education, substituted in the elementary school system, coached youth sports for 4 years, and I feel I am a little more “educated” on the subject of children. I make a concerted effort to think about the situation before hand and choose the right words or punishment if necessary.

This can be difficult at times because I have adult ADHD and I have a tendency to snap when I can’t think quickly on my feet. Further, when it comes to my own children, I have spent the majority of their lives with them as a stay at home mom, even when I was going to college, I went during the day when they were in school and was always there to take them and pick them up, do homework with them after school, and get them ready for bed.

My husband works and was going to school for awhile, and has sports and such to occupy him otherwise. We often argue because he likes to spend alot of time watching sports, playing games on the playstation, and checking stats on his fantasy teams on the computer. I feel like the kids feel he cares about himself much more than he cares about them. So, when I say I think he is not handling a situation in the best possible manner, I feel like I am justified in saying so. For the most part, we seem to agree on how we want to raise them, and want to bring up independent, respectful children, and we have gone around and around at which discipline methods work and which to try.

We even attended a parenting course when our children were younger and adopted some useful methods at that time. However, as the children have grown, I feel my husband has failed to grow with them. Our middle child has severe ADHD so that is another issue we often disagree about…how to deal with him and his quirks…another subject I have studied and written on extensively.

My husband’s answer to me when I try to point out that I feel the way he handled an issue or situation is incorrect, or slightly tyrannical, he defends himself aggressively and then says “well then I just won’t discipline the kids anymore.” This cop-out response is getting old and frustrating, and I am at my wits end about how to get him to listen to himself and realize that he is not so justified in his reactions, and that he is becoming more like an ogre every day.

He will admit that often times he speaks and reacts without thinking first…but he won’t do anything about it and repeats this cycle endlessly. We have seen a therapist in the past for our own communication problems, and we only slightly got any benefit from it because we just don’t see eye to eye on the way things are. We have our marital issues, but are good companions and good friends. I feel like the only way he would take me seriously and realize that he needs to take a second look at his actions and reactions, is if I took my children and left him. I have threatened, but he doesn’t take me seriously, he often takes it for granted that I will hang in there regardless of how bad it seems to be for me.

For my kids’ sake, he really must consider that maybe he needs to work on his issues or he will be out of a family. I have bought books and asked him to read them, he says he will, but never does…he is a very stubborn, self-centered person….how do I get him to understand how serious I am about this problem without actually having to leave?

I can’t decide if it will be better for my children to leave or to stay? I know he won’t listen to me; it’s like he is in competition with me for righteousness…I am also stubborn, but when it comes to our kids and raising them, he is far more so. So, who will he listen to and how do I get him to listen to them?

The question here is who is right about parenting. Is your husband approach correct? Is your approach correct? It does not matter whose opinion we decide to accept. The only thing that matters is whose opinion is correct. I would recommend finding a good family therapist and a behaviorist. If I read your correspondence correctly, it seems as if you are saying to me that the children are doomed to poor behavior because of their Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). There are many therapists who would not agree with that position. Parenting is a very, very serious issue. It must be done correctly. Almost good enough is not good enough. Your goal as a parent is to raise healthy children who are ready to begin life at the age of 18. That’s the goal, plain and simple, to have them be physically and mentally ready, and to have done your best job to prepare them. They are like a product in the making and no one would disagree that parenting is the main factor in the development of the child. Is your husband self centered? Perhaps he is, certainly you have described him that way. Can he learn to be a good parent? Yes, I am sure that is possible. Will he be interested in doing what is necessary to become a good parent? That is a question that only he will answer. He may be turned off to the issue of parenting because it seems as if you have taken the approach that you are the expert and what could he possibly know. It seems as if you want him to adopt your way of parenting which becomes then a power issue in the relationship. I would let a true professional help you learn how to parent. I am afraid that a minor in psychology, personal experience with ADHD, and working with children with special needs does not make you an expert on parenting. I don’t mean to insult you in any way and if we were having this discussion over coffee, or in the halls outside an office I would offer none of this advice. However, the issue of raising your children in the healthiest way possible is too important for me to simply assume that you know best. I truly don’t believe that anyone other than a skilled professional can help you in this situation. From my limited perspective, this is not an issue of ADHD, but is an issue of parenting. I wish the best of luck.

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Anxiety and My Therapist

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 29th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Three years ago I wanted to see a therapist because I was having trouble for anxiety. I was very nervous about talking to him so I emailed him first, telling him I was nervous in social situations and asking him if therapy was a good idea and if there was anything he could recommend. He recommended the Anxiety and Phobia workbook by Edmund Bourne. I felt panicked when I thought about talking to him over the phone and I worried that he would be disgusted with me unless I read through the entire book. So I got the book and it really struck a chord – I was never able to talk to anyone about my problems because I was too nervous about doing so, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was genuinely understood by someone. I had not spoken to the therapist yet but felt profoundly comforted and touched by the compassionate nature of the book. I read through the entire thing and spent a month doing the exercises. It was such a relief to feel as though I was allowed to have compassion for myself and that I would get attention for my feelings, and finally, after a month, I worked up the courage to call the therapist. I booked an appointment with him, and when I came to see him I mentioned that I had read the book. The first think out of his mouth was, “okay, you don’t need that book.” He told me that I “seem to do okay” when I was talking to him. I felt devastated – I think he thought my problems were not serious enough to warrant that kind of help – and I also felt guilty and stupid for having used the book in the first place. I put it away and couldn’t look at it any more. I tried to tell him that I was experiencing really intense anxiety, hoping that he would suggest even a few exercises out of the book, but he only suggested that I do the things that frightened me, without any compassion for my anxiety. I told him I was nervous in sessions, but instead of suggesting something calming, he said “everyone feels nervous in sessions.” Now I still have problems with anxiety sometimes but I have become mostly numb; it hurts so much to think that I do not deserve compassion or attention for my feelings. I cut myself now when I am upset because it is the only thing that comforts me, and I am infuriated at the therapist for not responding to my problems and taking my money. I want someone to tell me that I was justified in using the book to help me, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Am I justified in using the book to help me with anxiety? Is it ok to feel like I need breathing exercises to help calm me down, or someone there to hold my hand? It is killing me that I feel so upset and at the same time like I will not ever get any attention for it.

I get the impression that you are a highly sensitive individual. By this I mean that what other people say or think about you is important. Because of this trait, it is important to recognize that you may be overreacting. You don’t need the permission of a therapist or anyone else to validate what you should and should not do. If the anxiety workbook helped you then you should use it for as long as you feel necessary. You are a free individual. You are free to do anything you want, including using exercises from a book that has proven to be helpful to you. No permission is necessary.

I understand that you were upset at your therapist. Your perception of the situation was that he was being insensitive to you and your needs. Perhaps that was the case but as I mentioned above, your reaction might have been inappropriate. Your therapist may have been attempting to make you feel better. He may have been trying to compliment you and to help you gain confidence when he said that you “seem to do okay.” He may also have been attempting to ease your nervousness and to normalize your feelings when he said that “everyone gets nervous in sessions.”

You were angry at your therapist because he told you to stop using the book but you did not inform him that it helped you. Had he known that it benefited you then he may have had a different opinion.

The truth is that his opinion of the book really should not matter. As I’ve indicated, if you like it then you should use it.

Each individual is unique. The most popular treatment for anxiety will not work for everyone. What’s most important about therapy is to find a treatment that works for the individual client.

I would suggest returning to treatment. Try not to be angry at your therapist and discuss with him your opinion of the book. It’s important that you be fully honest with him about how you’re feeling. Communication is very important during therapy. Perhaps once he knows how you feel then he could incorporate the book into your treatment. If he’s not willing to do this then you may want to consider another therapist.

The goal is to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with, who you like and who you feel respects you. If you choose to search for a new therapist it might be helpful if you mentioned the anxiety workbook to each therapist you contact and ask if he or she would be willing to include it as part of your treatment. I would advise against only using the workbook and forgoing therapy. I believe it is important that you continue therapy, primarily because of your cutting behavior.

In case you choose not to stay with your current therapist, here’s a link to Psychology Today. This service may help you locate a new therapist in your community. Thank you for your question.

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I Have No Friends and Am Depressed

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D. February 19th, 2024
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

First of all I want to thank the therapist who is patient enough to go through the problem I am facing.I am not sure what type of disorder I am suffering from but this problem is almost killing me I am very very very very depressed and want to commit suicide because I feel it is worthless to live this type of life. I literally have no friends in my life and I have made several attempts to make friends but I never succeeded. Till the age of 10 I was fine but the trouble started after that. I have changed school and in my class no one seemed to like me. I can confidently say that I am nice person and I never did any unpardonable mistake to be ignored like that .

I have to go to school alone and come back alone. My parents always used to scold me to study well and get good grades. Even though I had high ambitions about my studies I am able to partly achieve my goals. I could have achieved more if I had real friends who can love me for what I am. My parents never cared about what I am going through as a teenager and blamed me that I am responsible for not having any friends. They never thought why I am not able to make any friends. One good character I have is I never give up very easily. So since my teenage I have been trying to make true friends like every other average Joe but all my attempts miserably failed. I feel I have been cursed to have no friends.

I have to tell about my father here. I can say that he is a coward. There was a guy who in my class who took advantage of my loneliness and started harassing me. I told my father about that guy but he never did anything to stop that guy from harassing me. I just went to classes like that for more than a year for the sake of achieving my goals. From that day I lost trust on my parents and I never believe that they are there for me. Because of this loneliness I have a very low self-esteem and I don’t have belief on me.

 I tried to analyze my situation on why I am not able to make any friends. I found that I am very innocent not sure how to behave with a person depending on their character.I behave very nicely with everyone irrespective of their age group. I don’t know how to interact with people of my age group. I try to be very polite and nice. The sad part about me is that I can’t access the character of a person and behave accordingly.

 So people treat me like a straw and people of my age group don’t find any enjoyment in my company. So no one is interested in making me as his/her friend. I tried real hard to improve my situation by analyzing people’s character but failed. I feel that it should come as we grow and it can’t be taught in school. Due to my fate I lack that basic quality to lead this life. I have stopped interacting with people because I have deep fear inside me that I will definitely fail.

As the days pass I am loosing interest on this life and want to die. I have seen a therapist in person but said I am a normal person without any problems.  As a last resort I am writing my problem in this forum hoping to get some help. Pleaseeeeeeeeee help me out!!!

Hello, and thank you for your question:

It sounds like you are having a terrible time, and you may need to go to either a social skills group or find a therapist who specializes in relationship issues. Your problem seems to stem from your relationship with your parents, and that is where we learn to form intimate, meaningful relationships with peers.

It is quite possible that you are not perceived the way that you wish. While you may be feeling snubbed by others, they may feel that they have tried to be friendly with you and misunderstood how you responded. That is not to say that it’s your fault, however.

It’s simply that we can be viewed as needy, clingy, or even demanding when we are simply desperate to make friends. Please consider going to another therapist. The one you went to probably didn’t understand where you are coming from. Be completely honest about how it feels to be rejected or abandoned and try to figure out what is really going on at the root of all of this.  I can’t diagnose over the Internet, and no one should really try. All I can say is that you are struggling to be understood and loved and need to find a professional who can help.

Please try to find a new therapist. You can find one in your area at Psychology Today.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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Depression or Bipolar?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 12th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not really sure where to start. For about 4-5 years I’ve alternated between depression and a very hyper and (usually) happy mood. The depression usually lasts a few weeks, sometimes a month or so. The hyper mood rarely lasts as long, usually a week or two.

I usually think about suicide a little when I’m depressed, and seriously consider it every few months but talk myself out of it because I know I’ll feel better eventually. (I also know I’ll get depressed again, but I don’t think about that when I feel that way.) Occasionally it will seem like I’m sort of disconnected from everything, like everthing is hazy, like in a dream although I know what’s real and whats not. Once it got so bad that I started to believe my mom was keeping me at home forever (I’m homeschooled) and would kill me if I tried to escape or found out about her “plan”, and that my brother was part of it(not true at all by the way). Other than that I don’t know what else to say about it, I guess it’s mostly just typical depression. Now I’ll explain the hyper mood.
It starts with me not being tired at all and just feeling silly.

I can sleep 0-5 hours a night for several days and still not be tired. It seems like I do everything faster, and after a little while it gets annoying because everything else seems too slow and starts to get boring/frustrating. I get distracted almost constantly by how fast I think. My thoughts are loosely connected by one detail of each thought, or I make up conversations I’d like to have with people (almost like daydreaming). It used to get so weird that I would start to believe impossible or nearly impossible things. When I was about 13 I learned one song on guitar and believed i would be the most famous guitarist in the world by the time I turned 14. I once believed invisible cameras were following me and somehow recording what I did then to be used in interview or something in the future when I would be on TV. Similar things like that happened alot until I was about 15, I still daydream like that alot but never believe it as much as I used to. Colors seem brighter and its like I’m aware of everything. Sounds, smells, peoples conversations, basically everything becomes clearer. Recently its been more anger and anxiety than happiness, especially after several days of it. That’s all I can think of for explaining that part.

Ive occasionally heard things in either/both moods. Usually just noises or my name. Sometimes I get really angry, sometimes over very little things. When I was younger I would throw/break things when I got really mad, after awhile my mom nearly made me go to therapy so I learned to stop throwing/breaking things but I still get just as mad. It usually feels like I can’t control it, like the anger takes over me completely.
My family history:

Ive occasionally heard it mentioned that my dad is bipolar, but I dont know for sure because I havent asked him.
grandma, aunt and uncle on antidepressants (dont know exactly why)
Cousin that attemped suicide once (also dont know why)
other cousin that was kicked out of the coast gurd for some mental or emotional issue (again dont know exactly what/why)
grandmas brother that was severely depressed almost his whole life
Thats all I remember.

Because of my dad I’ve taken the bipolar quiz on this site and I scored a 43, but I’m not taking it too seriously because its just a quiz.
Well thats it, sorry its really long but I tried to put as much detail as possible. Thanks for reading this.

If you are a regular reader of my column then you know that it is difficult for me to give an individual a reliable diagnosis over the Internet. Based on your letter it is possible that you have bipolar disorder. You have described periods of depression and mania. What you describe as being “a hyper mood” is fairly consistent with the description of mania. If you would like to read more about the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder please click this link.

What can and should you do? Make an appointment with a mental health professional. He or she could help you determine if you meet the criteria for a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. You may want to choose a mental health professional who specializes in the treatment of bipolar disorder.

After you have been evaluated discuss with the clinician what type of treatment would be best for you. I would not recommend ignoring your symptoms. Aside from the fact that you may have bipolar disorder my concern is that you have suicidal thoughts. Individuals with bipolar disorder are more likely to attempt and complete suicide. This potentially places you at a higher risk for suicide. Suicidal thoughts need to be taken very seriously. I would advise anyone who is having thoughts of suicide to see a mental health professional immediately.

Writing a letter is a starting point but more needs to be done. I hope you will follow through and make an appointment with a mental health professional. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to write back. Lastly, here is a link to the Psychology Today website where you can search for a therapist in your community. I wish you well.

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Is My Mom Abusing Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 28th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. I visited (and stayed with) my Mother, at Christmastime, and was kicked out of her house, as she thought I was having sex with her boyfriend, who was staying at her house, at the same time that I was.

She continues to abuse me by saying that I have taken her boyfriend away from her, which has no basis of truth. I had no relations, with him, other than seeing him, while I was with her, at her house.

My Mom has been diagnosed (about 15 years ago) as suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. She was hospitalized, in 1992, when her husband passed away, when she completely lost touch with reality, by thinking that my Dad was still alive and they were going to take a charter flight to Hawaii. When hospitalized, she could not recognize who I was, which was ‘very’ upsetting. At that time, she was placed on Risperdal, which turned her around in about a 2 week time.

I have no contact, with Mom, because of her abusive behavior. She thinks (now) that I am living with her boyfriend and I am living with him, having the time of my life, which is false. I live in a completely different state and have since 2003.

I’m having a very hard time dealing with this abuse, from her.

I was told by her Psychology Counseling – Case Managers, that Mom has signed a form to have me taken off her contact list, in case of emergency and/or I cannot have any input into her care.

Mom has gone as far as changing her cell phone…and…home phone number, so that I cannot call her.

When this ‘abuse’, first started, her caretaker (Case Mgr), told me that it was possible that she had a stroke. I tried to convince the Case Mgr., that she needed to be checked out medically, but nothing was done. Her Case Mgr., then told me that her medication had been reduced. That’s when the “problems” started, when her medication was lowered.

What can I do to help my Mom? Also, what can I do to stop worrying about her and stop feeling guilty, although I have done nothing wrong?

I feel, at a loss, as she has restricted my knowledge of her medical care. This is just part of her illness.

If something should happen, to her, I don’t want our relationship to end with her “truly” believing these disgusting things about me, her only daughter.

I am at a total loss and would like some advice on what I can do next, to obtain help for Mom.

Thank you very much for your time.

What you must realize is that you are dealing with an individual who because of her illness may be unable to think logically and rationally. You believe that she is abusing you and perhaps some of her behavior may in fact constitute abuse but what complicates this matter is the fact that she has schizophrenia.

Unfortunately, the experience you describe with your mother is common. People with schizophrenia often incorporate close family and friends into their delusions and paranoia. They do not do it deliberately. It is the nature of the illness. Friends and family can sometimes be viewed by a schizophrenic individual as enemies. It is not uncommon for an individual with schizophrenia to believe that the people who are trying to help them are trying to harm them.

Let me explain by using an example. I am familiar with a family in which the mother has had schizophrenia for over 25 years. She is married and has three adult children. She has been hospitalized for severe psychotic episodes at least 30 times but still does not believe that she has schizophrenia.

During the course of the illness, every time that she had a psychotic episode, she became extremely paranoid and delusional. The paranoia and delusions always seemed to center on her husband. As the psychosis progressed, she would become increasingly convinced that her husband was conspiring to harm her. For instance, during one episode she became so convinced that he was attempting to take the children away that as a way to ensure that he could not, she told the police that he had molested the children. During other psychotic episodic occasions, she told the police that he dealt drugs, stole vehicles, robbed banks, brainwashed the children, poisoned her food, planted listening devices in her legs, and so forth. None of it was true but she absolutely believed it to be.

Generally, each psychotic episode required hospitalization. The hospitalizations were involuntary meaning that she was always committed to the hospital against her will. Her husband was usually the individual who signed the commitment papers. While at the hospital, it was not uncommon for her to tell the hospital staff many negative things about her husband and ask that he not be allowed to visit or have a say in her medical care. Her husband thus always became her enemy.

The truth is that her husband helped her tremendously during her many psychotic episodes but she continued to believe that he was trying to harm her. Each time that she had an episode she targeted him as the “bad guy.” Before he learned about the symptoms of schizophrenia he was shocked and appalled at how she accused him of engaging in activities that he did not participate in. Naturally, it angered and upset him. He was almost arrested on many occasions because of the untrue stories that she told the police. He later came to understand that it was the illness that caused her to be so suspicious of him. He had to learn how to separate her from the illness symptoms. He had to learn not to take her outrageous accusations personally and to realize that her behavior toward him was part of her illness.

In your situation, your mother’s illness may be what is causing her to behave in a manner that you consider abusive. It is important to examine her behavior and determine if it is the illness that is causing her to behave erratically toward you.

Even if her behavior is a result of the illness, it does not mean that you have to tolerate it. Try to realize that her actions toward you may be beyond her control, then work to establish rules and boundaries with her. Continue to limit your contact with her. You said that you have stopped all contact with her and that is fine if you chose this but please know that it will most likely not work to alter her behavior towards you. Remember, it may be the illness that accounts for her behavior towards you and probably not because she has a personal vendetta against you. Again, it is important to try to separate the person from their illness.

Schizophrenia is a very complex illness. It’s not only debilitating to the individuals suffering from the disease but it can profoundly affect the family members of the person living with the illness.

The goal is to be firm but compassionate with your mother, limit the time you spend with her and realize that much of what is causing her behavior towards you may be out of her control and due to the illness.

I welcome you to write again if you have any additional or future questions. Please let me know how you are doing. Also, I have written extensively about schizophrenia and the family. Please see my other answers regarding this subject here. They may be helpful to you. Take care and thanks for writing.

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Hate Myself and Everyone Else

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 17th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 19 and recently i was pregnant… my boyfriend changed his mind a few days after we found out and he wanted me to end it so we split up… i got into a ‘relationship’ with one of my closest friends called helen then she dumped me because she said she wasn’t attracted to women but just wanted to make me feel better. then something went wrong and i wasn’t pregnant any more.

My problem is that i hate myself, i know that what happened was my fault in some way and i just want to curl up into a ball and cry until i die, i have very few friends i am quite fit because i used to do alot of running but now i don’t run any more, i hate everyone who talks to me apart from my brother who i live with, and in my job that’s really not a good thing and if i lose that i have no idea what i’ll do, i have enough money problems as it is.

I have no idea what i should do, what i want to do is just end it but something is stopping me and I don’t know what.

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. You need support. It would be helpful if you had a support system that you could go to when feeling upset. Your brother’s support most likely helps a great deal but the more help you have the better you may feel. Have you considered counseling or a support group? I would recommend both.

I also noticed that you are blaming yourself for no longer being pregnant. I am not certain why you believe it is your fault. There are many possible explanations for what may have happened. There could have been a medical explanation. That is generally the case with miscarriages.

I would highly recommend seeing a physician (preferably an OB/GYN) to discuss what may have happened with the pregnancy. It would also be wise to have a medical evaluation. That would be especially prudent if you plan on attempting to become pregnant in the future.

You mentioned that you wanted to “end it” but something is stopping you. I am not certain what that “something” is but whatever it is, it needs to be reinforced and built upon. Perhaps it is resiliency. Perhaps it is your will to live. Perhaps you know that your life can improve.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to surround yourself with a strong support system. It can make all of the difference; research shows that to be true for many people. A support system could come in the form of gaining new friends, joining a support group, meeting with a mental health professional, among other ways. Psychology Today is a helpful website where you can find a list of therapists in your community. I hope you’re able to find support. Thank you for your question.

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I Don’t Love My Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 21st, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Raised by my mother, so she was obviously always working trying to support us. There are only a few memories I have of her and none of them are pleasant. She was mean, verbally abusive and on occasion physically abusive. She always had a boyfriend around, some were abusive as well. I was exposed to a lot of sexual activity through them or on television, I was molested by her bfs daughter (I was 7 she was 13). I was constantly alone. I always watched them fight and yell. I never felt loved by her. We never hug, kiss or say I love you. I hated her for years, and now I’m just indifferent. It makes me squirm to think about her, or to get to know her, to hear about other really good mom and daughter relationships. The thought of hugging her gives me anxiety. I don’t like the sound of her voice and now when she says I love you, I hate it. I can barely stand to be around her for only a little while.

I love my grandma, she has always been kind and affectionate. My best friends mom does all the i love you’s, I’m proud of you, hugs and kisses to me. To me, she is my “should have been mom.” At first I was weirded out by the kisses, hugs were okay, but now I don’t mind them so much.

Will time heal my wounds? Therapy? Is it a lost cause to even try? Why can’t I love my mom?

Sadly, not every person gets a mother who knows how to be a mom. Yours clearly didn’t know how to protect you or love you as she should. Apparently the best she could do was to keep a roof over your head and provide for you. That’s not nothing, but it wasn’t enough. It has left you with an emotional hole you are trying to fill.

But — you have been lucky enough to have alternate mothers. Your grandmother and your friend’s mom can fill the emotional needs your mother can’t handle. In psychology, we call such people “benevolent witnesses.” They are people who provide a positive experience of a loving relationship when a parent can’t or won’t do it. They become the source of loving interest and care in the present and a beacon for how to be a good parent in the future. You have not one, but two such women in your life. This is a gift!

I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to love your mom. You may be able to figure out what made it so hard for her to be a better mother. You may be able to forgive her for not doing better. You may be able to thank her for what she was able to do in spite of her own challenges. Your compassion and appreciation are the kind of love you can give her honestly.

Meanwhile, you don’t have to look far for the kind of motherly love or mother-daughter relationship you seek. You already have them in your grandmother and your friend’s mom.

I think therapy could help you feel okay about the limits of your relationship to your biological mother and would help you embrace the mothering that is available to you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is This Considered Molestation?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 15th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

The other night after a semiformal dance, there was a small party afterwards. (there was alcohol involved.) When everyone was settled down and sleeping, including me, I felt a good friend of mine come and lay down next to me, and put his arm around me. I didn’t think much of this. He then pulled me on top of him and kept trying to take my shirt off. I refused and kept telling him no. Throughout this he was kissing, and dry humping me, while I continued to refuse. he then took my hand and put it on his penis over his pants. I got off and told him to go to bed, when he pulled me close and held very tightly he put his hands down my pants and i continues to refuse. He somewhat listened, for he didn’t do anything more than grope me. Is this considered molestation? By this point of the night (4:30 am) I was sober.

It has really been bothering me. And i have not been able to tell anyone since everyone knows him and he’s a friendly person. He also acts as if nothing is wrong, but I feel sick to my stomach and have to force myself to act unaffected. I also have a boyfriend and feel guilty that I let it happen even though I tried refusing. I feel like it’s my fault and that I did something wrong, but am I making a big deal out of nothing? Please help.

Molestation is a relative term because people use it to mean different things. Generally speaking molestation refers to the act of subjecting an individual to unwanted sexual advances or activity. Using that definition it would seem that your friend did molest you. The question becomes what are you to do about it?

It is something that seems to be bothering you. If this continues then you may want to see a therapist. I do not think that you should blame yourself for what happened. It is not your fault. You may think that it is safe to be in a situation where drinking and drunkenness are found but people lose control and good judgment when they are no longer sober. The reality is that when people are drinking they are not thinking clearly. With each drink an individual consumes, their IQ decreases. An individual loses their ability to know what is happening around them or to control their behavior. If an individual drinks too much alcohol they may become unconscious. There are many people who choose not to consume mind-altering substances because they want their mind to be free and clear at all times.

Think about it from a purely logical standpoint. When people ingest mind-altering substances, unfortunately it increases the likelihood that negative things will happen. If an individual wants to limit the number of possible negative things that could occur then they need to decrease or eliminate the number of times they place themselves in high risk situations. I have said this in an attempt to protect you in the future.

Having said that, no one has the right to force their sexual attention on you. You told him no and did so repeatedly. You fought off his sexual advances. In my opinion, you were sexually assaulted. It was not your fault. Sexual assault or sexual mistakes often accompany drinking and partying. It should not be this way but unfortunately it is. You said no but that was not enough to protect you. I am very sorry that this happened to you. Counseling would help, if you find yourself having difficulty moving forward.

Here’s a link to the Psychology Today website. You can type in your zip code and find a therapist who practices in your area. If you choose to see a therapist you may want to discuss the possibility of filing a formal sexual assault complaint with the police against your friend. Legally, I am not certain if that is an option but it is something to explore. I hope you’re able to successfully work through this problem. Thank you for your question.

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Depressed or Normal Teen Issues?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 2nd, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I may be depressed. I really don’t know. I just need help! I think I may be depressed. I’m never really happy. I’m always bored. When i’m not home I can’t wait till i’m home soo I can get on my computer.. it just feels like i’m escaping everything. I never sleep at night. I mostly sleep the day away. I never feel good enough, skinny enough and pretty enough. I often find myself comparing myself to other girls. I seek attention from older men and I always feel like i’m not good enough. I often feel like my parents love my sister more, like there always giving her all the attention. I’m really shy and don’t have many friends. I have hurt myself before nothing major but like buirsing myself. I rather be alone then be with people. I’m really close to my mom(she’s like my best friend.) but I often think about my mom dying and that scares me a lot. Even if someone says the littest thing to me it hurts. If I get yelled at I will start to cry. Even if I do the stupiest little thing like say something stupid, I’ll feel embarssed and stupid by it.

I know I went on and on but I just need to know what’s wrong with me? Maybe this is normal? I don’t know. Btw I’m 14.

Depression may be a possibility but many of your concerns are common among individuals your age. Early adolescence can be a difficult time. There are many fears. Many will wonder if they are good enough, smart enough, funny enough, attractive enough etc., and will be very concerned about what others think of them. These fears and doubts are a very common experience. It is also common to worry about losing a parent or other that you love.

Adolescent girls in particular often compare themselves to other girls. If they do not feel “good enough” they may attempt to fill that void by engaging in unhealthy behavior. You mentioned that you seek attention from older men. There are complications to consider regarding relationships with older men. They may be interested in sex and feel that sex is a part of every relationship that they enter into. It is normal to want attention and love but it is important to be careful about from whom you seek it.

You also mentioned that you harm yourself. This is an unhealthy behavior. You described purposefully bruising yourself as “nothing major” but I would disagree. If an individual is intentionally harming themselves it is a concern. It is usually a sign of significant emotional suffering. Oftentimes individuals will attempt to physically harm themselves in an attempt to decrease their emotional suffering. That strategy never works. The relief it provides is temporary. It is an ineffective and maladaptive solution. It often leads to more self-harm and possibly permanent physical damage.

I would encourage you to speak to your mother about your concerns. She needs to know about what you are experiencing. She may be able to help you. You may want to ask her if she would be willing to take you to a therapist. A therapist can help you deal with the pain and trauma of adolescence. You may want to suggest that she go with you. Since you and she are close, then she may welcome the opportunity.

Psychology Today is a directory of mental health professionals in the United States. If you type in your zip code, you can search through local therapists’ profiles to see which one you may want to make an appointment with. Try to choose a therapist who specializes in treating adolescents.

Thank you for your question.

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My Mom Committed Suicide When I Was 7 or 8

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D. February 12th, 2023
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

Q: It was during the summer between 3rd and 4th grade, i think i was 7-8ish, and my mom committed suicide days or the day before my birthday. I actually don’t remember much. I saw a therapist briefly, she was terrible, grumpy even.  Only went to a few sessions, got nothing out of it, at least that i remember. Now, i have major issues connecting with my family, friends, and much more, girlfriends. Opening up is near impossible, even if i really want to. ALL holidays and most major social events, from the super bowl to saint patricks day to christmas, are automatic lowpoints, with the only traumatizing event being near my birthday. I’m constantly worried i’m missing out on my own life because i seem to miss out on everything worth going to. I cling to friends who have done nothing but damage my life, and push away the ones who might actually help, and especially any potential girlfriends get shown the most aggressive detachment. What little sex i have had, i physically detach from, almost as if i’m viewing from 3rd person.  Since highschool i’ve been attending college, i moved 9 hours away to live with an uncle and aunt, rebuilt my life, ran it into the ground, rebuilt again, freaked out and medically withdrew from college to move again 45minutes from parents, rebuilt my life again, ran it into ground again, moved back home because i drove myself into debt and my roommate was an opiate addict. Now i’m sitting in debt, depressed on a regular basis because i have no friends here and i don’t have enough money to visit them, and i have no money to even attempt trying to make new friends here because everything costs money. My dad has always been closed off to boot.

I’ve never blaimed any of my actions on my moms death, but all on me (not her death though). I figure if i can figure out whats wrong and actively attempt to fix it, i won’t repeat mistakes.  But i do keep repeating mistakes and have constant issues opening up to people despite trying to, and i keep missing out because of it. Am i supposed to be having these issues because of my mom suicide? Is it supposed to be this hard to fix them? I keep chalking things up to “learning the hard way,” but at this point, thats the first 20years of my life, and i’m not sure how much more i can sacrifice before i truely lose any hope of being happy.

Suicide of a parent is a terrible thing from which to recover, and if we don’t get help, it will keep sabotaging us until we find a therapist who can allow us to heal. Whether or not you blame yourself isn’t the full issue, but it seems that you have become pretty self-destructive. I have never met you, but I suspect that your self-destructive behaviors are rooted in anger, anger at your mother for abandoning you, anger that you couldn’t have prevented it, and anger that nobody stepped forward to help.

The thing I know for sure about grief — if you don’t confront it head-on and get therapy, it will wait until you do. That is to say, it will fester and erode your self confidence, your relationships and your life until you get into treatment with a professional who specializes in your problem. Children of tragedy such as yours often go on to become depressed, sometimes for life. You should consult a psychiatrist for medications as well. Anger is considered a “secondary” emotion, that is, the primary issue is your woundedness and pain. 

You can find a therapist who specializes in recovering from the suicide of a loved one at Psychology Today. There you can find one who either takes your insurance or offers a sliding scale for treatment. But, you cannot do this on your own. You don’t want to be describing this same issue 20 years from now, so please find a professional in your area.

Kindest Regards,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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Why Do I Keep Going Back To My Ex?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 6th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Ok i’m kind of have a feeling of being out of control. My ex and I broke up a month ago b/c he was a cheater and I found out many instances where he wasn’t faithful to me in our relationship-we were together for a year off and on (he flew out to visit ex g/f in cali and told me he was going mtn biking, emailed/chatted with Transexuals online, emailed girls on myspace, craigslist, dating websites etc). I’m 26 he is 27.

I kept going back to him, i don’t know why?! We broke up the day after christmas- i broke up with him he was being standoffish with me again and I couldn’t take it anymore. After a month of being friends (janurary til now). He was helping me train for a triatholon we ran 6 miles every weekend the month we were broken up. This past friday he wanted to take me out to dinner(i thought new beggings) and we had a great time and unfortunatly we ended up sleeping together after dinner. Oops! Next day didn’t hear from him while the whole previous week b4 this dinner he was texting me saying- i miss you, i love you, i can’t wait to see u etc.

So I got pissed the next day after our dinner date and went off on him BIG TIME telling him to f*** off, lose my #, saying he’s a jerk etc. He stopped talking to me. I apologized next day. He texted me a few times afterward like we were friends again. Thursday he texted me “good night sam” i didn’t respond bc I was in bed. Than yesterday(friday) I texted him later that day saying “how is your day” and heard nothing. Texted him again “?”. and Nothing. He would usually ALWAYS text me back. So than i texted him “I guess ur not talking to me anymore. That’s OK. we haven’t been getting along lately and need the space anyway. byes. Have a good wkend, be safe.” i said “be safe” cause it’s snowing. Do you think what i said was OK? and the right thing? I did’nt want to flip out on him again. I have done it a few times now since we broke up and i say really hurtful things to him.

I guess i haven’t gotten over his cheating ways and i feel like a crazy person sometimes. Why do i want him in my life when he treats me so badly behind my back? I need some insight to why i get upset when i dont hear from him. and why i feel like i need him in my life? I don’t have a bad childhood or a bad relationship with my parents- i feel very normal. but maybe its a syndrome of having something I can’t? help?

There could be many reasons why you feel like you must have your ex in your life. Some possibilities include loneliness, feeling that you cannot attract another man, convenience, or low self-esteem. These are some possibilities and there may be many others.

Another possibility is that no one modeled for you what a good relationship is like. You had a good childhood and you have a healthy relationship with your parents. Even so, their relationship may not have been healthy and that could have been where you learned some of your problematic behaviors. Since you did not describe their relationship it is difficult for me to determine whether it is the source of your problems. If you were to analyze your life, I wonder if there are any family members who have a similar relationship to the one you have with your ex? If so, that may be the source.

Some individuals will tolerate an unfaithful partner if they are single, lonely or feel that there are no prospective relationships. Why? Because they don’t like to be alone. For some people, being in an unhealthy relationship is better than not being in a relationship at all. Those same people, if they met someone new and felt that relationship had promise, would then and only then break off the old relationship. If the new relationship failed then they might attempt to reconnect with their ex, even if it meant being treated badly again. As I mentioned above, the common theme is that any relationship, even if it’s a bad one, is better than no relationship. The motivating force behind tolerating a less than healthy relationship is often a fear of being alone. It is a characteristic of dependent personality disorder.

The relationship you have described does not seem healthy. I would advise you to consider therapy. Therapy could help you understand why you are accepting of a relationship that does not benefit you and may in fact be harmful. You may be able to analyze and determine the source of your behavior. You could also learn new and better ways to cultivate a healthy relationship. Therapy is the ideal place to deal with relationship problems. Many people have found the website Psychology Today to be helpful for searching for therapists in their community. I wish you well. Thank you for your question.

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Schizophrenia And OCD: Real Fear or Illogical Obsession?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 31st, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I have had OCD since I was 9 years old. I am 21 now, and fortunately it is much more controlled. However, when I was younger, I developed an intense paranoia of schizophrenia. I didn’t know that I had OCD until I was 19, so the whole time I thought that my weird thoughts were simply representative of a future schizophrenic outbreak. In high school I was a very paranoid person and I was always consumed by a pervasive fear that I was going crazy. This fear led me to pay an obsessive amount of attention to my weird thoughts, which led to further analysis of how I truly believed that I was going crazy. But now that I am aware of my mental condition, I have learned to control my anxieties better.

However, being a Psychology major, I have exposure to information on Schizophrenia and so I have learned more of the risk factors involved. Subsequently, my fears have resurfaced. One of the risk factors is old paternal age and my dad was 50 years old when he had me. I’ve read that this increases my chance by three times. Also, I’ve learned that smoking cannabis is also a risk factor if there is already a predisposition. When I was eighteen, I smoked a lot of marijuana, for approximately one year. Although my current fear has not amounted to that paralyzing feeling I often felt in high school, I am becoming more and more concerned about this issue. I really am very scared that I will get schizophrenia and often, I can’t get it off my mind. I know that this fear might just be a symptom of my OCD, but I just can’t shake the feeling that I have a higher chance of getting schizophrenia.

Let’s think about this from a strictly logical, reality-based perspective. There is a low probability that you will develop schizophrenia but that fear has turned into an obsession. There is an equal or greater probability that you will develop many, many, other diseases but you aren’t worried about those disorders. Why not? If you are worried about schizophrenia, then you should also be worried about the thousands of other possible diseases and accidents that have an equal or greater possibility of occurring.

The probability, over a lifetime, of dying in a car accident is approximately 1 in 100. The chances of your developing schizophrenia are similar to dying in a car crash, yet you worry about the schizophrenia and not the car crash. Technically, you should also be concerned about dying in a car accident. There are many things that one could worry about and it is illogical to worry about one thing and not all things that are equally probable.

Millions of individuals have relatives with schizophrenia. They have an increased likelihood of developing the disorder but the vast majority of at-risk individuals do not develop schizophrenia. You are focused on the small probability that you will develop this disorder and are essentially ignoring the more likely outcome that you will not develop this disorder. That is not balanced thinking.

The key characteristic of schizophrenia is the inability to think logically. Your letter indicates that you are able to think quite logically. You are constantly analyzing your own thinking and seem to be cognitively functioning at a high level.

One of the keys to decreasing or eliminating your anxiety is to focus on reality. The probability that you will develop schizophrenia is very low. Thus, your anxiety or level of concern should be equally as low.

If OCD continues to be a problem in your life then you should consider psychotherapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy could be very beneficial to you. If you’d like to search for a therapist in your community, please click on the find help tab at top of this page. I wish you well. Please take care.

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Psychology Behind Fetish Spanking & D/S

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 29th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I know that traumatic childhood experiences can influence sexual desires in adulthood. I was spanked as a child, probably to the point of abuse. But, I was never docile about it; I never accepted it as being normal or beneficial in anyway. I had a deep sense of embarrassment about it. It caused me to hate my parents, and instead of being sorry for anything, it always made me more hateful and revenge-seeking. I still don’t completely trust my parents. I became suicidal when I was 14, trying to deal with growing up, their ‘authority’, and my distrust of them. I moved out when I was 15, and in with my elderly grandmother to help her out around the house. After 6 high schools (all by choice), I decided I had had enough. I tested out when I was 16 and started college.

I grew up because I felt I had to, but have always lacked self-discipline and have never felt safe enough with anyone to admit my faults/be seen as weak. I need some kind of accountability, because in a lot of respects, I’m apathetic about almost everything, and there is no limit to my ability to fail. My boyfriend brought up a couple months ago spanking in sex, which I liked because we’re both fairly aggressive and it’s just another form of play. I started thinking though about spanking as more than just foreplay, something closer to d/s.

I thought about spanking as a ‘punishment’, a way to be accountable for the little things I need help with. I talked to boyfriend about it, and he wasn’t adverse to the idea, but we haven’t tried it yet since he’s 3000 miles away right now. I’ve stood up to probably every authority figure that has ever been in my life (from teachers, to coaches, to scout leaders, to drill sergeants). The difference for me in wanting to be accountable to my boyfriend, for him to be an authority figure when necessary, is that I trust him.

I know he won’t abuse the power I give him; I know he loves me and would do anything for me. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about it more, and I know general society considers things like that abusive, that most people would probably think I’m seriously disturbed for wanting something like this. I just wanted more of an outside opinion.

This sounds very much like D/S to me. These feelings are occurring in the context of sex and as such are sexual feelings. Please don’t ask me why they occur because the explanation has been debated by no less an authority than Jung and Freud. This type of sexual feeling seems to predate even written history, and once writing did occur it has been the subject of texts and passages in every following century. Sexual behavior is generally considered acceptable if it does not do any real harm to the individuals involved. Monitor your feelings, perhaps in counseling, to see if you are harming yourself in anyway. Do your feelings have anything to do with your parents spanking you? Potentially, that could be the case. Will that create problems for you? Maybe yes, maybe no. I can’t tell you what to do. If you were in counseling you could develop the personal relationship which would allow you to be very open and discuss your sexual feelings with complete freedom. I would recommend counseling. Good luck.

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Panic Disorder or Psychosis?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 20th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am worried about developing psychosis or something similar. Hello! I am a 34 year old female who has been diagnosed with and dealing with panic disorder with some agoraphobia for just over a year now. I have managed this disorder by doing kundalini yoga, and also by learning to talk myself through a panic attack before the symptoms get worse. I was doing quite well, until last month. I am writing about this panic attack because I am so afraid of developing a psychotic illness. I am afraid that I might have a psychotic break during a panic attack.

I was sitting in class, when I started to develop a particularly strong panic attack that included the typical symptoms of lightheadedness, feeling faint, weak legs, depersonalization, pounding heart, etc. This panic attack was particularly strong for two reasons. One of them was that my sense of hearing became particularly heightened during the attack. Everything felt much too loud, and it made it even harder to concentrate.

Since that attack, I feel like my mind and body have not fully recovered. I have become particularly scared. I remember laying in bed the night after the attack with the feeling that I didn’t feel safe anywhere because I was really nervous. It made me feel discouraged.

I also feel very achy since that attack, and had a burning sensation around the chest area, and a feeling like I wanted to cry a lot, but the tears were not coming. I have been checked by a cardiologist to find out my physical heart is just fine. My sense of hearing still feels heightened, and sometimes life is too loud.
My depersonalization feels worse than it did before. I sometimes feel so out of my body. I have a fear of waking up one morning, and not knowing who I am anymore, or not recognizing the people and circumstances of my life. Due to my depersonalization, I went through a brief period after this panic attack where I ruminated over existential questions like what it means to be a human, and about existence, as well as the universe. The worst part of this was the rumination and fixation. It became very heavy because these are questions that none of us may ever know. I have been able to find some peace with this.

I have some other thoughts that scare me, and I am not sure if they should be taken more seriously. Several months ago, I was taking to my Mother. It needs to be noted that my Mother is a critical person of me in general. I had this thought enter my head: what if she would do me harm. I felt it was irrational, but having the thought was upsetting. It is even more upsetting that I know this is paranoia. I am wondering if this could become schizophrenia. Since the more recent panic attack, when my nerves feel frazzled, I feel afraid of people that I never felt afraid of before. It isn’t so much that they would do me harm, but my nerves feel so on edge that being around them makes me feel too overwhelmed. I feel a lot more drained by people, and don’t have the energy to deal with them. This fear of people makes me worry a lot about developing schizophrenia.

Finally, I get a thought that I also feel is irrational, but it developed along side of my existential questions. I sometimes wonder if everyone is in on something. I feel this is irrational, and I wouldn’t be able to tell you what they are in on, but again this thought feels upsetting.

Based on what I have written here, I am wondering if all of this falls under the heading of panic disorder still, or could I be developing something more serious? I feel so afraid that I will lose contact with reality. I am afraid of losing control all the time, and that I will say things to people that I have no control over. I may start taking medication, but I worry that the side effects could make things worse. I am going back and forth on that. Thank you for your time.

It is not uncommon for individuals with panic disorder to fear that they may be “going crazy” or losing control. These are common fears. You mentioned at the end of your letter that you are afraid of losing control and losing contact with reality. These fears are consistent with the symptoms of panic disorder.

You discussed the specific possibility of developing psychosis or schizophrenia based on two specific irrational thoughts: what if your mother would harm you and wondering whether others are “on something.”

You describe being upset about your thoughts. I am not certain if this is because the presence of new irrational thoughts is fueling your fear of a developing psychosis or schizophrenia, or if you are concerned because you believe them to be true.

What is the subtle but key distinction? Whether you can determine the difference between reality and non-reality. My question to you would be: Do you believe that your irrational thoughts are true?

If you believe that your mother might actually harm you and there is no basis for this belief (i.e. she never threatened to harm you, she’s never harmed anyone, there’s no reason to believe that she may harm you, and so forth), this would be considered a paranoid ideation or a delusion.

If you believed that people around you were “on something” and because of this belief you no longer associated with them, despite evidence to the contrary, then I would be concerned about the possible development of a psychosis-based disorder.

Having irrational thoughts does not necessarily indicate psychosis or schizophrenia. The real concern is if you believe that your thoughts are true despite there being no proof, no evidence to support your beliefs or in the face of evidence to the contrary. By definition, a delusion is an erroneous belief held even when there is evidence to the contrary. Delusions and paranoia are characteristics of psychotic-based disorders.

You are correct to be concerned about these symptoms. Unfortunately, I cannot definitively answer your question unless I am able to interview you in person. I believe you should be evaluated by a mental health professional. He or she can determine if your symptoms are related to panic disorder or they are indicative of a possible psychotic disorder.

It is also important to note that you wrote a very logical and well-prepared letter. This shows that you are thinking clearly. Thought disorganization is a sign of schizophrenia and other psychotic-based disorders. There’s no evidence in this letter of that particular symptom. Also encouraging is the fact that you are very self-aware of your symptoms. Self-awareness is often an essential ingredient in the successful treatment of mental health disorders.

One final thought, you mentioned that you have utilized a specific form of yoga to help decrease your panic symptoms. It is very good that you are utilizing yoga to decrease your symptoms. I would encourage you to continue yoga classes but I would also recommend medication and psychotherapy. Medication and counseling, in addition to yoga, could be a very efficient way to cure the symptoms that are degrading your life.

If you choose to explore medication as a form of treatment, it is recommended that you see a psychiatrist. Primary care physicians can and do prescribe their patients psychotropic medications. Many are very good and highly qualified but a psychiatrist has years of additional training in the field of mental health treatments and disorders.

Psychology Today has a listing of mental health professionals. By typing in your ZIP code, you may be able to find one in your community.

Without treatment, your symptoms may become worse. With treatment, the quality of your life can be significantly improved. Do not let fear and anxiety continue to degrade your life. I hope that you will consider professional mental health treatment. It can benefit you but only if you are willing to try. Thank you for your question.

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Can a Person with a History of Depression Have a Career in Psychology?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 1st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Some Questions Regarding Clin. Psych. Careers and Prior Mental Illness. I know that on the surface this looks somewhat like a question that has already been asked by someone, but I really do have some new questions on the subject, so I would appreciate it if you’d be willing to answer!

I am currently considering a career change. Since I have an interest in clinical psychology and I like talking to people and helping them find solutions to their problems, I was wondering if I should go for a PhD in this subject. My main issue is this: I am currently being treated for ADHD, anxiety, and intermittent bouts of depression. In addition, I have had a couple of depressive episodes in the past. I hope, however, that I will be able to conquer these issues (at least for the most part) in significantly less time than the 7-8 years between now and when I would be able finish a PhD program.

Do you think that it would be unwise to pursue that course of action (i.e. perhaps start preparing to apply for PhD programs next year) when I don’t yet have my life completely under control? I am still trying to get on top of a lot of issues related to the ADHD and to some extent the anxiety. On the other hand, I do hope to make improvements in these areas and if I don’t at least make enough preparations so that I could apply for grad schools by next year, I feel like after that point I won’t be at a time in my life where I can reasonably spend 6 more years as a student. (I didn’t do any undergrad work in psychology, so before applying to grad schools I would need about 18 hours of undergraduate work and probably some experience working in a lab. This means I do have to plan pretty far in advance if I want to attempt the PhD.)

Also, another question I have is this: Do you think, as someone with a history of depression, I would be able to be a therapist and listen to other people talking about their depression, suicidal ideation, etc., without those feelings being “contagious” even if I were not currently depressed?

I am currently in a training program for a crisis hotline, and I am hoping that this volunteer experience might be able to help me gauge the answer to that question a bit, but I would still really appreciate it if you could give me your perspective on the issue. Thanks for taking the time to read all this, and thanks for any advice and input you can give!

Your questions share the basic premise of whether someone with a history of mental health issues should or could become a counselor to others with similar issues. The answer is it depends.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) follows the model of having former addicts counsel individuals currently struggling with addiction. It’s an effective method partly because theoretically former addicts understand addiction; they have experienced it and have battled it. They can empathize with the struggles of addiction, perhaps in ways that a person who has never experienced addiction can.

The same may be true regarding depression and other related disorders but not if the depression is severe and incapacitating. Generally speaking, if an individual is experiencing depression and is not able to self-stabilize, he or she is not in some form of treatment and has no intention of seeking treatment, then I may advise them against pursuing a career in counseling until their depression is under control. The main reason would be because it is extremely important that the therapist be as psychologically healthy as he or she can be. The advice that a therapist gives their clients has to be as accurate as possible. Giving erroneous advice can actually do harm to clients.

People who have had depression and may experience it mildly or intermittently may be able to pursue a career in counseling and be very successful. Having had depression, similar to how former addicts advise current addicts, may give you insight into the illness that others who have not experienced depression would not have. In this way, having had depression may help you in your counseling career.

Having had depression has the potential to make you a better therapist but it would be inaccurate to say that just because you had depression you’d make a better therapist than some who has not.

Having had depression should not bar you from pursuing a career in counseling. In fact, many who enter the field of counseling are individuals who were helped by therapy. They’re motivated by the help they received and often express a desire to “give back” and help others as they have been helped.

I want to also mention that the fact that you are taking a job as a crisis worker is a very smart idea. That job will give you a chance to see what it is like to give advice to individuals who are depressed. The job of a crisis hotline worker can be intense and extremely challenging. It might be a good way to gauge how you feel about a career in counseling.

Lastly, try not to put timelines and arbitrary pressure on yourself to get into a PhD program. You’ll know when and if you are ready, even if it takes a few years to know for sure.

I hope this answers your questions. Thanks for writing.

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Avoidance or Something More?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 3rd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello. I am a 22 year old male and have been shy and insecure pretty much my entire life. Though I might say I had a normal childhood, there were early signs something was wrong with me. I was afraid of heights, afraid of dogs, afraid of water (I never learned to swim or even ride a bicycle). I missed out on many things because of fear and insecurity. That is probably where I started developing low self-esteem and things just went on their own. My father was rarely present at home and my mother and grandmother were rather inadequate in their behavior. A person on the side might say they were the children in the house. I did feel neglected and singled out in my own family, that transferred into my social life. I did have other oddities as a child for which I have no explanation. In my early teens I started staying more at home, than going out with friends.
Entering high school was a life changing event for me. Going to school became a nightmare, I quickly developed fear of people, couldn’t talk normally to anyone, I had nausea with waking up, before leaving the house. I started avoiding people and social events terrified me. I had very low grades throughout high school, I often had severe depression episodes (I still do). Nobody seemed to make it easier for me, there was no one to talk to. I became very quiet and withdrawn, I couldn’t speak my mind properly in front of people, because I couldn’t relax.
A year before graduation I started visiting a therapist. I underwent verbal therapy (cognitive-behavioral) for about a year and it didn’t help me with anything. She diagnosed me with Avoidant personality disorder. Only when I left for college and changed the scenery, did I start experiencing some very slow changes, but I don’t believe it was because of therapy. I started a sexual relationship with my therapist (female, 20 years older than me) which is still going on, I suppose. About two and a half years now. We became close and she seems very emotionally attached.
Since there was no effect in her therapy, I decided to visit someone else again (male this time), allegedly one of the best therapists in my country. But I can’t relax speaking my mind even there. He practices hypnosis and rebirthing-breathwork, which is cool, but it seems insecurity is getting in the way even when I’m at my therapist’s office.
I dropped out of college after my first year because of this social anxiety thing, it is unbearable at times. I just enrolled in a Psychology class, hoping this might help somewhat with my issues.
Though I am experiencing some very slow changes, so slow I’m not sure I can call them changes, I still feel there is a darkness that gradually engulfs me. I still have major depressive episodes, thoughts of suicide, etc. In these cases thoughts are just piling up and I don’t know what to do with them, I don’t know how to vent, it just feels like my head is going to implode.

I am glad that you have been trying different therapies and therapists. Since you are now back in college I would recommend you use the counseling center there. But rather than use an individual approach to therapy I highly recommend a group. The group process itself is the intervention. Working with others in a group at the hands of a good therapist will allow the feelings and behaviors with avoidant personality disorder to emerge and have the opportunity to be corrected. The individual therapy should be continued to process the reactions you experience within the group. But the group will give you a chance to work through the dynamics you have identified.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Need a Life Goal

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 27th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I need a reason to live, but I urge you kindly not to post answers similar or bordering towards “think about all the people who cares about you” or “everyone has a purpose”, I am neither religious nor suicidal, at least not anymore.

I’m just tired of being trapped in a pointless universe where we, the human race, only live to satisfy our ego. (Or super ego if you want to go all psycho- analytical on me)

But I suppose it is better than the alternative: A divine dictatorship which applies fear in order to keep its (his, hers or whatever) followers from searching for it and, assuming the search is successful, proving the existence of the divine entity in question.

I could go on, but this is beside the point, I am only including this so that you may easier understand my current position, sorry if I offended anyone.

But back to my question, which is: I need a reason to live, a life goal if you will; something that can drive me forward and give me strength or my life will be meaningless.

If anyone of you has any suggestions I would be most obliged.

Yours Truly

There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest — whether the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories — comes afterward. These are games; one must first answer. –Albert Camus, An Absurd Reasoning

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. — Thoreau

Struggling to find meaning and purpose in life is the essential work of living and I admire you having the courage in challenging others to help you find an answer. We did not give birth to ourselves, something else did, and we have been given the gift of consciousness along with that act of creation.

I am very much of the opinion that psychology’s history has been mostly helping people to find relief from pain. While that is good, it has not been focused on helping people thrive and develop a sense of well-being. This has changed. In the last 15 years there has been a tremendous push to add to our meaning purpose and achievement in life.

One of the chief architects of this shift is a former president of the American Psychological Association, Martin Seligman. He has put the issue squarely in front of us: “I believe psychology has done very well in working out how to understand and treat disease. But I think that is literally half-baked. If all you do is work to fix problems, to alleviate suffering, then by definition you are working to get people to zero, to neutral. What I’m saying is, Why not try to get them to plus-two, or plus-three?”

He has outlined the format for this change in his book Flourish and I highly recommend you read it. It has initiated perhaps the most widely researched and discussed approach to developing the good life, with a significant emphasis on meaning. While space limitations prevent me from elaborating on his theory and approach, I can say it is one of the more comprehensive perspectives being offered. If you are looking to dive into the more academic components of meaning one of the leaders in the field, Todd Kashdan can provide you with a wealth of information about creating a more meaningful life.

But along the way the words of the Dalai Lama may be helpful to keep in mind:

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Dealing With Fear, Anxiety, and PTSD

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 1st, 2020
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Approximately 6 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD after being pressured to undergo and abortion at 20 weeks gestation by my now ex husband. He threatened to take away my two other children, or kill me, and repeatedly drove me to abortion clinics. They have you speak to a counselor prior to undergoing the procedure, I would say no, and he would just drive me to another abortion clinic the next week. Finally I underwent the procedure, I was overcome by his constant threats. A few days later, as I was recovering from the procedure, I was overcome by guilt and grief for my baby, and I attempted suicide. After a few days in the pscych ward, my then husbands signed me out, telling them I would be in his care. I didn’t undergo any therapy at the time, I was sort of just speechless, could not verbally deal with what happened at all. Instead, a doctor put me on what I think was Celexa, which I remained on for about a year before weaning myself off of it. I never received additional treatment or therapy after leaving the hospital.

Years have passed, and 4 lawyers later I am finally divorced. I have managed to hold myself together enough to progress in my career, finish school, and by my first home for myself and my two children. However, since my divorce was finalized a couple of years after the incident, I have not been unable to maintain a dating relationship with anyone for more than a couple of months, and now I haven’t even had a date in over a year. Lately, I have been isolating myself from friends and family. I don’t feel like going out or socializing. Even socializing at work is painful for me. I feel awkward and ugly and just disconnected. It seems to be getting worse lately. I’m also increasingly jumpy and fearful, at any loud or sudden noise or movement. I can’ even watch a clip from a scary movie, and recently watched a cartoon movie with my kids and kept getting startled! I don’t want to be a fraidy cat or a socially inept, and alone forever. I really would like to date people, but I’m just too shy to talk to anyone that shows interest. I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother. I know it’s going back quite a few years, but I keep thinking I should talk to someone about the whole issue that caused the PTSD, but at the same time, I don’t want to dig up old wounds,I cried just writing this. But my question is, how do I pick up and move forward, and fix all these horrible personality quirks I’ve developed?

Counseling could be very beneficial for you. I understand that much of your past is difficult to speak about. Ironically, that is precisely why counseling would be good for you.

You experienced trauma in your past relationship. It makes sense that you are now having trouble with the prospect of new and future relationships. You may also be experiencing depression symptoms. Your desire to isolate may be a sign of depression. The fact that you feel “awkward, ugly and disconnected” may be another sign. Feeling disconnected could also be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The fact that you are easily startled may also be indicative of PTSD.

In your letter, you provided a logical rationale for why you should attend treatment. “I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother.” Children see their parents as role models. They often learn how to behave based on how they see their parents behave. If a parent has depression, their children may be more likely to experience it at some point in their lives compared to children whose parents do not have the disorder. If you would like to read more about depression and its effect on children, please click here.

Counseling may be difficult but it is the right course of action. You’ve experienced significant trauma in your life. These experiences need to be dealt with for the purpose of improving the quality of your life and increasing your chances of a healthy relationship in the future. It is the right thing to do. It is also the responsible choice and it can help you immensely.

Lastly, one very important quality to note is your resiliency. Despite an unhappy and abusive marriage, you managed to continue your career, finish your education and purchase a home for your family. Those are major life accomplishments. You’ve done very well despite a difficult history. Now you are faced with another challenge in your life. This time, you may need assistance and support and that is why I am recommending therapy. Here is a link to Psychology Today. It may be able to help you locate a therapist in your community. Thanks for your question. I wish you well.

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My theraputic relationship may be toxic

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 2nd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 24 years old and I have been seeing the same shrink on and off for ten years. A month ago, I admitted to him that I was sexually attracted to him. He admitted that he was sexually attracted to me too, and that he likes me, but he has very clear boundaries, and given our history, a sexual relationship just wouldn’t “sit well” with him. Before admitting my feelings, he had told me he thought I was attractive. The first time was when I was 15, and the other times were more recent. I am a psychology major, so I understand the concept of transference and countertransference. I understand that it would be extremely unethical for him to act out or sexual attraction, but I still feel rejected, unwanted, and increasingly depressed.

About a year ago, he told me that the only way I would be happy is if I cheated on my boyfriend. I did, and that’s when my feelings for my therapist got so severe. I would even have dreams that I was having an affair with my therapist instead of the person I was actually having an affair with. Since then, I have cheated on my boyfriend with over 8 people. Many of which, I would never normally have sex with. Afterwards I feel shameful, disgusted, guilty, and depressed. I feel like I have lost my dignity, and forgotten what my boundaries are. I think all I really ever wanted was my therapist. I think these feelings are damaging, and perhaps causing me to have a problem with sexual compulsion.

I told him that I didn’t want to be his patient anymore, and he told me that he enjoyed being my therapist, he said he likes talking about sex with me, and he wants me to continue being his patient. He even said that this was somewhat selfish of him. Every time I see him I get really depressed and want to binge on either alcohol or sex afterward. I feel like our therapeutic relationship is toxic for me. Its really hard for me to stop seeing him, because I want him as a part of my life, but he is my therapist and these relationships are not permanent. Should I just never go back? Should I take a break? See someone else? Are my feelings really damaging me? Is he already being unethical?

There’s always the possibility that you’re misinterpreting things. I’m only getting one side of the story. But let’s assume that you are absolutely accurate in your letter.

In that case, there are a number of red flags that this relationship has moved from being therapeutic to exploitive. My first concern is that you’ve been seeing a therapist for 10 years, since you were only 14. At the very least, it suggests that your therapy isn’t working. Therapy is supposed to be, as you said, a temporary support and learning process. Of even more concern is that you seem to be feeling worse, not better, as a result of your interactions with your therapist.

Then there are the issues around sex: I can’t imagine a therapist suggesting that someone cheat. Reconsider a relationship? Yes. Cheat? No. The term says it all. Cheating is dishonest and usually only leads to feelings of shame, guilt, and regret. Most worrisome of all is that your therapist has told you many times that he finds you attractive and has said that he “likes” to talk about sex with you. You are right that it’s not at all unusual for a patient to have a crush on her therapist but that should become a topic to work through with the therapist maintaining clear and consistent boundaries. And counter-transference is what therapists deal with in their own supervision, not with the patient. Your therapist should have immediately understood he needs supervision when he found himself saying that he wanted you to continue as his patient for his own selfish reasons.

In an ideal situation, you would be able to talk with your therapist about your feelings as a way to figure out your part in relationships and tp practice handling conflict. But that assumes that the therapist is trustworthy and able to do only what is in your best interests. It’s not about what does or doesn’t “sit well.” It’s a matter of professional ethics.

In a situation like you describe, I worry that to share your dreams and feelings with your therapist would lead to more confusing conversations that make you feel guilty for wanting to leave. If that is the case, it may be more reasonable for you to interview a few therapists and find someone new to talk to. The very first issue you will need to deal with is your experience with your former therapist and how it is likely to impact your trust in your new one. Your new therapist may also be able to help you decide whether your longtime therapist’s behavior should be reported to the licensing board.

I’m truly sorry that you are coming away from a decade of treatment feeling depressed and confused. As with physicians, our job as therapists is to first do no harm and then to do our very best to do good. It grieves me to hear of situations where a therapist loses his or her own bearings in such a way that the patient gets hurt. I encourage you to take charge of your life and to find the supports you need to get comfort and to heal.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Discouraged with the system and losing hope

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 22nd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Lately I feel like I’ve been getting kicked around and going nowhere. I was released from the psych unit at the hospital on Wednesday following a 12-day involuntary stay. My preceptor (psychiatrist) thought I might be a danger to myself and had me admitted against my will. Although I was having suicidal thoughts, I’m bipolar. This honestly happens to me all the time, and I was never in any acute danger. Obviously she didn’t believe me.

While I was in the hospital, I dealt with two separate psychiatrists who had totally different opinions of me and completely different treatment plans. The first guy didn’t even want to bother with me. He brushed me off in such a callous way that I was very hurt, even crushed. The second guy was more open-minded and thought it would be worthwhile to try me on an MAOI, which I have never taken before. He discontinued the wellbutrin I was taking on the assumption that my outpatient psychiatrist would go along with that plan (he even talked to him about it). On Friday, my outpatient psychiatrist said that he didn’t like the MAOI idea and that I should go back to the meds I was taking prior to hospitalization, except without the antidepressant. (Take a depressed person and remove the antidepressant… good plan.)

So what did my hospitalization accomplish for me? Well, it screwed up my schooling. Now I have to take a leave of absence, repeat my psych rotation, and delay my graduation by months. It also did nothing to change my mood. I’m just as depressed as I was before, but with an altered set of stressors now. There have been no promising changes in my treatment plan. I gave the docs over a week of my cooperation as an inpatient in the hopes that they could help me, but it now seems that the entire ordeal was a complete waste of my time and a rather disruptive/destructive force in my life. I can’t think of anything good that has come of this. Nothing.

I’m going into medicine. I’ve always had an interest in psychology. However, this experience has done nothing but leave me disappointed and disheartened. Disappointed that those who are providing my care can’t agree with each other. Disappointed that I would be callously brushed off when I am in genuine pain. Disappointed that one would get my hopes up, and another would put me right back where I was before. Disheartened because when I finally made myself vulnerable and accepted a need for help (like frequent suicidal ideations maybe aren’t normal or healthy), I received three different responses and have made no progress whatsoever. Disheartened because I’m starting to feel like I can’t be helped (or at least no one wants to try). Now THAT’S depressing.

A recommendation has been made for therapy, and I’ll agree that I need it, but I don’t want to put all of my eggs in that basket. I’ve done therapy before. Years’ worth, and it has only been a moderate help. I know I don’t handle stress well, but my history includes bouts of major depression even when everything in my life is going well. Can therapy fix that? Really?

Obviously I’m venting, but I need to know – how do I overcome this frustration, discouragement, and newly-found skepticism as I try to pursue care from the people who I feel have let me down so badly, and who seem to be tired of dealing with me? I haven’t quite given up on myself yet, but sometimes I think I’m really close to throwing up my hands and calling it quits too. That’s when suicide starts to sound so inviting again, because sometimes I think I would rather die than live like this for another 50+ years. I need a reason to hope.

Thanks.

Thank you for writing. I hope you won’t give in and give up. You obviously are thinking hard about options and trying to take charge of your life. I’m very, very sorry that you seem to have been caught in the gaps of the current health care system. Each doctor was undoubtedly doing what they thought best. But it’s frustrating that there wasn’t more collaboration among them. I’m not surprised if at times you want to throw up your hands in dismay. It may be a small comfort to know that many people with a bipolar diagnosis try for years before they get the right providers and the right strategy to manage their illness.

The good news is that it can be managed. Yes, talk therapy helps. I recently attended a reading by David Lovelace who is the author of Scattershot, My Bipolar Family. He also has bipolar illness. He joked that his mechanic takes longer to change the oil in his car than his psychiatrist takes to review and prescribe his meds. Psychiatrists often have to see 3 or 4 people an hour; not exactly a pace where they can dig in and understand what is going on with someone. That’s why the talk therapy piece is so important as a long-term strategy. Your therapist can help you understand your illness better and learn strategies for coping with it and even using its positive aspects. Ideally, there should be a partnership and good communication between your psychiatrist and your therapist and you. Learning how to live with bipolar illness is a process of self-discovery; not just a matter of popping the right pills.

I think you might find it helpful – even inspiring – to read the books by Kay Redfield Jamison and the previously mentioned book by David Lovelace. You are indeed in very good company. Many people with a diagnosis of bipolar are extremely bright, creative, and productive people. Once they learn how to live with the illness, they become their best versions of themselves.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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