In the last three years I’ve been in therapy with two different psychologists for social anxiety. The fact is, I’ve noticed something’s wrong with me. I believe I may have BPD, because I’ve always had many problems with abandonment, instability of relationships and mood swings, and I also meet all the symptoms of the disorder(even substance abuse and self harm).I’ve always had a confuse sense of identity,I’ve never really known who I was, and experienced dissociation and depersonalisation since the age of 11. I identify as nonbinary even though I was born female, but I know this could be a consequence of BPD.My therapist doesn’t know about my condition because she just keeps asking me only about my anxiety and everytime I try to tell her something of the above she seems to not be even listening to me.
I’m writing this because recently something changed.I’ve always had very different personalities depending from who I was with, but it’s been a while since I started losing connection with reality and I can’t tell what’s real anymore.I have nightmares and most of the days I don’t know if what I experience is real or not.I see the younger me as a weak, pathetic girl who knew nothing about anything but I don’t even remember how she was or what she liked.
There’s this other part of me, though, called Chrissie. She’s a childish girl who is always cheerful and behave like a psycho,I can sense her voice in my head(not like an hallucynation, just an inner voice different from mine – sometimes we have conversations)that always suggests me to do impulsive things like beating the ones who treat me badly or saying mean things.There are days when something happens and I start to feel anxious, so she takes control and I start to act so differently that the people around me ask me if I’m high or something.
Since Chrissie appeared I made some researches and learnt about DID. I’m very unsure about the amnesia that should incurr though, because I happen to be co-present when she takes control, but she does what she wants and I later feel like someone else has controlled my body even though I know what happened.When I dissociate while I’m writing something I can’t remember later what I was writing before, and I noticed I have very few memories of my life before my 14th birthday, but nothing more than this.
DID is a possibility, but that determination can only be made by an in-person evaluation, conducted by a mental health professional. Perhaps you’ve tried to discuss this with your therapist, but you didn’t communicate your concerns effectively.
Alternatively, you may have been communicating effectively but your therapist didn’t think you had DID or did not know how to treat it. In any event, your concerns should be discussed more explicitly with your treating therapist. It is important to have clarity about your treatment goals. One possible strategy is to show this letter to your therapist. It might provide a fuller explanation of your symptoms.
DID can be difficult to both diagnose and treat. Some therapists are not familiar with DID because it is so rare. Others are not comfortable treating it and may refer you to a specialist. Generally speaking, if you have experienced positive changes in your life, as a result of therapy and you are feeling an overall sense of positivity and happiness, then you are likely receiving good therapeutic help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle