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Teen Depression

Relationship and Motivation Problems

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 12th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From New Zealand: I’m 17 and in the last year or so i’ve been having problems with motivation, people, family members, and especially myself. all my life i’d have a week-month phase of being really energetic or into something and eventually but indefinitely, i would just sink back into feeling very hopeless, just really turning into a waste of space really. I find it hard to deal with people naturally during this time and i also find it harder to sleep or wake up. i find myself having to act and pretend to be happy..

i can’t deal with anyone normally, i act really weird around them as in either completely shy or borderline sexual harassment. i literally cannot control how i act unless i am very angry. i act so weird and i can’t control it, so i feel noone knows who i am inside.

forever now, my mother has been promising me to give up drinking and she never does i hate how i get home and i see her ugly face when she’s been drinking and the house smells disgusting like wine and her voice sounds disgusting too she is disgusting i hate alcohol now and everytime someone drinks it around me i feel sick and i feel they’re going to hurt me and blame me for everything like she did…

i hate seeing my face because i look like her and i wake up and see her disgusting saggy face staring back at me from the mirror… i can’t be who i want to be, even if i am, it lasts for a month or two maximum before i spiral back to where i came from… i am so passionate about things sometimes and the next week i feel how i feel now, that nothings ever going to work out and that i’m never going to stay happy or be happy please help me i’m so tired of this but i’m not sure if it’s important enough,

i’ve been to a phychiatrist and she said i’m completely normal and told me to meditate to get rid of the chatter in my mind and i pretended to feel better to stop the sessions cause they weren’t helping what should i do…

You’ve said a tremendous amount in a short letter. I can’t assess what’s wrong with so little information, but I do believe you that you feel like something just isn’t right.

Sometimes the first counselor a person sees isn’t a “fit”. I encourage you to get a second opinion from a mental health counselor. Take your letter with you and share it as a way to give the counselor a quick overview of how you feel.

Among the issues I would want to explore with you are these:

You may be experiencing some of the common problems of an adult child of an alcoholic. Take a look at this website to see if it helps: http://www.adultchildren.org/

You said your mother hurt you. You may be working through trauma related to those experiences. See this website: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm

You described a history of ups and downs. I don’t have enough information to determine whether that was in reaction to what was going on at home or if you may have symptoms of bi-polar illness. When you see a therapist, she/he will be able to help you figure that out.

You made an important first step by writing to us here at LifeHelper. Please follow through and take care of yourself by finding a counselor to work with.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 2nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m not in a constant state of sadness, but I have moments where I feel very sad, sometimes even suicidal. I recently asked my parents if I could get a therapist, but I only mentioned stress because I thought they would be too worried if I mentioned depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. However, I did end up telling my principal two days ago that I think about harming myself about once a week, which means she told my dad that I do. He’s in another country, so he’s not addressing it directly; he has just been writing more emails to me.
I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 months ago (about a month after school started), and ever since then, I feel very awkward when talking to anyone besides the people I have known for two years. I’m always unconsciously thinking about what to say next. I know I have a lot of friends at school, but it just does not feel comfortable talking to any of them (this is my first year going to this school). Before I broke up with my boyfriend, I was just shy in talking to some people, not awkward. I am theorizing that breaking up with him has done something to my conscience, but I’m not entirely sure why.

When I talked to my principal, she told me that I strike off to her as a very confident person. It’s very strange because I have a really bad self-image, and I think I’m one of the most unconfident people in the world. I hate myself, and whenever I talk to myself, it’s very negative.
My mom makes me very angry sometimes, and it can make me suicidal. It can also make me look psychotic. I don’t exactly remember how because I think I cope with things by forgetting everything that happened.

Sometimes, I wanna cry, but I just physically can’t. I can’t cry until something just completely breaks me, usually a caring email from my dad. I only ever have nightmares. The last good or neutral one I remember is from about 5 years ago. I just dreamed today that I was kidnapped. I’ve never been abused or had any sort of trauma, so this is all very confusing.

Anyway, the main thing that made me wanna write here is that I can’t naturally have a conversation with anyone anymore. How do I fix this? How do I stop worrying about what people think? How do I start being myself again when I don’t even know what my personality is or used to be?

I can hear your persistence and bravery and trying to address these uncomfortable feelings in your life. I think you’ve done all the right things. Letting your principal know is a good thing and, even though your dad is away and hasn’t been able to help very much, the important thing is that you’re talking to somebody about your thoughts and feelings.

The kind of things you are talking about are symptoms that professional people have learned a great deal about. If your parents will not let you see a therapist, or are slow to make those arrangements, ask to see your general physician or pediatrician. When you talk to him or her explain these thoughts and he or she will be able to get you the help you need. The important thing is that you keep reaching out and letting people know what’s going on.

You may also want to use our online forums to make a connection with others dealing with similar issues.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Think that I Am Depressed

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. August 26th, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

First of all, sorry for my bad english. I’ll get straight to the problem, I think I have depression or something similar. I always feel bad and I think of hurting myself a lot, I’m always depressed and I cry for no reason, I’m always tired and I don’t enjoy doing what I did before. I’ve tried telling my parents about the problem but they laugh it off and at this point I’m too afraid to tell them because they will either scream at me or just put me down. I think this depression started from the age of 8-9. It was at that time when my mom divorced with my dad and they got separate lives. I ended up being with my mom and she also got a man with who she married later on (I think this is where the problem starts). My stepdad turned out to be a drunkard, he would always drink and scream at my mother, my mom is pretty strong so she would always shout too. My parents were fighting everyday, they would always ignore me and I was always alone, I started crying a lot because they were fighting everyday and i couldn’t stand it. I also remember how my stepdad beat me once for crying..but i was 10 years old…why? I tried not to be in my parents way so i studied and did everything by myself. At school I always seem happy and all my classmates say that I’m really cheerful and that I always smile (actually I don’t…I feel painful inside but I can’t tell them because I’m embarrassed of my family and I’m also scared to bring friends home). When I reached 15, I finally thought that I got a good friend who will understand me, but she just ditched me and left me alone. At this point I’m scared to make friends and I cry everyday and I feel really bad. My health isn’t good either, I had 3 surgeries (I wont type them here because it wont fit) so whenever I feel pain, I just endure it, I’m used to it…I think everyday why am I here? Why was I born? I know that a lot of people have it worse and my friends would laugh at me… but at this point… I have no support, no one believes me. Please help (age16, from Estonia).

I’m sorry that things have been so painful for you for so long. There is a chance that you could be depressed, but you have good reason to be. It is important that you find some help and support somewhere. If you have tried talking with your parents about your struggles and they laugh at you, it is time to find another trusted adult who you can confide in. Please consider speaking with a teacher, your school counselor or nurse, your doctor, an adult friend of the family, or another family member. I’m not sure what your relationship is with your biological father but can you speak to him about your home situation and how miserable you feel? Hopefully someone can help you get in touch with a mental health professional, but you also might be able to do this on your own. In our country, teens of a certain age can seek some counseling even without parent permission.

I also think you need to try harder to make friends and reach out to them. Don’t worry so much about being judged or not understood. Everyone has problems and needs support. Maybe if you extend trust to someone, they will in turn confide in you as well. But also, don’t let one or two broken friendships keep you from trying again.  Teenage relationships can be very fluid… so your best bet is to learn to ride the waves rather than just give up.

You’ve been through a lot of stressful things and I hope that you find some support soon. Things will get better and you will eventually be able to choose your own living situation as well as who you spend time with. In the meantime, reach out and do your best to surround yourself with positive people.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Stressed and Loads of Other Feelings

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 13th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

There’s a lot of feelings going on inside me for nearly two years now and I can’t always make sense of them or why they’re there. I’ve stopped caring about a lot of things and people, I still care about the few friends and some things to help pass the time the rest I’m just unable to care about. I get panic attacks and anxiety attacks but we haven’t really seen a doctor about it because my parents say I’m just bringing it on myself by worrying and over reacting too much and whenever they say that, it makes it so much harder for me to tell anyone if I’ve had another attack or if I feel like giving up (not in the suicidal way but in a way where I just can’t cope with the feelings anymore) and so all the feelings just keep bundling up and they tear me up inside because I know if I ever ask my parents if I could just get a medical opinion or just even say how upset and anxious I’ve been for a while now, they’ll say that I’m ‘just following that depressed trend that every other teenage girl is trying to do’ but I’m really not. Also my dad and his side of the family may have some mental issues here and there whether that’s relevant or not but I thought I should include it. Sometimes I also can get weird feelings about stuff, like if someone sits in a certain place it can make me feel angry and upset at the same time, or if a few people ask me to do some things for them, I just kind of shit down almost and I feel like crying and screaming, not that I wouldn’t mind helping them, I’m fine with helping them but it doesn’t feel right in my head. Also I’m really bad in social situations with people I don’t really know that well because if they point out how quiet I am, when they leave the conversation, rather than working on it — although I do try — it makes me even quieter and more scared to talk up. (From England)

Thank you for your email. It can be particularly frustrating when we try to tell those who love us that we are not feeling well, and they ignore us.

Since you are still in school, I would recommend you talk to your nurse or a counselor there. Explain yourself to them — or trusted teacher. While these thoughts and feelings are very common for teenagers they are often dismissed or ignored by others. Believe it or not the good news is that you are not dismissing them or ignoring them yourself. You are the world’s expert on your feelings — and YOU know that they are not okay. Don’t give up. Let other trusted adults know you need help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Life Feels like It Has Been Messed Up Since the Beginning

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 24th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen guy in the U.S.: I have had what one would call a rough life. Recently my step-dad and mom have been fighting and it’s becoming almost everyday. And I am scared about what’s going to happen. I’ve already ended up being abused in my step-grandmother’s house. Then was stuck in a hallway and slept in a sleeping bag where I would go to school smelling like mildew and ammonia. I have been picked on a lot.

And I have a girlfriend now. She has anxiety disorder, and I talk to her a lot for advice, but I try not to recently because it’s just way to much. She will find it annoying sooner or later. She does go to therapy and she tells me all the time that I should consider it. But I really can’t go, like it’s expensive, and my family would never let me go. They wouldn’t understand. If anything they would get angry.

What I’m really asking for is advice… How do I get rid of the ever wrenching feeling of emptiness out of my chest? How do I stop myself from purposely doing things that are bad such as deleting whole YouTube accounts, and tearing favorite books? I just…. I really don’t know what to do. Aside from my girlfriend telling me I need help and that I have severe SAD. What am i suppose to do….?

Should I just embrace it, let it just consume me? I’ve thought about it, and, boy, does it sound inviting. To just give up, to let the human part of me die. To stop being who I am. Because some reason….. I think so…. how can I put this?; 3rd person like. I think more from a 3rd person perspective. And it really has affected me. And I can’t help it. Now most likely no one will find this or no one even begins to comprehend what is wrong with me. Maybe theres nothing wrong with me. Who knows…….?

Please listen to your girlfriend. She cares about you. She cares enough to give you really good advice. You need a therapist to help you come to terms with your past and to take charge of your present and future.

Many communities have programs for teens who need treatment but can’t afford it. Please talk to your school guidance counselor about resources that are available. If free therapy isn’t offered locally, consider joining a support group either here at LifeHelper or in your town. Sometimes churches offer guidance through youth groups and individual conversations. There are also excellent books that can help you sort out your feelings. Explore your local bookstore. This article might give you some ideas as well: #/lib/when-you-cant-afford-psychotherapy/

Your situation is not unique. Many, many people do not get the family they wish they had. But family is not just about blood relationships. We can each create real “family” with good friends we take into our hearts. Those connections are just as real, just as precious and just as loyal as those that some people are fortunate enough to be born to. I hope you will start embracing other people to make yourself a strong and loving support system that will last a lifetime.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boarding School Issues

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. July 8th, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I chose to leave home and study abroad at boarding school when I was eight. I have been living away from family for the past 16 years. I regret this decision and blamed myself. Over the past 16 years, I have not been very happy and my personality changed but have only realized this over the past few years. Before I went to study abroad, I was happy but ever since, I am not. The older I got, the more secrets I have and the more I keep my true self to myself. My parents and teachers have always reminded that I have to be good. Ever since the first day at boarding school, I have learned to only act good and follow the rules and never to step out of lines. People/ teachers like good and trouble-free student.

I only got to go home and see parents three times a year, and the rest of the time, I lived at school or with my guardians. Over time, I have hidden my true self and no longer know how to act freely and have fun. I always feel insecure and doubting myself. I also get angry very easily, very emotional. I am very jealous of people who got to grow up at home and wish that I had the chance but cannot turn back time.

I find that I feel very isolated and lonely and don’t know how to be around other people. Whenever, I am in a group I feel even more isolated as I always seem to be forgotten by other people, almost invisible. Although, over the time I was away from home, there have been many people who have been very nice to me. For eg, My guardians, they treated me like their own but I cannot open myself to them, I still feel I do not belong.

I have recently moved back home but still cannot remove these guilty, unhappy, lonely feelings. I sometimes will start crying because I am so unhappy (sometimes with work/ colleagues) and got no one to talk to. I don’t have many friends and struggles to speak of my mind/ feelings. I recently read an article online regarding boarding school syndrome, saying that young children that leave home at an early age can have an effect on them as they have grown up without parents/ love. Do I need help? (age 26, from Hong Kong)

I’m sorry that you have been struggling with these issues for so long. It is true that being raised apart from our parents during crucial developmental years can have a negative impact on our personality. However, from what I can gather, Boarding School Syndrome looks at a broader range of issues. It not only addresses being outside of your parents home but also the possibility of being sent away against your will, having harsh or abusive teachers or guardians, being exposed to abuse by peers because of the 24/7 nature of the schools, and so forth.

Even though you said that you “chose to go,” I don’t feel that a decision like that should be up to an 8-year-old child. You also stated that your guardians were very nice to you and treated you like their own child. These factors are in your favor, and I am hopeful that you can still learn any skills that you may have missed by growing up in a boarding school. You did not mention any type of abuse either, so again, this is in your favor.

If you focus your energy on reconnecting to your family now that you are reunited, making friends and broadening your social support system, chances are that you will start feeling better about yourself and your life. I think it would be a great idea to find a therapist to help you fill in the gaps you may be missing. Especially one who has expertise with early childhood attachment issues.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Everyone Hates Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 13th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a 17 year old guy and a high school student and my problem is everyone is hostile toward me. I have no actual friends and even school idiots ridicule me. I’m doing really good in education, but that does not affect my social status. No one permits me to join their conversation and whenever they let me to join, they probably want to ridicule me in between.

I just can’t do anything right, so as a result I don’t know any sports and whenever I join a sports team everyone start to insult me from the beginning until the end of the game and name me “the worst player ever” after the match. I never get aggressive and I forgive others on what they say to me but if it goes with this rate, I will end in some physical fights with them. I have been defined as “weird”, “extremely unpleasant” and “annoying” by people who I have to deal with everyday.

I have been severely abused by my mother (both physically and emotionally) in my childhood and my mother always told me:”You can’t do anything! You are worth nothing!” and words similar to that and her toxic words are now coming real. Nowadays except education I can’t do anything right. I’m very weak, both physically and emotionally.

Can you help me on this? Thanks.

Thank you for writing. It may be that your mother’s words created what’s called a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” You were told from an early age that you couldn’t do anything. Kids believe the grown ups, so you accepted the judgement. The result may have been that either you didn’t try or that the normal mistakes that come with learning anything new became proof in your mind that she was right. The less you tried, the more incompetent you became. The same thing may have happened with social skills. You already believed that you couldn’t interact with others so it’s possible that you stopped trying, which resulted in not learning what you needed to know to be comfortable interacting with others.

Fortunately, anything that is learned can be unlearned. You are good at studying things so now you need to start studying people. Take some time out from trying to socialize in order to give yourself some social skills lessons. Pick out some people who are comfortable socially and watch them carefully. Listen to how they manage conversations. Observe their body language. I’m not suggesting you be a stalker. I am suggesting that you are around people every day who know something you don’t about getting along with others. You can learn a great deal by paying attention.

Similarly, take some time out from trying to fit in with sports and get yourself some lessons and take time to practice. You didn’t mention if your father is in the picture so I’m guessing he is not. But perhaps you have an athletic relative who would be willing to teach you about a sport. If not, consider talking with a coach at school about giving you some private lessons.

Another alternative is to find a sport where you are on a team but mostly competing with yourself. Swimming and track or cross country running, for example, are sports where the object is to improve your own time. They are also sports where you can practice on your own.

You are a smart young man. Social and athletic skills will not happen like magic. But they can happen with self-discipline and practice. Your mother is wrong. Her comments haven’t been at all helpful. Now that you are in your teens, you are less dependent on her and more able to judge things for yourself.

Take charge of your own social and physical education. Give it a year of real effort and things will be different by this time next year.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Just Started Cutting Myself…

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 2nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 15 years old and just started cutting myself last night, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My biological father died the beginning of this month, and I just feel like crap. All my mom and step-dad do is yell at me, I have no friends and no one to talk to. I’m so far behind in my school work and I think about killing myself all the time. I’ve felt bad and had problems even before things started getting worse. I was actually diagnosed with bipolar when I was 10, but my mother took me out of therapy after the lady said I had bipolar. If I mention anything about the diagnosis she just says there is nothing wrong with me and that I’m fine. I go to an online schooling program so I never leave the house and spend most of my time in my room. I do start normal school next year though. Last night I just felt horrible and I just don’t know. I hate to admit it but I don’t really take care of myself either. It’s really hard for me to get out of bed and brush my teeth or take a shower. I don’t really do anything anymore. I don’t think I could be put in therapy. Even if my parents would allow me to go they wouldn’t be able to afford it. Everything just got worse after my dad died. We were not close so I didn’t think it would affect me when he died. He did drugs, cheated on my mom, he even threatened to kill us when I was a kid. I don’t think my mom really helped, she would tell us everything he would say. Doctors threatened to put me and my brother in foster care because of the condition we were living in. Now my mom has been married to this guy for 4 years and they fight all the time. We live in a trailer so I can always here when their fighting. My grades have dropped and I just don’t know. I feel like this is all over the place. What’s should I do?

I am so glad you chose to write us here and tell us what’s been going on. I’m sorry that you lost your dad. Profound losses in our lives can often throw us off. It sounds like your mom and stepdad have more on their own plate than they can handle. This means it is time for you to take care of your needs more directly. Just like you reached out here — I am going to encourage you to reach out directly and your community for help. Your city has a large and well organized woman center. Your parents aren’t giving you the help you need so it is time to ask these agencies directly. If you have begun cutting please do this sooner rather than later. The center has low or no cost therapy that you should be able to use.

In the meantime please use our forums here at LifeHelper to talk with others about what you are going through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why Do I Always Lie?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 26th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: Incase it effects answers at all, I’ve been officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADD and Type one diabetes. The problem is that almost every second of everyday, I feel like if I tell the entire truth in any kind of situation something bad will happen, or I will be in trouble. I’ve never had any betrayals in my past that would leave an imprint on who I am, or ever felt unsafe telling the truth at home or at school. I’;m too ashamed to share this in the real world so I work very hard to keep track of my lies and keep them going so I’m never caught. It’s usually very small things, like in a story – time of day, exact setting, or who was there. I dont ever consciously do it with a goal in mind, and it doesn’t often change how someone would view or think of me. Rarely do they make my life easier, more often than not harder. I’m scared I’m going to ruin my life or relationships, and wanted any possible suggestions at improving myself or finding the root of this problem?

Wow. You are dealing with a lot! You told me that you have been officially diagnosed, but you didn’t mention if you are getting any kind of treatment. I certainly hope so.

Having Type 1 diabetes itself is a lot to handle on your own. It means a lifetime of self-monitoring and self-discipline that most people don’t have to deal with. I hope your endocrinologist or local hospital has a support group for young people to help young people like you find ways to manage the disease so that it doesn’t influence every part of your life. If you can’t find such a group, think about asking your doctor to start one. I’m not talking about a group to just learn more about the practical aspects of self-management. I’m hoping you can find a group that also encourages the teens involved to talk about their feelings and how they are navigating being different from kids who don’t have to test and adjust all day.

You should also be getting some talk therapy to help you deal with the depression, anxiety and ADD. Medicine alone usually isn’t enough. I suspect your habit of lying a little in almost every situation is some kind of coping behavior for you. Without knowing more about you, I can’t go into depth here. But a licensed mental health counselor can help you figure out how the white lies somehow help you. I do suspect it has something to do with needing to feel in control of at least something about your life. But maybe not.

I also want you to know that ADD isn’t a sentence. You can learn ways to work around it. Some of the most successful young adults I know have ADD and have found ways to use it to their advantage. Yes, they need to keep lists and calendars to make sure they don’t forget to do something important. But they tell me that what others see as “distractibility” is, for them, a gift. They tell me that thinking of many things at once helps them multi-task. What looks like not paying attention is really that they are paying attention to too much at once. They have had to learn how to sort among all the things they think and see to find what to focus on.  A therapist can also be your coach is making ADD work for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Really Feel Anymore

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 18th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been trying to get my life back on track and I’m failing. I want to feel happy and be who I used to be. My best friend of over two years is moving away in a few months and I probably won’t ever see her again.

I feel like I’m losing myself. I constantly belittle myself and degrade myself even after people give me compliments. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I’ve battled depression for about five years. I used to be very close to my father but after he remarried, I feel like our relationship has been dwindling. Whenever I’m over at his house he never really pays attention to me so I set myself aside from everyone. Even when I’m at my mom’s house.

I want to feel like I belong. I want to be confident and not hate myself. I also have cystic acne and that’s part of the reason why I have such a problem with myself. I don’t know how to regain feeling. I’ve been numb before and this is somewhat worse.

My brother was joking around saying he was going to die and my first thought was “Oh well”. I love people but I don’t at the same time. I hate being social but I yearn for someone to notice when I’m gone or for them to want me. I just need to know what’s wrong with me…

I think that you might already know what’s wrong. As you wrote, you have been depressed for about five years. In addition, your best friend is moving away. It’s difficult to lose close friends. It makes sense that you are feeling more sad than usual.

Here are some actionable ideas to help resolve this problem. First, speak to your father about your “dwindling” relationship. If he knew how he felt, he might change his behavior. You should also tell him about your depression and how you are upset about losing your best friend. Make him aware of these problems. He may be able to help.

Second, you should also tell your mother about what’s wrong. Ask that she take you to counseling. She could help you find a mental health professional who specializes in treating depression in teenagers. Counseling is one of the best treatments for depression.

Third, consult a doctor about your cystic acne. If possible, choose a dermatologist who specializes in treating this condition. You might find a good dermatologist through Internet research. Ask your parents to help you find a good doctor. If the first one doesn’t help, the second one might. If the second one doesn’t help you, the third one might. Just keep trying. Not all dermatologists are equally good.

Lastly, you could relieve your daily stress by journaling. Writing about strong emotions can provide intense relief. It could help you process difficult emotions and clarify your thinking. I hope these ideas help, if only in some small way. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Split Personality?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 16th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in England: I am 13 years old, coming up to 14 and have just started my GCSE studies in England which are going okay. (Wondering if this info was important- stress? idk)

Where should I start? Split personality?

Since the start of year eight (one year ago now) I have been acting quite strange and it is beyond my abilities to control this: It’s as if there are two sides to me. There’s one side to me where I can be hyper active, enthusiastic, funny, caring ect. There is however, another side that I am more often: Where I am quiet, cold, not really caring of anyone else, rebellious per say, almost violent (although I can control that, but I have occurring thoughts). I cannot control when or where I ‘switch’ and cannot control ‘switching’ back.

For the past six or so months, it has come to my attention that I may be depressed after many recurring suicidal thoughts, and when I broke up with my (now) ex boyfriend, I got pushed to the edge with all the stress, friend issues, sister being severely ill, bullying, school, anger, possible anxiety and my close friend has recently had serious issues with her, too.

I can’t stop crying sometimes, have moments where I just realize how much everything is diving me deeper into a stressful hole and I start having mini panic attacks, not being able to breathe, shaking and just sit in the corner of the room ect. (Not very bad though)

One of my friends has anxiety, and she really puts it out there. As if she’s attention-seeking, however she has documents and things but she’s showing if off as if she’s proud of it. However, the moment I bring it up she says I don’t have it as she ‘knows what it’s like’. But, I would prefer a second view on this.

Sometimes I get moments when someone talks to me where I panic, don’t know what to say ect. With close-ish friends, I talk more enthusiastically, adding jokes and such, but if I know them quite well, I still have trouble talking to them at times. I panic, loose my breath and just back out or avoid conversations I can’t handle. However, this goes away when I preform on stage and connect with the audience. I feel I belong there, but nowhere else.
Thanks.

Thank you for writing. When someone has concerns such as these, it’s important to sort out whether there is a psychological problem, a medical problem, or the normal ups and downs that go with adolescence. It could be any of those or it could be a combination.

Your first stop should be with your doctor. I hope you have a physician who has known you for awhile and who you trust. Make an appointment. Share your letter to give the doctor an overview of your concerns. It could be that you are going through the normal feelings of abnormality that go with the hormone adjustments that are common for someone your age.

If the doctor feels there is a larger problem, ask for a referral to a mental health counselor to talk to. Again, bring your letter. It will help the counselor quickly understand what needs to be discussed.

One or the other professional may make recommendations for treatment. You and your parents can then decide what makes the most sense for you.

I’m very glad you have discovered the theater. The teen years can be very, very stressful. It’s important to pursue an interest that takes you away from the day to day stressors of schools, friends, and relationships. Stick with it. Stick with it both as a performer and as a stage tech. The skills you gain will be helpful to you no matter what you decide to do in life.

As for your friend: It concerns me greatly that some teens seem to like the drama of having something wrong with them. Being normal doesn’t make someone boring or ordinary or not special. What will make someone boring or ordinary is living a boring life. There are plenty of opportunities to be a volunteer in your community, to follow an interest (like theater), to get excited about a particular subject in school or to get involved in a club or sport. A high self-esteem isn’t something people are born with. It’s something you earn by doing things that make a difference to yourself and others.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Feel Numb and Have No Idea What I Am Doing with My Life

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. April 8th, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m 15 and am haunted by the question if I am wasting my life. I often question what the hell I am doing, but then I feel like physically hurting myself because I strongly wish I could disappear. My father is an alcoholic and has always been for what I can remember. My mother is a lying, irresponsible woman who abandoned her three children for other men and would come crawling back to my father once they had left her. My father has been emotionally and physically abusive to all three of his children and my mother. My parents do not know of certain traumatizing events that I experienced. My mother is currently living thirty minutes away from me and my family, with her ten month year old son and boyfriend. I see her about every three weeks and again and again only receive disappointment from her. When I was younger, my mother tried to overdose in front of me and she then and now takes medicine for her anxiety. At age 11, I began to cut myself and it is still something I struggle with today, and I am now nearly 16. I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and though in the past two years have deeply contemplated killing myself, I am still here trying to be more than what ever my parents are. I write nearly everyday and work about three days a week to distract myself from the pathetic issues of my parents who try to blame their current suffering on their children. I have a deep, deep hatred for myself. I used to starve myself and still have a distorted vision of my body that haunts me everyday. My anxiety is slowly eating the only sanity I have left, and I do not feel as if I have the energy to fight back anymore. I feel as if I am fighting within myself. One part of me plays the victim, if that makes any sense, and only thinks about how this is all unfair and the other part of me questions my emotions and I tell myself I am only exaggerating. I feel as if I have a hole in my heart and such a lack of love and attention in my life and try to fill it with substances that I have experienced – alcohol, drugs, and I let married men at my work touch me and speak to me because I am taking anything to fill the vacant hole in my heart and soul. I am running out of options and nothing and no one is making me feel any better, and I hate myself for saying that because I know I am the only one able to fix my life, but then again, I feel so alone and need someone, something, anything. (age 15, from US)

I’m sorry that life has been so difficult for you so far, and I know it sounds cliché, but please don’t give up hope — because your life is only beginning. You can’t help what you have been exposed to so far, but you will soon be an adult and fully in control of your own life. I’m assuming that you are in therapy or on medication since you mentioned being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. If for some reason you are not currently seeing a therapist, please do so. With all that you’ve been through, you need some help navigating the next few years. You also need to focus on healthy ways of coping. You’ve been hurt enough, why hurt yourself even more with the cutting, starving and substance use?

I think it’s great that you are working but it is NOT ok to let adult men touch you at work. It might be time to find a new job and start fresh. Since life has been so negative, you also need to try hard to create the opposite and you do this by putting yourself in positive situations and by surrounding yourself with positive people. Some examples might be the local Alateen program or a sports league, or you could volunteer at an animal shelter, tutor elementary school children or find another agency of interest to you. It can be very healing to give to others in need. Many times, we get more than we give.

Finally, it is not ok for either of your parents to abuse you emotionally, physically or sexually (or anyone else for that matter). If it happens again, or if you don’t feel safe, please talk to an adult who can help. You can speak with your therapist, a teacher or school counselor or you can call your local child protection agency directly.

It really does get better than this. Please give yourself a chance to find out.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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I Feel like My Mom Is Crazy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 26th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Ireland: Hi im 15 years old and i feel depressed lately, my mother has always been the best, she has always been a spiritual person and has been into angels and things like that,

Since getting her ipad about 2 years ago she has been watching videos about it and reading about it and now she is going to canada to live with people she talkes to on skype (complete strangers) for three months and is leaving me with my father who lives about an hour away, where i have no friends. But it’s not about me, she pays no attention to me anymore, just sits in her room most of the day and goes on skype, she spends money on usesless products she thinks help her and i feel as if its driving her insane

My father tells me its the best thing to live with him because he thinks shes crazy sometimes i lay in my bed and cry for ages and it makes me very very very extremly angry to the point where im punching and kicking walls and screaming at her and i can hear her just listening to the videos and to be honest its driving me insane.

I used to be very close with my mom and the last two years it’s like she is just someone who makes me food and lives with me.

I used to really like my dad, but we dont even talk to each other in the car at the house or anywhere. I feel as if my life is ending and i dont know where i will be in the next two months like that is scary to me. My only escape is my friends and i just need some help. Thank you so much if you read this.

I fully understand why you are upset. You’ve been abandoned by your mother. She has fallen under the spell of questionable people. Since she hasn’t done anything illegal and she is providing you with the basics, the authorities are not going to intervene. Hopefully, she will come to her senses at some point.

I’m sure it is frustrating, angry-making and sad to feel your mother pull away like this. You are grieving a mom who is still alive and well but who has “left.” I’m glad you understand it’s not that she is against you. Whatever is compelling her is greater than even her love for you — which tells us how strong that compulsion must be.

If your mother has living relatives that you are close to, I hope you are telling them what you told me. There is no reason to keep it a secret. In fact, a secret would help her keep this thing going. Relatives might be able to get her attention and just might be able to convince her to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

Meanwhile, I think your dad is probably right. You do need to live with him for now. You haven’t lived with him for a while so it is going to be awkward at first. It’s tough to get reacquainted just when you are at an age when kids start separating from parents. In your case, it’s important you make every effort to get to know him. Do remember that it’s tough for him, too. Take the lead. Ask him about his life. Do some projects or invite him to go to a movie or sports event with you. If you are open to the relationship, chances are the two of you will get comfortable with each other again.

Your dad only lives an hour away from your mom’s house so hopefully he’ll help you out by driving you to see your current friends every now and then and that he’ll be willing to let your friends come and spend the night on some weekends.

Since you do have friends, I know you will make new ones at your new school as well. I hope you can think of this situation as the opportunity to expand your social circle instead of just a loss of your old life. With some effort, you really can have both the old and the new relationships.

It’s unfair that you have to compete with “angels” and strangers for your mother’s attention and that maybe you will have to move. But your letter tells me you are a sensitive and intelligent young man. You can do it!

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 26th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Hong Kong: Since the beginning of secondary school, I’ve been noticing that I’ve been feeling more down. And I also experienced an increase in anxiety. I’ve always been an anxious kid, but this increased and now it has reached to the point where sometimes I can’t eat in public much. Since I am dealing with overweight issues, i feel like anything everyone will be thinking why I’m eating even though I’m fat already. My family don’t understand this, they keep on eating outside while I just want to go home.

My father was abusive towards my mother. He was a alcoholic and would regularly come home drunk. And he was a big cheater. My mother forgave him for his cheating habits multiple times. He fathered two children with two different women. They are divorced now.

I’ve been lying more frequently. When people ask me if I’ve ever been suicidal, if I’m depressed, if I’ve ever had really bad things happen to me, my answer is always no. I never tell my closest friend anything I’m going through. I don’t think they care.

I hate my life. My main emotion I feel like is anger and loneliness. I always feel angry, most of the time with no reasons. And I feel like I might lash out, and I’m really scared if that happens. Cause I’ve been holding my anger for years. I’ve been thinking about death since 3 years ago, nothing motivates me. I’ve tried reading motivational quotes and articles about why I should not feel depressed or be suicidal, but they don’t help at all. I’ve been to the doctors a lot for stomach issues. They don’t really have answers and the medicines they give me don’t help.

I feel my friends don’t care about me. That they just took me in the group cause they feel bad for me.I feel so lonely sometimes I want to cry. I feel like no one will love me, I’m so serious that no one will love me. I can’t imagine in the future that I will get a partner.

I do want to go see a professional, but they costs a lot here. And I don’t think my mother understands what depression is. I think I’ll be lying to my therapist about how I really feel.

I’m sorry if this is a big mess.

Your letter is only a reflection of how you feel. It’s a “mess” because you feel like a “mess”. You are so discouraged about the possibility of making changes that you are giving up on yourself — even more than your friends have. Generally, teenagers don’t hang around with someone just because they feel “bad” for them. It’s more likely they like you but are as discouraged as you are about how to help you.

I agree with you. Some professional help would probably be helpful. But only if you are honest with your feelings. We therapists only have what people tell us to go on. If you do decide to see someone, please take this letter and response with you and share it. Doing so will help the therapist quickly get to your issues and be more helpful.

It might also be a good idea for you to share your letter with your mother as a way to help her understand how seriously discouraged you really are.

If seeing a professional isn’t possible, please look into joining a support group here at LifeHelper. Go to the “Find Help” tab on the home page. Then click on the “forums and support groups”. You will probably find a group of people who can offer you support and practical advice.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What Is Wrong

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 22nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the Netherlands: I feel so confused.Since I was 10, I have been an anxious person. I was bullied around that time, and I have always been made fun of. I feel like that never really affected me. Then, when I was 12, I remember feeling horrible sensations inside me. I don´t know if those feelings were sadness or anxiety, I just remember being in mere pain. Then, after I turned 13, those feelings were decreasing in intensity. I was definitely still anxious, but I guess I was used to it, so I really cannot remember my emotional experience at that time.

What worries me is that, now, most of the time, I feel numb. That is the first of the only three feelings that I can experience, and the one I feel the most: plain numbness. My teachers have always said that I have a nonchalant attitude, and I used to disagree, but now I do not. There are periods of time (which are very long) where I could not care less about anything in my life. During these, feel restless, cannot concentrate, and often find myself thinking of death, generally, or just full of pessimistic thoughts, but I cannot feel anything positive. I cannot even enjoy activities the way I used to.

Sometimes I feel a second, different feeling: I feel stupid or ashamed. I don´t really know how to describe this one. I feel like this when little, simple and insignificant events affect me tremendously for hours, but then I tend to just ignore them, and when I remember stupid things I have done in the past.

The third feeling is a mixture of hopelessness and abandonment, but I rarely experience it. When this feeling comes, I fantasize about being friends with people I know (most of them have only seen me, or know me but despise me) and talking to girls I am attracted to, begging them to stay with me for a minute. Then I feel truly sad, start crying and realize that I will be alone during all my meaningless life.

By the way, I am feeling so stupid right now, just because I am writing this to you. I lately also fear being a victim of crime when the second and third feelings come; most of the time I just visualize myself dead in a corner after being robbed.
P.S: I have high-functioning ASD.

Thank you for writing. Although I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, I can tell you that the feelings you describe are consistent with depression. As you probably know, people with high functioning autism are often anxious. The isolation due to difficulties with social interactions and communication can also trigger feelings of depression.

If you are not already in therapy, I hope you will consider seeing someone for an evaluation and recommendations. Look for a therapist who is experienced in working with teens on the autism spectrum. Such a therapist will help you make sense of your feelings and also learn some compensatory behaviors so you can be more comfortable with other people.

I also suggest that you read some of Temple Grandin’s books. She is an articulate and helpful member of the community of people on the spectrum. I think you would find her story helpful. There is also an excellent made for TV movie that was filmed in 2010 about her life. Do check out her website as well: http://templegrandin.com/. I think her articles will be very reasssuring.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Cannot Get Treatment

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 21st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m 15 and struggle with depression; its become an issue thats affecting my performance in school& ability to function properly. My parents are divorced but I have no choice but for there to be more of my mom’s time & she has more control over my life in general. a few months ago i tried to talk to her about the fact that im depressed and most likely need medical attention, she dismissed it as me just being a lazy hormonal teenager who feels sorry for myself. i said i needed therapy and she said i need to solve my own problems and not rely on a therapist. even if its not a case of mental illness i have no way of knowing this because i cannot get help. its taken a horrible toll on my grades and the only thing keeping me from considering the possibility of suicide is that i have friends who need me. i feel like i cant go on much longer and i have no way of finding out if i need medical attention let alone getting any. my dad would be more understanding but he doesnt have much control and i really feel like i cannot go on much longer without therapy or medication which i cant get. please help.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. I get letters from teenagers who are in similar predicaments. They ask their parents for help but are disappointed when they don’t get what they need. There are other things to try. Suicide is never the answer because once you are dead, you will not be around to enjoy the good things that will occur, when your life turns around, and it will turn around. Psychological studies show that to be true. Survivors of suicide attempts, are in general, glad that they failed at suicide. Again, psychological studies, case histories, show this to be true.

You can do several things. Speak to the school counselor or another trusted faculty member. Tell them what’s going on. They can also speak to your parents about the importance of mental health treatment. Even if your parents are not willing to listen, the school counselor can provide direct and immediate assistance to you. They are trained professionals and know how to help.

Another idea is to show this letter to your parents. It might help them to understand how you are feeling. It might underscore your desire for wanting help and force them to take your concerns seriously.

Are there other adults in your life who can help? Is there an uncle or a parent of a friend with whom you can speak about these issues? If so, they might have better luck in convincing your parents to take you to treatment. Mental health treatment is what you need at this time.

Sometimes, parents forget how difficult it can be to be a teenager. They might think (or hope) it’s “just a phase.” Perhaps they don’t know how to acquire mental health treatment for you or fear they cannot afford it. In any event, the ideas above might be enough to convince them of the seriousness of your suffering.

In the meantime, if you feel that you might harm yourself, call 911 or go to the emergency room. They will help you to access mental health treatment and prevent you from harming yourself. They will ensure your safety. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Friend’s Parents Won’t Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 21st, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: One of my best friend’s has depression. He doesn’t hide it anymore, and has expressed to his parents and friends that he wants help. We’re only 16, so we really can’t do that much on our own, but his parents are adamant against letting him get treated.

After he tried to kill himself, they took him to a therapist or something, but they refuse to prescribe him to any anti-depressants. He very recently expressed to me that he is at his end, and doesn’t know what to do if his parents won’t prescribe him to anything.

We also both attend a highly prestigious and competitive school, so as we near finals, it’s getting worse. His parents’ reasoning behind not getting him prescribed to anything is that “research shows that anti-depressants lead to a lack of creativity later in life” [they’re both scientists], but my fear is that that won’t matter if he doesn’t have a “later in life”.

I’ve recently had a cousin commit suicide, so my dad is unbelievably empathetic for those who have depression, along with the fact that he himself has depression, so I’m debating approaching him for help. I’ve talked to him about my friend’s depression, but he hasn’t really suggested any action. I don’t know what else to do, so I’m coming to you as a last resort her

I’m very glad you wrote. We are by no means the last resort. You have a number of options available who have the potential for far more impact since they actually know you and your friend.

As you pointed out, at 16, there is little you can do on your own. However, you have a sympathetic dad and you go to a school where there is probably a counselor. Please, enlist the other adults. They can’t know how seriously your friend is troubled unless you tell them. Once they understand, they will probably be more effective advocates with his parents than you can be.

And, no. This is not a betrayal of confidences from your friend. When a friend has already attempted suicide and is asking for help, it’s important to respond — even if he might be mad at you for it. It’s easier to live with a friend’s anger than it is to have regrets that you didn’t help.

Your friend’s parents’ concerns are not unjustified. Psychotropic medications do have negative as well as positive effects. What they may not know is that there are a number of medications to choose from, some with fewer side-effects than others. Many doctors use medications only for a very short time while the person gets involved with therapy. Further, medications may not be necessary.

The parents have already shown that they support therapy. If your friend isn’t taking advantage of that, he should. Do encourage him to do so. Some studies have shown that when a patient really engages with therapy, it can be as helpful as medication. If the therapy isn’t working, the therapist is probably the best person to approach his parents.

I wish you and your friend well.
Dr. Marie

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I Have Nothing to Live For

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 20th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have absolutely nothing to live for. I have been suffering from major depression and have been attempting suicide since I was very young (only went to the hospital once for injecting bleach). As advised I have sought professional help and tried to do what makes me happy and want to live. It turns out nothing worked. Professionals can’t help me since medication has little to no effect on me, and the things I thought I was passionate about (making manga, YouTube videos) don’t make me happy at all, they feel like such a chore and I get no thrill from it. I have no interest in friends and I never had a lover. I am crippled by loneliness. Mainly because my behaviors are antisocial and disgusting.Throughout my daily life I rarely demonstrate emotions, and the emotions I demonstrate are either sadness and self-pity, or uncontrollable wrath.

I honestly don’t know why am I writing this. I don’t expect any new advice that I haven’t tried already. There is nothing for me to find, and please don’t tell me to be patient and that I will eventually find it, because not even killing makes my heart race. That was not an expression. You do not have to answer dear reader, I just had to get this off of my chest.

The way you feel is not a natural state of being. It’s the result of depression. It’s also evidence of the insidiousness of depression. It makes you misinterpret reality. It makes you come to incorrect conclusions and can lead to you to make choices that are not in your best interest.

Abraham Maslow quotes English psychoanalyst Money-Kyrle who says this about mental illness: “the neurotic is not emotionally sick he is cognitively wrong.” In this view, flawed thinking is the core of the problem and developing a more efficient perception of reality is the solution. These corrections are possible with counseling.

You might want to read the work of Abraham Maslow. He studied psychologically healthy people and described their characteristics in great depth. It can help you understand human nature and how to correct your thinking and attitude towards life.

People who are depressed and considering suicide are not thinking clearly. Their thoughts are tainted by the weight of depression. Depression tricks you into thinking that there’s no hope and that nothing is going to change. You have the power to change your thinking to be more in line with reality.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Depression is highly treatable. I have worked with people who have felt the same as you do and who were later able to have wonderful lives. Why? Because they corrected their thinking. If you don’t believe me, read this article, published in The New York Times, called “The Urge To End It All.” It’s about people who attempted to commit suicide but survived and who were thankful to have lived. They got help, saw that their problems were solvable and wanted other people to know that things can get better.

I would also recommend reading the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Many people have said that this book has changed their life. It teaches readers how to have meaning in their lives, even during the darkest of times. Frankl believes that depression stems from feeling that life does not have meaning. He believes that people have to have something to live for. He provides advice for how to discover a meaning for one’s life. One of my favorite quotes in the book comes from Frederick Nietzsche, a 19th century German philosopher, who said “he who has a why to live for can bear with any how.”

You may have visited many mental health professionals already but you shouldn’t give up. You should interview at least 5 to 10 or more if necessary, until you find the one with whom you can connect. The one with whom you have the strongest connection will likely be your best choice. Finding the right treatment can make all the difference. Not all mental health professionals and treatments are the same. Some are better than others. Things can get better for you. Please don’t give up. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255. Don’t hesitate to call.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depressed, Confused, Hateful, and Needy. Help!

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 1st, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been on antidepressants since I was six, and now I’m 15. Everything’s confusing me, and I don’t feel like I’m worthy of the title of depressed because I’m not showing things outwardly, except I’m starting to and I don’t know if it’s because I want attention or for some other reason. I always want attention from adults – I want them to listen to me without being paid, and I want them to at least act like they care. I know that I’m depressed, but my school counselor is all too eager to report anything I say to my mother (I’m not interested in self-harm but she thinks I am) and my therapist isn’t too helpful. My mom and twin brother are both depressed as well, and my mom tells me that I weigh too much, that I’m depressed because I watch crime shows, and that all my problems are insignificant compared to hers. My brother is skipping school, on the path to failing the tenth grade just like he failed ninth grade, and I’m scared my dad will sue for custody if my brother fails tenth grade. I don’t like to use official words (depression, abuse, anxiety, disorder, etc) because I’m scared that I’m not worthy of them, I almost feel like they’re titles that I don’t deserve because I don’t act the right way. I spend most of my time in school trying to keep from attacking people, because I honestly don’t know if I would or not if I had the chance. I try to keep my grades up, but everything is falling apart around me and nobody seems to care. Or maybe they do and just don’t know how to deal with me, I’m not sure. They laugh when I try to do things to distract myself, because I don’t want to be in my own head. They laugh that I spend my time searching up universities in other countries because I want to get far, far away from here. Even the school counselor laughs at me, and I feel like I’m not worth saying that I have problems. What am I supposed to do with my depression and why is everything suddenly getting so much worse? (Past four months).

I deeply admire your resilience encouraged dealing with all this. It sounds like you need a safe place and supportive people around you. I am encouraging you to be part of creating that safe space. I would start with the school counselor. I would be very direct with him or her and let them know that you don’t feel supported enough by them. This is important. Speaking up for what you need is going to be an invaluable skill for you now, and as you move forward.

I would also encourage you to contact the local mental health center to get counseling for yourself. This way you can have access to a therapist of your own outside the school setting.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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A Homeschooled Friend Is Suicidal

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 30th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: A friend who we’ll call JD has recently opened up to me about the seriousness of her depression. She has self harmed and thinks often about suicide, but I don’t think she has actually attempted it yet. I’ve been helping her as much as I can, but since she’s only 15, there isn’t much I can do to help her without her parent’s consent.

She recently talked to her mother about going to therapy, but her mother said that everyone goes through this and she’s not special. They even refuse to take her to the doctor’s despite JD being constantly physically unwell (I think due to her depression and anxiety. They just tell her that she’s fine, and needs to keep working despite this (they’re farmers).

My friendship has helped her become open to the ideas of therapy and even a bit more trusting of other adults, but she doesn’t want to tell them everything because she doesn’t want to be taken away from her parents.

JD is homeschooled, so there isn’t a school counselor she can talk to. We do attend a youth group together, and at least a few of the leaders know (to an extent) about what she’s going through, but JD is still hesitant to talk to them.

I’m not too sure about the legalities of her going to therapy without parental consent, and since she’s out of town, it would be difficult to go without her parents bringing her, which they won’t do.

Her father is emotionally abusive, constantly yelling at his children and swearing at them and calling them useless despite their hard work, but he hasn’t ever hit them as far as I know.

I just want to help my friend, but the biggest road block is her parents. Is there any way we can legally force them to take her to therapy, or any way to make them see that depression is real and that she needs more help that she has? Is there anything our youth leaders can do legally, or is it all up to her parents?

Thanks for the help. I just feel like I’m out of options, and I don’t want to call Child/Family Services or the police unless it’s a emergency. We’ve been making progress, but there’s just been a big roadblock.

Your friend is fortunate to have such a good friend as you. But there is a limit to what one teen can do for another. What you can do, and in my opinion should do, is talk more specifically to your youth group leaders about what you know. They are in a much better position to approach her parents. They will also know what they can and can’t do legally.

You need to take care that you are not her only support. I understand that you are worried about her. I understand that you don’t want to abandon her. But the fact is you don’t have the skills or the defenses that are needed to navigate being responsible for another person’s life. Talking to the youth leaders will help you as well as her during this difficult time.

Meanwhile — Please encourage your friend to make use of the online and hotline services that are available. One such hotline is Youthspace Canada. Youthspace.ca is an emotional and crisis support line for youth 30 and under across Canada. Chat is one-to-one with a trained volunteer working with the support of staff members. Go to site where you can chat with a Volunteer / SMS Text Chat 778-783-0177. CHAT HOURS: 6 pm – midnight PST.

In addition, there is a “Teens Lounge” here at LifeHelper where teens can offer support and encouragement to each other. Go to “Find Help” on the homepage. Then click on “Forums”.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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