Tag:

Tension

Wife Won’t Let Me Fly to Sister’s Wedding

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 6th, 2023

From Germany: I hope you can assist me with my problem. Two years ago I’ve married my wife, and already before the wedding my parents have tried to destroy this relationship. My sister, whom my wife loved, has joined my parents too.

My wife was extremely hurt by them and blocked them ever since. The family did try a couple of times to apologize, yet it didn’t seem to come out of honesty.

Now my sister is getting married and, for some reason, I still wish to go to her wedding, despite the bad treatment my wife and I have received from them. The peak of this problem was reached when my wife said that if I’ll ever have contact with my parents, she will leave me. She said that after I told her that I’ll never stop hoping that they’ll change.

I will also mention here that my wife is an extremely difficult person to be with. She explodes with anger daily, she hit me very often and she always have to be right. In addition, in the past 2 years she refuse working and she rarely leave the apartment. I do admit that I’m a normal guy with normal guy issues, but a loving and supportive husband as well.

I am lost, I do not want to miss my sister’s wedding (even though she has been cold and extremely egoist and childish with me), but I also don’t want to lose my wife.

Can you please help me?

What a difficult situation! Your family and your wife have put you in a terrible position. No one should have to choose between the people they love. As difficult as they all are, you do love your family members and your wife. Why should either be threatened by the other? Even if your parents are correct that you are not with the right partner, that is something you need to discover for yourself.

It looks to me that you have several problems all at once. You want to stay connected to your family. Your wife has significant personal problems. Your relationship with your wife isn’t what it should be. The wedding is about more than attending a family event. It is also bringing all of the issues forward at the same time.

From what you shared, it looks to me like your wife needs treatment. She may be depressed. She may have agoraphobia. Or it may be something else. It is not normal for someone to never leave her home. It is not normal for someone who has only been married for two years to be angry and abusive to someone who loves her.

Your relationship is also in trouble. There is no reason for you to tolerate being hit. It is not healthy for you to be always worried about setting off your wife’s anger. If you could fix this on your own, you would have done so already. I encourage you to insist that the two of you go for couples therapy to figure out why two people who love each other aren’t living together in a loving way.

And — I do think you need to do what you can to stay connected to the family. They have tried to apologize. They invited you to the wedding. Go. Toast the bride. Enjoy the party. Stay out of conversations about your wife. Focus on the present and let the family know that you are working on making things better with your marriage. That shows them that you want to be part of the family and that you will not choose one side over the other. If your wife objects and threatens, tell her you are very sorry she feels that way but that you love your family and you won’t be forced to choose. Express the hope that she will join you in therapy when you get back.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 6, 2023 0 comment

Parents Won’t Accept My Boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 5th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Firstly i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years the first few years we were going out secretly as my parents are quite strict. He is half Australian half Greek cypriot which in my parents eyes are a no no he needs to be full Greek. Second they let me go out with him once during the week and on saturday but i have a curfew of 10:30-11:00pm on weekdays and 12:00-12:30 on weekends. They have met him before but he is not allowed to come over to my house and hang out. He isnt even allowed to knock on the door when he picks me up!!this can get quite fustrating as i am an adult and i am treated like a child.. Third my parents have different opinions of him they like him one day they dont like him the next,. He is a decent guy doesnt get into trouble and is very nice when he sees my parents.We are both trying to stay strong but it is hurting us really bad and we have no idea what to do HELP PLEASE !!!!!!!

At 21 and from a very traditional household, you are caught between two worlds. You want to respect your parents and the traditions of your culture. But you are also pulled to live the values of a freer social world. It sounds to me like your parents are caught in a similar dilemma. They are trying to hold onto their personal values but also see that you care about a guy who is worth caring about. The tension is not about the boyfriend. It’s about this struggle between tradition and another possible reality.

I do understand how hard it is for parents of that generation. To support you, to them, means betraying central values. To not support you means to not support the daughter they love. The musical play “Fiddler on the Roof” is all about this issue. The reason it is so popular is that it touches the psychological chord of so many people who are struggling with changes in values about the importance of tradition and the importance of love.

I wonder if you and your parents can have a heart-to-heart talk about the underlying issue. Be sympathetic about the spot they find themselves in. Appreciate them for not being rigid and for allowing you to see your boyfriend. Talk about how you are all in the same boat, caught between two ideas about who is suitable for you. You don’t need to defend your boyfriend. They already know he is a good man. Stay away from further discussion about him. Talk instead about how you may not find a full Greek to love and what they would wish for you. This conversation may take several times. You are approaching a subject that runs deep for all of you. Be patient and see if you can come to a resolution.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 5, 2022 0 comment

Jealousy toward husband’s female workmate

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 7th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, my husband has started a friendship with a workmate (female) 4 months ago, she is married we met her and her family. At first I was ok with it but I started getting jealous with the way my husband is extra attentive to her- we have other female friends too but to my observation he does not behave the way he is with them. He admitted that he like her more than he like our other friends, he enjoyed picking her up from home to go to work, it was his idea to carpool. He loves inviting them for family barbeque. He said he wants me to be friends with her- I am trying but my jealousy is still here. My husband is aware that I am jealous of his friendship with this person but assures me it is only friendship, a platonic one. Is it me who just had the problem, I admitted to him that I am jealous of the time he spent with her, like he would pick her up for work but have to go earlier so that they can have a coffee at her place ( sometimes the husband is home, other times it is just her at home). He asks me if I am ok, but when I say Iam not ok with this he seems not to be able to understand.Am I just stressing myself?

I feel like my feelings are not as important as his frienship, he would rather have this friendship inspite the fact that it is causing tension between us ( our marriage).He emails her and text her (several times a week), of which he has not done to other friends before. I ask that I read the emails/txt, it was ok with him. There was nothing there, just chitchat…but my question is he sees her at work, do carpools…does it mean he thinks about her more than necessary?

He also seem to be so concern of her- first he offered to carpool because they work nightshift and she only gets 2-3 hours sleep during the day so not really fit to drive. THen, he asks me if it is ok to have her daughter in the afternoon be dropped off to my place so that she can have a rest ( of which I said no because we already have our own kids. plus an additional child would be too much/noisy as he,my husband sleeps in the afternoon before going to work at 8.30).

Other small things too, she just need to txt him for small things and he’ll go, drive 15 minutes to her place to lend her pliers, pick up this or that etc.) Please help me, how can I deal with this, how can I overcome this feeling.

This person is also aware that I am jealous of her, my husband told her that first time that we had the discussion. She said, she didn’t intend to cause trouble between me and my husband and hopes all is ok now. That time, she decided not to carpool with my husband, then after a cooling period of one week, my husband asked if he’ll pick her up again, she did say she’ll drive to work but my husband insist that it will be no trouble, that I am ok with it. I am not really ok with it, because I said to my husband that time, what if she decided not to carpool anymore he said, well he’ll be disappointed because he likes her company and since there is nothing really going on it should be alright. I told him I would prefer if he’ll just let it be, I mean since she bowed out that to leave it like that. But obviously, that didn’t happen. What am i to do? Thank you for your time and advice.

It’s very hard for me to assess a situation like this on the basis of a letter. It might be that your husband is more attracted to this woman than he is admitting to you or to himself. But the fact is, he’s been very open with you and has not acted defensive in any way – even when you asked to see his texts. That suggests that at the very least he’s trying to be respectful of your feelings.

The other possibility that occurs to me is that your husband is lonely for a friend. Working night shift makes it tough to have friends or even to be as close to you as he might want to be. Then along comes this person who he not only likes but who shares the same difficult schedule. It’s possible that what you are sensing is the beginning of a romance. But it’s also possible that what you are seeing is the enjoyment of a new friend.

If you two were seeing me in my office, I would want to ask you if you each have close friends you do things with and confide in. For many people, having young children and working third shift tend to crowd out having friends. Our partners can’t be everything to us. People need a social group. If your husband doesn’t have friends, I would then suggest to you that his solution is a healthy one. Make friends with her too and expand your social circle.

On the other hand, if your husband does have good friends in his life, I would wonder why this particular relationship is so important that he is willing to hurt your feelings to continue it. Is he feeling sorry for a single mom? Or is he letting himself get more involved with her than he should because it is kind of exciting to be around her? The answers to those kinds of questions would help you both figure out what role this woman has in his life and if it is a threat to your marriage.

I’m sorry to give you such an unsatisfying answer to your question. That always happens when an answer is “it depends.” What I do suggest you do is keep talking. Perhaps some of the ideas I’ve offered give you a different direction for your conversation. Work hard not to accuse or blame. Instead, just try to be interested in what it is that he is getting out of the relationship. Once you understand that, you’ll be in a much better position to make your own decisions.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 7, 2022 0 comment

Do I Have Trichotillomania?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 26th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was reading one of my client’s profiles when I came across the term “trichotillomania” so i googled it. Now I am bothered by it. I remember when I was young my parents would always scold me to stop pulling my hair. Now that I am 30 I still find myself doing it subconsciously. I am generally a happy person and laid back kind of girl. I have a 3 year old son and am married for 5 and a half years now. I do not have any bare patch on my scalp but i can tell one area is thinner compared to the side where I dont pull hair. I do remember when I was young I did have lesser hair on one part in my scalp.

I only pull one strand at a time. I usually like to play with a single strand of hair first before I pull it to make sure i like how it feels tugging on my scalp. There is a sense of tension before pulling hair or when trying to resist the urge to pull hair. Once I find the one that feels right I hold on to it and will not let it go. I can control the urge but I feel sad if I let go and that is only for a minute or two then I am fine. There is a feeling of relief, satisfaction, and/or pleasure after acting on the impulse to pull hair. I usually do this when I am relaxed like watching TV or browsing the internet or sometimes even when I am driving.
There is also a presence of other associated behaviors such as inspecting the hair root, twirling the hair around my fingers and sometimes falling asleep at night and wake up in the middle of the night or the next morning with the strand still twirled around my fingers. Then when I get tired with it and i shred it into pieces. I feel like i have to shred it into pieces when I am done playing with it. I feel like it should not go to waste. Every now and then when my husband catches me playing with my hair he tries to steal the strand from my fingers and it annoys me but not to the point where I am just furious. I just find it annoying and wish he would just leave me alone with my hair.
I never wanted or ever desired to eat it.

I also suffered from Enuresis when I was young. I wet my bed until I was 12-13 but I dont do it when I am awake only at night time bed time. (This is just my self diagnosis base on my experience and what google says put together)

I’m sorry that a diagnostic label bothers you. I can’t, of course, provide a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. All I can tell you is that what you describe is consistent with what is called trichotillomania. But a name of a group of symptoms is intended to help professionals communicate with each other in order to decide what treatment, if any, might be helpful. No value judgment is attached.

Here’s the thing: Kids who are at all anxious tend to find something that soothes them. Some get attached to a blanket or a pacifier. Some bite their nails. Some twirl their hair. Some suck their thumbs. No one knows why a particular habit develops. The common denominator for all such habits, though, is anxiety. As children grow and develop internal coping skills, they are often persuaded to give up the lovey or habit that helped them stay calm. It’s a little harder when the “lovey” is a renewable resource like hair or nails. A mom can’t exactly wean a kid away from nail biting by gradually eliminating nails from the kid’s view. (Blankets can be gradually made smaller and smaller until they disappear.)

You’ve reduced your habit to something that is managable. You aren’t balding. You aren’t behaving in a way that hurts yourself or anyone else or that is socially unacceptable. As you said, you do it when you are relaxing it. I suspect there is something about doing it that helps you relax. It works for you. If you were seeing me, I’d ask you to think about whether the benefit of dropping the habit is worth the stress of trying. If you do think so, then we’d work on helping you find other satisfying ways to relax and perhaps to occupy your hands.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 26, 2021 0 comment

Tension Between Family and My Life

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 17th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I really need an outside source to hear my side of the story and hear how I feel. I have known this guy for a long time, but we only recently started admitting feelings for each other, so now we have been exclusive for over 2 months. I know that is not very long, but we have already been through more together than I have in my whole life. The basics of him and me are, we are both 18, we are young; we go out and have a good time. He is white, but he has a little black in him as well. My family is very traditional and wants me to date a white/Italian male only. So that was red flag number one. Number two, was that he is known to smoke a lot of weed and my dad is strongly against that. The third thing is that recently I found him after he had hung himself in woods out by where we were hanging out after a large fight by our group of friends. He was drunk, actually blew a 1.2 in the Breathalyzer. So my family is very scared for me to be with him now. But Tyler has gotten help since then, and I strongly feel that he is going to get better. I am very happy with him, and I want to help him work out these problems he has. My dad expects me to leave him within the next month, and I just can’t. I can see Tyler and I going somewhere and having a future together, and I am just not aloud. He has been nothing but good to me, aside from the suicide incident. I saved his life, and I feel that he needs me. And I will not leave him in his time of need, nor do I want to. I care about him a lot, what should I do? I really need help, and I need Tyler and I to work. My dad is having me choose either him or my boyfriend, and it isn’t fair to choose between the two important men in my life.

Thank you for asking your important question. The fact that your boyfriend tried to hang himself means that there has been something unresolved in him for a while. That kind of drastic action doesn’t spring up overnight.

While I applaud you being so loyal and resilient, I also think it is important to keep developing yourself. What I mean by this is that the heavy use of weed, the heavy use of alcohol, and the suicide attempt are extremely serious issues that you cannot fix. He needs a lot of support and therapy and rehabilitation for him to turn a corner. I realize what I am about to say will sound lame, but I am going to say it anyway because it is the truth. Your boyfriend can’t be your whole life. You may want to have him in your life and be his friend –or even girlfriend, but keeping him sober, drug-free and alive can’t be your mission. When someone is as involved as he is in his issues, people close to them go into orbit around them. Don’t become one of the satellites. Be sure to keep your friends, your goals and dream and your self care at the top of the list.

I higlhy recommend you go to an Alateen meeting They are free and there is sure to be one located in your area. They can help with support as you move through this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 17, 2021 0 comment

My girlfriend is unreasonably jealous of my ex-wife

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 11th, 2020

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

For the past 3 years, I have been dating a 43-year-old divorced woman who has two boys, aged 12 and 9. Due to the hostile nature of her divorce, she has sole custody of her boys, as her ex does not live up to his custodial duties.

I am a divorced male, 42, with a 14-year-old daughter who stays with me 3 nights a week and her mom and step-dad the rest of the time. My ex and I have tried our hardest to maintain a cooperative parenting relationship for our daughter’s sake. We speak only about matters relating to my daughter. I consider it a matter of principle to maintain a decent relationship with my ex for our daughter’s benefit, and take pride in the fact that we have succeeded in doing so.

The problem is that my girlfriend literally cannot stand to hear my ex-wife’s name, much less anything more about her. Early in our relationship, we spoke about our respective former marriages, basically in order to get to know one another better and have an idea of our past experiences and present needs. I sensed early on that my girlfriend was extremely sensitive to the idea of my ex-wife, and made every effort to never, ever talk to or about the ex during the time my GF and I were together, not even mentioning her name. This has added considerable complication to the time we spend together with my daughter.

On the rare occasions when I have mentioned anything regarding my ex-wife – last night being the most recent – she becomes extremely aggressive, angry and physically rigid, as if she were having a severe allergic reaction. She claims I still love my ex-wife and idolize her new husband. For instance, a simple comment such as “My daughter will be living on XX street because her mom lives there now with her new husband” is enough to seriously peeve my girlfriend and cause great tension between us.

In short, the one central, insurmountable, recurring issue in my relationship with this woman has been her extreme reaction to the mere existence of my ex-wife. It even bleeds over into her relationship with my daughter, which is nonchalant at best. We have been to couple’s counseling but my girlfriend seems to think that her reaction is entirely normal and justified.

Thank you for considering my predicament

Unless there is more to this than you presented, you’re quite right. Your girlfriend’s reaction to your ex could well end your relationship. When adults begin a new relationship, they come with a past. Your divorce sounds much healthier than your girlfriend’s. You and your ex understand that you divorced each other but neither of you divorced your daughter. You are doing your best to be supportive co-parents even though you couldn’t find a way to continue to be married. This is healthy for everyone. Your daughter doesn’t feel like she is caught in the middle between two embattled parents. You both allow her to love and be loved by the other. You and your ex maintain a healthy respect for each other and have each moved on to finding new love.

It’s sad to me that your girlfriend doesn’t understand that all this speaks so well of your character. There is no reason for her to be jealous. You’ve moved on. There is no need for her to react as she does when you talk about your daughter’s relationship to her other family. It’s no threat to her and your daughter needs to know that you support her relationship with her mother and stepdad. Ideally, your girlfriend would find a way to be friendly with your ex and supportive of your role as a co-parent. If the two of you move to the next level or marry, she’ll also be co-parenting your daughter. She needs to be able to have reasonable and respectful conversations with your ex if you’re not available and decisions have to be made regarding your daughter or if your daughter needs something left at her other home.

Ideally, at some point you’ll be doing the same with her sons’ father. Your girlfriend can’t erase her past either. Whether or not he lived up to his responsibilities, he is still their father and the boys need to be able to speak about him and perhaps visit him if it is safe for them to do so. Even if he is an abusive parent, supervised visits may need to happen at some point so the boys will have a realistic understanding of who their father is.

You say you went to counseling. I hope the counselor was able to be sympathetic to your girlfriend’s desire to have you all to herself but was also able to help her understand that it’s not a realistic or even healthy option at this point. If you feel the counselor didn’t do that, perhaps you didn’t provide enough information about how extreme her reaction is and how potentially harmful it is to your daughter. If that is the case, I hope you’ll make another appointment to present that information. We therapists only have the material we’re given to work with. I do hope you found a counselor who is experienced in family therapy. If not, please consider trying again with a new one.

Whether or not counseling is successful, you and your girlfriend need to have a serious talk. Her reaction to your relationship with your ex is a deal-breaker. If she absolutely can’t tolerate it, you should wish each other well and move on.

I do wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

September 14, 2011 0 comment

Wedding planning is creating bad feelings all around

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 24th, 2020

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently proposed to my girlfriend and which was the most amazing feeling when she accepted. Unfortunately since then eveything has gone down hill fast.

Our parents met to discuss all the finances and my parents were happy to offer half the wedding, we therefore started to look at places and at one venue my mum took offence to my future MIL getting upset and asking questions she felt were irrelevant. This caused some tension as my finace told my mum to stop being rude and this is were everything started to go wrong.

Shortly after this we found our dream venue and booked the hall, then my parents decided to have another meeting with my in laws with out us being present here is were the major issue started. At this meeting my future MIL took great offence to some innocuous comments made my parents towards them. They appologised (Sarcastically in the opinon of my in laws) but agreed not to tell myself or my fiance. Unfortnately my future MIL decided to go against this and tell us. Hearing how upset she was my fiance took great offence to all that was said as her mother was so upset. We agreed to sit with my parents and to try and resolve this which after a few hours we agreed it had been, however my fiance has an issue with letting things go and moving and seemed to still have this issue but we agreed to move on for the sake of our wedding.

After a few days of more arguing between my parents and her parents as they owed some money to them for the intial hall booking we had another meeting where my parents felt my fiance was extremely rude to them. She may have used a bad tone but there was no malice involved but they were set that she was disrepectful and the next day decided to tell the in laws that they would no longer pay for half the wedding just a certain amount and they also cancelled a cheque they had give. Obviously this then upset my fiance again as rather then discuss their problem with my fiance they just called it off so to speak and she was also annoyed they refused to pay back any money which was owed from some time before.

We have now reached a point where my mum has sat with my fiance and cleared the air (again i still feel my fiance is holding a grudge) but my father wants to sit with her as well as he doesnt want to move forward with paying for part of the wedding with out knowing that and my in laws no longer trust my parents to pay for stuff they are supposed.

I have suggested that we cancel the whole thing and try and start again on a smaller scale but my fiance has her heart set on the dream wedding that she has in her head now.

The whole thing is making everyone person ill and i dont know how to continue any more. I dont want to lose my fiance as she is the best thing to happen to me but on the hand i dont want to get married without my family being there and feeling comfortable. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know this is all so specific but i really do need some help in trying to resolve this so i can marry the love of my life and have a future with her.

You two may be in love but you may not be ready to get married. Take a deep breath and step way back. Getting married means making a life, not just a wedding. Getting along with in-laws, dealing responsibly with money, and planning realistic and joyful milestone events are skills you need for a lifetime of happiness. If you don’t set positive patterns in place now, chances are these areas will be sources of stress and tension that could erode your relationship and your marriage. You are very wise to be reaching for some help.

Please take a look at this article from our archives: Ask your fiance to discuss it with you. You may be able to clear your minds and restart the wedding planning. That means taking the high road with future in-laws, letting go of the idea of a royal wedding and doing something more in keeping with what you can afford, and probably paying for most of it yourself. Whatever relatives offer financially is a gift, not an obligation, so be appreciative of whatever they are willing to contribute.

If you two can’t pull back and renegotiate your wedding plans, and you still think you want to marry, I do suggest some premarital counseling. A counselor will help you really listen to each other and understand the underlying issues that are making it difficult for two good people to make good decisions. It’s an investment in yourselves and your future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 3, 2011 0 comment

Afraid To Grow Up

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW July 4th, 2019

written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I’m a 25 year old male. I’ll just start off by saying that opening sentences take me sometimes hours to write (this one took ten minutes). The same goes for my life – I just can’t seem to get anything started: Job applications, writing routines, relationships with the opposite sex, you name it.

The only thing is, I usually succeed once I get started. So, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t get things moving. I graduated college almost a year ago and have only applied to about 5 different districts (I’m a state-certified English teacher) out of the hundreds in my state.

I also still live at home with my parents, and although they have threatened to kick me out, I usually find temporary work just in time to save myself. Although I used to get 95% of my college schoolwork done here, I can’t seem to get focused when it comes to applying for jobs or keeping in touch with love interests or former colleagues.

Home-wise, there’s no major problems. I’m comfortable here, and I don’t have to pay rent. I don’t always have the sense of independence I want, but I’ve learned how to deal with it, just like I have learned how to deal with sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety. I focus on something else. But I feel like it’s starting to get trapped inside, to a point where I will never be able to express myself. I feel like this will cause me to regret everything later in life.

The main thing is that I know exactly what I have to do in life to move forward, but I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t even have a logical explanation why – I just don’t. Same goes for relationships. I was talking to a female friend who I have liked for over a year, and we mentioned our feelings for each other because we’re currently seeing other people (so it was means for conversation). She asked if I had liked her, and I said yes. When she asked “Why didn’t you tell me?” My honest answer had to be “I’m at a point in life where I’m just not acting on anything.” Tension followed, and I felt a little regretful afterward, but then I told myself not to dwell on it. So, I don’t. I’m not really feeling anything about it right now – that has all passed.

Do you think that my outlook on life (not to dwell on my past) is affecting my future? I feel like the more I say the past doesn’t matter, the more I’ll act exactly like I have been, and I’ll only end up stuck. I want to be 100% independent, not because of man pride or anything, but because I’m ready to live my own life. How do I start?

Yes, I do think that your pattern of not examining the past IS affecting your future, but the real question is what are you most afraid of finding if you do look back and if you do feel? Are you afraid of failure? What is your biggest fear if you did openly express yourself to your parents? If you don’t have healthy ways to process emotions that come up in life they will likely build up over time and manifest in self-destructive ways. My guess is that this pattern is a large part of why you are feeling so paralyzed in your life.

Look for healthier ways to deal with your emotions. Consider journaling your feelings, joining a men’s therapy group, or talk with an individual therapist to help you get to the emotional root of why you’re feeling reluctant to start your adult life. Cultivate encouraging and supportive male friendships. Exercise to relieve stress, improve mood, and feel a sense of accomplishment and power. You mentioned that you don’t have the sense of independence that you want but you’ve “learned to deal with it.” Your sense of independence is paramount at this stage of life so I encourage you to foster that desire, not to relinquish it. It is important to take action, even if it’s clumsy and things don’t turn out perfectly. Ask out the woman that you’re interested in, send out 5 job applications every day, speak openly with your parents about your feelings, start paying them rent or pay them by contributing to the care of the home and yard. If usually feels better to act, even when you don’t feel like it, than to feel powerless in your own life.

I have a few questions about your parents. Why are your parents letting a capable 25-year-old adult son with a college education live in their home rent-free? Is it possible that they are enabling you to stay “stuck” at home because they are afraid of you leaving? Are you a buffer or a distraction that keeps them from dealing with marital problems? There may be some family issues contributing to your current dynamic. Again, consider seeking help from a therapist to help you understand and resolve your internal struggle and understand any family dynamics that may be adding to your difficulty “growing up.”

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

April 5, 2011 0 comment

Feeling really lonely and rejected

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 15th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have felt lonely just about all of my life. I thought I dealt with it when I became a christian, letting God help me. Ive come to realize that I need physical assurances and touches. I have three grown children who are struggling to make it on their own,and a grandchild, who in my opinion isnt being loved as I think she should be. I have but two friends, one is my roommate and the other is one that we both see for dinner in such. I am desparately wanting a closer relationship with my children, but my son who is the closest in proximity works alot and the girls are a good drive away, and honestly none of them seem too interested. I have been divorced for 11 years and I really don’t know who I am since I no longer am a hands on mother. I struggle with the issues of being gay, but being a christian, I feel it is a sin and therefore, I don’t live the lifestyle. When I first divorced, however, I had a short lesbian relationship with my current roommate, but she also is a christian and believes it was wrong, so we no longer have that kind of relationship. I am lonely, confused and miserable. I am desparately trying to hang on.

It sounds to me like you are living in a situation where you are under constant tension between your idea of Christian values and your attraction to your roommate. Not all Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. Perhaps you could find a church and minister in your area who could support your love. Take a look at the website for GLBT Christians – http://whosoever.org. You and your roommate might also find the books on this website comforting.

I wonder if you have had a frank conversation with your adult kids about your desire to be closer to them. Hints about such things often don’t get the message across when adults are busy with jobs, kids, household tasks and trying to have a social life. They may well miss you as much as you miss them but they may be overwhelmed with the demands on their own lives. Perhaps they’d be willing to schedule in a visit every 6 or 8 weeks. If you knew a visit was coming up, you wouldn’t always be waiting with hat in hand, hoping someone will call.

At the same time: You need a more active social life. It’s time for you to get out of yourself and start doing things where you will meet others who share your interests. You are very young to be putting yourself on a shelf. Find a charity or political cause and get behind it. Or join a class, a book club, or an organization where you’ll meet others who are expanding their world. While you’re at it, consider joining a gym or a yoga class to help you stretch your body. Natural endorphins will help you feel better in general.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 4, 2011 0 comment