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I Can’t Tell What Is Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m slowly coming to the realization that there is a greater possibility that I have some mental issues. Most of the time I feel numb – kind of like I’m outside of my own body watching myself do things. This happens a lot when I’m nervous (in any kind of social situation). I’m unhappy and I hate that because I don’t have anything to be unhappy about. I live a blessed life thank God. For that I am eternally grateful, I really am. My life hasn’t even been that hard – the hardest thing I’ve had to go through was just a big move and my crush (,his family) and my own family making fun of me. Its pathetic – extremely pathetic, I’m aware of that. If I could tell you what’s wrong with me I would, believe me, but even I don’t know that. There’s just this extremely unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can’t shake. Not to mention this completely hopeless attitude to life that I can’t change. This looming sense that nothing’s going to work out.

My only goals are to get back home to Canada and to someday get a cat. However, I’m starting to back down from even those. I’m scared to go back home after all these years because obviously, things wont be the same. Its already been so long that I now feel like a foreigner to my country. Both of them actually (Canada and Sudan). I’m rethinking getting a cat because – like most things – cats hate me. I’m so hopeless, lonely and lost it hurts. It actually physically hurts. It’s been 3 years. 3 years of no ambition, of no hope. Honestly if it weren’t for my religion, there’s a large chance I would’ve ended it earlier on. I’m trying to be patient, I feel stupid, embarrassed and stuck up for feeling the way I feel and I just want to get to the bottom of this. Is this anything serious or am I just over exaggerating things?

To answer your question directly, I don’t think you are exaggerating. Your concern about exaggeration might be tied to your belief that it’s “stupid” or “embarrassing” to admit that you have problems. You should never feel “stupid” or “embarrassed” about having problems. Problems are a part of life. It’s important to refrain from inaccurate self-criticism (i.e. calling yourself “stupid”) because thinking affects behavior. If you believe negative things about yourself, then you might falsely conclude that you’re not worthy of help and thus not seek it. You are worthy and deserving of a happy, satisfying life.

The key to psychological health is having good critical thinking skills. These skills are not innate or instinctual. They are learned skills that can be taught in counseling.

I can’t provide a diagnosis over the internet but many of your symptoms might be consistent with depression and anxiety. People with depression often feel hopeless, have an inability to feel pleasure and lack energy. The thought of having to get out of bed can feel overwhelming, both emotionally and physically.

Feeling anxious in social situations might be indicative of an anxiety disorder. It’s common to feel slightly nervous in social situations, but a disorder might be present if social situations cause overwhelming distress and interfere with various aspects of your life.

The good news is that depression and anxiety are highly treatable disorders. Most people gain relief with a combination of medication and counseling. You should meet with a mental health professional who will evaluate your symptoms and determine what might be wrong. Treatment could provide you with a great deal of relief. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Scare Women Away

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a U.S. soldier: First off… I would specifically like this question to be answered by a woman, if possible. I am 34 years old, and have been struggling with a mental thought for years now (since I was 15). It drains me of my self esteem, it causes me to breath heavily when I encounter it, I’m afraid to travel, or even go on vacation. It’s my encounter with women.

I always seem to get either a horrible beastly face, or like they purposely look away from me. Its worst when there are a group of them. Im not an ugly man, in fact I am pretty hansome, and a beautiful body. Im married to a very beautiful woman who tells me almost everyday that I’m beautiful, but I still struggle with this, because I’ve travelled all over the world, and I get the same reaction from women.

Can you please once and for all, explain this for me, or even give me some exercises to overcome this, as Im tired of living like this. I need freedom from this, it is really starting to drain me.

Have you ever heard the expression “You get what you expect”? I have a guess that is what’s going on here. It’s impossible to know when this started or why. But I think you may have run into a couple of tactless women who weren’t interested in you and then you developed an idea that you aren’t attractive. The cause is now lost in the mists of the past. But that cause, whatever it was, doesn’t have to inform the future.

First. Listen to your wife. Hers is the only female opinion that matters anyway. She thinks you are beautiful inside and out. Please take a hard look at why you find it necessary to be attractive to other women when the woman you love thinks you’re the best thing going.

That being said: If you need to feel like you can attract women in order to feel good about yourself, here are a few surefire steps:

  1. Observe people who seem to be what you want to be. Note how they stand and move, what they talk about, their facial expressions, and generally how they make themselves approachable.
  2. Copy them. That’s right — be a copycat. Imitation is a form of flattery. It’s also a way to “try on” different behaviors. Try it and see whether being more approachable is really what you want.
  3. Practice makes permanent. Practice those skills at least a couple of times a day. At first it will feel artificial but you will get the hang of it.

Please — Be careful about what you wish for. Think about what you will do if a woman responds to your new persona. Take care of your marriage.

Frankly, I think there are better attributes to hang your self-esteem on — like being kind, honest, a good husband and father, and a positive member of your community. Beauty is, after all, only skin deep.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Shouldn’t I Be Better After Years of Therapy?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Argentina: I have had symptoms of depression ever since I was 12, after a whole childhood of struggling with behavioral issues and being bullied. I think about suicide everyday, even though I’ve never attempted it. I honestly think I’m useless and have no future ahead of me. There is nothing I feel I’m good at or that I really enjoy. Every day, focusing on my studies seems to require more and more will power.

I’ve recently graduated from college, but I have never had a paying job. I feel unskilled or under qualified for literally any job. I live with my parents and siblings and I have no friends.

I have gone to therapy since I was 14, hoping to grow some self-confidence and to dare begin talking to people again after the trauma of bullying. I haven’t stopped my treatment since then, and it mostly focuses on finding things I like about myself and taking some importance away from the things that make me wish I didn’t exist. But even though I made progress at the beginning, the last 2 years took me back to where I started. And I just can’t talk myself into believing that anything good my therapist says about me actually counts.

This makes me wonder why I’m still depressed after so many years of professional help. Shouldn’t I be better by now? Am I doing something wrong? Could it be that a part of me actually WANTS to stay depressed? Is it me just being an immature attention-seeker who doesn’t want to grow up?

Please don’t minimize your experiences. I understand your frustration. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling better than this.

The place to start is with your current therapist. Have you shared your discouragement with her? It may be time for your therapist to change the focus or the method of her treatment. If that doesn’t help, do consider seeking a “second opinion”. It may be that a different approach all together would be helpful.

I don’t think more affirmations from your therapist will help. I do think some cognitive-behavioral therapy to change your own thinking about yourself might be more effective.

In addition, some direct personal work on building up your self-esteem may re-energize your treatment. The secret to gaining more self-esteem is to stop thinking about it and start doing worthwhile things. If you wait until you feel better to start your life, it probably won’t happen. But if you start doing things that matter, the successes will help you feel much better, which will give you more energy to do more.

If you don’t feel ready for a paying job, then by all means find a volunteer position. Doing good work makes people feel good. An added bonus is that it will help you get used to a more structured day and will give you an entry for a resume. Thoughtful volunteering will also help you experiment with different kinds of work. Being appreciated for what you contribute will add to your feelings of self-worth.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me or Why

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I was fine until 7th grade ended, and then its like my memory jump skips to constantly being worried and miserable.
When I was going through 8th grade I reached a point were I decided to work on what was bothering me so I could be better, but thats when I realized I had no idea what was bothering me. Looking back before all of this started though I’m not sure if I ever was fine, when I was younger I never considered any other kids to be my friend really, a lot of adults though.
I did eventually move to a place were I kinda grew comfortable with everyone, and while I used to consider that time to be the peak of my life, looking back there were still flags then to. Im not exactly sure when, but between 2nd and 5th grade I developed maladaptive daydreaming, and while I felt fine for some reason little me felt compelled to feel emotional pain, I used to purposefully seek out depressing content to put myself in a bad mood, I honestly still kind of do this. During this time I developed a crush in which I became obsessively and honestly kind of creepily attached to him which drove him away from me in the long run,(this repeated in 7th).
Anyways after 5th grade I moved away from that place to somewhere else, I got adjusted and made new friends and everything seemed fine until 7th grade ended. Going into 8th I originally had hope, I hoped I go back and I’d fall back into the old groove of things and everything would be fine, but when I got back it was just more issues.
I didn’t trust anyone, every time I was with my friends I just felt alone, and I figured they probably wanted me gone so they could actually have a good time. My anxiety, (that was previously nonexistent), was at its peak, i’d have shooting pains, hypnic jerks, and would frequently fall into states of depersonalization/derealization. I finally came to the conclusion that the way to stop hurting, was to stop caring.
I’d repeatedly tell myself, “I don’t care about anything, I don’t care about anyone”, in hopes that I would believe it, I’m not sure if that had any effect on me, but after 8th grade ended I just stopped caring. I still had symptoms of anxiety and depression, but they were no longer manifesting themselves into physical symptoms. I still felt unwanted by my group of friends so I just stopped hanging out with them. I wouldn’t say I felt happy, but I wasn’t miserable, I was just kind of done I think.
Going into high school I still didn’t really have any friends because I was to scared to talk to anyone, and when they made an effort to talk to me, all I could think in response to there advances were one word answers. I started to grow more fearful of the future as I realized that my childhood was running out and I had no idea what I want to do with my life. I know people say “pursue a career in your interests” but nothing interests me. If I could truly do anything in life, I’d find a secluded area from everyone so I could listen to music and be alone to my fantasy world.
I guess that’s kind of were i am now, done, and fearful of the future. I can recognize that not all my thoughts are correct and 90% of the bad things that im convinced everyone feels about me, are probably caused by my anxiety, but even being actively aware of that I still don’t feel any different.
I just hope that someday I can be normal, I fear that all I’ll have to remember my teenage years, is me sitting alone in my room listening to music. I wish I could go to social outings and take risks, and have new experiences, and I realize for that to happen I have to take the initiative, but everytime I get handed a chance to do those things I shy away from them because in the moment that all sounds like a terrible idea to me because I much rather be left alone, and its not until later that I regret it.
A part of me wonders if this all karma, and I’m actually a bad person, or a narcissist thats suffering the consequences of her actions.

There are other certainties in life besides death and taxes. Chief among them is emotional pain. No matter how charmed a life anyone leads, suffering is inevitable from time to time. We should expect it and develop the tools to endure it. It also helps to have a supportive group of people in your life who can serve as a buffer for the more difficult times.

The teenage years are especially difficult. You’re experiencing that now. Ask virtually anyone about their teenage years and invariably, unless their memory is faulty, they’ll be able to relate to what you’re going through. There were many ups and downs in life.

You mentioned feeling bad about yourself because you don’t know what you want to do with your life. It’s impossible to know what you want to do with the rest of your life at such a young age. It takes a great deal of time, exploration and effort to know what you want to do. At your age, it’s unrealistic to think that you should know how you want to occupationally spend the next half-century or longer. You’re too young to make such a major decision. Take the pressure off.

You should try many things. You should read up on many things. You should explore many ideas. Job shadow people who are working in careers that you think would be interesting. Be open-minded and never think that you’re supposed to know things before you’re ready.

You should consider discussing these matters with the school guidance counselor. Vocational tests can help to narrow down your interests.

You may not know what you want to do with the rest of your life for a while and that’s okay. It’s perfectly acceptable and normal. Take your time, do your research and don’t make a decision prematurely. Most college students change their majors, often dramatically so.

I have worked with people who didn’t think too much about what they wanted to do for their careers and simply chose based on what their parents wanted or what they thought they should do. These individuals were often miserable in life because of this.

I see a similar thing occurring among students. They chose a major prematurely because they felt pressured to choose because our culture suggests you “should” know. Sometimes, even when they realize they’ve chosen the wrong major, they stick with it because in their minds, it’s too late to start over. Then they graduate with a degree in a field that they have no interest in and now they’re stuck. It would have been far better for them to have taken their time and explored all areas and only had made a choice when they were ready. Few things are more important than choosing your career. Take your time and don’t feel pressure to decide prematurely.

You mentioned anxiety. Anxiety is a highly treatable condition. I would strongly urge you to contact an in-person therapist. All of the issues that you have described in your letter are amenable to counseling. It could make all the difference. Give it a try. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Fear of Relationship Future

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

First of all I want to say sorry if I don’t write in English well.
I am 26 years old and have been friend with my boyfriend when I was 21(5years). He is 6 months older than me.
We have a good relationship and love each other bud I am worry about future.
He never ever talks about the future of our relationship. About 2 years ago when we were talking I asked him what do you think about our future? He answered “I don’t think about marrying yet so don’t think about marrying with you too! We decided to talk about future next year (last year). The time passed but he never told anything about that….. 1 month ago I said I don’t want be closer with you because I am 26 years old and in gold age if we want be separate from each other (I mean finishing friendship) it will be to hard and I don’t want to make it harder. He only says breaking up with you will be really hard to me too! And confirmed what I said about my age… I said you don’t think about what I said 2 years ago, he said ohhhhh I think about it too much but you are right I should tell you what I think. I couldn’t continue talking because should go to home. I was waiting he say something after that but day passed after day he did not say even one word!! And our friendship is continuing…I said we have a really good relationship and both of us effort to building it.i guess one of the reasons he doesn’t talk about future he don’t want to make any Commitment to prevent from conscience torment in future. I feel angry and concerned. Someone heard my story and told me he has not stability in his life yet and we he become stable will understand a girls he want is not you and will leave you…!!! I cant decide what should I do, I really love him but I cant be undecided anymore…he doesn’t ask me for more time even! Maybe I have never been serious about this subject and he thinks I wont leave him….I really need your help…please tell me what should I do near keeping my self-esteem .thanks a lot.

If a long-term relationship is what you want with a marriage commitment then I would be very clear about this and have the discussion about each of your expectations. Find out what he is hoping for in this relationship – and be clear about what you want. Relationships are difficult to maneuver even when goals and intentions are clear, and in your situation there is a need for greater clarity about the direction each of you is looking for. Only then can you determine where the future potential in the relationship lies.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is My Mother’s Behavior Normal?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Romania: My parents are divorced, my father had problems with drinking and was very violent towards my mother (not towards me, but I witnessed his violence towards her many times growing up), however she tried to fight for the family. They got divorced after 25 years and she came to live with me.

She was always overly protective of me, always saying no one else loves me like she does. She said she can stay anywhere else, but she wants to stay with me until I get married, to take care of me (I am 30 years old).

I once mentioned to her that I would like to buy her an apartment so I could live alone and she got very very upset, started crying, calling me all kinds of stuff. Right now I moved in with my boyfriend (she disapproves of him).

However I just wanted to ask if her behavior is normal? Fighting with her makes me feel like I am worthless. Sometimes even talking with her, she always says I deserve better and no one else will love me or take care of me like she does. Those are nice words but they make me feel like, except for her I won’t be loved by anyone else.

Your mother’s words are not “nice”. They are manipulative. I’m guessing that she is terrified of living on her own. Instead of dealing with her own dependence on you, she has worked to make you feel dependent on her! She has been chipping away at your self-esteeem for years so you won’t leave her.

You are not unlovable. You have a boyfriend who loves you and wants to be with you. I imagine that it hurts him a lot that you don’t embrace his love. He may even resent it that you question his judgment in loving you.

Fighting with your mother is unlikely to get you anywhere. Her dependence on you isn’t rational. You can’t reason or fight someone out of irrational thinking. You need to shift the conversation to what is real: Her fear living by herself.

What you may be able to do, if you can keep calm, is to gently ask her what you can do to help her be less afraid of being on her own. She probably won’t like it that you finally see what’s going on. She may try to provoke another fight.

Don’t fall for it! Stay calm. Let her know you love her but you are an adult and need to get on with your life. So does she. If she continues to provoke, tell her as lovingly as possible that you do love her, but that you won’t participate in shouting matches about the lie that you are unlovable. Tell her that when she is willing to talk about next steps for both of you, without putting you down, you will be glad to do it. Then calmly leave.

The manipulative behavior has gone on for a very long time. It will take time to change it. But if you are persistent and kind, you may be able to establish a more adult to adult relationship with your mother.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Are Casual Suicidal Thoughts Normal?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Venezuela: So, the thing is… I have occasional suicidal thoughts that kinda have been going on and off since I a child, but since I’ve been more stressed lately they’d become more frequent.

I wasn’t a depressed child (quite the contrary tbh), but I blamed myself for my parents’ constant arguing (I did till the end of middle school) and every time they fought I would wonder/believe if I hadn’t been born they would have been happy without me and I tried to smother myself a couple of time with a pillow and even more rarely would (softly) bang my head against the wall. I was scared to die and pain tbh. But this is as far as “self-harm” (if you even can call it that, that’s as far I ever went).

Since then the suicidal thoughts have been going on and off. I don’t even know when exactly I decided that that one still in-construction building would be the ideal (high enough to low chance of survival with a permanent injury which is what truly terrifies me, far enough to give a chance to regret it on your way there, and deserted enough to be left alone) (though chocking have taking more prevalence recently). At that point, I worried more about the economic consequences of having to pay for a funeral for my family if I died or the case of failing and having to ling with a chronic injury (+ having to pay hospital bill).

The thing is that despite all that It ever felt like an off-handed idea and not something I would ever actually do, but recently the suicidal thought have become more frequent.

And I know(/think?) it has something to do with the fact I’ve been stressed with the University. I feel like my life lack of direction: I not sure of what to do with it. I don’t really know if I like what I’m studying, or what I like at all for that matter. I sometimes feel like a complete failure. I was that “golden child”: good notes, good behavior, promising, but In ever feel comfortable being recognized that way because I was always low-key terrified that someday the would see what is coming to afloat today: That I’m nothing of that. That I never was. I feel like I’m regretting all my life decisions and the what-ifs are becoming more common (yohooo, mid-life crisis at 19. yey).

And I don’t feel depressed in my day-to-day life or hopeless, I’m quite the out-going, cheerful type, but I feel like the days go by in a blur. I don’t know how to express it exactly but is like there nothing noteworthy in them. I can’t even remember 90% of what I cheerfully discuss with people. Everything is just small chit-chat, but if amenable and not bad enough to justify suicidal thoughts. I don’t think I wanna kill myself, but since my life is not getting any direction and things just will be more stress in the future I’m worrying that these “casual” suicidal thoughts will become more frequent, and stop being “casual” but a thing I would rather start considering.

Sorry for the rant: I really don’t know where I’m going with this tbh. I suppose that I just wanted to let it out, at least a little of it. There’s still so much in my head, like for example the feeling that I sometimes don’t know if I genuinely sometimes feel like this or like I’m not quite right; or if I’m just being an edgy attention-craving bitch pushing these feeling onto myself because I want to make something about me noteworthy (Which is funny because this is the first time I put this in to words).

There is also sometimes the feeling that sabotaging myself. Or the feeling that I rarely can get way too hyped/excited and become loud and only loosely in control of my actions/words, that everything goes outta my mouth before it even has the chance of make a stop by the brain station.

Anyway, maybe if just that. That I’m pushing things onto myself and overthinking everything to justify the fact that I sometimes things there is something wrong with me.

Gosh, this “ask” is a mess.

Actually, it’s not a mess. It’s a good reflection of how you are feeling, which is kind of “messy”. A couple of things: First, your feelings as a child during your parents’ fights is very usual. Kids often blame themselves. It is thought that children do this in order to feel like they have some control of the situation. If they are at fault, they think, then all they have to do is be better kids and the parents will stop fighting. That isn’t the case, of course. But lots of kids think that way, at least for a while.

Casual thoughts of suicide are not uncommon at your stage of life. You are confronting lots of big, big questions and what feel like big, big decisions. It is especially common in kids who have been repeatedly told they have “great potential”. At some point, being young with potential runs out and the potential has to be realized. For many young people, that is frightening indeed. For them, thoughts of suicide are not really about wanting to die. But since they can’t find immediate answers or relief from the stress, they think about it as a way out of the situation.

I once knew a group of teens who would say “I want to kill myself” as casually as others talk about the weather. They didn’t want to die. They were expressing how overwhelming or difficult a situation might be, whether it was a major homework paper that was due, trouble with a boyfriend or a car that needed repair. The phrase shocked the adults around them but, for that group, it had become better than 4-letter words to express their frustrations and upsets.

Of course, a much better solution than threatening to jump off a building is to get some therapy if you can or to talk to someone older and wiser. A therapist can help you bring those problems and decisions down to a manageable size and can provide you with needed support while you work on them. If you can’t see a therapist, consider talking with a teacher, coach another adult you know to be a supportive helper for teens.

In the meantime, consider joining one of the forums here at LifeHelper. If you can’t find one you think is appropriate to your situation, form one. The forums are not run by professionals. People like you contribute advice and support for each other as they deal with a common problem.

I wish you well,

Dr. Marie

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I Have an Unattractive Personality But I Like My Personality, Which Is Why I Feel Hopeless

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 18 and have never had a romantic experience of any sort and never came close to having such an experience either. I know it’s atypical and that destroys me emotionally with the kind of insecurities that it causes me to have.

I think it is in part because of the fact that I am overweight but I’ve lost a lot of weight and have been able to keep it off, so it’s not much of an issue for me anymore. I’m way more confident in my looks now, even though I’d still have to lose a little more weight. I’m optimistic about it. Anyways, I am sure it has a lot to do with who I am as a person. I’m generally nice to anybody, I try to make people laugh and feel good but I’m also very rational and analytical and focus on the negative side of the situation a lot of the time—because that’s what I wanna change, so I feel it’s constructive to point out what’s not working. I have no grace and barely any femininity in general. I don’t dance, I barely flirt, I don’t begin conversations with strangers or, in other words, I don’t even seem available. Not because I wouldn’t want to but because all of the things that incidentally make me seem so I simply hate doing. My two main interests are also rather uncommon: politics and philosophy. I like who I am but I don’t think guys are attracted to that and I’m not entitled to being liked, I know, but it still bothers me. I know they like me in a way, since I get along well to very well with 3 of the guys I’ve ever wanted to be with (There have been only four so far) but they’re never interested in me in any other way. It confuses me because I seem to like people who are similar to me but I guess they’re never similar enough to like people similar to them or maybe there is something else wrong here.

I don’t know how to cope with who I am anymore since I like it but it makes me feel very unwanted. I tried to hear other opinions in hopes I might be wrong but I think all the arguments that came my way were poor and only made me more certain of my position. (From Romania)

 I deeply appreciate the angst combined with the desire to make things better. I wouldn’t try to change your personality as much as I would try to find like-minded people with similar interests. My advice? Dive into the things you are interested in. Find the groups and clubs and classes that allow you to be more of who you are. Doing this often allows people to be attracted to one another. We tend to enjoy people who share our interests.

Capitalize on your character strengths — not what you are lacking. I’d encourage you to take the VIA character survey for your age group and strive to use your top strengths. This should allow you to be more authentically you, which is typically very attractive.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m Tired of Thinking My Life Is a Waste

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Well, here it goes:

I hate myself and don’t like most people. I’ve pushed my friends away/out of my life. I feel I can’t talk to my own family about my real feelings. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship in 20 years (since high school), which only magnifies my self-loathing. I have zero self-confidence. I’m in a career that pours machismo, which I have none. Most every day I have thoughts of the “s” word, and this has been consistent since Jr. High.

My social anxiety has spiraled to the point where I never leave the house (I peer through the window before I even get the mail or take out the trash). No social media because my heart beats out of my chest making a simple comment. It feels like the universe throws every possible obstacle in my path. I always end up feeling worse.

These are just a few of a long list of issues I grapple with every day. I tried to drink away my feelings during my 20’s which culminated in a 30-day stint in rehab by age 32. I have not had a drink since and I don’t take drugs, other than smoking weed since age 13.

I fear antidepressants because I don’t want to become dependent. On past doctor visits, even though it was on the tip of my tongue, I was too embarrassed to ask about depression. But I feel I’m at my wits end, which has led me to create an account and “ask a therapist”. The only thing I feel is in my favor is an incredibly strong sense of empathy towards everything, especially animals. Crazy, right?

Nope. Not crazy. Probably you are suffering from depression as well as social anxiety.

Stop kidding yourself, please. Yes, you are taking a drug. The weed isn’t helping you one bit. In fact, although it may make you feel a bit better, it is probably contributing to the problem.

You already know that you need help. That’s why you wrote to us. Now please follow your own good instincts and get the help you need and deserve. Start with a complete medical check up to make sure there isn’t an undiagnosed medical issue that is part of the problem. Do be honest about how often you are smoking weed.

Then ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed therapist. The first thing that will happen is a thorough evaluation. Then you and the therapist will talk about the therapist’s recommendations.

Medication may or may not be recommended, but it is at least something to talk about. (A course of prescribed medication will probably do more for you than marijuana.) But even more important will be getting to the root of your feelings and providing you support to take the necessary steps to change your life.

Please follow through. You are only in your 30s. You can have decades of good life ahead of you if you take care of yourself by getting the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How to End an Inappropriate Relationship?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I developed an emotional attachment to a man at my gym after he showed a lot of interest in me and I eventually decided to return the interest. We became extremely attached to each other, he was very intense emotionally. We did not get to know each other slowly, the emotions drove our relationship. Over the weeks and months, as I saw him more often at the gym and interacted with him I noted that he was not making any move to take our relationship furthur in spite of our growing attachment and that he seemed very emotional to me, kind of up and down. We looked for each other all the time and I was wondering when he would take the next step. When he didn’t I realized he must be married, which was a shocker to me as he became very attached to me and displayed intense emotions of all sorts. I could not handle the not going forward and the growing sense that he was partly toying with me. Sometimes he would get angry with me if I tried to pull away from him, other times he would get angry if I tried to get too close. His emotions and behaviour seemed genuine, but quite intense. He displayed changeable,sometimes strange facial expressions it seemed to me, at times. The times he would distance himself from me he would have a strange look in his eyes of what seemed to be hatred or loathing, as if I had done something wrong. It became a toxic dance & my self-esteem suffered. I broke contact and he was very angry and hurt the last time I saw him at the gym because he knew I was ending our contact for good. Hindsight tells me he was abusive to me emotionally & I deserved to be treated honestly & with respect. I have avoided him these past months while trying to recover emotionally, and will continue to avoid him. What is your advice on what I should do if I ever come face to face with him at the gym again? Ignore him and leave? I have done some research and think this man may have Borderline Personality Disorder. All his behaviours fit,the push/pull dynamic. On top of this I do believe he’s married! Do you think him seeing me may cause him great emotional distress? I myself have suffered emotionally and certainly do not want to run into him. Thanks for any tips.

You’ve done well to pull yourself out of an intense but inappropriate relationship. As you know, it doesn’t matter what diagnosis he might carry. Your entanglement with him was a mutually toxic dance. My advice? You live in a large city with a gym probably on almost every block. Join a different gym! Yes. I know. You shouldn’t have to give up a place where you’re comfortable because he’s there. But your letter indicates to me that you don’t trust yourself to remain neutral when you see him. Leaving the gym you like isn’t about letting him win. It’s about saving your own emotional life. Learn what you can from the experience and move out to move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Live with Emotional Abuse?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

current_problem: From a teen in Indonesia: i get an overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness from time to time. i had a severe case of this several years ago, which i thought i moved on from. I thought i had taught myself to get through things like this.

I’m in a house that feels like a prison. i used to be physically abused, but they (parents) stopped, apologized and turned into emotional abuse. sometimes they still threatened to hit me if “that’s what it takes”. in any circumstance, i cannot leave the house. I’m not financially capable of going to college somewhere else. i just needed to be away from them, but in no way i can’t.

they are overbearing and don’t let me hang out much. i can rationalize myself and try to shield the negativity, but its breaking down really quick over the years. everything disgusts me, if they call my name of touch me.

i don’t talk to anybody else about this. sometimes people disgust me too. not always, but sometimes there is a moment where i am disgusted. i have friends, can be sociable and fun when i have better days, but i generally dont like anybody nor do i feel like anybody likes me. sometimes i feel an overwhelming sadness that i distract myself with my hurting myself, not too bad but enough so I’d be distracted. sometimes when im sad and i hear laughter outside of my room, my parents and my sister, i just feel a mix of unpleasant emotions i cant describe. ive tried a lot of things. ive thought myself to breathe, search for a distraction, talk to myself or write what i feel. but sometimes i just can’t. i dont get exactly what is wrong with me. i just feel like i need something to get by. how do i get by in a household like this on my own?

From what you report, I’m not at all sure the problem is where you are living. The fact that you don’t like anyone and feel that others don’t like you suggests that the problem is as much inside you. It sounds like the years of abuse may have resulted in an internalized negative self-esteem and maybe depression.

Blaming your parents at this point may make you feel better, but it won’t make things better for you. Blaming others for being disgusting may be a projection of your feelings about yourself. Meditation or breathing may help relieve the immediate distress, but they don’t get down to the root issues.

If possible, I think you would benefit from seeing a counselor for awhile. I think you may need to work through the enduring effects of the early abuse. You need to develop the positive self-esteem necessary to feel generally good about yourself and to feel worthy of social relationships.

Look into whether your college has counselors available. If not, there may be counselors in your community or online whose fees are affordable. Lacking any of those options, do purchase a workbook or two on self-esteem and discipline yourself to do the suggested activities. You might also benefit from participating in one of the online forums here on Psych Central. People with similar problems offer each other support and advice.

Meanwhile: Limit your interactions with your family. You don’t need to fight about it. Fighting will only make you feel worse. At 18, it is only appropriate and normal for you to be spending less time with family and more time developing your own life.

Take better care of yourself and your relationships outside the house. Just do your assignments in the library or an empty classroom. See friends for breakfast or lunch or between classes. Consider getting an evening part-time job if you can. That would keep you out of the house and would also give you money to save for an eventual place of your own.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Living Too Much in a Fantasy World?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a lot of issues; please help me. I don’t even know where to start. I’m a 16 year old male living in New York. I am extremely shy and beat myself up over every mistake I’ve made. I literally see a mental picture of myself being punched, slapped, abused, shot, decapitated, multilated, head crushed with a building, etc. I feel deeply offended when criticized, I don’t “hang out” with my peers and feel inferior to them, never been to a party or other social gathering, I feel others are always judging me and they remember every mistake I’ve ever made even though it’s illogical to think so, I’ve never had a girlfriend, I find it hard to trust others, and my only escape is fantasies I indulge in while I’m alone.

I don’t leave my room and apartment unless I have to (school, for example). I do speak to and know people at school, but I don’t view them as “friends.” The only “person” I feel is a true friend is my stuffed animal — a puppy. I’ve created a personality for him, and he’s the only one I trust enough to talk to. I don’t talk to my parents. There have been times where I feel suicidal and Puppy always comforts me and tells me everything will be okay. I do have an exit plan in case things get too rough for me to handle or if something happens to Puppy. I do not think I can live without him.

I’ve been told I’m witty, clever, and humorous. The jokes I make are usually self-degrading but made in such a way that does not raise any red flags. I justify my lonliness by telling others “Disregard females; acquire currency.” But in reality, I hate being lonely. I devote 100% of my time to my studies in hopes of earning enough money to maybe give me more self esteem.

When I have too much free time, I think. I look back on my life and analyze different events that shaped me to who I am. Here is what I have concluded: I was constantly being picked on during elementary school because I was Chinese and because of the way I dressed, and people called me “chino.” Even other Asians picked on me for no apparent reason. I remember thinking to myself “Why don’t people like me?” My mom taught to not fight and just take insults as they come, and I did. Every day I just sat there and took insult after insult. One day I read in a book that the word “chino” meant “chinese” in spanish. When the next person called me chino at school, I said to him “Yea? so what?” I saw the confused look on his face and that’s probably how my sense of humor started. I realized I had the power to throw their insults back at them by turning them into a joke. Over time, this turned into self-degrading jokes and acts such as spitting on myself in order to gross out and scare away the bullies.

In middle school, I got in trouble for a joke I made and I was forced to see the counselor for a week. My parents didn’t know. After that, I toned down my jokes. In the 7th grade, I had just gotten a haircut (I hated every single one of my haircuts.) and was feeling more self-conscious than I usually was. On my way to band class, and to my surprise, this random girl came and gave me a hug. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I just stood there with my arms by my side like a statue while she hugged me. I didn’t hug her back. Over time, I had grown to like her. I was infatuated with her, but I didn’t know at the time, silly me thought it was “love.” A year later, overcoming my fear of rejection, I asked her out. Instead of giving me a solid yes or no, she said maybe. This “maybe” kept me in her grips for the better half of the year before my infatuation ended and I was able to rationally think again. By that time, the hugs have stopped. As the year went on, I noticed that she did what she did to me with every guy. Hug them, get close to them, a few months later move on to others. Rinse and repeat. After that, I promised myself to never get close to another female again. The emotional hell and drama just wasn’t worth it.

After graduating middle school and starting High School, I had become very cold and logical. Or atleast I tried. I acted like an a**hole for lack of a better term. I justified pushing others away by saying it was more trouble than it was worth; love is just a bunch of chemicals being pushed around in my brain. By Sophomore year, I let down some of the walls I built up and attempted to socialize. I still didn’t do the whole hanging out thing and my weekends were spent in front of a computer as always, but my social network got bigger. We helped each other when in need, but I still didn’t view them as friends and I certainly didn’t trust them enough to tell them what I’m wrting here now.

I am now a Junior, and my workload has more than tripled when compared to Freshman year. I’m majoring in Computer Science and am pushing myself with 3 college level courses and a monday-friday after school program doing computer work. I’ve become stressed out this year and I find myself indulging in my fantasies a lot more. The summer before my Junior year began, I found an anime on the Internet called Spice and Wolf. I was never much of an anime fan, but I watched a few episodes and became infatuated with the female character, Horo. Every time I lay on my bed, I retreat into my fantasy world where I’m holding her in my arms and everything is perfect.

I know she’s not real and a relationship with a cartoon character is impossible, but I feel happy when I’m in my fantasy world. Also, I think I may be addicted to self-loathing and the happiness feeling generated when I’m in my fantasy. Whenever I feel depressed and begin contemplating suicide, there’s this weird feeling I can only describe as black goo starting at my heart and spreading to the rest of my body. As it spreads, I feel a rush and I begin crying. As I cry, those mental images of self-hurt mentioned in the beginning come back again and I feel worthless. Those images and feelings trigger another “black-goo rush.” and it lasts for almost an hour. I feel the same rush when I’m in my fantasy cuddling with Horo except instead of black goo, I feel a light, “brown” sensation that spreads from my heart. Then, instead of crying, I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness and I’m actually smiling. I fear I may be addicted to these two feelings of intense sadness and intense happiness. I fear I may be wh*ring for attention and feeding my ego when this happens. For example, something bad but insignificant might happen and I’ll start beating myself up over it until I feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread which will trigger the black goo rush. As for the intense happiness, I find myself saying “Horo and Puppy will always be here for you” whenever I feel lonely and I begin to dive back into my fantasy.

No one knows anything of what I just wrote. There are only 2 people on the planet that I trust enough to say this to while not anonymous like I am right now; myself and Puppy.

One last thing, whenever I’m in my depression cycles I analyze my life and what I wrote about my early life leading up to this point is what I have concluded to be the cause of my social awkwardness and loneliness.

Please help me. I don’t know if I’m coming off as arrogant or attention seeking, but I really can’t see myself being capable of having a girlfriend, or even being alive to see my High School graduation to be honest. I need help.

It must be frightening to not be able to trust anyone enough to ask for help. Not only is that frightening but it is a very lonely feeling. Clearly, you are struggling with multiple issues, most notably depression and suicidal ideation. I am glad that you decided to write because it gives me a chance to possibly shed light on your situation and to offer you hope.

Please know that this is not a hopeless situation. Actually, the opposite is true. You can be helped. Yes, there are issues to deal with but as you mentioned, this is the first time you have let anyone know that you need help. The fact is that by writing this letter you have begun the process of seeking help. In the grand scheme of things, writing an anonymous letter is only a small step in the process, but it is a step nonetheless.

You seem to be experiencing depression and suicidal ideation. You feel that there is little or no hope for you. You have a great deal of difficulty interacting with others, to the point where you completely avoid it and have created a fantasy world. In this fantasy world, you feel safe. You can be yourself without fear of what others might think of you. It’s a freeing feeling, which may even be addicting. That might explain why you increasingly find yourself reverting to the fantasy world. Psychologically, it’s a safe haven for you and thus you allow yourself increasingly more often to enter this realm. The increase in frequency may be psychologically preferable to you but it is problematic. It’s okay to daydream; we all do it from time to time, but the fear is that eventually you will not be able to “bring yourself back” from your fantasy world and that you will lose touch with reality completely. To lose touch with reality is to be psychotic.

I do not want to alarm you, but I would strongly advise you to seek help from a therapist immediately. This is the next step in the process. Writing a letter is the first step. Asking for help and presenting your situation to a mental health professional, face-to-face, are the next necessary steps. I strongly recommend therapy because you are struggling with serious issues and your way of handling the situation is to slip into a fantasy world. The danger is, as I mentioned above, that you will be unable to return to reality. I worry this might happen to you and that is why you should consider talking to a therapist about these issues. He or she could address these issues and teach you new skills that will equip you to live in the “real world.” Remember, the fantasy world is not real. It is made up of imaginary people, places and ideas. It is okay to fantasize and to use your imagination, but not to the point where you feel compelled to escape into fantasy because you fear reality.

The biggest concern, of course, is that you are depressed and suicidal. That makes it all the more important that you seek help immediately.

If you are not sure how to speak to your parents about this, then give them this letter and my response. If you do not want go to your parents, then give this letter to a school counselor or school official. If you believe that you might harm yourself or someone else, call emergency services immediately or take yourself to an emergency room. Lastly, if you are feeling overwhelmed or confused, call 800-273-8255 to speak to a counselor trained to deal with suicidal thoughts. It is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis.

One last thing: you wrote at the end of your letter that you know you need help. You have a strong sense that something is wrong. The good news is that everything you wrote about is treatable, but it requires that you ask for help. I understand that you may be frightened but please know that getting help is nothing to fear. Millions of people are helped by mental health professionals and it changes their lives for the better. Good luck.

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Can I change who I am?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

For so long I’ve really felt like I couldn’t define myself, and it contributed to depersonalization and other problems. Now looking at it I see it’s not that i can’t define myself, it’s that my definition of myself is the opposite of what i want to be. I am cautious, yet want to be adventurous, anxious, yet want to be mellow, inflexible while wanting to be adaptive, realistic while wanting the ambition realism cannot support, isolative and self-supporting while I’d rather be reliant on people if it meant I would be social, and more. I know who I am, and I know who I want to be, but the only things left uncontradicted are not any thing important. Can I change who I am to fit how I want to be, and if so, please aid me with a detailed description of how it is even possible. I really need this. If it means anything, self esteem also plays a big part.

You’ve clearly given this a lot of thought. Good for you! All things are possible — including reinventing yourself. I can’t give you a full program in a forum like this one but I can give you a few ways to get started.

  1. Don’t underestimate the things you think are unimportant. Everyone has to start somewhere. The qualities that are solid (what you called “uncontradictable”) form a base to work from. They may seem minor to you but they do provide a foundation for what you build next.
  2. Do work on that self-esteem. It’s hard to do a self-improvement program if you don’t appreciate your own good qualities. I suggest you find at least a couple things each day to appreciate about yourself. Positives produce more positives. It’s a fact. In our article 6 Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem we state, “Boiled down to its simplicity, self-esteem simply means appreciating yourself for who you are — faults, foibles and all. It seems like other cultures don’t grapple with self-esteem as much as Americans do, perhaps because of the emphasis we seem to put on materialistic indicators of self-worth (like what kind of car you drive, what school your kids attend, what your grades are, how big a house you have, or what your title is at work). The difference between someone with a healthy or good self-esteem and someone who doesn’t isn’t ability, per se. It’s simply acknowledgement of your strengths and weaknesses, and moving through the world safe in that knowledge.”
  3. Choose the two or three changes you want most to make. Think hard about what someone would be like who has those qualities. Picture yourself doing them. Picture it in detail. Would you stand, sit, or walk differently? Would you change anything about the way you dress or present yourself in the world? Would you need to know more about something? Got the picture? Now – act as if you were already there. Do it as much as you can for at least three weeks, maybe four. This is like trying on a new pair of jeans to see if they fit. Act “as if” until you either feel comfortable in the new role or you decide that maybe it isn’t what you had in mind after all.

In case you’re skeptical: These things really do work. Give it a try.

If you don’t have a good support system, you might also want to get into therapy for awhile in order to have someone in your corner to talk to and to get feedback from. It never hurts to have some unqualified support when we’re trying to do something challenging.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know Who to Tell

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: I’m 15 and I have a lot of issues which I fail at dealing with them in a good manner. I’m in school right now, but I’ve been afraid to go for the past week. My mom is out of the country but will be back soon so I’m home alone. My dad lives near me in a different house.
I’ve been getting in to a low mood and it’s hurting really bad and I want to tell someone so that I can get some help. I am not always in a low mood sometimes super very happy/excited so I think its not a big deal and it will go away soon?
I don’t want to tell my mom because I’ve told her before about one of my low moods and she didn’t take it seriously, and just said everyone goes through it especially teenagers, and i feel she judges me about it and doesn’t care. Even when i was younger i sometimes self injured and when she found out she said only crazy people did that and that i’m better than that(i don’t self harm anymore) So i started listening to her and thinking that. But now its really getting in the way of my work. I was thinking about telling my dad but i rarely see him, and he thinks of me as this happy go lucky girl. I’m also not super close with him and he’s from eastern Europe and has a lot of ideas in his head about things so i don’t know how he will react.
I was thinking of telling my guidance counselors at school, but i don’t want them to tell my parents and i don’t think they care all that much or will get me proper help. I don’t know who to tell.

Your mom is right that most teens go through lots of ups and downs in their feelings but that doesn’t mean they aren’t real. My guess is that finding out you were self-injuring scared her. What you interpreted as her not caring was possibly that she didn’t know what to say. Apparently, you did have some good talks or something because you stopped hurting yourself, but it sounds like you need her to let you know that she loves you and cares about you. She may take it for granted that of course you know she loves you. But sometimes it’s hard for kids to remember that if they don’t hear it. Your mom is out of the country right now which means you are alone with your thoughts and you can’t have a sit down heart to heart with her. I hope she’s returning soon so you can have a serious talk. Please consider showing her your letter and this response as a way to get started.

In the meantime, if you need someone to talk to, you could call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline. Counselors are available 24/7 to talk to teens like you. It’s free and confidential. Their number is: 1-800-448-3000

I wish you well
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Get Over an Inferiority Complex?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Malaysia: I’m Asian and grew up constantly being compared to other people, especially my sister, in terms of grades, achievements, sports and basically everything. The problem was that i bad at everything, even if i were average, it wasn’t good enough at all.

My parents love me no doubt but having that constant judgement of disappointment gave me an inferiority complex where i constantly compare myself to other people. And if I didn’t do the best, doesn’t matter in what, i’ll beat myself up over it(not physically). Always thinking, why am i not as good, always so useless, pathetic and just get annoyed at myself. I have been doing this for so many years to the point where i don’t see any positive point in myself. Whenever i feel like i’m good at something, i just think, “No, you are not, you are nothing compared to the people better than you, who the hell do you think you are?” It has gotten to the point where whenever i make a mistake, I would just burn out from work easily.

When i was about 5 or 6, my sister told me that every compliment that i get was a lie just to make me feel good. So i did a test, I purposely drew something ugly and showed it to my mother, the moment she said it was nice, I believed my sister. Well now, I understand that some compliments are true and genuine but i grew up thinking every compliment is a means nothing and it has still stuck. Because of this, it has been very very difficult for me to be positive to myself.

Whenever I fail at something, it hits me really hard. For days i will just stare at a wall, just having an endless battle in my head, “Why am i so bad”, “I should try harder, but what’s the point if you are going to fail again?” ,”there’s only so many opportunities, any more failure and you will trouble your family”, “I can’t give up!, no you can’t you can’t afford to or you will be a failure”, “aren’t i already one?, etc.

Sorry if this is abit of a long read, but i don’t know what to do anymore

Ralph Waldo Emerson, an important American writer, once said “You are what you think”. It’s true. Negative thoughts only produce more negative thoughts. Arguing with them doesn’t work. Telling yourself not to think them only makes them stronger. (Not thinking about something is thinking about it!) But you can change how you think.

One of the basic skills taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is “cognitive restructuring”. Cognitive Restructuring is a step by step process for changing your thoughts. Very simply, it goes like this:

1) Keep a journal for a few days of all your negative thoughts. Take notes about where you are, who you are with, what’s going on, etc. this is important information.
2) Analyze your information. You may find that certain situations are more likely to produce negativity than others.
3) Look at instances where your thinking is “black and white”. If, for example, you tell yourself that you always fail at something, think of times when you didn’t fail. Write them down!
4) Replace negative thoughts with the contrary information. For example, if you think “I always fail at work”, remind yourself of times when you did a good job.

This will take time and practice. So practice, practice, practice. You have years of negative thinking to undo, so it will take a while to change it. Many people find that having the help and support of a therapist makes the process more efficient.

I also urge you to go on the internet and research ways to transform negative thinking into positive thinking. It’s often reassuring to know you’re not alone in a problem. It’s often helpful to chat with others who are dealing with the same issues.

You are only 18. I’m very, very glad that you’ve identified this as a problem and that you want to fix it. You deserve the time and effort it takes to turn your thinking around so that you can have a long and successful life without constantly worrying about being failure.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Am I Anorexic?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi I’m 15, female, 5’2 and 87. I’m completely obsessed with food. It literally rules my life. I stay up all night thinking and planning what I will eat the next day. I love making food for others but I never eat it. I find it hard to eat over 400 calories a day. I am on my feet every minute I am awake, I never sit down. I workout and exercise also. Not as much as I should. I cancel plans with my friends because I’m afraid they will make me eat or I will be confronted with food. I have constant urges to throw up but I never have. I also self harm by cutting.
I cancel all plans with friends also because I hate being social. I’m a nice person, I just get nervous around other people. I hate staying the night at other peoples’ houses because I have certain routines that I do every day.

I’m constantly sad. Nothing makes me happy. Not even going on vacations or “fun” trips to the mall or amusement park. Being with friends doesn’t make me happy, it just makes me freak out. I constantly think people are judging me. What the heck is wrong with me?? Eating disorder? Anxiety? OCD? Depression? I’ve taken many online quizzes and I’ve scored high on all of the above disorders. I haven’t been to a doctor in over a year, I’m afraid they’ll force me to gain weight and eat. I have insomnia also. Please help. I feel suicidal all the time but I’ve never attempted. I feel like I’m constantly bothering people.

I am sorry that you are suffering. You asked about whether you have anxiety, OCD, depression, or an eating disorder. I cannot know with certainty. What fundamentally seems to be driving your behavior is anxiety and fear.

You also seem to lack self-esteem. You are constantly worried about what other people think of you. You worry that you are “bothering people” which may indicate that you consider yourself unimportant.

You are not functioning well. Your eating or sleeping patterns are unstable and you are experiencing significant mental health symptoms, all of which are disrupting your life. You need help. Receiving help at this time is especially imperative because you admitted that you are considering suicide. People often consider suicide when they feel as though they have no other option or they don’t know what to do.

I would advise you to see a mental health professional. You should also have a physical evaluation by a medical professional to determine what damage your body has sustained. Undergoing those evaluations will help to determine your psychological and physical health status.

Accessing professional mental health treatment is the wisest and most efficient approach to your problems. Asking for help may be difficult but force yourself to do it anyway. There are many people who have had very similar problems, received help and their life has significantly improved. If you are willing to seek professional help, then you can expect the same, positive outcome. There is a great deal of hope if you are willing to seek treatment. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Considering Suicide

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I feel like I am close to possibly killing myself, and I don’t know what to do. I have these disturbing thoughts that had followed me into each night, and now they persist into my waking hours(they are thoughts of my throwing myself down a long flight of stairs, or throwing myself off of a tall building), there are thoughts of hopelessness and despair each and every day.

I am in love with a woman who only thinks of me as a friend, it seems that every woman now only thinks of me ‘as a friend’, I am unemployed with no prospects(but plenty of skills), I have few friends(but plenty of acquaintances), I live in my parents basement(which further destroys my self-esteem). I have not had a genuine sexual encounter with a woman in years.

I am disabled, though no longer seriously. Yet when I was more seriously disabled I had a lot of friends(women didn’t only think of me as a friend), I was working, and I had a descent sex life. I am now growing more and more cynical and untrusting of people(especially single women). I don’t want to be a cynical person, I want to trust people…..but if conditions persist, I fear that my self-loathing will grow.

It seems as if there is little hope for me now, if now that I am more physically capable women treat me as if I am not worthy of being loved, if now that I a more mobile I am not treated as if I am capable of working.

I am currently seeing a therapist, but I am worried that if I tell her about these dire thoughts she may be forced to have me locked up.

I fear for my life.

You are experiencing a difficult time. Virtually everyone can relate to having a similar period in their life. Problems are a part of life. They are inevitable. It is the nature of life. Bad times hit everyone, some not as bad as those you are going through and some much worse.

Life might be difficult now but it would be a mistake to believe that it will always be that way. Your life can improve.

When someone says they are considering suicide, I often refer them back to the stories of individuals who have attempted suicide but who had survived. Survivors of suicide attempts are a unique group. Their stories are both sad and inspirational. They experienced the depths of depression, decided that their lives were not worth living, attempted to end their lives but then recovered from that experience with a powerful and hopeful message: life is worth living.

Conventional wisdom might suggest that these individuals, who failed at their suicide attempt, would simply try again but they did not. Why? Because they realized that their lives can improve and even a troubled life is worth living.

Survivors were thankful that they had failed to kill themselves. Some felt so strongly about their experience that they then dedicated their lives to suicide prevention. They did not want others to make the same mistake that they had.

I would strongly urge you to speak to your therapist about your suicidal thoughts. Generally speaking, an individual cannot be hospitalized against their will unless they are posing an imminent threat to themselves or to others. The operative word is imminent. In addition, an individual has to have a specific plan for suicide or homicide, and the means to carry out their plan for them to be involuntarily hospitalized.

You are in therapy. You need to honest with your therapist so that they can do the job that they were trained for: to help you. They are there for exactly that reason, to help you in every possible way. You have chosen them so that they could help you, now trust them to do their job. Tell your therapist exactly what you are thinking, hold nothing back.

If you feel that you cannot keep yourself safe, then go to the hospital immediately. Call 911 if necessary.

You have access to a therapist. Utilize that help to develop better problem solving skills. Learning those skills will not make you immune to life problems but they can significantly improve your ability to solve those problems. Please take care and be fully open with your therapist.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What Could Be Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: i think i need a mental evaluation because i have a lot of social issues. i often appear awkward or stupid to others because i don’t know how to respond to them on the spot. its almost like i think too slow or can’t completely pay attention to or understand what they are saying. i often zone out or daydream and i have a habit of saying “what?” every time someone asks or tells me something because it gives me an extra few seconds to get what they’re saying.

i also have really low self esteem and i just hate myself because i never seem to do or say the right things. i often have suicidal thoughts and do self destructive things like stealing/shoplifting, drugs/alcohol etc. i have dreams about doing bad things too. i often lie – sometimes to hide something, or when i don’t have anything else to say, or even for no reason at all most of the time. i get really depressed or anxious and i tend to talk even when people aren’t listening to me even when i know it.

i’m pretty introverted and observant and i only have a couple of friends because i just don’t know how to talk to people, not even my family. i’m afraid of the people i have in my life leaving me, and i try really hard to be a good friend because i don’t want to be any more alone. i always end up caring about people more than they care about me and i take more time to understand them, especially the people i like. i also have times where i feel like i’m not really there or empty, and i get really sentimental like i have all these flashbacks and memories of random things. i’m 15 so is this normal? because ive always felt different from everyone else, and ive been this way for as long as i can remember. what should i do?

A good deal of what you’re saying sounds like normal teen issues. You are struggling to find out who you are and how to relate to others. Sometimes memories and daydreams are happier than the present, so you go there in your mind. That’s normal, too. In addition, you are by nature introverted and kind of shy, so you are perhaps struggling more than some of your classmates who are more naturally social. The most positive thing you said is that you do have a couple of good friends and you do value their friendship. That means you do know how to connect with others. That’s something to build on.

I’m worried that you are measuring yourself against some ideal that is difficult, if not impossible, to reach. I assure you, many, many teens (and quite a few adults for that matter) have more trouble than you might imagine figuring out how to be social, how to say the “right” things and how to have the perfect retort. Although they probably serve as distractions, hurting yourself and doing destructive things is not going to make things better and will only further damage your self-esteem. Instead you need to be building on the friendships you have.

Often it is friends who help friends figure things out. If you and your friends have a trusting relationship, you may be able to talk together about how to be more at ease with other people. If your friends aren’t the type of people to do that, maybe seeing a therapist for a little while would be helpful. A therapist can help you put things in perspective, can teach you some new skills and can support you while you try out new ways to be with other people.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Boyfriend Berates Me about My Past

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been very good friends with my boyfriend for 15 years.  We started dating 2 years ago. Since he was my good friend he knows every single detail about my past. I was very young and dumb and have done a lot sexual experiences with about 25 -30 partners.

Any time we fight, he calls me a pig, whore, slut and even c*nt.  He berates me because I cannot give him my exact number of my sexual partners.  When we first started dating he took things extremely slow, wanted to wait to have sex.  Well, his true feelings about me being a pig etc. has broken me down to the point where I cannot even kiss him.  How can someone that loves you speak to you like this?

I confront him and tell him this is abuse.  He denies it.

He knows I spent a period alone in a very dark place where I did seek therapy because I was very depressed and my past being one of the reasons. (this was before he and I started dating). I came to realize my past is my past and that’s not who I am today and I am a great person. He knows I went through this and still emotionally beats me down because I am not sad about my past anymore.

My wild past took place approximately 13 years ago.  He was not my bf.  He has his own gf that he later married and had children with.  When that marriage failed we connected.

How can someone talk to someone they love like this?  Why does he think this is ok? Do I deserved to be punished for my past?

I want nothing more in my life to have a family of my own.  I’m in my mid 30’s and I feel like I will never have that and it breaks my heart.

Please help me. (From USA)

You don’t need his permission to label this as abuse. His verbal abuse has to do with his insecurity, immaturity, and lack of respect for you. This is about his shortcomings — not yours.

If this is the bottom line. If this is how he thinks of you when there is any kind of a conflict, then the real question isn’t how he can talk to you like this and think it’s okay — It is why you allow yourself to stay with him? You do not deserve to be punished for your past, but you are responsible for how you live your future. I’d let him know that if he berates you about your past that you will have to breakup with him. You don’t want to sell yourself short by having a family with a man who thinks so little of you.

If you do break up you’ll want to use some therapy to help with the transition.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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What’s Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teenaged girl in Turkey: At first, I wanted to ask if I really was a socipoath but then it seemed irrational to me. I won’t go to an “;expert”; in real life and show myself, so here I am. (English isn’t my native language by the way.) I know that I’m intelligent but I don’t know if I’m too intellegent or just an idiotic narcissist. (Still didn’t take any test.) Everything seems too intangible, a word in my brain is just some letters to make people think a specific thing, in reality, means anything. Even the word describing itself is relevant.

All my exes claimed I was using them like a toy. Though I can’t feel love, I would lie about it. (I never trust.) I fear losing someone but it’s just to not be alone. I wouldn’t feel sad for any of them dying.

I believe in God because not believing seems idiotic to me, why would I choose not to believe when I could be safe? If there is no God, still I have no problem because what I choose to believe wouldn’t make my life bad either but if there is God, I’m flowered up.

I watch people and pity. -Not everytime.- I pity psychology itself too. It also is made by human need to catogerize everything. Though that doesn’t mean I won’t learn anything about these topics. Unfortuntally, I’m a human too.

I want to have a social life, a relationship but “systems”, made-up responsibilities and acting for people is just boring me. Books/beloved writers never satisfy me, I stopped reading years ago -I’ll give a shot tho. So there are little things left that I enjoy like drawing or science itself.

Lastly, there’s this fact that I wanted to do something to change the world. Then I realized there will always be good and bad, no matter what I or others do. So I changed. If something isn’t rational in my eyes I would ignore it. I have the urge to hurt people, animals if I’m spaced out. But all of those are also irrational for my mind: cold-blooded, never was obsessed with blood/movie psychopaths. So I don’t do any of them.

Still, I don’t want to die before doing something big in this world. I am a narcissist indeed, maybe also a sociopath but it doesn’t matter.

What’s your opinion of me?

It looks to me like you are thinking only in black and white terms. To you, things are either this way or that way. You say you are either intelligent or not. Books have something to tell you or don’t. Psychology is useless but maybe it isn’t. You want a social life but find it boring. Either do something big or why bother. And on it goes.

To me, a diagnosis isn’t as important as what you are doing with your life. On the basis of your letter, I’d say you are too ambitious. You have big ideas but they are so big that it seems impossible to achieve them. Rather than try and fail, you give up. That saves your self-esteem but it also leaves you feeling hopeless.

The reality is that almost everything in life (except maybe death) is on a spectrum. For some reason you can’t deal with that fact so you opt out. I don’t know why you won’t talk to an “expert”. A few sessions with a counselor might help you sort out why you are so easily discouraged and what you can do about it.

For the record: I do think you are intelligent and that you are asking big philosophical questions. I do understand that it is easy to feel small in such a big universe. Part of being human is to grapple with that and to do what we can to make a difference anyway.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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