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Psychosis? Anxiety?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 13th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi I am 26 year old female I ever had any issues of any kind with any mental illnesses before July. Well In that month I was dealing with family issues and pressure be it that my family whom I do not live with anymore constantly look up to me as an support system although I have moved out with my boyfriend and my then 14 month old son. I recall one night while I was trying to sleep I had this intrusive thought,”What if God stops my heart?”. This thought scared me so much and I jumped out of bed and just stayed awake until my boyfriend finally came home from work and we watched ‘Season Of the Witch’, ironically the whole time my heart was racing. The next day I kept having that thought and I tried to shake the thought and then It was replaced by the thought of “What if I hurt my son” and then “What if I threw him into a fan”. I was in complete shock and became hysterical and saddened that I would think something like that knowing I would never do anything like that. I searched the internet and came across intrusive thoughts and then it lead to Ocd. I felt better after realizing that maybe this is what it was. I then felt depressed and felt guilty around my son for even thinking those thoughts I felt strange being alone with him and also being around anything sharp or anything that will cause danger. Eventually I begin having thoughts about self harm and I went into another frenzy. The thoughts eventually stopped and I went to the Doctor and she diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder with depressed mood and prescribed Zoloft in which I didn’t take due to my boyfriend saying that it will not help me but have me in this dazed out state of mind. So I stayed online searching online continuously and went on yahoo answers asking,” is feeling out of it a sign of depression”?. I always felt out of it and in a daze and in my online searches my eyes fell on derealization and I became frantic. I thought “does that mean that I don’t believe anythings real?”. I was a nervous wreck. When in fact I probably was experiencing derealization which is a physical symptom that I was experiencing. But I took it out of context and stayed looking online until I came across a man on yahoo answers saying he felt as though this was all an ‘illusion of the mind’. I blew that off as crazy and then a few days later I thought to myself. “What if I started thinking like that?”. I started to panic and then started thinking about that in depth and then looked up solipsism which totally blew my mind completely away. I kept debating it everyday and thinking in my head over and over there is no way one could imagine things and not remember them. It consumed me and I thought about it 24/7 until I started becoming delusional with my thinking and searching online and reading posts and forums of people that had said things like they felt like this was the Truman Show and I of course blew that all off as crazy but the more I kept searching sites for answers and other people’s prospective on it it seems like I only dug myself deeper into the whole and I think I latched onto all those crazy things that I was reading. I was very emotional and in a very sensitized state and I feel like I have messed up my mental state and have possible become schizophrenic or maybe developed psychosis. When I think back now I wonder why the hell did I let something I read online get to me so much that I became absorbed into it? But the thoughts that I had when I was so deeply absorbed into the solipsism idea were “what if that is true”,” “what if when I’m not around nothing exists”. I know that it is illogical and irrational as far as that concept of solipsism but somehow it has shook me the core because I guess I have this secret fear of being alone. I really feel as though after experiencing that obsessive thought about my son sent me into this nervous state and from there my life has spiraled out of control. I would have problems sleeping and having intrusive thoughts about how I think I developed schizophrenia now. My mind has become so weak due to this and I have problems with remembering things and I kept looking at schizophrenia symptoms and always comparing them to myself. I feel like I am literally going crazy and drove myself there. I feel detachment as well now due to all of this stress. I know everything is real but i feel like due to me even pondering the idea made me have this detachment from everyone around me and on top of that I am depressed. I am also very vulnerable to what I read or see and will imply it to me and I feel like I have to rebuild my mental state again. Does this sound like the onset of schizophrenia? or psychosis or what? I have always been an panicky person and I feel like I am highly suggestible and if I did develop schizophrenia I feel like I brought it on myself by being a nervous wreck.

Though it is not possible to provide a diagnosis online, I can say with relative certainty that your symptoms do not seem characteristic of schizophrenia or the development of psychosis. Your symptoms may be more characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The best way to determine if your symptoms warrant a psychological diagnosis is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. I understand that you were recently evaluated by a mental health professional but given your new concerns, it would be advantageous to be re-evaluated.

It might also be a good idea to temporarily stop reading nonscientific Internet materials. There is a great deal of fallacious information on the Internet. It seems as though you may have difficulty determining what is reputable information and what is not. Discuss this with your mental health professional. He or she can help you to determine what information is scientifically valid.

In the meantime, try to keep yourself as grounded in reality as possible. If you struggle with this, a mental health professional can assist you. Try not to panic. The problems that you are facing can be treated. If you are willing to follow the recommendations of your treatment professionals, there is a excellent chance of recovery. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you to locate a mental health professional in your community. I wish you the best luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

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I started unhealthy ways to deal with stress

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 8th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi, I`m 17, I have started finding a unhealthy way to deal with stress, depression, and loss of my dog too well. I didn`t know how much stress my beloved dog helped me with for soo long till he died this year. When I went to school this one day I got told that I was stupid and pathetic because I didn`t take a phone away in one of the classes I was teaching. I know I don`t have the right to do that but I wasn`t feeling good, I had just lost the dog and the teacher had to take it out on someone about the fight he got into the day before and he took it out on me. That night I went home and used a saftey pin on my wrist.
My mom doesn`t get it I have been regected by my real dad and my step and this is my final year and I have to find money to go to college and she doesn`t know that I don`t sleep my eating is down I do eat somedays but I can go a few days to a week without eating but I can always make it look like I`m eating just so that she doesn`t get on my back. I think that every thing is my fault since I`ve been told since I was little that everything is my fault my grandpa`s death that was my fault, and the dogs death also my fault. My mom is sick so my step dad blames me for that and it puts sooo much stress on my I get really sick to my stomach and don`t eat or sleep. I thought things would get better they just stayed the same I get thoughts about killing my self and tried but never went threw with it I chickened out because I can`t do what my one friend did to her friends and her parents and little sister. I feel like I`m alone I`ve tried to make my parents happy but they just seem to not really care about me. I feel like I`m a no body to them cause my step dad told his friend in front of me shes not my daughter and I feel like I just don`t belong in this world.
I need help!!! I don`t want to feel like this anymore!!!

Not every kid gets the family she deserves. Sadly, you are one of many, many people who were born to a family that doesn’t give her the emotional, psychologicial, and practical support she needs. The fact that you have grown to be the sensitive, articulate person you are in spite of it tells me that you have more inner strength and gifts than maybe you can even appreciate right now. Your sadness and distress are too much in the front. You’ve been told so often that things beyond your control are your fault that you’ve started to believe it. You are not at fault for people being sick and dying. It sounds to me that people who can’t cope with their own grief and responsibilities are shifting blame and shame to you.

In the States, there is a public service advertising campaign going on called “It gets better.” Celebrities and politicians are speaking out about how they were bullied for various reasons and how it got better once they got older. The message to people like you is, “Hold on. There’s hope. You’ll grow up and grow away from your current situation. It gets better.” It does. College isn’t high school. The adult world isn’t either. Once out of your family, you can make the kind of family you want.

So hold on! Depriving yourself of food won’t help you. You need your strength. Not sleeping won’t help you. You need your rest. Hurting yourself won’t help you get to a better place either. Instead, turn that self-destructive energy into motivation to get out of there. Go see your guidance counselor. Look for scholarships and grants that will get you to school in a year. Get a part-time job if you can and start saving your money. If your resume is weak, get yourself into some extra-curricular activities that will make you attractive to schools. Grades not good enough? Look for a “gap year” experience away from home. There are exciting, and subsidized, service opportunities out there. You’ll get a year away from your hometown and some money to help pay for school. Colleges look favorably on someone who has done a gap year as well.

I’m glad you’ve ruled out suicide as an answer. Saying “yes” to life is the first step. Now gather your resolve to take charge of your life to make it better. You can do it. You’ve managed to survive this long. Now it’s time to do better than surviving. With some effort on your part, you can be in an entirely different place next year. You can make a new start and a new life. You’re almost there. You can make it better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Life Not Going Well And Considering Suicide

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 6th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am writing you because I recently received some sessions at a local community therapy clinic and I don’t feel like we accomplished anything there. I am constantly thinking about suicide, or (I’m ashamed to say) faking a suicide so that I can get help. I was fired from my job about 2 months ago and haven’t been able to get another one. I recently started college and I am having to appeal a financial aid denial due to missing dropping the one class I registered for when I was 17. I have no family to look to for financial support and my situation gets more and more desperate every day.

If all is trying to look for a job and go to school while sleeping on the streets with no help or support from anyone I know, what really is the point of going on? I wonder, how is an able bodied, 25 year old male, with no family, supposed to get any support in this world?

It is good that you have begun your therapy at your community mental health agency but you think it may not be helping. Talk to your therapist and be honest about the fact that you feel your work together is not effective. In many clinics, it is relatively common for clients to try several therapists before they find a suitable match.

In addition to individual therapy, you should also consider group therapy. Some individuals prefer group therapy over individual therapy. There are several advantages of group therapy, including: increased support, increased feedback, increased interactional opportunities, and the chance to practice and to develop social skills. The more people that you can make a positive connection with, the better you will feel. Group therapy is also generally less expensive when compared to individual therapy.

You may also want to investigate the counseling services offered by your college. Most colleges provide their students with short-term, professional mental health care free of charge.

If you were to get a job or were granted the necessary financial aid to continue college, I believe that your mindset would change. It is important to keep your situation in perspective. It is a difficult time in your life but that can change. There are many ups and downs in life. That is true for everyone.

Your lack of social support is also contributing to the problem. If you had more support from friends or from family, then you would be less likely to consider suicide. That is one reason why it is imperative for you to stay connected to a mental health agency, and you can do this by joining a support group or by finding a different therapist.

Individuals who are considering suicide often view their life situation through a prism of hopelessness. Their difficult situation is temporary but they don’t see it that way. They have difficulty envisioning an end to their suffering. Understandably they want their pain to end. Getting help is the answer, not suicide.

I would recommend that you read this article about individuals who attempted suicide and survived. One of the most important messages of the article is that the individuals who attempted suicide and survived were thankful to have lived. In the depths of depression, they incorrectly predicted that their lives would never improve. They were fortunate enough to live to see their lives improve.

Don’t stop trying to get help. Try other therapists. Investigate other types of treatment such as group therapy or psychiatric medication. Remember that even though your life is difficult now it can change. Call 911 or go to the emergency room if you feel that you cannot keep yourself safe. I wish you the best. Take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What Is Partial Hospitalization?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 8th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

How do I know if it’s really necessary? I have Bipolar II and am on a mood stabilizer (Trileptal) and a small dose of an antidepressant (Lexapro.) I’ve been having a very rough time with depressive symptoms over the last few months – it started with just not being interested in anything, sleeping a lot, and eating a lot, and got up to crying at the slightest provocation and bouts of leaden paralysis.

At my most recent psychiatric appointment, I asked for an increase in my Lexapro dose, because it makes the most sense to me (I’ve been on doses up to 2.5 times what I was on at the moment, with no clear manic symptoms.) But my psychiatrist asked instead if I’d be willing to enroll in a partial hospitalization program.

We’re going to talk more about it at my next appointment, because we ran out of time. But I’ve been looking online at partial hospitalization programs in my area, and I’m confused. What are they, really? They sound like they’re just classes – not focused on adjusting my drug regimen so it’s perfect, but rather on the “coping with life” stuff that is basically impossible for me when I’m in the middle of an improperly medicated depressive episode. And how bad off do you have to be before they’ll let you in one of these programs? Yes, I need help, but do I really need that much help?

I’m also quite alarmed and sort of offended by the “you can’t have your phone and we take your shoelaces” stuff. I’m not psychotic or suicidal. Why on earth would they want to isolate me more, and make me feel more crazy than I already do?

Partial hospitalization refers to a comprehensive, short-term, intensive, clinical treatment program. With regard to level of treatment, partial hospitalization is a step below inpatient hospitalization but more concentrated than traditional outpatient care. Clients are generally referred to partial programs when they are experiencing acute psychiatric symptoms that are difficult to manage but that do not require 24-hour care.

Individuals in partial hospitalization programs attend structured programming throughout the day, three to five days a week and return home in the evenings. To ensure client safety, many of the inpatient hospitalization rules apply (i.e. no phones, no shoelaces) to partial hospitalization programs.

There are many advantages to participating in a partial hospitalization program. You are worried that the program may isolate you but the opposite would be true. Many partial programs provide group therapy which would allow you to interact with other people experiencing similar problems. You would also have the opportunity to interact with psychiatrists, social workers, nurses, and other mental health practitioners. The goal of many partial hospital programs is the development of skills that help clients better manage their lives and their symptoms.

Consider attending the program. Your doctor thinks it is necessary. I have worked with many clients that had expressed similar concerns about partial programs but who were later glad they attended. Remember that the program is short-term. It has the potential to help you tremendously.

At your next appointment, I would recommend discussing your concerns with your doctor. He or she may provide more information about the program which could give you a better understanding of what to expect. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Night Hallucinations And I Fear It’s Something Worse

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 17th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I would like to begin by saying I have never taken any drugs nor am I on any medication of any sorts. I believe my problem began, or the earliest attack I can remember, was when I was five. I was sleeping soundly when I woke myself up out of nowhere. I only caught a glimpse of a giant spider making its way under my covers. I was able to both see and feel the spider crawling in my bed and over my legs. Needless to say I spent the night in the comfort of my mother’s bed. They scattered themselves considerably throughout the next few years of my life. They stayed at the same terror level, rats, snakes and such showed themselves. However, recently they have become more and more consistent and more and more vivid and elaborate. Not only am I able to see them and feel them, it has escalated to actually hearing them. I have seen everything from bugs covering the wall to a shadow person standing next to me. If you need examples, trust me I have many, many more. I have recently expressed my concerns with my family doctor and he dismissed me quite quickly and I feel he did not take the time to diagnose me properly. I was wondering if these are normal, simple hallucinations not to be alarmed about or something worse. Please help me!

It is difficult to determine why you are having night hallucinations. Hallucinations can be an indicator of a psychotic disorder. Psychotic disorders include schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, psychosis disorder not otherwise specified, and several others. Though hallucinations are associated with psychotic disorders, it is an unlikely possibility in your case. The main reason is because your hallucinations only occur at night. In addition, there was no mention of other symptoms that are indicative of a psychotic disorder.

A second possibility is that you have an undiagnosed medical condition.

The third and most likely possibility is that you may have a sleep disorder. Some sleep disorders have symptoms that are similar to those that you have described. To determine whether you have or don’t have a sleep disorder would require a sleep study. Your primary care physician can refer you to a sleep disorder clinic.

Even if your doctor did not take you seriously the first time you discussed your symptoms, you should attempt to discuss them again. Be persistent and be adamant about your desire for help. Being persistent will likely motivate your doctor to help. If your doctor continues to ignore your concerns, then see a different doctor.

In addition, it is important that your parents know about your symptoms. If your parents spoke to your doctor, the doctor would likely take your concerns more seriously.

It is important to evaluate the problem and then to find the right treatment. That process begins with speaking to your parents and again with your doctor. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Sleep deprived, not bipolar

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 14th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When I was 7 my mom died of lung cancer,she was 43. Now I’m 13 and my dad has a girl friend and she moved in and my dad barely talks to me anymore. So I feel so lonely so I think that’s where it all started. I ALWAYS feel sad and hopeless. I have no changes in weight which is good. My sleeping patterns change during the school year I don’t go to bed till at least 3:00 am and I wake up at 6. Then the next night it’s the opposite. I think about death but I don’t consider it because I’m way to scared and my best friend keeps me alive. But yet at other times I feel happy and have a high self esteem. I also sometimes have good energy and not that tired. My speech is okay like sometimes I can’t talk right. I’ve had one breakdown in January. My stress levels are very high and I do have some anxiety but not that bad. I always think something is my fault and I always think that people are talking about me and really aren’t my friend. I also tried cutting and starving myself but I chickened out. I have back pains when nothings causing it and I sometimes get headaches too for no reason. My aunt is bipolar so I’m wondering if I can also be/get bipolar sometime in my life. I have high fatigue and some irritability.Sometimes I can get angry and people don’t know what I’m angry about and sometimes I don’t either. I also go to therapy and I’m not on any form of medicine. So please help me. Thanks.

I’m very sorry you’re having such a hard time. I hope you are talking honestly with your therapist about what you’ve written here. We therapists wish we were mind-readers but we’re not. If people don’t tell us their thoughts and feelings, there isn’t much we can do except guess. With most appointments lasting less than an hour, we’d like to get right down to business and use the time well. It’s up to you to bring up important issues right away.

My guess is that you are still grieving your mom. Your dad is moving on before you are ready to. You feel like you’re losing him too. He’s caught up in a new relationship and is probably unaware that you are feeling left out of his life. If that weren’t enough, you are at an age when your body is adjusting to becoming an adult. It’s normal to feel moody and to have ups and downs but that doesn’t make it any easier.

My biggest concern, though, is your sleep patterns. Of course you have fatigue. Of course you are irritable. You absolutely need 8 – 10 hours sleep a night to be physically and mentally healthy. There is a reason for your headaches. It’s lack of enough sleep. It’s also possible that the “breakdown” was related to sleep deprivation. Same thing with the anxiety and moodiness and speech problems. I very much doubt that you have bipolar illness. I’d at least want to rule out all these other sleep-related issues before considering it.

Please talk to your therapist about ways to get your sleep cycles back where they should be. It’s obvious that you are intelligent and know how to research things on the Internet. Look into sleep disorders and how they are treated and you may also be able to help yourself.

I don’t know enough to comment on whether you need medicine (although I doubt it). But I absolutely do know that you need sleep!

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Need Help Badly

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 19th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I’m 20 years old just had my first baby and I’ve been struggling what i thought was depression and severe anxiety since I was 12. I’ve tried every depression medication was on medication to help me sleep (which is another issue) and for my anxiety and nothing has seemed to work for me. I stopped talking all medication when i was 17 and shortly after stated medicating myself. I did this for about 2 years and stopped completely on my own then found out i was pregnant. I then got on depression medication again because i did not want to live that life style anymore. I really don’t believe depression is my problem i don’t want to harm myself or anything like that i’m more manic then anything and you can never tell which way i’m going to be that day or that hour even. Sometimes i’ll be fine for days other times it’s only hours you never know, so when i’m at my high and everythings fine i know that the low is going to follow and that frustrates me. My anxiety is very bad and i have attacks even when i’m laying down to sleep. My heart will pound my vision will shake, my chest will hurt, and i’ll feel as though i have a lump in my throat. Theres no reason for this to happen to me when all i’m doing is sleeping. When I’m going somewhere i’ve never been or going to be around alot of people it gets very bad as well and i usually get diarrhea with all those symptoms. I don’t want to live like this anymore I went and tried to get in with my dr. to try and get on a medication that’s right for me and unfortunately i can’t been seen till the 15 of july. I can’t wait that long I try to be as normal as i can for i’m the only one taking care of my 8 week old son right now. I’m able to function enough to take care of him. I’m not sure what i need to do to get in with someone faster to start me on the right medication. Could you please tell me what your opinion is on my condition and how i could go about gettting help faster. I live in florida by the way.

The symptoms you have described including: heart palpitations, shakiness, chest pains, feeling as though you have a lump in your throat, severe anxiety, and diarrhea seem consistent with a panic attack or panic disorder. Panic disorder is a type of anxiety disorder.

Another possibility is irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). IBS is a medical condition commonly associated with stress and anxiety. You also reported having a history of depression and possibly mania, a symptom of bipolar disorder.

It is difficult to provide an accurate diagnosis over the Internet. My recommendation is to have both a psychiatric evaluation and a medical evaluation. The latter is important to rule out the presence of physical health problems.

You have an appointment to see a doctor but you can’t be seen until July 15th. You did not specify which type of doctor you plan to see. If you would like to be seen sooner, call the doctor’s office and inform them of your concerns. You could also make an appointment with a different doctor. A different doctor might be able to better accommodate your needs.

I would also recommend making an appointment with a mental health professional. This could be with a psychiatrist or a therapist, or both. Psychiatrists can prescribe medication but therapists cannot. A therapist can provide talk therapy. If you have not tried talk therapy, you should. Medication alone is often not a comprehensive approach to treatment. In most cases, treatment for mental health disorders requires both therapy and medication. I hope this answer helps you to decide how best to proceed. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Stepson’s expectations are tearing the family apart

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 20th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My stepson is divorcing my daughter-in-law for another woman, whom he is marrying 5 days after his divorce is final. My daughter-in-law lives in SC and wants to move back to MI, so is moving in with us as she cannot financially afford to live on her own with all the debt they have and they haven’t sold their house. Our stepson had no problem with this in the beginning, and our granddaughters are coming to live with us also. Now, he has decided that he wants to come and visit us 5 days after we get her moved into our house. He told us to just kick her out. He wants us to meet his new wife.

I told my husband, no way. First I am not ready to meet the new wife who broke up the marriage and second, he has no right to ask her to move out of this house, as this is her home now. My husband does not agree, as this is his son (my stepson). We are fighting over this one. My husband agreed to let my daughter-in-law move in and was in full support. I told him his son has no right to even ask to come here to visit while she is staying here.

Am I wrong on this issue? I feel like his son is doing this to pour salt in the wound. He would be sleeping in the bed with his new wife, in the room that his ex-wife would be sleeping in while in our home. So inappropriate. What do you think, I feel he can come to town and stay in a hotel. My husband says he can’t afford that and it is not an option. Please help — I feel this is going to break our marriage.

This kind of situation with conflicting loyalties and needs can tear a family apart. I’m glad you wrote to us.

From where I sit, your stepson has multiple problems. He is marrying so quickly after a divorce that he isn’t giving himself time to learn from the experience of a failed marriage. He doesn’t seem to understand that whatever his feelings for his former wife, she is still the mother of his children, your grandchildren, and is deserving of some respect, if only for that. He seems to be asking you and your husband to take sides in a no-win contest of love and loyalties. He doesn’t seem to be considering how his kids will feel about meeting this woman who has taken their mother’s place in his life and his bed.

Meanwhile, your husband is torn. He doesn’t want to lose his son over all this but he has made a commitment to the mother of his grandchildren and to you. He may have the idea that blood relationship comes first. But he isn’t considering that his grandchildren are also of his blood and deserve his consideration – even over his son. They are the most vulnerable people in this situation.

For the kids’ sake, my opinion is that if your stepson wants to integrate his new wife into the family, he needs to take it much more slowly. It’s unfair to displace his children’s mother from her home. It would be hard on the kids to have to have his new wife, their new stepmother, move right into their mom’s place.

One option would be for your stepson and his new wife to stay in a hotel or with a friend and to arrange daily visits with you and his children. If he really can’t afford a hotel room for a few nights, perhaps your husband could help him by financing part of it. This would not only solve the sleeping arrangements but would let your husband demonstrate to his son that he isn’t taking sides. Your daughter-in-law could cooperate by agreeing to go out while he visits with you and the kids. Alternatively, he could arrange to take the children out to some local attraction or event to give the kids a way to get to know their new stepmom without intruding on his former wife’s life.

Although I can certainly understand the intense feelings that go with this situation, I hope you and your husband will take a step back and rethink your positions. To me, the focus shouldn’t be on who has the “right” to be in your home (stepson or daughter-in-law). The conversation should instead be about how to support your granddaughters and how to integrate this new reality into everyone’s lives. Your stepson will leave after a few days. You, your husband, your daughter-in-law and the grandchildren will be left to deal with the emotional consequences of his visit. You want to make sure that whatever happens leaves everyone able to comfortably live together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 14th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Well The thing is i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional about it, but i would really prefer not to. But to sum up the last few years of whats been going on. 2 friends died by being hit by cars ( they were walking ) both at different times, my parents got a divorce in 2008 both remarried in 2009… Both divorced again in 2011.. and they are getting back together now.. I was constantyl in the middle, i was loaning my father money to pay
his bills and same for my mother. In the last 3 months i have been laid off of my job, and now i’m in threat of loosing everything i have worked for. Although i have a really crappy job offering which i’m going to take to pay the bills. Now let me explain the recent problems..

Starting about 2-3 days ago i have been getting extremely mad at my wife and children for no reason. I don’t know why.. I get to the point where i’m afraid to get near my girls i’m afraid i’ll hurt them, so instead i have them go play outside. My wife is usually at work so i’m acting as stay at home dad right now, Occasionally and including right now, it seems like i can’t get enough oxygen into my system no matter how deep i breath or how much i try. I personally love my wife and children to death, i dislike society and humanity as a whole so i don’t have friends and don’t want them ( i also have no interest in seeing a therapist although it’s probably for the best ) I do not talk to most of my family only my father and mother, and thats only becuase i have to i would prefer if they would stay out of my life..

I absolutely hate myself and constantly think of suicide. Of course i would never act on it, but it doesn’t stop me from day dreaming about it. Also at nights, almost every night i have nightmares, they are never plesent in any way. Usually my kids or wife dying. I’m not happy with my life for sure, i want much more out of my life. I’m not afraid of dying, only of being forgotten.. I want to do something to be remembered..

I know this isn’t much of a question, but i’m seeking advice, i want to make the best of myself and such for my wife and kids, so i’m considering seeing a therapist, but i think it will be a waste of time. I’m not really addicted to games and such, i mean i do play on the computer but i don’t mind getting off to play with my kids or spend time with my wife, even if i don’t want to get off i dont’ get mad about it i just do it. And through the day i’m not really on much, only at night..

The other problem is my wife is being bothered by my sleeping habits. I usually go to sleep about 10-11AM and wake at about 2-3PM about 2-3 times a month i’ll go 24-36 hours without sleep altogether, i’m not forcing myself i just don’t feel tired.. i’ve tried sleeping pills and they have done nothing. My father had prescription sleeping pills i tried and still nothing ( i know it’s wrong )

umm, other than that i’m sorta addicted to sex.. I mean i want sex every single night.. of course the wife isn’t always int he mood which is understandable. But in the past when she denied me for whatever reason, i would just cuddle with her then go watch tv or play a game, but in the last couple of days, i have gotten so mad at her i wanted to kill myself.. It almost feels like i’m being denied love. I’m honestly not sure wtf is going on.. I’m assuming depression, and maybe a bit of anxiety.. But i’m no therapist. Any way Yeah what do you think.

What I think is what you think. Follow your own good instincts. You need the support and advice of a therapist who can give you more than what we’re able to do through a letter. For starters, it sounds to me that you are still grieving your friends and your parents’ unstable relationship and that you have a serious sleep disorder (that, btw, could contribute to your depression and your episodes of rage). You may be feeling even more upset about being unemployed than you are letting yourself acknowledge. Losing a job and feeling forced to take a “crappy” one is a major hit on most adults’ self-esteem. You are wise enough not to take your feelings out on the family who loves you but you do think about taking it out on yourself — which of course would do unestimable damage to the wife and children you leave behind. I wonder if you want sex so much because it is the only way you’ve found to truly relax.

As you can see, your letter left me with more questions than answers – except one: Do see a therapist and go into the project with as much courage, openness, and honesty as you can. Your family deserves it. So do you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Schizophrenic or Obsessive Compulsive?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 4th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For as long as I can remember I have always been a shy and quiet girl, but despite that I used to hate to be left alone and would always try to be around my family and friends, tagging them along wherever they went. My mother said it was after my grandmother’s death that I had started to change. I was twelve years old, still shy and quiet; but I started to push people away, preferring to be left alone. I became less active and preferred to stay in my room all day playing video games. Then at night I would find myself unable to go to sleep and would toss and turn for hours until I eventually passed out.

I began to develop a habit of needing to keep things clean and organized. I would alphabetize my books and cds, and I would color code all of my clothing. If anything was untidy or disorganized, I would begin to feel hopeless and overwhelmed. At this point I began procrastinating, putting things off until I was in the mood to do it which sometimes never came.

Things got worse and new problems developed throughout my years in middle school and high school. It got so bad that I ended up dropping out of high school at the beginning of my senior year. I have pretty much cut all contact with my friends and whenever they would try to call me, I would ignore them, not wanting to talk to them or to go anywhere. I hardly ever left home, hardly left my room for months on end.

Now at the age of twenty I am still living at home with my parents with no job, spending my day’s safe in my room. I just feel too stressed, too depressed to do anything, even the things I once enjoyed dearly.

For awhile I caused myself harm, cutting myself, until my mother caught me with a knife under my bed. I felt so ashamed and felt like I betrayed her. So I stopped cutting myself. However I still feel as anxious and distressed as I ever have. I have had my share of suicidal thoughts but I never acted on them nor am I planning on it. For awhile I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she would always say it had to do with my menstrual cycle messing up my hormones or the seasons and weather.

Now I have become extremely paranoid and I suppose a bit delusional, and it has gotten so bad that I am afraid to go to sleep at night. I have to force myself to try and get some sleep, but it still takes me hours to fall asleep, and then when I do, I just end up waking up several times during the night. It is getting to the point where I do not even know why I bother trying.

I also have these intrusive, morbid, tormenting thoughts, most revolving around death, disasters and violence. I cannot control these thoughts nor can I make them go away. They make me feel so helpless and make want to cry my eyes out. But the truth is I have not been able to cry since… I don’t know when. I mean I could not even bring myself to cry when my closest grandfather died five years or so ago, which made me feel completely guilty.

Aside from the intrusive thoughts, I have also experienced hallucinations, such as bugs crawling all over my floors and walls, the bathroom sink being full of blood and dead rodents covering the kitchen floor. However I do not see things as much as I hear things. I hear voices a lot, sometimes they sound as if they are just in my mind, and then other times they sound as if they are right behind me or next to me, almost like someone else is there. I have such difficult time thinking and focusing on things anymore and my short term memory is well, deteriorating rather rapidly to say the least.

I just honestly do not know what to do anymore. I am anxious, nervous and paranoid all the time now, I have not had a decent night’s sleep in years and I am so depressed and I feel as though I am losing my grip on reality. My family only has enough money to just keep us going, and I do not currently have health insurance, unless my parents can spend $9,000 ($3,000 per person), but I already know we can’t. I cannot bring myself to talk about these things with my parents and I am pretty sure my father hates be because he thinks I am just lazy.

My mother seems to think I may have schizophrenia and/or possibly OCD. I have done a bit of research on these two disorders and found that a lot of the symptoms seem to fit. I also learned that people with schizophrenia can develop OCD. But of course with our severe money problems, it is not like I can go out to a therapist or doctor to have this confirmed. So what should I do, what can I do? What are my options because I cannot stand being a nuisance and disappointment to my parents anymore!

It would be irresponsible to give or confirm a diagnosis over the Internet but I do believe that I can offer some insight. Many of your symptoms match obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Many people develop OCD following the pattern in your life. They experience a traumatic event such as losing a loved one and subsequently develop the obsessive need or desire to create order in their lives. It is as though the traumatic event creates a sense of being out of control. This out-of-control feeling prompts an outward attempt to create order and control. Perhaps psychologically the loss or traumatic event frightens individuals to the point where they feel the need to gain control. Thus OCD develops.

In addition to possible OCD symptoms, you may be experiencing depression. Specific symptoms include: your desire to self-harm, short-term memory loss, difficulty sleeping, and the increasing desire to isolate. Individuals with depression tend to want to isolate. That is what you seem to have done.

In addition to the social isolation, you are not working or sleeping well. You barely leave the house. This combination of life circumstances may be contributing to your symptoms.

Of particular concern is your sleep deprivation. Severe sleep deprivation negatively impacts brain functioning. Prolonged sleep deprivation might explain your hallucinations and delusions.

Your family may not be able to afford private psychotherapy sessions because of a lack of insurance coverage but there are other options. Community mental health centers (CMHC) usually offer free or low-cost services. Check your local white or yellow pages for the phone number to your local CMHC.

Also, call the local health department to inquire what free or low-cost services may be available to you. Another idea is to enroll in a university-based study investigating OCD or depression. Often study participants have access to cutting-edge psychological treatments.

I cannot confirm or rule out a psychiatric diagnosis. It is always best to be evaluated in person, by a mental health professional to determine when a diagnosis is warranted.

Schizophrenia may be a possibility but it’s difficult to know based on a short letter. Sleep deprivation and other possible psychological and medical problems would need to be ruled out before a diagnosis of schizophrenia could be confirmed.

I hope that you consider investigating free or low-cost services in your community. Please take care. If I can answer any additional questions, please do not hesitate to write again.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Losing my relationship with my father

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 7th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My father has always been close to my two sisters and I. Even transitioning into adolescence, I never felt that my father was embarrassing. We were his best friends and he was ours.

When I entered high school, my parents started having really serious marital issues. Growing up, my mother was a very caring and loving person but her own issues with her mother and self esteem led to anxiety and depression. Even when we were at a point in our lives where we were really happy and financially secure, my mother could not find it in herself to be happy. She became paranoid that my father was cheating on her and became jealous of the close relationship he had with us.

My mother was increasingly abusive verbally and physically towards me and my sisters from the time I turned sixteen and on. Eventually, my father also had to deal with this abuse. He was unhappy and knew that we were too so he wanted to leave her as long as he could take us with him, since she was not fit to take care of us at the time. We were scared that she would hurt herself if we left and felt guilty for wanting to leave. So we would beg him to give it another chance, that our mother was sick and he would agree to stay.

This went on until a week before I graduated high school. By this point, each passing day was worse and worse. We had called the police to settle disputes more frequently than ever before. I had never seen or heard my father cry until he begged my mother to stop. She said that she would never change and my father could not deal with it anymore. He took us into our room and told us that he was ready to leave. We agreed to go with him once I got through my graduation.

The graduation went by and it turned into summer but my mother was extremely depressed after my father left. My sisters and I stayed with her, despite her abuse because we loved her. My father waited patiently, living with my grandfather and sleeping on his couch. All he had were plastic bags full of clothes. To this day, most of my father’s belongings are still with my mom. The abuse had gotten so bad that my older sister and I eventually left. My younger sister stayed because she was afraid but we just could not stand it any longer.

So we started building our lives again. It took a couple of years but we bought our own furniture and moved into a small apartment. We were finally happy again despite the fact that we were still healing from such a traumatic separation. My older sister had started a relationship with her current boyfriend a year before my parents separated. So, while all of our family issues were playing out at home, she found an outlet with her boyfriend and became very attached.

My father felt neglected and disrespected by my sister. We are Hispanic, and her boyfriend was Caucasian. His family dynamic was much different than ours. So the more she was with him, the more she changed. My father had rules about sleeping out of the house. It was simply not allowed. However, my sister felt she was an adult and did not need to listen to my father and would defy his wishes.

I just got into a relationship a year ago and being my first one, I was irresponsible of how I handled my time. I was never home and grew distant with my family, especially my father. It has not been the same since.

I feel that he was still treating us as if we were thirteen years old. I want to be independent but my father has certain rules I can’t follow anymore. I live at home with him and I am nearly twenty three but he feels I should follow a curfew. I simply feel that this is uncalled for, being my age. So I have tried to compromise but he is stubborn. It has gotten to a point that he tells me he doesn’t feel like a father, rather just my roommate.

He says this all the time. I think that he feels he is being replaced by my boyfriend as he felt with my older sister. Also, I feel like since no one wants to listen to his rules, he feels very resented by that kind of disrespect. I do not pay rent and he has never pressured me to. Even if I offered, he refuses. He will not kick me out even if I don’t adhere to his rules. He had just become very distant. The guilt of this is hard to deal with. He has done so much for me and has given everything for his kids. To know that I am causing his unhappiness even after our whole ordeal with my mother is very hard. I want to make him happy but I don’t want to sacrifice my independence to do it.

What can I do? Is it possible to be an adult and remain close to my father despite him not fully accepting that I am an adult? I feel if I were to move out and live on my own, this would be the best for us both. He means a lot to me and I want to make him happy.

What a loving and devoted daughter you really are. Many young women your age would be so focused on their own happiness that they would not be concerned with their parents’. I think part of the problem is that your father is trying to live by the traditional rules of a generation or so ago while you and your sister are very much of this time and place. It’s not a matter or right or wrong. It’s a matter of there being a huge difference in each generation’s expectations for adult children.

In the dominant culture in the US, it’s normal and appropriate for young people to grow up, to find a romantic partner, and to leave home to make a new family, while the older generation renews their own relationship (if they have one), spends time with their long-time friends, and pursues their own interests. By more old-world values, adult children stay very connected to the family of origin and often care for their parents until they die.

It sounds to me like your father hasn’t made a life for himself so is expecting his children to make a life for him. Yes, it’s fully possible to be an adult and to be close to your dad but he has to be willing to be part of the project. You can’t make him be happy. He has to come to terms with the idea that you have different ideas about what it means to be an adult. It may help if he can understand that it is a testament to his good fathering that you and your sister want to marry, even after having witnessed so much discord in your parents’ marriage.

A frank talk with your father about these issues might help but I’m concerned that you may not know how to approach him out of your worry that you will hurt him. For that reason, I think it would be helpful for you to consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. I do think that you need some practical advice and support that is beyond what I can provide in a letter. After a few sessions, it might be useful for you to invite your father to join you. With a therapist’s support, you might be able to help your father understand how grateful you are to him but that you would appreciate his blessing as you move into the next stage of life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My boyfriend has extreme anxiety

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 7th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

For starters, I should tell you that we have lived together for the past several years. We’ve always gotten along really well, we don’t have arguments and both appreciate the lack of drama in the other.

For the last several months, he has been wrestling with extreme anxiety. It is at its’ worst when he is at home. He says that as he’s driving home, he can just feel the anxiety rising in him. He says he just feels like he’s going to explode but there’s no reason and nothing to explode about. Being at home just drives him crazy, he says. To quote a text he sent just today “Not sure what but something about home drives me up the wall”. By the end of the evening, his hands are shaking and his heart is racing.

Other symptoms? Complete lack of sex drive. He’s totally capable, he just doesn’t want to. I thought perhaps he was seeing someone else or found someone else he desired but he insists that he just doesn’t have any desire at all.

He is also sleeping a great deal more than he used to. He says he likes going to sleep because then the feeling goes away. I’ve also noticed a decrease in his appetite, I think. That’s hard to gauge because he’s been home so little and because he’s never been one to eat regular meals unless I make them.

I expressed the thought that perhaps the anxiety gets worse on his way home because his mind is clearing, because he’s putting the thoughts of what he has to do next for work away. He doesn’t feel this can be the case because when he was recently working out of town for a week, he had much less anxiety in the evenings.
I’m still convinced (or maybe it’s just hopeful) that because when he’s out of town, he’s sort of always on the job and therefore doesn’t ever let down in quite the same way.

He absolutely, completely and totally refuses to see a doctor. He won’t go see a doctor when he’s feeling close to death’s door … there’s no way I can get him in there for this. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve suggested couples counseling and he won’t even talk about that.

So here’s my ultimate question … do you think I could be on the right track? Or is it silly to think that he could repress his anxiety during his workday and thus experience it mostly at home?

There are several reasons why your boyfriend might be feeling his anxiety and depressive symptoms. I certainly can understand your frustration and his reluctance to go for help. But perhaps there is another way to approach this.

This is a self-help quiz for depression. It will give your boyfriend feedback that is objective and generated by his own input. I think you having him read this letter, and encouraging him to take the quiz, may be a way of opening up the dialogue at a deeper level.

If he is unwilling to go to couples counseling with you I would encourage you to go to individual counseling to begin coping with this situation for yourself. When you partner is becoming more isolative the only way to approach this is to offer your thoughts, feelings and suggestions, and then take care of yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,

Dr. Dan

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I think he’s lost interest

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 18th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met this guy 8 months back. We have been in the process of “just” talking and getting to know each other for 8 months now. He still hasn’t asked me out to be his official girlfriend and when I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship or not he just said “I really want to but i’m just not feeling it”…so i say “maybe you’re just not interested in me”…and he says “no that’s not it”…so I say “are you leaning more towards no or yes”…and he said “I don’t know i’m in the middle”…

I am confused and hurt because I feel like he lost interest in me because for the past 3 months we haven’t been intimate but we were when we first met. But I am confused because he won’t say it straight up to me if he just wants to be friends or not. He also still takes me out on dates and takes me to go hangout with his guy friends. what should I do?…I really want to be in a relationship with him…

Also lately hes been having dreams of sleeping with girls or being in a room with a bunch of girls…and it bothers me because I feel like hes craving for it but not with me…also for the past 3 months I have been only giving him oral…he doesnt touch me, kiss me, or hold my hand. I want to talk about it to him but I don’t want to seem to be nagging him. We talk still…and we use to flirt a lot but I just feel like now he’s backing away but yet he’s still nice to me so I don’t really know how to interpret that…is he using me or is he not?….also my friends tell me that they see him out partying and they see him talk to other girls like he’s single and he’s not talking to anyone…so when i do tell them that we are still talking they get really surprised because of the way he acts…

I just don’t want to seem like im overreacting for no reason…because he is a nice guy and he doesn’t like to be mean to girls so he just kind of does whatever they want in a kind way…but i am confused…I really want to talk to him about it if he just wants to be friends now or whats up…but i don’t know how to do it so it doesnt seem like im nagging him…please help 🙂

I’m sorry to say that I agree with you. He’s lost interest. You’re also probably right that in an attempt to be “nice” and to not hurt you, he is hurting you. I don’t think he is necessarily using you. He just doesn’t seem to know how to say a clear “no” to you. He drops hints by telling you his dreams and by making sure your friends see him flirting with others. He drops a mega-hint by not giving back during sex. He probably hopes you will break up with him so he doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” and break up with you.

Do both of you a favor: Take a big, big step back from this relationship. Face it that he isn’t returning your feelings. It will hurt for awhile but staying in a relationship of unrequited love will hurt more. Get back into being single so that you can meet someone who is going to love you and cherish you as you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Wife Extremely Paranoid Out of the Blue

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 9th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

7 weeks ago my wife had a full hystorectomy done because she had really bad abdominal pains. almost 2 weeks ago (wednesday) i came home from work and she was crying and was very emotional and wouldnt stop talking about her past and her family. i expected this kind of behavior considering the surgery and comforted her. this went on for a few days. then she became fully convinced that our neighbor (her best friend) wanted her to call child protective services on her husband because of abuse. the strange thing was she never actually talked to friend about it. this idea then began taking over everything she did and she couldnt really fuction and was confused a lot of the time. we also have twin boys which are 3yrs of age and she is a stay at home mother. so finally her friend and i sat her down and had a long talk about her conserns regaurding her friend’s family (sunday). everything seemed to be fine after that..for a couple days. tuesday afternoon hit and i was to be away on a trip for 10 days. i thought she was fine. she was acting like herself again. well on wednesday i got a call from my fist sergeant (i am in the air force) saying my wife was on base and asking for help because her friend’s husband was trying to hurt our kids. she thought that while she and our boys were sleeping he broke into our house, physically abused my sons, then left. she was convinced that my boys have bruises on them. well, she was escorted to the ER and i called a buddy of mine to watch the boys for me untill i was able to catch the next flight back home. she has been in the hospital for 4 days and they are still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. this was out of the blue. i mean it was like a light switch that went off in her head. even when i go and visit her she is absolutely convinced that her friend’s husband is trying to hurt our boys. when in fact is our boys were never hurt and he isnt an abuser. i guess my question is what can cause this. she was normal up untill that one night i came home from work. i miss my wife.

Anecdotally, I am aware of several cases in which a woman has had a medical procedure, such as a hysterectomy or a cesarean section, and experienced a psychotic episode very soon thereafter. It is as though the medical procedure triggered the psychological event. Another possible explanation is that the medical procedure was psychologically traumatizing, thus triggering the psychotic episode. Unfortunately, those theories are virtually impossible to test.

You may never know why your wife has developed her symptoms but what’s most important is that she receives the best possible treatment. She has been in the hospital and fortunately has likely been evaluated by a psychiatrist and members of his or her treatment team. Speak to them about the best way to treat her symptoms. They will likely suggest medication. Medication only works if the patient is willing to take it. Upon her discharge, it will be important for you to ensure that she takes her prescribed medication. The medication can reduce or eliminate her symptoms.

Also inquire about other types of treatment. Speak to the hospital social worker to review the possibilities. Therapy may be an option.

Make sure the hospital staff develops a comprehensive discharge plan that involves followup appointments with community or private mental health agencies. Other important factors involved in helping your wife recover and remain stable should include decreasing stress and having a supportive network of friends and family. Stress can trigger psychological events and therefore it is important that she feels calm and relaxed. Having a supportive network of friends and family can have a buffering effect in that it can reduce the likelihood of future psychological events.

You would also benefit from having support. Connect with your local National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) support groups either online or in person.

I hope that you are able to “get your wife back.” I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Need Help Dealing With My Ex

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 17th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Although im sure I know the answer to this, I need to get it out..I am 44, she is 43..After 3 years of dating my girlfriend ,she tells me she has herpes only because she had a breakout…she has told me the following over the years..that she was raped in college ( the story sounds ridiculous), in her early 20’s apparently ate a bunch of pills and claims the people at the psych ward tried to trick her into signing commitment papers, ended up in Florida in a BDSM relationship…came back to NY where she held 2 or 3 jobs, sleeping with someone from the office…married then divorced ( she claims her ex husband stole all of her money)…was dating another guy who apparently beat her…..at her current job, she slept wih a guy 14 years younger than her, got pregnant and the “donor’ went back to his country, not supporting the child etc….I met her at her current job and have been on and off with her for the past 3 years ( I know im an idiot)…..since she told me about her having herpes, I have been to the doc 2 times, 2 blood tests…im negative….but now all of a sudden she claims I am abusive and threatening her, I was mad as hell, and if she were a man I probably would have knocked her on her ass,but never a threat…..im sure she has a disorder of some sort….she lies constantly, tells the same story 3 times during a week, but its always changing….I am now afraid of this woman because last week, while trying to calm her, I took the blame for everything…admitted I was wrong etc, and have cut her off…..im sure she has another man in the picture, coaching her along on how to set me up( I hope so, let him deal with her)….She may be lying about the Herpes, cause she doesnt know much about it when I ask her…it turns out her brother is a doctor in Baltimore and I get hte feeling he ‘monitors her’,her mom lives in the same building a few floors up from her. when out locally, she is always looking around, like she is afraid someone may recognise her..very bizarre….she seems to me to be a professional victim…1 night in bed, we were staring into each others eyes, and I swear they CHANGED into pure evil for a second, then she smacked me……..nothing is her fault, things get twisted to the extent im apoligising to HER about her exposing me to herpes……I am trying to protect myself because I am afraid of her setting me up…How can I deal with a person like this…I have cut off all contact as of a few days ago, and she knows about my herpes test today.

If I understand your question correctly, you want to know about how to end the relationship with your ex. As you said, you probably already know the answer to this question. One possible tactical error in the relationship was taking the blame for incidents that were not your fault. The potential drawback that such a move may have had was to reinforce the very behavior that you found to be problematic. Your taking the blame could have given her the impression that she can engage in unacceptable behavior without penalty. It may also have led her to believe that she maintains some level of control over you and the relationship.

I only have your version of events. To give you the best possible advice, I would need both sides of the story. Given the information that I was provided and your stated desire to end the relationship, the best course of action would be to stop all contact with her. All contact is the operative phrase. Any contact, even a short e-mail or a text message, etc. could send the message that you still want her in your life.

If you’re having difficulty knowing how to proceed, you may want to consult a therapist. Ending this relationship may not be a straightforward process. A therapist could provide the necessary relationship guidance that you may need in this situation. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Recent and Past Problems with Friends, Boyfriend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 17th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been going through a lot lately. My mom won’t talk to me because I celebrated Christmas for the first time. Also about 3 weeks ago I had a close friend over for a few drinks and I didn’t want her driving home so I asked her to spend the night. Then in the middle of the night, I went to the living room to see if my boyfriend wanted to come back to bed since he couldn’t sleep earlier. When I got there I saw my friend kneeling beside my boyfriend with her arms around him and her head on his chest. His arms were also around her and he was sleeping. So I asked what is going on and when my boyfriend saw me standing there he thought this doesn’t look good at all. I ran to our bedroom crying and slammed the door. About a few minutes later he came in the room and said nothing happened. I went to work the next morning and my so-called friend was texting me apologizing and I said if it happens again there will be severe consequences. I hated her so much for such a long time and now I don’t trust her at all.

It made me have flash backs when I was a teenager seeing my mom seek the comfort of another man and that lead her to have an affair with that man. My bf at first was comforting and understanding but then after he stopped being that way and took my so-called friends side. He denies it but I kept accusing him. It got so bad my depression that he almost asked me to leave because I told him you might of well have slept with her. Recently we went away for the weekend and he brought up the issue. It really upset me because I didnt want to think about it. He told me that he misses how it was before between my so-called friend and I. I told him that it won’t ever go back to the way it was because of what you and her did to me. The damage is done and can’t be repaired. He also said he was going to continue to be her friend and I said ya but she can’t come over anymore. My bf also comments on how great other women look and it makes me feel like I’m ugly. Like today I showed him a bikini and he asked me if it comes with the body. That made me feel like crap. I don’t like him touching me anymore. I’ve also have thoughts everyday about sitting on the kitchen floor with a chefs knife and slowly cutting away at my wrists. Then having him finding me on the bloody floor. I need help about what to do. I’ve tried talking to my bf about how I’m feeling but he just gets mad at me. Please HELP.

This is a complex situation. Your boyfriend seems to have an affinity for your friend and you can’t let go of their betrayal of you. You said in your letter that “the damage is done and it can’t be repaired.” This problem may be repairable but it will require a serious commitment to healing the relationship on the part of both you and your boyfriend. It may also necessitate couples counseling.

You are having thoughts of suicide but seemingly not because you want to end your life. Rather, the purpose would be to punish those who hurt you. Thus the motivation is punishment of the other, not to harm yourself. In essence, you want others to experience the pain and suffering you have endured. Your hurt feelings are understandable but your approach to dealing with them is not healthy. There are other ways to communicate your hurt feelings that do not involve harming yourself.

You say that your boyfriend makes you feel a particular way. Please keep in mind that no one can make you feel anything. Feelings emanate from within you. Your boyfriend may say hurtful and inappropriate things but the feelings generated as a result are yours. The fact that you feel inadequate because of his comments may indicate low self-esteem. Individual counseling could help develop healthy self-esteem.

Your boyfriend betrayed you. Now he cannot understand why you’re having difficulty coming to terms with what he has done. You essentially caught him cheating and he wants to remain in contact with the friend he cheated with. He cannot expect you to simply “get over it.” He has hurt you and if he wants the relationship to continue, then he needs to demonstrate, with actions, not words, that he is worthy of your forgiveness. Thus far there’s little to no evidence of him fully appreciating the pain that he has caused you. If this does not change, the relationship may not be salvageable.

As I mentioned above, you may want to consult a couples therapist. It would be the most efficient way to handle this problem. If your boyfriend is unwilling to attend couples counseling, then you should consider going alone, to an individual therapist. The individual therapist could provide you with the advice and guidance necessary to navigate this complex relationship.

If you feel suicidal, then go to an emergency room or call 911 immediately. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate a therapist in your community. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Don’t Know What I’m Dealing With Crying

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 31st, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have never seen a psychologist or a anything: I have been recently dealing with weird behavior. I have been starting fights with the people I love the most to get them mad at me and then make them say something to hurt me and then I cry, but when I cry it makes me feel better or I have to cry in order to not be mad anymore. I have also been getting angry over small issues that should have little effect on me….but lately its been having huge effects on me. I get irritated by the smallest things..and if I don’t get my way I take it out on someone else. It may sound like I’m a brat,but I feel that’s not the case because i have never experienced feelings and behaviors like this. Could it be the birth control I started about 6 or 7 months ago? I don’t know why i am acting this way all of a sudden.

Birth control medication may explain your change in mood but there may be other reasons. If I were interviewing you in person, I would explore other areas of your life to determine a possible cause. For instance, has there been a recent significant event or change in your life? Have you recently experienced a loss? Did you recently start a new job? Do you use drugs or alcohol? Are you taking any other prescription medication? Have your sleeping patterns changed? Try to think about and perhaps make a list of any changes in your life in the past several months, no matter how insignificant they may seem. Creating this list may help you uncover a possible explanation.

Journaling about your mood swings may also help. Document each time a mood change occurs. Think about what happened prior to and after the event. Write down every detail. Over time, a pattern may emerge. For instance, you might notice that after each incident you feel exhausted because you hadn’t slept well the night prior. In such a case, sleep deprivation may be part of the problem.

Most birth control medicines consist of two main hormones, estrogen and progestin, but there are many variations. Many women have less-than-ideal reactions to the introduction of hormone changes in the body. It is common for birth control medication to be adjusted, in some cases multiple times. I would suggest speaking to your doctor about your concerns. He or she may be able to make adjustments to the medication which could serve to improve your mood. In addition, it’s always important to report new changes or possible side effects about a medication to your prescribing physician.

I would also urge you to educate yourself about other types of birth control. Medications affect individuals differently. There’s a great deal of literature available about this topic and I would encourage you to read as much as you can.

I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Read my Boyfriend’s Emails

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 26th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m writing because my boyfriend and I have a lot of problems in the one year we’ve been together. Six months ago we went on a “break” because I wanted to live with him but he didn’t want to live with me. Even though I didn’t want to end it, the arguments we had over the living together issue seemed to push him to the point of wanting to leave.

After two horrible months of being on a break, things turned around and my boyfriend decided he wanted to be with me again. But around the time we went on a break, I figured out how to read my boyfriend’s emails. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t have, but I was at my wit’s end because I just wanted to be with him and didn’t know what to do.

In his emails, he writes most candidly to his best friend. Even before we were having problems, it seems he and his friend liked to joke about him not being with me. It’s a running theme in all their emails to each other that I’m a ball and chain and that his friend would prefer it if my boyfriend were single like him.

A lot of things I’ve read have made me really uncomfortable. Like my boyfriend describing how “hot” these two girls he ran into were. Or his friend joking about my boyfriend getting as much “break up” sex from me as he can. I also learned that a girl actively pursued my boyfriend while we were on a break and his friend encouraged my boyfriend to sleep with her while he was still sleeping with me; in the emails my boyfriend jokes about how hard it was for him to turn her down (in real life, he’s told me about this girl, but acts like he was never attracted to her, etc).

Beyond all this, the WAY my boyfriend and his friend talk to each other disgusts me. I know men talk to each other differently than they do with women, but it really makes me wonder what my boyfriend’s true personality is, because his personality through these emails with his friend seems so completely different.

What saddens me through all of this is that I would never talk about my boyfriend to my friends the way he talks about me to his one best friend in these emails. I think in some way his friend feels threatened by the prospect of my boyfriend being with anyone, and the two of them like to play into this together. It’s almost as if my boyfriend relishes being able to tell his friend bad things about me, as if to prove being in a relationship is silly and he’ll soon be single again.

I’m not sure what to make of it all and would really love any advice. I know I shouldn’t be reading my boyfriend’s emails, but it’s hard because now I feel there’s something about my boyfriend he isn’t portraying to me, like I’m not getting the full truth. I also feel hurt at all the negative things he and his friend have said about me.

Thanks so much if you do end up responding.

Thank you for asking. It is a tough question because of the way you received the information. But you know that already, and the details are too intense to ignore. First let me say something about how men talk to other men about women they are involved with. Men who respect and love their wives and girlfriends see the relationship as an extension of themselves. They don’t trash a woman they love. They might be upset, confused, frustrated, angry, and talk to their friends about what to do, but they don’t go trashing a woman they care deeply about. That tends to happen when there is little or no commitment.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend may not be mature enough for a commitment. But the real question is what do you want to do about this? He has secrets from you and now you do from him.

Couples counseling may be important because if you decide to confront him about reading the emails you can have the advantage of a professional there to guide you through. The risk of not confronting him is that you will carry a resentment. Individual counseling would be important for coping with that. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate either a couples or individual counselor in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I have no faith in others

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 14th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I believe that I have issues trusting people. I grew up in a home where my parents hated each other and it was no secret. I never liked my mother who is controlling and selfish. My mother wouldn’t accept anything unless in her mind it was right. My father, for half of my life, was an alcoholic and didn’t come home very often. Although when my father was at home I would spend all of my time with him. At one point in my life my parents separated and my father disappeared without notice or any phone number we could even reach him at. I was devastated. The relationship between my mother and me only got worse. We would constantly get into fights and physical altercations just because I viewed something differently than her. Eventually my father stopped drinking and my parents thought they would give their marriage and our family a second chance. Nothing ever changed; except for the fact my father was sober.

I was rarely allowed to have friends over because of my mothers religion, she believed all outsiders of the church were worldly and a bad association. I was also rarely allowed to go to friend’s houses because of the same reasoning. My two sisters (both older) were too busy worrying about themselves and hope to cope, we didn’t‚t come together and help each other through it, we just tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening. I had no one in my family to turn to and few friends to talk with. When I was a teenager I had major problems with anger, which was the only emotion that I really knew how to express. I learned to keep most of my thoughts and emotions to myself.

My parents divorced when I was 16 and although I was thankful that the fights and screaming were over, the fact that my life felt like it was falling apart even more hurt me inside. The courts filed joint custody but I couldn’t stand to live with my mother, always getting into fights, slapping, pushing, just the overall control, so I decided to live with my father. In my teenage years I fell into drugs to suppress my feelings and emotions. While living with my father I snuck out, did drugs and drank. Of coarse I tried hiding this all, but I think that he knew the whole time and just ignored the problem. My father and I also got into a physical altercation because he called me a n***** lover (me being white and my boyfriend of 2 years at the time being black) I didn’t agree with that so I called him [something in return].

He lost it and struck me in the face a few times, which cut my eyebrow, open. I was 17 and my father threw me out on the street. I went to live with my friend and paid rent with the part time job that I had. From then on it was back and forth with my father. I would always forgive him because I loved him dearly. One time my father said I’m sorry I hit you but minutes later he told me that I deserved it. Just this past year I was living with my father again and going to college. I had a job, paid for my own things, got good grades, then one day my brother in law threatened me so I turned to my dad for help and immediately he was on his side telling me I was being dramatic and that I needed to leave. Next thing I know I was homeless, once again sleeping on a friends couch. After all of the years of emotional abuse and physical altercations I was tired of being treated that way by my family and now I no longer speak to any of them besides one of my sisters.

I believe that I have grown well from all of this; there is just one thing that haunts me. I have never quite grasped how to trust and how to forgive. I’ve always been the one to slowly go into relationships (whether just friends or partners) and the second they do ANYTHING wrong I no longer speak or associate with them.

I have many friends, VERY few who I share my thoughts with. The major problem I have is with my love relationships.

I have never been ably to fully trust a man with my heart. Not only have I been cheated on by 4 out of the 5 guys I have had serious relationships with, but I also believe this could be rooting from the relationship I had with my father.

I have a new boyfriend now, and he is the best man I have had in my life. I have decided that I do trust him, but at the same time I can’t fight the erg to check his online profile. He is also a friend with a lot of girls and I have expressed that I would like to meet them and it just hasn’t really happened, although he would agree to introduce me to them. We have only been seeing each other for about 4 months and officially dating for 3. When I get on his profile there is never anything out of the ordinary but when I see a post from another girl my heart just sinks. I know in my head that I shouldn’t feel this way, he is allowed to be friends with whomever he chooses, but I still can’t shake the feeling of heartache.

In my mind I create scenarios, and have a belief that I will get hurt. I think to myself that he is going to lie to me, cheat on me, or possibly just leave me with no sign. It keeps me from opening myself up to him. These thoughts actually bring me physical pain and make me very emotional. I have a really good feeling about him, the way he treats me is like no others and he is completely selfless. I just want to put all of my old behaviors behind me and be able to have a carefree relationship.

How do I teach myself to put faith in others?

I admire the resilience that emerges from your description of your background. You have identified the root of your mistrust of men by referring to the relationship with your father. You also have a knack, it seems, for choosing men who will betray you as your father did. The combination of your experience with your father and the history with men has indeed created this awareness. Having trust issues in your current relationship makes sense with these life experiences.

But it isn’t simply who you choose that is part of the paradigm. If your experience is to be betrayed and abandoned, then there may be a part of you that will have difficulty accepting closeness because once someone got close there was a betrayal. In other words, the fear of intimacy creates a condition where you are on alert to protect yourself: Whatever protects, inhibits.

I recommend three things to move through this: group therapy, talking honestly to your friends, and opening up about your concerns to your new boyfriend.

Group therapy is specifically designed to correct the dynamics from the family of origin. See who specializes in that in your area under our find help tab at the top of the page. The truth is no one in your family was able to see your needs and help to support you. That is why you are not only guarded with your boyfriend, but also with your friends. The only way to challenge these fears is by testing them out in reality. One thing that group therapy will do is help you see what the original dynamics were and give you a chance to correct them. Your friends and boyfriend are your family of choice; try opening up to them about your concerns. If they are the real deal they will respond in a way that deepens the relationship. If not, find ones that will.

The truth is you have coped with betrayal with a very high degree of resilience. If it happens again you will have the tools to cope again. But the correction comes when we can do with others what we couldn’t do in our family. For you this means finding a way to share your concerns, needs, and desires with those who can respond adequately in a loving way.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Overly Emotional

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 1st, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

…a little crazy and totally lost: I’m 17 and for the past 3 months I’ve been feeling really down. I’ve no real reason to be, I’m a full time student with a good part time job, a loving boyfriend, a great family and have been getting good marks at university. However, lately I’ve been feeling really lost. I’ve been having mood swings- I often find I’m either on a really high or low, usually low mood, and that this changes quickly. I’ve also been feeling very irritable, and have found myself snapping at my family for no apparent reason. I’ve been on the contraceptive pill since October, and I was wondering if this could be some kind of hormone excess? I’m really not sure. I’m also crying frequently and feel like I’ve got no real passion or talent for any of the things I used to be interested in.
At times I really do feel like I’m going crazy and I also feel that I can’t really talk to anyone about this because they’ll either think I’m being attention seeking or overly dramatic, however I don’t think either of these things are true and I do generally feel like I’m totally lost with finding a solution to this problem. I would appreciate any help or advice that you can give me. Thanks.

Birth control medication can impact mood. Some studies have shown that women taking birth control medication can have increased feelings of depression when compared to women who were not taking a birth control pill. It is possible that your symptoms are attributable to the birth control pill. The only way to know for certain would be to discontinue the birth control medication and see if it makes a difference in your mood. I would strongly advise against such a decision without the assistance and supervision of your prescribing physician.

Birth control pills may be part of the problem but there are other possibilities as well. Sleeping problems or sleep disorders are associated with rapid mood changes. Sleep deprivation not only can negatively affect an individual’s mood but also many other aspects of their life, including physical health, quality of life, memory, and even their appearance. A recent study demonstrated that individuals who received the proper amount of sleep were judged to be more attractive when compared to their sleep-deprived counterparts.

I believe you should discuss this matter with the physician who prescribed the birth control medication. He or she may have additional information or insights regarding medication side effects. Discuss the possibility of changing to a different type of birth control. It could have a significantly positive impact upon your mood. I would also suggest that you educate yourself about the side effects of your specific type of birth control and about birth control in general. If the problem continues without improvement, consider consulting a therapist. He or she can teach you important skills for dealing with mood swings. Virtually everyone could benefit from learning these important and much needed skills. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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