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Dealing with Homicidal Thoughts

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For a while now I’ve been struggling with thought of hurting people. Around a year ago I did act on them and tried to kill someone who was very close to me. The thoughts were manageable for a while but they are stronger. I’ve also become almost obsessed with mass shootings, knives, guns ect. It would make more sense to me if it was people I didn’t like – but it’s people who are very close friends. They haven’t wronged me or hurt me in anyway and yet I look for chances to hurt them whenever we’re alone. I don’t want to tell my friends as I don’t want to risk scaring them off for good. These thoughts last quite a while and have developed into plans to the point I am carrying weapons around to try and look for an opportunity. I haven’t really spoken to a therapist as I don’t want to tell my parents about this. Can you recommend any ways to deal with this?

Understandably, you don’t want your parents to find out but this problem is admittedly worsening. In your own words, you have become “obsessed” with extreme violence, look for chances to hurt your close friends, are experiencing homicidal thoughts that are growing stronger and are engaging in a premeditated plan to hurt people. If you were to ignore all of these signs, these red flags, you would be making a mistake. These are red flags that are telling you that you need help. You’ve tried dealing with this on your own and it hasn’t worked. This problem has only become worse. Your strategies didn’t work. Your ideas haven’t worked. The most responsible course of action is to consult a professional. That’s what responsible people do. To do anything else would be irresponsible and wrong. To ignore this problem, and to simply hope it goes away on its own, even though all evidence suggests otherwise, would be the wrong course of action.

Imagine for a moment if you were to carry out your plans. Many negative things could happen to you. If you try to carry out an extreme act of violence, you could be killed in the process. It’s not uncommon for mass shooters to be killed by the police. The probability of you being killed by the police during a mass shooting event is fairly high.

Let’s say that the police didn’t kill you in the process of an extreme act of violence. In that case, you would be arrested and spend the rest of your life in prison. In many states, it won’t matter that you are young. Many laws are written such that an individual can be put in prison for life for extremely violent acts, no matter their age. If you are sentenced to life in prison, your life would effectively be over. You would lose your freedom and you’d be living in a very small cell for the rest of your life. That’s not what you want.

Imagine what this would do to your parents. They would be the parents of a killer. They would have to live their lives knowing that perhaps there was something they could’ve done to help their daughter, had she only come to them and asked for their assistance. There are countless stories of young people who were struggling, who did something they later regretted and realized after the fact that it all could’ve been prevented, had they simply asked for help. You don’t want to be one of those people. Learn from their mistakes and ask for help now, before it’s too late.

The wisest and smartest decision you can make is to ask for help. You don’t have to go to your parents and tell them specifically why you want help. In other words, you don’t have to tell them that you have an increasingly strong desire to kill people and this is why you want help. You can be vague and still ask for help. If your parents won’t listen to you, the next step is to go to the school guidance counselor and ask for their assistance. Again, you don’t have to detail why you want help. It’s enough to simply say you want help and that you want to see a therapist. A therapist would be in the best position help you.

I hope that my response to your letter has convinced you to ask for help. Anything else would be irresponsible and wrong. Please consider seeking treatment. Call the police if you feel that you cannot protect yourself or may harm someone. They can protect you from doing something you may later regret. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I move out or not?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been physically/mentally abused since the 5th grade. That was the first time I was beaten. it was for running down the stairs, I ended up bleeding over the bathtub. The next few days I did not show to school. It was that way for a while. Now it is just the verbal abuse. Sometimes the occasional slap and/or arm pulling. Once in a while I feel like running off in the middle of the night after my dad and I have huge fights. There is one friend I tell everything to. She has been telling me to move away for at least the past two years (told me I can move in with her and her husband). I really do want to, but I am really scared. She said I can start handing/giving her some of my things little by little, that way when I finally have the guts to “run-off” in the middle of the night I won’t end up empty handed. I feel confused about this. Yes, there have been many times when I have been beaten for stupid reasons (like talking too loud or things like that), yet on the other hand there are times when I feel sorry for my parents. I do want to move out (so much) but I’m not sure I should, because sometimes I feel like it’s the wrong thing to do. what should I do?

I’m sure it’s very confusing. The very people who are supposed to love you and protect you and help you are the people who are hurting you. Make no mistake: What you are experiencing is domestic violence. Nobody deserves to be hurt. Nobody deserves to feel unsafe in her own home.

At 19, you have more options now than you did when you were small. You are in college so you are smart. You are old enough to work and take care of yourself if you have to. It would be hard to be on your own – but I suggest that it wouldn’t be any worse than being beaten and belittled. It’s not wrong to take care of yourself.

A place to start getting the information you need is the California Self Help Line. Go to the library or your friend’s house and check out this website. Do not do this research from home. It is often dangerous for someone in your position to use the home computer because abusers sometimes monitor the computer history.

I’m so glad you have a friend who is willing to help you. You are lucky indeed to have a place to go. But leaving is only half the solution. The other half is dioing the therapeutic work you need to do to rebuild your self-esteem and self-respect. You already know that staying home isn’t going to change a thing. If you get out and get strong, you may find there are ways to help your parents as well as yourself. That looks to me to be a better future than the one you have now. Plese think about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Lack of Self Esteem and Identity

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I never feel good enough. My life has been unstable. I am a 16-year-old Korean teenager living in Florida. I moved to the U.S. with my mother and my sister to study when I was 7. Even though my mom told everyone she came for education, the real reason was because my parents often got into violent fights. My mother wanted to have a period of time to cool off. We were not planning to stay here for long. But after one year, my father still showed signs of violence and my parents’ relationship got worse.

My mother decided that we could not stay with my father, and that we should continue our study. Not having my father in my childhood pained me very much.

As time went on, my mom went through her undergraduate, masters, and is currently doing her PhD. My father has been supporting us for 8 years by himself in Korea. He is a lifeless person, and it pains me every second of my life knowing that it is my fault.

I learned in middle school that my parents were divorced when I was in 4th grade. The empty hole had been there since I was in 2nd grade, so it did not affect me. As time went on my mom became more abusive towards me, often screaming and physically abusing me. It would always be my fault, but sometimes I felt that she went overboard. My friends during middle school were mostly girls. Even though I was part of the “cool” crowd, I felt I didn’t belong. I was an asian that liked math, and my friends couldn’t understand that.

My father graduated from the best university in Korea on a full scholarship while being from a small village. My mother went to the second best university in Korea with a full scholarship at a time where women did not go to college. People all around me say that my parents are great people. But I see my father, lonely and depressed with the life sucked out of him; and my mother who is raising two kids by herself and struggling in America. I feel responsible for their lives; that I have to succeed to make their miserable lives mean something. Sometimes I consider suicide, but I can’t because it would all go to waste. I can’t be selfish like that when both of my parents want to do the same thing.

To make myself feel important I tried hard at everything I did. I am an all-state musician on two instruments. Recently I won a National math competition. People said I did a good job. But even after winning, I felt nothing. All I wanted was for everyone to think highly of me but I didn’t feel important. I feel lost. My citizenship status is unclear. I am split between two countries. I am split between two parents. I feel abused every day by my mother, and I hate myself for hating her. I am angry all the time, and I have no self-confidence. People say I am good looking and tall. I do not feel that way. I never feel like am good enough. Even if I win a national competition, I don’t feel good enough. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is “wrong” with you. In fact, everything is “right” with you. You are doing exceedingly well under very challenging circumstances. You’re excelling in school, particularly in math. You’ve recently won a national math competition and became an all-state musician, mastering not just one instrument but two. Please recognize these are impressive accomplishments. You should be very proud of yourself. You possess skills that many people don’t. These accomplishments prove that you’re not only musically gifted but intelligent as well.

You’re also resilient. I define resiliency as the ability to “bounce back” in the face of hardship and adversity. You’ve accomplished many remarkable feats, all while dealing with serious family and personal issues. This is a personal triumph.

You’re a child of divorced parents. It has left a hole in your heart. The difficulty associated with having divorced parents, especially at a young age, is underestimated. It’s deeply upsetting to be part of a family that splits apart. It’s doubly challenging when there’s abuse involved. Not only did you witness your father abusing your mother, you’re now enduring abuse by your mother. I’m not certain if you know this but abusing children in this country is illegal. If your mother is physically abusing you she is in violation of the law and could go to jail.

I want to be clear about the fact that none of this is your fault. If your mother abuses you, you must know that you didn’t bring it on yourself. You do not deserve to be physically harmed; no child does and that is why there are laws against it. Parents have a choice in how they treat their children. They don’t have to physically harm them but unfortunately some do. Perhaps your mother is punishing you in the manner she learned in her culture. Even so, it’s unacceptable and illegal.

You also need to know that your father’s suffering is not your fault. You are not responsible for your parents. They are responsible for you. If your parents divorced it was because they could not get along. That has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. You must stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault.

You are a victim in this situation. You are faced with the unfair reality of having to live between two countries, with a mother who is struggling with personal challenges in addition to your own concerns. It’s undoubtedly a difficult time.

When school begins in the next few weeks please make an appointment with the school counselor. You need to meet with a mentor or a wise and informed adult who is trained to deal with situations like yours. You also need someone who can guide you into college and out of your current living situation. Academics or perhaps music may be your way to a better life.

If you’re feeling suicidal please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and speak to a counselor. Another number you should have in your possession is the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline. They can be reached at 1-800-422-4453. You can call this number and speak to someone about how your mother treats you. They can advise you about how to handle the situation.

Lastly, start giving yourself credit where it is due. You are resilient. The fact that you are able to thrive in light of a very challenging family situation, none of which is your fault, reveals a lot about your personal character and development. Resiliency is an important quality that you seem to possess. It’s a trait that has and will likely in the future carry you through difficult times.

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I Sometimes Want to Hurt Others?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I understand this type of question has been asked before, but none of the responses, or even questions themselves, really covered what I am feeling, so… Here goes.

I have the sudden impulse, when I am around loud, messy, or emotional people, to hurt them. Severely. Sometimes my impulses- which, mind you, I never act upon — go so far as to suggest I kill them; sometimes it’s just to inflict pain. At the same time, however, I don’t want to hurt them — it just seems like violence is the only way to get them to stop their actions. This only ever happens around the type of people who make any display of their emotions or eat/talk/etc. loudly, and as far as I can tell it’s just to make them go away, and stop their actions. A part of me suggest they’re too weak to be around if they’re displaying their emotions so overtly, or too simple-minded if they’re talking/eating/etc. too loudly.

Due to some childhood experiences I’d rather not share I tend to have zero tolerance for those I perceive as ‘weak’, which is not a conscious decision as far as I know. It is more of a reaction- when I see perceived ‘weakness’, I get annoyed incredibly fast and want them to either stop the action that displayed the weakness or for them to leave. Usually, in social situations, this can be generally avoided or ignored.

Unfortunately, this perception has spread to my mother, whom I am currently caring for. She and I share a room, and I am witness to her various emotional breakdowns, loud sounds, and other sensory annoyances. I have had to leave the room to get away from the sounds so I did not fall prey to the impulse to stop it myself.

Do you know of any way to get these unwelcome impulses to go away? I’m concerned I may just act on them. Several times I almost have, and it worries me, because I don’t want to hurt them, not really — I just want them to stop, which is not my decision nor within my realm of control. Is there anywhere you can point me towards that can help?

Thank you for writing. You have already shown that you do have control. You have resisted the impulse to hurt others thus far and now you are writing to us here at LifeHelper. There is a core of health at work here. Now let’s build on that.

There’s a saying: “Hurt people hurt people.” Your impulse to hurt others is probably a way you are dealing with your own pain. Your defense against any show of weakness is to feel aggressive. It’s understandable. It may even work for the short run as long as you confine the response to feelings, not action. But, as you already know, unless you find other ways to manage your fears, they will eventually pop and both hurt someone else and get yourself into serious trouble.

What you need is some focused therapy to help you deal with whatever happened that you don’t want to talk about. With help, you can find other ways to feel strong and be strong. With the support and advice that therapy can provide, you can get past whatever it was that hurt you so profoundly. Please take care of yourself by looking for a therapist who specializes in working with young people.

In the meantime: There are a number of hotlines available to teens. Calls are confidential and free. Go to #/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/ to find the phone numbers. Counselors are available to help you talk out whatever is troubling you at the time and to help you find further help if you need it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What Is Wrong With Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My name is N– and I am not sure what’s going on with me. I have times where I feel has if someone is in my head or as if someone wants to kill me. I have urges to tell people (my sister, friends…) “they want to kill me” or “they are after me” but I don’t know who they are and can’t explain myself, thats when I just want to hide in my closest and curl up in a ball facing the wall. I feel like maybe they won’t find me if they can’t see me from the windows. Sometimes I can hear everything way too loudly and it drives me nuts. Sometimes I can have the feelings and emotions as if someone is yelling at me but I don’t hear them, I just block my ears and rock my body back and forth. I can hear the electrical static in lights, computers, televisions and more. There are times I don’t feel human and other times I feel like aliens are watching me from a space ship. I frequently have violent dreams and I wake up in a panic but most of the time don’t remember what I dreamt. When I watch television everything feels real as if I was living it. At times I imagine myself has the victims of what I’m watching or has the suspects (shows like Law & Order and Arrow) and the same for real life situations I hear about on the news or internet. The tricky part is that I can go a week or two being okay and then all of a sudden it all comes back.

I’m sorry that you’re having these frightening experiences. It’s important that you tell someone about what’s happening. It would be best to tell your parents so they can set up an evaluation. If you feel that you can’t tell your parents, then tell your sister or another trusted member of the family or even a school faculty member. It’s important that you tell someone about what’s happening.

You may be experiencing symptoms of a mental illness or possibly a physical illness. Those are possibilities, but without an evaluation there’s no way to know what’s wrong. An evaluation is necessary to determine what might be wrong.

During the evaluation, you will be asked to describe your symptoms. It’s important to be as honest and thorough as possible. Report all of your symptoms, just like you did in this letter. In fact, you might even bring this letter with you. It might make it easier to remember your symptoms.

After the evaluation, you might learn that you have a particular diagnosis. What’s most important is the plan for treatment. Your symptoms are likely treatable with medication and possibly counseling. The evaluator will discuss your treatment options with you and your parents.

Do not keep these symptoms a secret. I know they can be frightening but you need to tell someone. You want to do everything in your power to prevent your symptoms from getting worse. Good luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I’m Scared Anyone I Date Will Murder Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.K.: I am terrified to enter a relationship with a man because I’m convinced I’ll be murdered by him. I’ve made plans for when I’m older and potentially in a relationship with a man to sleep with a knife near me, close to the door, so if he tries to kill me I can defend myself/run away.

My friend at Uni walked me to the tram stop after our lectures and the entire time I was messaging other friends to let them know I don’t feel safe and I think he might kill me, despite the fact that he hasn’t done anything bad. I was shaking and trying to keep to the main road so I would be around other people in case he killed me and I kept making sure he walked a bit in front so he wasn’t behind me or out of sight.

I’;m scared that if I have kids with a guy he’ll kill us all and hide our bodies. I thought these were normal fears but my friends say its irrational. I’m too scared to go on dates or reciprocate interest in any guy that I talk to because even if I find him attractive and interesting I’m just too scared that I’m going to be killed. I’m scared I’ll go on a date and be found dead and mutilated a few days later.

The thought of dating a guy terrifies me and it doesn’t make sense because I’ve never had a creepy or violent experience with a man besides on older man who harassed me and chased me and tried to make me meet him when I was 16 but that’s not something I dwell on.

My friends tell me “just find a good guy” and thats precisely what I’m scared of. Trusting them, loving them and wanting to be with them and then all of a sudden they snap and just kill me. I just don’t know if this is a typical fear or if it’s paranoia and I need to see someone for it but I’ve started pushing away any guy friends I have who aren’t gay just in case and I don’t want to have this looming fear whenever I speak to someone who seems interested in me. Should I go see someone about this? How do I get over this fear?

You may not be dwelling on what happened when you were 16, but your sub-conscious mind certainly is. You are scared because something happened that was so scary that you are still reverberating from it. This is what PTSD is all about. Your brain is stuck in  the “flight” part of “fight or flight”, the normal reactions to when we feel frightened. This isn’t rational because it isn’t happening in the rational part of your brain. Your brain is protecting you from your fear by helping you avoid even thinking about it.

You deserve a normal life with normal relationships and a normal comfortable and loving family someday. That isn’t going to happen unless you get some treatment to calm your brain and to process what happened to you when you were younger.

A therapist who specializes in trauma treatment can provide the help you need and deserve. PTSD is treatable. WIth good information and support, you can learn how to keep yourself safe and enjoy friendships with men and date.

You made an important first step by writing to us here at LifeHelper. Now, please, take the next step toward a better life by finding a therapist to help you.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Please help me out of this abusive relationship.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i have been involved with someone for exactly 2 years. i really fell for him despite the fact that he was entangled with his ex, who was actively stalking the both of us, (she read emails, followed us in her car, called my house, etc.) i put up with him being emotionally unavailable to me and verbally and emotionally abusing me all the time. he is a heavy drinker and has been charged with dui’s. i have tried many times to get out of the relationship, but always go back to him. i feel ashamed, cheated and horrible. i have anxiety attacks when he pushes me away, (after propositioning me and wanting to spend time with me) and i have been impulsive in my phone calls and texts to him in the past. i recently discovered that i am a love addict and what it means to be involved with an abusive person when you yourself are an addict. he used to tell me that his ex was “crazy” all the while he was calling her and stringing her along. then he started calling me “crazy” while calling and stringing me along. i’ve recently let go of him, but because of some things that happened he is harrassing me in a rage and wont go away. i have been so tormented by this person and i have instigated it by not fully walking away a long time ago when i should have. i am considering filing a restraining order against him because he’s has texted me incessantly in the last few days, calling me horrible names and belitting everything in my life that is dear to me, but dont want to further his rage or have him file one on me (i have repsonded to many of the texts because i am an addict and can’t not read his abuse). what can i do to shake this person off me? i know he doesn’t love me i know it’s bad, we hate eachother and have vowed to never be friends again, but now if feel so tired, sick, obsessed, full of anxiety and remorse over the last two years. i am in my late thirties and feel i have wasted time. despite all this stuff, i have always found good parts of him to keep me in this pattern.i need help to keep him away forever and protect myself from anything he might try to do. please help me, what can i do to resolve this, find peace with him, be left alone and not get entangled in anymore trouble? i really want to move on and heal from it all.

A; You already know that you are in a dangerous situation. You need more help than I can offer in a letter. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can find them at www.ndvh.org. Compassionate, experienced counselors are there to help you 24/7. Calling doesn’t obligate you in any way. They will offer you information and the support you so desperately need.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Really Want to Kill and/or Eat People

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My name is S—-, and I’m 19 years old. For most of my life, I’ve been experiencing urges to kill people. And not with guns or anything like that either. I want to slice them open with a knife, taste their raw flesh, and watch the light leave their eyes as they die. If people on the street knew what I was thinking about doing to them, then they’d probably be horrified. Fantasizing about this sort of of thing really arouses me sexually, and while it’s not the only thing that does, it’s possibly the best. These urges don’t only occur when I’m upset or angered, but those emotions definitely amplify them. For example, if I’m just standing there with something sharp in my hand, I’ll have the impulse to just thrust it into the soft throat of the nearest person. I would just love to feel it sink in, and get covered by the blood gushing from their wound. I’d probably cannibalize their body, too, because I love the smell and taste of blood. When I was younger, I would
cut my arms just to taste the blood and rub it on my face. I’ve never actually killed anyone, no matter how much I’ve wanted to, but I a did stab my neighbor’s dog to death once. It just made me feel so alive, like nothing else ever had, to feel it’s fear and watch it die. Now that I’m writing this all down, it’s making me sound like some kind of deformed, basement-dwelling freak. But I’m an attractive person, have a sizable amount of friends, loving parents, and a beautiful girlfriend. She’s the real reason I’m writing this; I’m absolutely horrified by the prospect of her finding out what I’m like. I don’t want her to be afraid of me, but she’s too sweet to not be. I haven’t “gotten help” yet because I’m still living off of my parents, and I haven’t even told them I’m a lesbian yet, much less a psychotic cannibal. I just can’t see that conversation going well. I’ve also often fantasized about stabbing a therapist in the eye with his own pen, so I don’t know if that would be such a good idea. I don’t really want to have these thoughts and feelings, but my life wouldn’t be so fulfilling without them. Why am I like this?

 Your fantasies are outside the norm. Most people do not fantasize about killing and cannibalism and would find these thoughts to be immoral and an unacceptable expression of evil.

Killing a dog and watching it suffer and gaining pleasure from its suffering is also something that most people would never do. It is a socially unacceptable behavior. The FBI considers cruelty to animals a crime against society.

The graduation hypothesis suggests that hurting animals is an early warning sign for future violence. If an individual is willing to hurt animals, then they might also be willing to hurt people. Animal abuse has also been linked with domestic violence, child abuse and murder. Some well known killers have histories of hurting and torturing animals.

You have already killed an animal. The concern is that you will hurt more animals or “graduate” to people. Also concerning is that you like these fantasies, seem unwilling to give them up, are turned on by them, and have already more or less said you don’t want to see a therapist.

Mental health professionals can’t help people who don’t want help, but if you change your mind, you can get help. Getting help could be the difference between your correcting this problem or it growing into a much larger problem in your life. Had you been arrested for torturing and killing the dog, you would have likely faced jail time. Should it happen again and you are caught, given the new harsher federal laws against animal abuse, you could face significant prison time. The FBI recently reclassified animal cruelty as a Group A federal offense, a category that includes other serious crimes such as arson, burglary, kidnapping, and homicide.

Whenever you recognize that something is wrong and that your behavior is a problem, then it is incumbent upon you to seek help. Seeking professional help is the most effective and responsible choice you can make. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Sick husband beats her all the time

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

We have been married to most of our adult life. He is controlling and very violent. I’ve left him more than 45 times but I return because he always gets sick, once he had a stroke and fell down the stairs and broke his hips. He is in pain all the time and there isn’t any meds that will help the pain. Since he has brain cancer, diabetes and broken hips he is never in a good mood, therefore everything I do is wrong. He is a pefectionist. I’m depressed all the time and I can’t walk without stumbling because I’ve been hit on my head so many times, I have dents in my head. I can not find a way to ensure that he has food to eat and someone can take care of him. He won’t go to a nursing home and he wants to die at home. He has to eat or he will vomit. No one has keys to his house but me and when he can’t talk, the blood doesn’t get to his brain, no one can understand him but me. I’ve thought of everything I could not I don’t see any way out. I work and he doesn’t but he’s very intelligient, smarter than me. He could fix anything and knows almost everything. I know I could live up to his standards. He complains that I don’t cook, take care of him or talk to him to get his mind off his pain and him dying. All I want to do is to sleep to escape being with him. Work and sleep are my escapes unless I leave him then he calls me all day at work and threatens to have me arrested for theft of his cell phone. I’m desperate, I have talked to dv counselors and I still can’t find a way out.

What you are describing is domestic violence. Please don’t give up on the counselors in your area. Here’s a quote from the website for the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence: “CADV operates the statewide 24-hour toll-free hotline for victims of domestic violence in partnership with Alternatives Inc. of Madison County. Individuals calling the crisis line receive emotional and practical support that includes, but is not limited to the following: crisis counseling, criminal justice information, personal advocacy, information and referral services, and violent crime compensation assistance.” The CADV Hotline is 1-800-332-7385.

You need to be in touch with these people to get needed moral support and to help you understand how to get out of your situation. I realize you’re trying to do the right thing and not abandon someone who is sick and in pain. But being sick does not excuse your husband’s treatment of you. Nor does it require you to be his nurse when his response is to hurt you some more. You are beaten down but not out. You may be depressed but you managed to write to us here at LifeHelper. Now make some calls to CADV and get the help you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know How to Help, or Even if I Should

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My boyfriend is a great person, very caring and encouraging. There are things about him that are hard for him to deal with, that bother him a lot, and some of it scares and/or confuses me but I really just want to help him get through these things in the best way possible. He has a lot of fears…he is terrified of driving and never has b/c he’s too afraid to learn it, he’s afraid of aliens or shadow people abducting/harming him, and of being physically away from me for too long. He was abused severely in his last serious relationship but doesn’t like to talk about it (which obviously I won’t pressure him to discuss, so I know very little). He also has a need to be a “vigilante” and physically harm criminals in a spree-style fashion. He says he wants to stop but it’s hard, like an addiction. I tried to come up with other ways for him to deal with emotions and fears, but I admittedly don’t really know what I’m doing. I see this awesome person struggling a lot inside and don’t know what to do to help. 

A: It sounds like you care about your boyfriend a great deal and have tried to help him in the best ways you know how.  But it also sounds like your boyfriend’s issues go beyond what a friend, girlfriend or even family member could help him through. The best thing for him would be to get help from a trained mental health professional.  However, if someone doesn’t want help, it can be very difficult to guide them to it. 

If you haven’t already, you might do some research on therapists or mental health agencies in your area, reducing the leg work he would have to do himself.  In order to get the ball rolling, you might also consider seeing someone yourself and then asking him to join you for a few couple’s sessions. This might make it less threatening for him. 

The other part of your question that concerns me is his need to be a “vigilante.” This could lead him down a very destructive path, endangering himself and others, and could possibly lead to him becoming a criminal himself. Violence is violence. If he breaks the law to harm someone else, even if he deems them to be a criminal, he puts himself on their level. I know it would be very difficult to do when you love someone, but if you have knowledge of him hurting or planning to hurt someone, I would suggest that you contact the police.  

I’m sorry that your boyfriend has so many fears and was abused in a prior relationship. I appreciate the fact that you love him and want to help him, but I really hope you involve the professionals in that pursuit. 

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Twin Sister and Mom Not Speaking

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I have a family issue going on and I was seeking some help. This conflict is between my twin sister and my mom. They have been completely ignoring each other and not even looking at each other for the past 3 weeks. It is to the point where my sister will not come downstairs so I have to bring food up to her. Let me give you a brief history. It all began around 5 years ago when we were 12 (16 now), so we were in middle school. My sister and my mom had trouble communicating. I can’t specifically remember what they fought about – my family always thought it revolved around my sister’s stubbornness on apologizing to my mom. We would tell her to learn to apologize instead of arguing and if there is anything that my mom is wrong about, then maybe after 30 minutes after the argument when she has become not mad, then consult with her in a respectful manner. That was what we thought was the matter for about 4 years. Even in a mother’s day card last year, she wrote “I’m sorry mom for my stubbornness; I’ll try to fix it up”. However, this was not the case. It became clear this year that my twin sister’s problem was NOT being respectful to my mother. She would mutter “What the heck” under her breath, roll her eyes, shake her head, occasionally scream back at her, and fold her arms. Coming from an Asian family where respect to elders is extremely valued this was angering for my mom. I’ll tell you about what the ultimate fight was that caused this huge brick between my mom and my sister. Three weeks ago, my sister and I woke up really late at around 1 P.M. My mom was furious because we constantly promised to wake up earlier yet we always broke that promise. Usually she was okay with it, but because we constantly did not listen to her, she built up the anger and yelled at us that morning. I came downstairs and she was yelling at me and scolding me and my sister comes downstairs. While my mom was screaming, she poured a bowl of cereal and started to eat. This is already rude in my perspective because it looks like we are totally ignoring her. Then my mom asks my sister why she woke up so late. Then my sister replies with “My alarm clock did not go off.” So my mom, shocked at her blunt answer asked how she got up from school. And my sister straightforwardly answered “My sister wakes me up.” My mom got even madder and asked her how that can be of any excuse and she started to state that we always ignore what she says and never tries to listen. Then my mom asks this question after a few minutes of screaming : What do I if you guys will not listen to me” Of course we remained silent, because it wasn’t a question we could quite think of an answer of. My mom was furious and asked us one more time “What do you think I should do!”” And my sister in a loud tone, after chewing on her cereal yelled “You decide!” And this is after about thirty minutes of my sister’s unsorry and disrespectful manner, and my mom’s madness. So my mom replied with “So are you saying if I hit you, you will be hit”” And my sister replied with “No, because that is completely absurd.” After this my mom lost it and punched my sister twice in the head. And I was an eye witness and I could hands down tell you it was a smack where bruises could be left or jaws could snap. After this, my sister started slapping my mom and screaming and I had to get in the way screaming for them to stop. Afterwards, my sister screams “I’m going to call the police on you!!!” And throws a book at my mother and threatens her. I had to run my sister outside the house and calm down my mom. My sister stayed at the nearby playground for about 4 hours and later came home and they haven’t spoken a word since that day. I asked my sister if she was guilty at all and she was not a single bit. She claims that my mom is a crazy psychopath and she claims that she does not love her. I asked her what the problem with mom is and she says that she is narrow minded and only thinks for herself. Okay, so with that said, here is another bit of information. My mom is a mother of three children : me, my twin sister, and my older brother. We are a great family and looked upon as role model family from other families. I love my mom and this is why this conflict between my sister and my mom is also confusing. She is the only child in the family that has these fights with mom and dislikes her. I have been in every single situation as my sister and I always react differently. I would never speak or act like that to my mom ever. We were both raised the same way and yet we come to totally different conclusions. My mom was actually more rough on my brother and I and we got hit more when we were young and when it came to my twin sister, she was barely hit and whenever my mom and her got into a fight, my mom would go for hours, using examples, trying to communicate with my twin sister, whereas for my brother and I, after a few minutes of talking, she would just tell us to go to our room. However, even going through a rougher side, we always managed to hug it out and become completely normal. However, in my sister’s case, my mom and sister never really “worked it out”. Also, I cannot stress the disrespect level of my sister. Throughout fights I had to scream “Watch your attitude!” constantly! And not only that, it came to the point where we wanted to record her attitude towards mom because she kept arguing that her attitude was “normal”. However, we wanted to do this because it came in a t.v. program on how people could visually be able to see how bad their actions are. And my sister told us to record her. And let me say this, my sister looks at past videos of her on the ipad and sees the way shes talks to me and tells me “Wow I look so bitchy.” However, that Is NOTHING compared to how disrespectful she is to my mom, the way she looks at her, the way she uses sarcasm, the way she shakes her head, rolls her eyes. However, my dad totally denied the recording idea. I told my sister I would never do what she did EVER and say what she said, and she told me that you weren’t in my position before. And yes, I was in the same exact situations as her, but our reactions were ALWAYS different. There would be times when my mom started as being mad at me but later became FURIOUS because of my sister that she even forgot why she was mad at me. My sister always managed to make her more than she was before. Anyways, my brother and I EXTREMELY LOVE my mom. She is not the type of mom who punishes for no reason. She is very wise and I respect her so much. But, my sis does NOT feel this way. In this case, what is going wrong and what do you think should happen for this to be over. I know this is long, however, there are still sooo much behind this, so if there is any questions please feel free to ask me.

Thank you for your detailed letter. The problem here has to do with your mother’s inability to manage her anger. If you step back from the situation for a moment, you’ll realize that the thing igniting the problem is your mother’s inability to cope adequately with normal teenage issues. She punched your sister in the head because she answered the question honestly. Think about that. As you said you were an eyewitness. The question isn’t how to figure out how to have more respect and better behavior, but how do you stop a mother from physically abusing her daughter?

I think you and your sister have to decide what to do. This is a serious issue. No child should be punched in the face by their mother or father for any reason. It is that simple. When you talk to your sister decide what it is you would be willing to do. The most direct way is to talk to your high school guidance counselor. He or she is in the best position to help get counseling for your family.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Both Homicidal and Suicidal

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been intrigued by murder and serial killers, it borderlines on obsession. For over 7 years I have been having vivid fantasies about plunging knives into my sisters chest and throat and poisoning my dad. Then it progressed to complete strangers. I have each one planed out from picking my victim, to the actual act, then the disposal of the body and any evidence, even my alibi should I need it. These fantasies moved to urges, so strong that I have to hold myself back from actually doing it. This should sicken me but it Intrigues me, fascinates me, excites me. In my fantasies I’m doing it out of boredom because it’s fun. Most recently I have included myself in them. Making me the victim as well.

The fact that you have most recently included yourself as a victim in your fantasies indicates that you have a desire to die. It means that you are both homicidal and suicidal. In many cases, they seem to go hand-in-hand.

You did not provide details about your life circumstances but I suspect that you are experiencing a great deal of psychological pain and are in a position in which you feel a lack of power. Often, individuals who feel as though they have insufficient power in the world will fantasize about what they perceive to be the ultimate power, which is taking the life of another.

There’s nothing glamorous about murder or those who commit it. It’s an act of grave destruction. Every religion considers it a sin. It’s an act of evil, plain and simple.

You are on the verge of being unable to control your behavior. In addition, it seems as though you continually expose yourself to your obsession which increases the likelihood that you may act out your fantasies. I would consider your risk for potential violence as being high.

I strongly urge you to seek emergency assistance. If you feel that you cannot control your behavior, then go to the emergency room immediately. The staff at the emergency room can keep you safe and can ensure that you receive treatment. Treatment would also address why you feel compelled to hurt others and help you to control your impulses.

Fantasizing about wanting to harm others and yourself are clear indicators of mental instability and potentially severe depression. At this point in time, you have not harmed anyone. Should you act on your fantasies, you will lose your freedom and potentially your life. You might spend the rest of your life in prison or face the death penalty.

If you’re looking for other ways to handle boredom, I have some ideas that may be helpful.

  • Engage in physical activity: Going for a walk, run, workout or playing a sport can help you release energy and improve your mood.
  • Learn a new skill or hobby: Taking up a new hobby or learning a new skill can keep your mind occupied and give you a sense of purpose.
  • Seek therapy or counseling: Seeking professional help to deal with negative thoughts and emotions can provide the protagonist with the tools and support needed to cope.
  • Turn to creative outlets: Engaging in creative pursuits such as writing, drawing, or music can channel the protagonist’s energy and emotions into something positive.
  • Find a new purpose or goal: Setting a new goal or finding a new purpose can give the protagonist direction and motivation, and help shift their focus away from negative thoughts and behaviors.
  • Connect with friends and loved ones: Building and maintaining strong relationships with friends, family, and loved ones can provide a sense of support and fulfillment, and help combat feelings of boredom and loneliness.

Please seek help immediately before you do something that you will regret and could ruin your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Childhood Relevance & Relationship Issues

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a history of repeated physical abuse by my father in childhood, stimulated by minor factors like a slightly lower grade or poor handwriting. I am also unfortunate to have witnessed my father being violent to my mother and sister. All of which are imprinted in my mind and still make me cry on recollection, both my parents died of cancer in the past two years. I have always had difficulty in concentrating on studies, except , paradoxicay, while watching movies or reading noves where I lose track of the surroundings and people often have to call me repeatedly then. I have been engaged the past year to a kind hearted man, but I have a problem of being offended by the slightest comment, which makes me miserable the whole day and I yell at him or message him till he relents and apologises, sometimes even that doesnt placate me and I carry on till I really hurt him, after which I feel guilty and keep apologising. I also keep having pangs of jealousy when he talks about other women, in his work or past, even though irrational. I also have the trouble of making decisions, especially split second ones, so I’m scared to learn driving as it involves a lot of split second decisions, and often rely on others to make decisions for me, sometimes bad ones. I used to write a lot of poetry earlier, but stopped the past 3 years. I also procrastinate very badly and have a incapacitating fear of darkness that I cant explain. I feel no one understands me and have brooded over death a long time, though I havent taken active steps to end my life. I feel a lot of this is attributable to the violence encountered from my father, though I am not sure. I do not drink or smoke.

I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling. Suicide should never be a consideration for you or for anyone. All of the problems that you have described are highly treatable with counseling. Many people have experienced or witnessed abuse as children but have recovered from their experiences. You can recover too.

You mentioned relationship problems. In all likelihood, your negative childhood experiences are impacting your current relationships. Once you recognize inappropriate behavior, you can then work to change it. Counseling could help you to make these positive changes. Perhaps your fiancé would attend counseling with you, to support you and to help correct these relationship problems.

You also described experiencing fear and perhaps even depression. These problems are not something that you should accept as your reality. They are highly treatable. I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling.

Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that seeking professional help is akin to being a failure. That is simply not true. We are not born with problem-solving skills. These skills must be learned. Some people learn these skills from their parents or other role models, but not everyone has this luxury. Mental health professionals can teach us these important problem-solving skills. It’s the most efficient way to correct life problems. I hope you will consider it.

If you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else, call emergency services. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Enjoying Thoughts of Murdering Random and Known People and Showing No Remorse

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Ok so I am 16 and in my last year for secondary school and my school life has been fun as i have enjoyed my life so far, but since April my mum has stopped dropping me by car or picking me up by car from school so i now travel by bus, so one day on the bus i was listening to music when my mind dosed off and i started to fantasise about killing the passengers of the bus in very grotesque ways such as running there face between the tyres of cars so that there face rips off their skull and just look like a pancakes and then i would feed it to the passenger next to them and i also do something grotesque to them, and its come to point where i enjoy it, and now i can just think about it and do it to any one i want whether it be family members or class members i really have no remorse so the ways which i kill them are bloody and unreal. I do not suffer from any sort of depression, (when i searched for this question, most people had been suffering from depression or had thoughts of committing suicide which i have not yet) and i do not have any problems against the people that i think about killing it just that it makes me happy killing in my mind. I have not told anyone so far as they may laugh at me (which i would also do), i am not sure if this is something normal or if this is something i should worry about as it may lead on to much worse thing but currently i do not believe that i will complete or act out these thoughts as it is illegal and against my religion but who knows something might click and even that may not stop me. All I asking is should i tell anyone, or should i just leave it be and not act on it, and what actions should i take (also i have come to being fascinated by surgeries which involve needles and knives and also murders which involve a lot of blood and i have not played video games in a year due to exams creeping closer so i do not think that that is the problem). Thanks

These fantasies occur to you during the boredom of a bus ride. You know the difference between right and wrong. You don’t seem to be at risk of carrying out these actions. You not depressed or suicidal or otherwise unhappy or unsatisfied with your life. Generally speaking, people don’t “snap.” That only happens in movies and other fictionalized versions of graphic violence.

When these fantasies arise, try refocusing on something less violent. Reading a book or listening to music or distracting yourself with more positive imagery might eliminate these fantasies altogether. The goal is to change the nature of your fantasies, if possible. Counseling could help you to achieve that goal.

Call emergency services if you believe that you cannot control your behavior or are at risk of harming someone. They can protect you. Good luck and don’t hesitate to write again with additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Feel Like Something Violent Takes Over

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 18 year old girl in Sweden: I enjoy getting in relationships only to completely destroy the person later on. Or well, not really. I enjoy it in the moment. I get all gittery and giggly and I feel really good inside. It’s not a sexual thing either, it’s just fun. I feel like life without hurting others would be boring and mundane.

It’s almost like a mood I get in. It’s a different me than the normal me, cause when I get back to my normal self I can feel quite bad. Or can I? I don’t even know if I feel bad or not. I know it’s a bad thing and and I’m an outright scummy person. I should feel bad. I may feel bad sometimes but I don’t really care.

And then we have this side of it:
The “personality switch” also happens when I’m with my friends, but it’s different then. I can get very violent and I just can’t stop giggling. It’s like something out of a movie. I realize what I’m doing in the moment but I just can’t stop myself. It’s like something takes over.

My friend said my eyes get scary? That she was kinda scared of me when I got like that. The last thing I want is for people to be scared of me! I’m not a scary person! Or that’s what I’d like to think but I’m starting to doubt myself. I don’t actually wanna hurt anyone I’m just in the moment…

I do wanna stop this but I don’t know how. And I don’t wanna seem like an edgy teenager trying to be cool either, this is becoming a problem when my friends and even my dad at one point are telling me I scare them. And it’s a problem cause I can’t stop my violent tendencies, I don’t wanna end up in jail or anything!

And I’m so confused with my own thoughts on this, I’m all over the place as you can see.
Is there something wrong with me?
Is there some sort of personality thing happening here?
How do I stop myself?

When I read your letter, my first thought was “What happened to this person that created this problem?” Generally, people who want to hurt others have been terribly hurt themselves. If you were seeing me for therapy, I’d want to explore whether your thoughts of violence are a way you try to protect yourself. Thoughts of violence certainly give you the feeling of being in control or having the upper hand.

If that isn’t part of the picture (or if it’s only a part of it), I’d want to talk with you more about the “switch” — tracking when and how it happens.

Obviously I can’t do any of this. I do think what you are describing is serious enough that you should make an appointment with a therapist who can. You don’t like these feelings. You are concerned about them. You are scaring people you care about. Those are all good reasons to get an assessment from a mental health professional. It may be that you just need some reassurance. Or it may be that you need some healing. You and the therapist will decide the best way to help you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What’s Wrong with Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My parents have said many times that I’m cold blooded because i don’t feel sad or pity when people die in terrorist attack like they do, i really don’t understand why i should, it’s not me. I tried to drown my sister out of jealousy but i played the victim so I didn’t get punished. I like to break friendships up and make my friends hate each other. I like to wreck other people’s groups. I like to twist people’s words to make them feel bad and apologize/’comfort’ me. I only want to become a surgeon when i graduate because i want to operate on people not because i want to help them and my mother always say that of me, but even though that is not my goal, they are still helped in the end, so what’s the problem? I once ran away from home for a while so that my parents can get worried and be punished. I pretend to be the innocent and lovely person around other people. I once accidentally poisoned a cat but I don’t feel regret. I was happy when my baby cousin had a hole in his heart because he was born near my birthday and he took the spotlight away from me. I was mad my granddad died a week before my birthday so my family wont celebrate my birthday cause they are greiving. I fantasize about murdering or torturing people that has wronged me, but i wont do it cuz i will get a criminal record . I wasnt brought up in a abusive family and i have never had a traumatised childhood. I dont know what’s wrong with me.

The fact that you worry about going to prison might prevent you from harming strangers, but it does not seem to prevent you from wreaking havoc in the lives of those closest to you. There are occasions when you purposely harm them and subsequently feel no remorse. These are worrisome behaviors and responses.

I can’t answer the question of what is “wrong” with you, on the basis of a short letter, but generally speaking you seem geared towards harming rather than helping people. How you treat people is a choice. You can choose to do good or you can choose to do harm. For reasons that are not well understood, some people choose the latter.

In a broader, more philosophical context, our choices are considered good or evil. To help someone or to relieve their suffering is considered good. To do the opposite, to intentionally behave in ways that harm people, is considered evil. As the famous Stanford psychologist, Dr. Philip Zimbardo explains, “Evil is knowing better but willingly doing worse.”

The first step in changing negative behavior is acknowledgement. By acknowledging these issues and by asking your question, you are behaving responsibly and in my view, trying to change your behavior. It would suggest a desire to change. That is hopeful and encouraging.

Your next step should be asking your parents to assist you in finding a local therapist. Counseling will help to correct your thinking and behavior. You will learn how to move away from behavior and tendencies that could lead you into trouble. If you were to carry out your fantasies, you could be facing a lifetime in prison or, depending on where you live, the death penalty. You must do everything in your power to correct this problem. Counseling is the ideal solution. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Like Causing Others Emotional Pain, Like Receiving Physical Pain

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

As you can read from the title, I like causing others emotional pain. Especially boys. I like stringing them along, making them think I like or love them, just to completely stop talking to them, or just to tell them that I don’t. Everytime I meet a guy I just think about If I could play with them the way I wanted to. To have them on their knees for me. As you can also tell by the title, I like receiving physical pain. I think it’s totally great when someone pucnhes me in the face, or just leaves bruises. I especially like the pain the day after. when the bruise is visable, and you don’t feel the direct pain anymore and just that faint pain, that you can still feel that you’ve been hit. It’s nice to me. But i don’t have a kink. neither am I into BDSM. I personally think BDSM is disgusting, and I would never, ever try it. I don’t like pain when it comes to sex. BDSM is a big no to me. And I want to make that clear because alot of people tell me, my liking to pain is a kink. I think about a year ago I was diagnosed with depression. I had therapy. I am not depressed anymore, I am empty. I don’t have any feelings other than anger. I also feel very annoyed and bored all the time. And my family now thinks I’m insane. So I want to know, which personality disorder I might have? if I have one?

Diagnoses are best determined by having an in-person evaluation, by a mental health professional. It’s something you should consider, especially because of your anger. Occasional anger is normal but constant anger is not.

You also expressed a desire to control and or harm others. These types of fantasies can arise when people lack power and control over their own lives. Feeling helpless often breeds fantasies of power and dominance.

If I were interviewing you, I would want to know about what has happened in your life that has led to your feelings and fantasies. Has there been trauma and abuse?

Your desire to hurt others or to be harmed is unusual and is probably linked to your anger. When these feelings arise, you should not indulge them. Nothing good can come from your harming people or your attempting to be harmed by others.

You mentioned a diagnosis of depression which means that you have interacted with mental health professionals. If you’re not already in counseling, you should try it. It would help you to understand your feelings but more importantly, how to overcome them and improve the quality of your life. Angry people are not happy people. Therefore changes are necessary; help is necessary.

All of these issues can be addressed in counseling. Ask your parents to assist you in seeking professional help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Possible Depression Due to Video Game Deprivation

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Until a few months back I used to play GTAV at my friend’s house without my parent’s permission, this went on for three years and then I told them. They didn’t get that mad but told me I couldn’t play it anymore. The problem is that now that I never play it anymore I feel a very strong need to play it and since no other game can replace it I feel unhappy and unfulfilled. When I actually write it out the first time it sounds really pathetic but it’s actually quite a big problem. I wasn’t very happy with my life before but video games was an easy way to cope with other things (when I say cope I don’t mean through extreme violence like in GTA’s case, more like a person who really likes soccer and uses that). The reason my parents won’t let me play it is because of the mature content but I’m not interested in the sex and drugs and the violence is unrealistic enough not to affect me at all. To be honest I don’t really feel anything special when for example killing people in video games. I’ve done a lot of research and I like to think that I know more than most people about psychology and I’m very sure that I’m not a psychopath nor narcissist. An example from the game is this one scene involving torture which I found pretty hard to get through. I’m also quite intelligent for my age and has scored 121 on an IQ test, I’ve also got really good grades and stuff so I think that that’s maybe why I’m not affected by violence I know is fake. I’ve also already done pretty much everything in the game and seen almost everything in it in movies and tv series, so I kinda feel like I’ve seen everything and that all potential damage is already done. My parents have also said that you shouldn’t take chances and that I may get affected even though I didn’t before. That may be but I’ve actually begun to feel really depressed and sad most of the time and I know that there’s no other way to fix it. I think that’s because it was one of the things I enjoyed doing the most and now I can’t anymore. I would be so thankful if you could help me. Thank you!!! (From Sweden)

  Withdrawal symptoms from internet gaming is a disorder that is being studied and reviewed as this article explains. While there is, as yet, no conclusive treatment or agreement on it, it sounds like you are experiencing a reaction that has come exactly from stopping. There isn’t an easy protocol I can direct you to for treatment, but I do have a suggestion. First, let me say that I think your parents are doing the right thing by trying to curb your use because the more well-known information does indicate it may be harmful. Yet I am impressed by your courage and concern about the impact it has had on your own well-being.

I’d advocate for an experiment. Take a period of time that you and your parents could agree to, a week or two, and work out a compromise of playing the game for a minimal amount of time, perhaps a half-hour a day. Experiencing playing the game at some minor level of time engagement might have an impact on you. If it does, then we know there has been a withdrawal effect. The key here is for you and your parents to be working together for your best interest, improving communication with each other, and testing out ways to help.

If you use it and feel better, then I think we follow a recovery model. Find the absolute minimum of time you could play it to prevent the withdrawal reaction from getting activated. Then find a way to keep it at that minimum — or wean off of it slowly.

I wish I had something less experimental to offer, but the current state of the science doesn’t offer anything conclusive beyond experimentation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Think about Killing Things

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Lately especially, but i have felt this way for a very long time, I think about killing people, animals, or general destruction of surrounding items. I have been extremely fascinated by horror and gore. i have never found it scary or disgusting but actually the opposite. i enjoy it a lot. i don’t really bother watching movies unless there is someone being terrorized. in class or everyday life my mind wonders to heavy detailed scenarios in which i am hurting or killing someone. i don’t purposely think about it but once i do i don’t try to stop it either. i tend to enjoy it to be honest. i don’t really care who is in the “day dream” or what they are saying or feeling. i don’t really care if they know me or if I’ve known them in a close relationship. i think about my “friend” or my whole family dying a lot and it doesn’t bother me at all. i just don’t care really. today i had a thought about killing my “friend” because she tried to talk to me during lunch. she told me ” you don’t understand basic human feelings” and i honestly don’t. she was sad and i couldn’t care if i tried. i have people who want to talk to me but it end to get very angry at the thought of someone trying to interact with me. i have been planning murders and ways to get away with them for a very long time now. i could watch everyone i know die and not cry at all. i have no problem with lying to or manipulating the people closest to me to get what i want to cause them to be inconvenienced. i fell like people are out to get me a lot. and sometimes i see or hear things that aren’t their. the things i see are usually people hurt and the things i hear are usually people telling me things to do that are “bad” i sometimes hear things in music that weren’t said either. is there something wrong with me? should i care? and why do i love the idea of causing pain and suffering?

Yes, you should care. Your thoughts and feelings are abnormal. They might indicate that something is wrong. Happy, well-adjusted people don’t fantasize about killing.

You did not provide information about your day-to-day life or about what could be wrong. If I were interviewing you in person, I would inquire about your current life situation. It would help me to understand why you might be having these fantasies. Sometimes, when people experience personal hardships in their own lives, they have fantasies about power, control and domination.

It would be best for you to stop watching films and or reading materials that encourage these types of fantasies. Avoid them altogether.

If this continues to be a problem, you should be evaluated by a mental health professional. He or she could determine what’s wrong and help you to develop new ways of thinking about the world.

Finally, if you feel as though you can’t control your behavior, then call emergency services or go to the hospital. They can protect you from harming yourself or others. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Anger, Hate, Violent Urges

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Really bad temper. Gets angry easily. Enjoys the thought of beating the crap out of the people I hate (which is a lot, most for unreasonable things), have had dreams of doing this, have fantasized about beating them with hard, blunt objects, or slicing them with knives,sometimes harming them with fire. But mostly I imagine doing it with my bare hands. I get all excited and pumped and get hot flashes and my heart rate goes up. It sounds sexual but I don’t get “turned on” by it. It’s more of an adrenaline rush I guess. Have not harmed anyone yet, I have always had a huge sense of self control, but this is stressful and probably NOT good for my health. Sometimes can’t sleep because too restless about it. Parents had me tested at young age for ADHD, didn’t have it. I have a close relationship with both of my siblings, but I remember one night a while back I was sharing a bed with my little brother and I had the really strong urge to choke him for no reason. Had to turn away from him and just about scared myself shitless. Have had a few issues with depression, though nothing major. Nothing I can’t deal with. I’m also fiercely independent, and have a very hard time admitting to weakness. Dont know if this helps, but past drug and alcohol addiction runs in the family on both sides, mostly dad’s, though none of them are or ever have been addicts of any kind. I also know history of mental illness does too, on my mom’s, and dads, no sure what, but probably along the lines of depression. My Cousin on my mom’s side has bipolar disorder if that has anything to do with it. Would just like to get an idea of what might be going on with me, and maybe some suggestions. Thanks.

Thank you for your honesty and willingness to confront these very difficult feelings. It takes a great deal of courage and bravery to look at yourself and figure out what is going on. The fact that the urge scared you so much is a very good sign because it means that the part of you that is trying to control these urges is letting you know it needs some help.

I’m not certain how the family history may be influencing all of this, but it may be — and I would encourage you to get some testing by a clinical psychologist or an evaluation by a psychiatrist to help get to the bottom of it. The fact that these thoughts are unwanted and you are trying to manage them is important to talk about with a professional. This isn’t being weak — in fact it is one of the bravest things anyone can do.

In the meantime you may want to use one of our forums to talk more about this — and see how others have been dealing with similar feelings.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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