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Why Did My Boyfriend Break Up with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.K.: Hello, I am looking for some advice. I have been seeing a guy since early January, who just ended our relationships suddenly few days ago. When we met, he was keen to see me a lot, despite us living in different countries, and throughout the relationship he would call/text every day. That didn’t change.

I met his parents in late January, and we were official boyfriend/girlfriend after a few weeks. He said, “I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore, I haven’t felt like this since I was in my 20s – I thought it was impossible for me to feel like this again”;. He asked me to move in with him (late May), and was planning summer holidays together, wedding attendances, and even Christmas. In mid april we then had 2 weeks apart, where we were both traveling. We spoke a bit less, as both busy, but when I saw him after that, he ended it within half hour. He said, “it seemed you lost interest, and I have been thinking about it, and I don’t
think I have the feelings I should have”.

That was it. No conversation, and no answer as to what may have led to it. All was well two weeks prior, when we spoke about how much we like being there for each other. He even several times spoke about kids and family, and how happy he was I got on well with his parents.

Last month we were in China together to visit his friend, and here he proudly announced that we were moving in together. He was always very loving and attentive. When he ended it, he said that me moving in was a deadline for him moving a decision and it drove him to decide to end.

I have felt throughout that he was interested. I have not been in doubt. However, when we were apart for those two weeks I could feel he pulled away. I don’t know why. In the last few days I have been reading and I found that it could be due to commitment issues. His only long relationship ended 7 years ago, when she left for his best friend. So he was understandably hurt. I wonder if this is the key problem? Or am I wasting my time? When he ended, he said that he can’t imagine someone he’s better suited with.

I have no idea if he has “commitment issues”. I do think both of you were moving much too fast in your relationship. You barely knew each other and had spent very little time together before deciding to move in. I can’t explain your boyfriend’s behavior. I do wish you would take a close look at your own.

What is your hurry? Slow down. Get to really know someone before you give your heart away. Moving as fast as you did is often a set-up for heart break. Take care of yourself by spending the time to let a relationship unfold naturally. If this is a pattern for you, please consider seeing a therapist for awhile to uncover why you let yourself get so quickly involved. You deserve to find and nurture a relationship that builds from a foundation of mutual knowing.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I am getting cold feet about my wedding

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So, I’m a 23 y/o male. Been dating the same girl–my first real GF for nearly 5 years, and engaged for 7 months now. Up until the time of engagement I always felt passionate love for her. On the day of the question/engagement, I felt very sick afterwards, and the feeling hasn’t really left completely. We were always great together, except one time I was flirting with another old friend online, and planned a date that was basically to cheat (yes I know it’s wrong). When the month came I would be in the same city as the other girl, I dropped it and didn’t even think about it. 6 Months later my GF/now fiancé found the Emails on my PC. She’s not sure to believe me if anything happened with the other girl–though I swear it did not. She nearly let me go, but kept me. I still felt burning love for her, and to this day I do–I have to say maybe a little less. I’ve been struggling with the wedding the whole time. I feel like I’m swirling into a black hole and at this point I have no control of my life. I love her, but I wonder if there is more to life and if being so young and only having 1 serious relationship, I don’t know any better because I have no other comparisons. I also feel like if I could have met her a few years later when I was more settled things would be better. Basically, I am afraid of waking up one day 10 years from now and thinking that in the prime of my dating I caved in early and missed out on tons of fun, and caused her to do the same. I also worry that she won’t ever trust me or never love me completely, as I was scheming to meet another girl. Ultimately, I look at her and I know there is love, but it’s not intense and exciting anymore, it’s almost how you might love a best friend or a sibling. But in the end I am so afraid of hurting her. I don’t want to disappoint her, as she is so deserving and special. The wedding is in 14 days, and I’m panicking. I spend the day switching from happy to depressed and worried by the hour. I must say that our time together does not feel as special, but when I think of all the great things she does for me I feel very guilty about all of this. I fear that the date of the wedding will come and I will seize up and embarrass her. I feel like if I call it off I need to do it now, or man up and marry. Can I have some guidance? Is it possible that my love for her will re-ignite, or do I need to get some new experiences and live a little more as a bachelor before I get married?

You list your age at 23, so my first reaction is: Why the hurry to get married?

There are several things that you want to consider. Just to feed back to you what you have said:

  • You were willing to go so far as to plan to cheat on her, so you connection and commitment have been in question since then.
  • You felt sick to your stomach rather than elated when you got engaged.
  • Your time together does not feel special—at a time when it should be amazingly special.
  • You are motivated by guilt rather than joy.
  • You don’t love her as much as you used to—again at a time that love should be at its peak, rather than on a decline.
  • You have doubts that she trusts you.
  • You are uncertain and are hoping your love for her will reignite.

If a friend of yours were telling you this, and saying he fears he would seize up on his wedding day and embarrass her, what would you tell him to do? If he were my friend I would encourage him to do the only thing that makes sense: Tell your fiancée everything you have just told me.

She needs to know what you are thinking so she has the opportunity to decide if she is still willing to marry someone with so much doubt and hesitation. You trying to think this through alone doesn’t give her the opportunity to make a fully informed decision. This is something the two of you need to decide together. It will be difficult, but you don’t want to make a decision in isolation. If you do go forward she needs to know what you are bringing to the table. If you postpone it—then both of you get to be involved with the decision to do that. And if you end it –it will be because you were both honest about your expectations and needs.

I know it is a late date, but you may want to get in front of a couples counselor (see our tab at the top if you need a referral) and sort it through. A third party hearing all this wouldn’t hurt.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m Scared Anyone I Date Will Murder Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.K.: I am terrified to enter a relationship with a man because I’m convinced I’ll be murdered by him. I’ve made plans for when I’m older and potentially in a relationship with a man to sleep with a knife near me, close to the door, so if he tries to kill me I can defend myself/run away.

My friend at Uni walked me to the tram stop after our lectures and the entire time I was messaging other friends to let them know I don’t feel safe and I think he might kill me, despite the fact that he hasn’t done anything bad. I was shaking and trying to keep to the main road so I would be around other people in case he killed me and I kept making sure he walked a bit in front so he wasn’t behind me or out of sight.

I’;m scared that if I have kids with a guy he’ll kill us all and hide our bodies. I thought these were normal fears but my friends say its irrational. I’m too scared to go on dates or reciprocate interest in any guy that I talk to because even if I find him attractive and interesting I’m just too scared that I’m going to be killed. I’m scared I’ll go on a date and be found dead and mutilated a few days later.

The thought of dating a guy terrifies me and it doesn’t make sense because I’ve never had a creepy or violent experience with a man besides on older man who harassed me and chased me and tried to make me meet him when I was 16 but that’s not something I dwell on.

My friends tell me “just find a good guy” and thats precisely what I’m scared of. Trusting them, loving them and wanting to be with them and then all of a sudden they snap and just kill me. I just don’t know if this is a typical fear or if it’s paranoia and I need to see someone for it but I’ve started pushing away any guy friends I have who aren’t gay just in case and I don’t want to have this looming fear whenever I speak to someone who seems interested in me. Should I go see someone about this? How do I get over this fear?

You may not be dwelling on what happened when you were 16, but your sub-conscious mind certainly is. You are scared because something happened that was so scary that you are still reverberating from it. This is what PTSD is all about. Your brain is stuck in  the “flight” part of “fight or flight”, the normal reactions to when we feel frightened. This isn’t rational because it isn’t happening in the rational part of your brain. Your brain is protecting you from your fear by helping you avoid even thinking about it.

You deserve a normal life with normal relationships and a normal comfortable and loving family someday. That isn’t going to happen unless you get some treatment to calm your brain and to process what happened to you when you were younger.

A therapist who specializes in trauma treatment can provide the help you need and deserve. PTSD is treatable. WIth good information and support, you can learn how to keep yourself safe and enjoy friendships with men and date.

You made an important first step by writing to us here at LifeHelper. Now, please, take the next step toward a better life by finding a therapist to help you.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Depression and Feeling Worthless

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

After failed marriage I was in 10 year relationship that now I realize was filled with constant emotional abuse. My self-confidence lowered in time and now I feel like empty shell and completely worthless as human. I am 43 and I see no end of this suffering. I know I should be self-sufficient and love myself and to know how to be happy alone, but I need friends and I need someone to love. During that relationship I lost all friends, and he assured me, he was my best friend. Though I firmly believe he really meant that and he didn’t mean any harm, I also realize that man has serious problems he is not aware of. I ignored all caution signs for 10 years and now I am alone, left and feeling worthless and sad all the time. I can barely work, I am aggressive and sad, I can’t smile or talk.

As for problems in my failed relationship, this man is good person and I really loved him but he had really bad issues. At age 47 he still lives with his parents who of course do not approve me and they control every of his moves. We saw each other in secret, I couldn’t call him or go to his home ever. He insisted that his life needs to stay the same always and forever and he does not want to change anything for me or anyone. I was stupid enough to believe that he can change since he did love me (in his way). He never did. Then pre-menopause hit me and I become depressed and moody. He could not handle it (I admit, it’s not easy for me too) and he just left me!!! He said something like he can’t give me what I need that’s true but why now after 10 years! Now when I am completely destroyed. I feel worthless in a world of men where woman is barely worth anything if she is not young and hot. I feel alone and stupid for believing love can change anything and worthless because it was so easy for him to leave me. Feel like no one would ever love me, no friends, no anything. I am shy and introverted and I am dead inside. I don’t know what to do, I feel I am losing everything.
Please, can you help me? (From Serbia.)

When relationships fail we have a choice: Do we stare at the past and lament the difficulties we’ve encountered — or do we use what went wrong as an opportunity to learn ways of moving forward.

Your question is filled with insight about how poor this relationship has been all along. This is what you must focus on: the fact that you were allowing yourself to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship and let your friends go — and did not confront the fact that he lived at home as a fully grown adult and professed that we never wanted to change. These are the things to learn from as you move forward. By ignoring these warning signs you were giving up much of the control needed to get you out of the relationship sooner. The insight you have now is your guide. It is time to put it to use in developing a new relationship.

Give yourself the opportunity to do something different — learning from your insights. It is time to expand your social network. You can begin by joining one of our forums here to get some support for this transition. This online community can help give you some ideas for moving on.

Your insights are now your guidelines for the future. The first thing to realize is that you need to find and maintain friendships, regardless of whether or not you are in an intimate relationship. The work now is for you to build a support network. This will put you in position to get ready for love again.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Don’t Trust Boyfriend

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now. I am 25 and he is 32. It is not long. However, in those 9 months, we have had countless trust issues on both my end and his. I believe (never confirmed) that he cheated on me in the first two weeks when I went to Chicago. After that, I cheated on him too within the first month. I regretted it deeply and never did it again. However, after he found out, he has lied to me many, many times and continues to blame it on me cheating 8 months ago. We pretty much live together and have been living together since we had been dating for like 3 months. We created a website together and the company that we did it for wanted to hire us both. It was a great opportunity for both of us so now we work together too. We spent every single hour together. The couple of times that he has asked me to go out and have a drink with a good friend, it has ended up that he has lied to me both times. The last time, he ended up very drunk and at a strip club (which I would have had no issues with if he would have been honest). I feel like every time he wants to have a drink with a friend, he is lying and wants to snoop around. I do not trust him at ALL. I wish I did. My question is: What do I do to learn to trust him? Is it common for this behavior to continue and never stop? But if we break up, we still work together and live together at this moment. What would be likely to produce the best outcome?? Please help!! 

A: To be very direct, I think your relationship is doomed. Trust forms the foundation of intimate relationships and you and your boyfriend have never established it in the first place. You can’t get something back that you have never had. I would suggest that you cut your losses, learn from your mistakes and move on. 

It is complicated by the fact that you live and work together, but not nearly as complicated as it would be if you were married, had children, owned a home together, etc. In my opinion it will be much easier to find alternative living arrangements and navigate boundaries of a professional relationship than it will be to heal from the damage that has already been done to your personal relationship. You may even discover that you no longer wish to work together and that may be a necessary sacrifice for your freedom. 

If you can’t bring yourself to just break it off, I’d say finding a couple’s therapist is a must.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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I Don’t Know What I Feel for Her

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I am a high school teenager and I have been seeing my girlfriend for 3 months. She is 17 years old, white, and from a modest household. I am 16 years old, Hispanic, and from a poorer household. We have been dating for almost 3 months now and up to about 2 weeks ago; she was everything I could ever want in a girl. But now when I am around her I don’t feel like the way I did before. We are both abstinent and have agreed to wait until after marriage. We have had fights before, but we always got through them and gotten through it together. She told me everything about her past and I found that the more I saw, the less I liked. I always start thinking how she is not the kind of girl I would have wanted to be with. But then I find myself saying,” What was I thinking? I don’t want to lose her.” This cycle has been going on for a while. I know I’m just a teenager and these things usually don’t last, but it’s been a long time since I had a relationship, because I don’t date unless it’s for a serious relationship, since I don’t believe in pre-marital sex. I admit it has gotten difficult with my girlfriend, for both of us, but we always resist because we know the consequences and because of my religious beliefs. She is a smart, pretty, rather strange, tomboyish girl. I don’t like the girly girl types and she is just as weird as I am, that’s why we get along so well. I originally became interested in her because I had been rejected b another girl. I planned on using her to get over the other girl, but then I actually started to fall for her. Then I fell in love with her, all I wanted was to make her happy and smile. But now every time we are apart I feel like I have to end it with her. She says I am her dream guy, but she is nowhere near my dream-girl, yet she is everything I could ever want. It makes little sense, but I’ll try to explain. She is not the kind of girl I envisioned to be my perfect match, but she still the qualities I want in a girl: Hardworking, intelligent, independent, happy, unintimidating, and sexy. I don’t know if I should end this or stay with her and see if my feelings change. I don’t know how I could ever leave her, I don’t want to.

Your thoughtful letter is very powerful to read. I don’t want this to sound lame, but I am sure it will. The quality of your thinking and the degree to which you are challenging your thought process, the relationship, and your future is extraordinary. It alone is where the value is. When you think about it isn’t that what most relationships lack? Honest evaluation, contemplation, discussion and integrity. You are doing the very thing required in any valuable relationship. You are thinking through what is not only best for your, but where the relationship is in both of your development.

I would not change a thing.

Stick with your thoughts, be honest with her, and learn from your relationship. If it is going to work our these are the traits that will be needed to make it grow. If it is destined not to work you will carry forward your learning into the next relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Boyfriend Has a Strange Relationship with His Mother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From S. Africa: I have been in a serious relationship with this guy for 2 years now. He is 28 and I am 29. He is Spanish and I am Zimbabwean. We met while working in South Africa where we both currently reside. As far as our relationship goes, we get along quite well but he has such an unhealthy relationship with his mother. The more I get to know him the more I see it and it scares me.

My first impression was that maybe it was a cultural influence. Most African cultures encourage independence especially in males. By the time a boy is 18 he is somewhat an adult and is expected to behave like one. My first encounter with this mother was overwhelming. She is a nice person and we get along but she still treats my boyfriend like he is 6years old and what bothers me is that he allows it. She shows up on some of our dates and she is not there physically she is texting. When I ask my boyfriend to please put the phone away he would make an excuse that his mother doesn’t know the food we are eating, take a send a picture of our dishes to her.

Being in South Africa and his parents in Spain means Skype everyday for my boyfriend. I feel this is too much. I have asked him if he can tone it down a little bit and he has been offended by this saying he is close to his mum and she would get worried if he missed a skype date. Which is shockingly true because she texts me on my phone to ask why his son isn’t online when she expects him to be. My boyfriend normally drops whatever he is doing to go skype with his mum no matter how urgent it was for me or us. She always come first. I again confronted him about this and he went from simply going online to asking for my permission each time before going online.

Recently his parents have been having marital problems. Resulting in his mum sharing intimate details of their relationship with my boyfriend and his younger brother. I thought this to be absolutely revolting. This has driven a wedge between my boyfriend and his father. They hardly speak. I have tried go make him see that he has to remain impartial and treat his parents equally but to no avail. He takes his mum’s side all the time. Now that she is depressed our relationship feels like a threesome. She is always in the picture, we can’t get a moment to just be the two of us. She is always texting, even gets my boyfriend to skype from work which I feel is inappropriate. I work late on most days and whe I get home nothing is done, no help whatsoever with the housework or simple dinner because my boyfriend is on skype with his mum. Please note that he comes home at least 3hours before me on a normal day.

Then the last straw. Recently I asked him to check the civil registration process in Spain in case we decided to get married. Just to know what documents we needed and how long it would take. He couldn’t do that on his own. His mother went with him!!! Putting it into context, in December he had a cold and needed to go for medication at the local clinic, his mum took him to the clinic!!! At 28. I expressed my opinion on the matter and he insisted that it was normal in Spain for adults to be accompanied to tbe clinic by their parents!! Hmm I am yet to go to the clinic and see for myself.

No matter how much I express my concerns things seem to get better the worse than before in a short space of time. Am I being paranoid? Is this normal at some social level I don’t know of?

No, you’re not being paranoid. The most important relationship to your boyfriend and his mother is with each other. Boundaries have become blurred to an unhealthy extent. She should not be complaining to her children about her spouse. Your boyfriend should not be asked to take sides. He has two parents who will continue to be his parents regardless of whether they stay married. He deserves to have a relationship with his dad.

Further, it is disrespectful of you when your boyfriend texts and Skypes his mother when he is with you. He has plenty of time to connect with her if he must before you get home.

He may be wonderful in lots of ways, but bear in mind that what you see is what you get. If you marry him, you are also marrying his mom. If he has to chose between spending time with you and talking to his mother, he will put his mother first.

I think you should take a huge step back and ask yourself if the other wonderful things about him are worth being his cook and housekeeper and tolerating this unusual enmeshed relationship he has with his mother. At the same time, your boyfriend should think about whether losing you is worth staying so intimately connected to mom. I can’t answer that question for either of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Am I Unable to Hold Relationships?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So I’ve only had a few boyfriends in the past and what happened with one was that we got together as soon as I turned 17 so that it would be legal, he was 25, but then I stopped talking to him immediately because I didn’t want my parents to know and I told him it was because he was older and because he worked with me but really I just don’t like my family knowing I do anything even if its as little as talking to my friend on the phone and also because of his age but mostly because my family knowing didn’t sit well with me. We were dating in secret because then he got promoted to manager and then I didn’t want anyone to know but he didn’t know how to keep secrets and told my friend who we worked with and I just got so unreasonably mad at him. I also felt like he didn’t actually like me because we only ever hung out in his room and just our entire relationship changed as soon as I turned 17 and I didn’t know what I was doing or what he wanted from me and his family hated me because I didn’t say hi to them once in the supermarket but I didn’t see them!So I didn’t want to see his family and I didn’t want my family to know that I was even seeing anyone. Just being with him and any guy for that matter just makes me feel so bad about myself and families always hate me so I get scared to see them and pretty much I end up breaking up with everyone i got out with. just every time I even like a guy I find that I just start hating myself more than usual and I start going on diets and use more makeup so that I don’t look like a complete slob. But then at the same time I have trouble actually talking to other people unless they are the ones coming up to me to talk and even then I think through every response and think about whether I’ll be embarrassing myself or not. Just why do I have so many problems with maintaining a relationship because as soon as anything serious happens I drop everything without thought.

I wouldn’t be so worried about this just yet. It sounds to me like you’re just learning about relationships and how you feel when you’re with somebody. That part is very normal. The fact that you can notice a pattern is good because it gives you the opportunity for control. Since you are just starting college you are going to be with many other young adults in the same boat. Stay mindful of how you feel in the presence of others as you continue to date. What you’re going through sounds very normal, and I wouldn’t label it as pathological.

If after this freshman year you were still unhappy with relationships, I recommend talking to the people at the university counseling center. They can be very helpful and working with you to sort this through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Got Tricked into Sex Work, Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with my best friend for five years. We are a great fit in all ways, but he frequently questions my integrity and his self-worth.
A few years ago, I took a high paying job as a personal assistant. We were living in a bad neighborhood and I jumped at the opportunity to make more money- without questioning the logistics. It ended up being a personal assistant to a pimp, arranging dates, managing money, and sending out ads for the girls. We talked about what my job would entail, and he was not happy with it, but agreed that we needed the money and it wouldn’t be forever.
A few months after I started, my boss forced me to do something not in my job description. In the situation, I feared for my life, so I obliged.
I didn’t show up for my shift the next day, hoping it would all just go away and I could find a different job quickly. I started receiving threatening phone calls. My boss demanded all the money he had paid me back ($20,000). He had a copy of my ID and social from the hiring process. He made it very clear that my life was in his hands.
I worked as a sex worker for a year and a half to pay him back in full. During that time, my boyfriend found out about it and understandably flipped out. Our marriage plans went out the window, I was forced out of our friend group, and was left to deal with the aftermath alone.
That was two years ago, and we are in a much better place now. But for him, marriage still isn’t on the table and his friends haven’t welcomed me back. He says that he often blames himself for not figuring it out sooner, and blames me for not coming to him for help. I try to explain to him that I was scared to involve anyone else for fear of what would happen to them, but he just doesn’t understand why I didn’t go to the cops. I’m afraid this occurrence will always be a stain on my relationship resume with him, and that he will only see his pain of feeling betrayed and cheated on, when that was not my intention. Can we work towards forgiveness? Or am I wasting my time? (From the USA)

There are several layers here, and I am very appreciative of your courage and resilience in discussing the issues. What is clear is that this isn’t a situation you alone got yourself into. Your boyfriend was very much part of the process and dynamics that got you into the dilemma in the first place. This wasn’t something you did on your own to benefit yourself.

There are three important questions here that you need to answer for yourself. First, is marriage what you want? Are you looking for that in your life at this time or is this relationship good enough for now. In other words, does the relationship you have with your boyfriend meet enough of your needs for now. If marriage is no longer a big deal for you then this might be okay enough.

Does your boyfriend’s unforgiveness knock him out of the running for a good long term partner? If you do want to get married does it feel as if your partner won’t be able to get over this? If marriage is what you want then let him know this in no uncertain terms. If he can’t forgive you and will hold resentment toward you then it is not worth going forward. He may feel that if he forgives you that he will lose his friends, or that he is settling rather than working through. But if he can’t get past this and you want to get married then you’ll have to let him know the relationship can’t go forward. In these terms, he can’t give you what you want and need.

Finally, I’d encourage you both to read this book Forgive For Good, and find a workshop specifically focused on forgiveness. In addition, you may want to find a couple’s counselor who can help the two of you work together on this.

There are two elements of forgiveness. There is forgiveness of the other and unforgiveness. The unforgiveness has little to do with the situation or another person. It has to do with the feelings you have that negatively ruminate about the situation. People can be unforgiving about someone who has passed on — or a situation that is long since dissolved but the bitterness remains.

Perhaps is a good place to start because your unforgiveness of yourself and your boyfriends lack of concern for you during that time may be beneath the whole situation. One way to break this cycle of unforgiveness is with self-compassion. As it’s essence self-compassion is being able to treat yourself like a good friend would treat you. Nurturing yourself in this way can ease the discomfort of the past — while setting the stage for not only being more tolerant of yourself and your boyfriend. Obviously, this works best when both of you work at this level.

Here is a brief video on self-compassion you may find interesting to help you connect with that part of yours or that needs nurturing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Girlfriend Hates Herself and Can’t Move on from Her Ex

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Indonesia: Hi, I have been together with my girlfriend for over than 2 years. And now we were in long distance relationship. It has never been an issue for us because we trust and love each other.

I met her when she and I were single, she is my first girlfriend, and I am her second. Later she told me that her ex was treating her so bad, and in the end my girlfriend decided to leave her in “bleeding heart.” A year after or so, she met me.

Now after 2 years her ex came back and lives near her and wants to apologize to her.

I feel jealous, but then I trust her to finish her business while she’s still telling me a story about it.

I was okay and hoping they could be friends. But one day after she and her ex going to sort things out away, my girlfriend backing herself off.

I was confused, and I asked her what is the reason. She kept shutting herself down until one day she asked for breaking up. Because she feels she is being unfair to both of me and her ex. She said she could not move on completely from her, and that makes her feel unworthy of my love. And she loves me a lot also, that she could not even have the heart to be back completely with her ex.

Now I’m confused, I want to support her and stay with her because she is so important to me, and I love her. She is so depressed by the fact that she could not decide her heart right away… She even started to hate herself. It seems like she is in shock about the fact that she could love 2 persons at the same time. I don’t even know what kind of love splitted that way, and I don’t know how to react. I know she loves me deeply, but the fact that she could not move on from her ex is killing her.

Could you please help me? What and how should I do something as her current girlfriend who loves and care for her. I can’t see her break down like this.

I am so sorry that you and your girlfriend are going through this difficult time. But I would completely honor the fact that she is confused and is not position to make a full commitment. I wouldn’t try to change her mind about this — or overextend yourself. I would negotiate very brief amount of time for her to make a decision after which you should move on. Maybe 30 or 60 days but certainly not much more than that. Give her a very short time to sort through these issues but make it clear that you are giving her this time and space, but you’re looking for a committed relationship. If she can’t make that commitment to you — you’ll want to find someone who can.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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When Is It Love?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the UK: Hi, I moved to London from Berlin 9 months ago because I was bored in my old life and like London better than Berlin. In my new job, I’ve been feeling very attracted to a colleague which I told him after 5 months of low-key flirting in the office. We talked a lot that night. He said he doesn’t want a relationship since we’re too different in his opinion (and that’s probably true).

I was hoping he would change his mind and we had a one-night stand even though he tried to talk me out of it first because he knew I feel more and didn’t want to hurt me. After not really talking much in the next two months afterwards (he was reserved) he suddenly started flirting with me again, wanted sex. I had been thinking a lot about him, still being very distracted at work. He wasn’t aware how draining the situation had been for me and after explaining to him how hurt I was and that I can’t sleep with him again I suddenly changed my mind because I see him at work anyway and thought we could then at least enjoy the sex.

It’s been six weeks now that we’ve spent quite a lot of time together, during lunch breaks and especially on weekends. I’ve been going through a rough time (stress at work, with my flatmates and frequently getting ill due to all that stress) and he’s always been there for me, made an effort to see me. He messages me every day and cares a lot about me but sometimes he’s a bit more withdrawn. He said he’s sometimes confused and doesn’t know what he wants but doesn’t want to hurt me.

I realised how deep my feelings are for him, how much I want him to be happy and said to him I love him which he couldn’t return (and I knew that but said it anyway).A few days ago I had lots of stress at work and I became very anxious. My performance is suffering from my thoughts about him so we had a chat and he said he likes me a lot and has some feelings for me plus feels very attracted to me BUT hasn’t fallen in love with me. It doesn’t make sense to me because for me this is all connected. How is that possible?

Thank you for writing. This sounds very painful. But it also sounds to me like he just isn’t into you the way you want him to be. He sounds like a decent guy who has tried to be helpful but who has also been clear from the start that he doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere.

I have a guess that transplanting yourself to a new country and a new job has been more stressful than you want to admit to yourself. You mentioned that you have had some difficulties with flatmates and on the job. Focusing on this relationship does let you distance yourself from the many ways the move has been difficult. Adapting to all the the cultural differences, and being lonely while finding new friends, is challenging to anyone who is starting a new life in a new place.

I think you should take a big step back from this relationship. Accept it for what it is — a good and supportive friendship. Stop having sex with this guy because it confuses you. Instead, do the personal work you need to do to adjust to your new situation.

Make friends. Figure out how to get along with your flatmates or make a change in your living situation. Work hard on the job. Get involved in some activity or sport where you will meet people who share your interests. Most important, make yourself available for someone who can return your love as you want and deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Help with Unhealthy Relationship with Therapist

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

current_problem: I am very concerned about my boyfriend’s relationship with his therapist. He has OCD and trouble with decisions and anxiety. She sees him 1-2 times a week, anywhere from 1 to 3 hours per session.

Previously, he was in a 12 year abusive relationship. His current therapist (who he has been seeing for 18 months) helped him escape this bad relationship. He is now very loyal to her.

We have been dating for 12 months.

I am codependent, getting treatment, and going to meetings.

Every problem between us which arises, every fight, is interpreted by his therapist as me emotionally abusing and manipulating him. (I called him a bad name once in the heat of a fight, a codependent rage, and made several disparaging comments to him over the course of our relationship).

But she refuses to allow us to go to couples counseling, saying that she won’t treat him if we go see someone. She has diagnosed me as abusive, though she has never met me nor asked to meet me.

She has asked for my therapist’s name and number to talk with her however. My therapist, who I trust, is concerned about the ethics of the other therapist and refuses to engage.

Over the past month, things have been going very well, due to my progress in my CODA treatment.

My boyfriend, however, is very stressed about his work and new home. His therapist, in response, said that emotional manipulation could be contributing to his stress and advised him to read a book about emotional manipulation while he was on vacation with me. I was very hurt that he would bring this book on a special romantic getaway.

He apologized for the book but then asked if I would sign a waiver agreeing not to press charges if he should accidentally punch me in his sleep. I asked if he was threatening me, he said no. His therapist said that she was worried that, under the stress of our relationship, (he was violent in his sleep with his abusive girlfriend before) that he would sleep-hit me, I would call the cops, and he would go to jail!

He doesn’t think I’m abusive, loves me, wants to have a life with me etc.

Is it appropriate for a therapist to have this much control over their client and plant crazy ideas in the head of someone with OCD?

What you say in your letter does concern me. Professionals don’t offer diagnoses on the basis of a third party report. Most would welcome your involvement or would refer the two of you to a couples’ therapist. I’m especially concerned about the frequency and length of his sessions, which is highly unusual. It’s unlikely insurance would pay for it at the usual and customary rate. People who need that level of support are often referred to an in-patient stay.

On the other hand, it occurs to me that the only information you have about the therapist’s behavior and even the frequency and length of sessions is from your boyfriend. Is it possible that he is exaggerating or lying about his therapist’s involvement for his own purposes?

Before concluding that the therapist is too controlling, please do have a very honest conversation with the boyfriend. If you remain concerned about the therapist’s ethics, then contact your state’s board of registration to make a complaint. Your therapist can help you find the contact information.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Best Friend Says We Can’t Be Friends Anymore

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Fiji: My best friend and I always fight and she finally said we can’t be friends anymore. Please don’t see this as a teenage problem. I sent her many messages and she did not respond. I told her I was hurting a lot, she didn’t bother.

I have really broken down. It was around this time last year when I broke up with my boyfriend because he cheated on me. We had a five-year relationship and he had been cheating since 5 years. When I was in Form seven, my then best friend also distanced away and years later, she came to me saying sorry and that she had done that on purpose. I was very broken.

Now my best friend whom I got very close to has left me. I cry all the time.I trusted her very much. Right now I am at work and I feel the pain as I am working. Like all the blame is on me. I haven’t talked to anyone, I feel completely alone.

I am a journalism graduate and currently working. But working here is also a problem as they are a little bit racist and I want to move out of here.

I miss my best friend but she doesn’t seem to care one bit.The thing is, I love her like my sister, I am very attached. All communication is cut. She always cuts off communication whenever something happens. I do not know how to cope .This is affecting me, my health and my mental and emotional stability.

I feel very unstable and it’s just affecting my work and everything. I really want to get over it. But more than that, I want to fix this. But it seems she is just annoyed with me. I wanted to go see her, but I decided against it because she has not responded to one message of mine. I am feeling very very hurt and so so alone. I can feel my heart hurt. This was one friendship that I gave my all to. My ALL to. I put in all my effort, always tried to be there but my best friend has always blamed me for whatever happens between us.

This time, she has left and didn’t look back to see how I would be, how I would cope. She knows how close I am to her, yet she just left. Like I am a worthless, crazy loser. I always run after her , trying to seek her out whenever something happens. When she hurts me, and I try to tell her what the issue is, she says I am a drama queen and so many other things.

She has forgotten who I am. Our friendship used to be so pure but now, she thinks so low of me.
Please help me cope.

Please tell me what to do and how to cope. I am sad all the time and I do not know what to do. My family think it’s because I am dissatisfied with my job, and that’s why I am sad all the time. I am probably heading towards depression but I can’t tell anyone.

I am so, so sorry that you are hurting so much. You are wise not to try to chase your former friend. You’ve been hurt enough. You don’t need to put yourself through another rejection,

I’m seeing a pattern in your relationships that may be difficult for you to consider. You seem to repeatedly find yourself in relationships where the other person is emotionally less invested than you are. Your boyfriend cheated. Your Form 7 friend distanced on purpose. This most current friend has blamed you for any problems in the friendship and called you a drama queen.

I don’t think fixing this relationship is wise or healthy. Instead, I strongly urge you to talk with a counselor in order to figure out why you put yourself in relationships where you give more than you get. Unless you do, you are likely to continue to fall for people who will reject you. You deserve better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is It Possible to Continue Relationship After a Suicide Attempt?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: I met the most loving guy 6 months ago through a dating app. He broke up with me a week ago through text saying he “couldn’t do this anymore” and “wanted it over” when he was having a depressed episode, a week after his family had called the psych ward because he was suicidal.

That week I had witnessed him hurt himself and he was suicidal. After he was handcuffed and taken in, he convinced them he wouldn’t hurt himself and the next day he sought a psych eval that showed major depression and PTSD, but he needed further evaluation to rule out bipolar disorder due to familial history.  He was very angry and aggravated that he couldn’t get help, argumentative at times and would blame me for fighting.

Lately, in the past 2 months, he had become distant and wanted to be alone, avoiding spending time with me. He was usually busy working or wanted to spend time with friends. In the beginning, he was very interested and by the 2nd week we had 7 dates and he met my family. He had been married twice before but wanted to have a committed, exclusive relationship. He made me feel loved before I told him on the 3rd week and then he told me the next week after.

We each have a son and would spend time together with the boys. My friends and family were very happy for us and approved. Earlier on I knew about his self-harm because he told me and I could see scars on his face. Communication was difficult at times since he has a hearing disability and during the 2nd month, he thought I broke up with him and we got back together 12 hours later. I had witnessed some PTSD episodes that he attributed to childhood abuse but never actually saw the self-harm till 2 weeks ago. He had mentioned that he felt pressured at times and that I was insecure.

We both love each other and wanted to be in the relationship 3 weeks ago. I am very hurt with how he ended it but confused as we are still friends on Facebook and he hasn’t deleted our pictures and posts. I still have belongings at his place and he hasn’t asked me to get them. I have given him space and only reached out twice to check on him and let him know that I am here for him. I really care about him and loved him. Do we have a chance to get back together?

There’s always “a chance” but in this case it’s really up to him. He has long-standing issues that need to be addressed before he can maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. Two of his marriages have fallen apart — probably due to inadequate treatment.

I don’t doubt that he has feelings for you. I do doubt that he can sustain a loving relationship when he is so distressed himself.

You’ve only known this man for 6 months and things already were shaky by month 2, and again at month 5. I’m sure he has many fine qualities or you wouldn’t be interested in him. But for your own mental health, I do think you should take a big step back. Block the FB. Get your stuff or abandon it. As lovely as he may be, he has too much personal work to do to be a consistent and loving partner for you at this time. To try to make a solid relationship with him now will be disappointing and frustrating.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

I Scare Women Away

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a U.S. soldier: First off… I would specifically like this question to be answered by a woman, if possible. I am 34 years old, and have been struggling with a mental thought for years now (since I was 15). It drains me of my self esteem, it causes me to breath heavily when I encounter it, I’m afraid to travel, or even go on vacation. It’s my encounter with women.

I always seem to get either a horrible beastly face, or like they purposely look away from me. Its worst when there are a group of them. Im not an ugly man, in fact I am pretty hansome, and a beautiful body. Im married to a very beautiful woman who tells me almost everyday that I’m beautiful, but I still struggle with this, because I’ve travelled all over the world, and I get the same reaction from women.

Can you please once and for all, explain this for me, or even give me some exercises to overcome this, as Im tired of living like this. I need freedom from this, it is really starting to drain me.

Have you ever heard the expression “You get what you expect”? I have a guess that is what’s going on here. It’s impossible to know when this started or why. But I think you may have run into a couple of tactless women who weren’t interested in you and then you developed an idea that you aren’t attractive. The cause is now lost in the mists of the past. But that cause, whatever it was, doesn’t have to inform the future.

First. Listen to your wife. Hers is the only female opinion that matters anyway. She thinks you are beautiful inside and out. Please take a hard look at why you find it necessary to be attractive to other women when the woman you love thinks you’re the best thing going.

That being said: If you need to feel like you can attract women in order to feel good about yourself, here are a few surefire steps:

  1. Observe people who seem to be what you want to be. Note how they stand and move, what they talk about, their facial expressions, and generally how they make themselves approachable.
  2. Copy them. That’s right — be a copycat. Imitation is a form of flattery. It’s also a way to “try on” different behaviors. Try it and see whether being more approachable is really what you want.
  3. Practice makes permanent. Practice those skills at least a couple of times a day. At first it will feel artificial but you will get the hang of it.

Please — Be careful about what you wish for. Think about what you will do if a woman responds to your new persona. Take care of your marriage.

Frankly, I think there are better attributes to hang your self-esteem on — like being kind, honest, a good husband and father, and a positive member of your community. Beauty is, after all, only skin deep.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What Do I Do ?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

It all started when I started dating him. I didn’t tell my parents that I was dating because I was afraid they would say no and not let me date. So I had to date him behind their backs. During spring break I would go to his house often without my parents ever knowing and we got intimate but never passed the line. Then school started again and I would try to go to his house on the weekends telling my parents that I wanted to go to a friend’s house. One day a couple of my parents church friends spotted me going into his house and told my parents. My parents confronted me and said everything was going to change. They were going to take my phone away, ground me and they weren’t going to let me see him again so I ran away and when I told him about it he thought I was crazy. I know it was a bad idea but I just wanted to get away from everything. That same day I came back home to pick up my stuff but my parents wouldn’t let me leave and called the cops. My parents then changed their mind saying I could keep my phone and that I could date him. So I told him that I think he should meet my parents and he said okay but he sort freaked out when I told him to meet them the next day. The next day came and I told my parents I wanted to go to his house but they said no way it’s not right for a Christian girl to go to the guys house and then they said tell him to come over here but I was like no way because this house is too embarrassing to even bring any of my friends over. When I told them that I don’t want to live here anymore and live by their rules they said to leave this house then and I was like but you didn’t let me go when I had the chance and then they were like go ask your boyfriend if you could live with him and his parents and if they say yes then we’ll let you go. So I asked him but he thought I was crazy and then he said it would be best if we were just friends. After that I spend the half day crying. When school began again he acted like everything was normal and he started to flirt with me and then he said you can move in with me but I told him to stop because I knew he was joking. Then everyday afterschool he always tried to get me to sit with him on the bus and so I did and he would try to kiss me and etc. but I would try to stop him and tell him that we’re just friends. But eventually we started to talk again. After school was over we both knew it wouldn’t be easy to see each other again so one night I snuck out to meet up with him at his house and I was actually happy. I came back home and no one suspected a thing. The next week I tried to sneak out again but this time I got caught and my parents took my phone away. I had such a horrible feeling inside of me because I thought I would never see him again. Anyways days passed and my parents trust in me is gone. I told them I don’t want to be a part of their stupid religion that doesn’t even let me celebrate any holiday or my own birthday and only brings embarrassment to me and they said that as long as I live under their roof I have to keep going to this church. I’m really tired of this religion because it’s the reason I have little freedom and have to hide things behind their back because they won’t accept it. As I keep talking to him he said that he’ll get his own apartment soon and that I could live with him when I turn 18 or when my parents let me. I still talk to him but he seems to be more distant since my dad has trust issues with me and takes my phone away from me often. I just want to get a job already and get emancipated because everything would be normal if it wasn’t for this religion. I wish I could open up to my parents more and tell them everything and how I feel but every time I try it just seems that they don’t want to compromise. I don’t know what to do anymore I would be more detailed but this all I can think and write about now. What should I do?

Thank you for writing your thoughts and feelings with a clear explanation of the issue. I think the short-term approach is to find a counselor you can begin talking to about all these concerns and think that will be very important. Since you are 15 and are still in school you may want to talk to the guidance counselor about these issues and see if he or she can arrange for you to talk to someone on a regular basis about the concerns you have.

The issues you are having are very typical for your age. The embarrassment and restriction you feel from your parents’ religious beliefs seems to have heightened this struggle. The long-term goal is to invest in your own future and plan for being more independent and self-reliant. In other words, see your graduation from high school as a time where you can be more independent and on your own.

Finding someone to talk with now and planning for your future are essential.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Girlfriend’s Sister Hates Me and So Does Her Mother

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, so I had been dating my girlfriend for about 3 years now. I met her back in 2017, and since then I had gotten really close with her youngest sister and some of her other siblings. I saw my girlfriend’s youngest sister, as a sister and she would call me her sister-in-law, we would talk all the time, overall she trusted me and saw me as someone she could go to when she felt upset or needed someone. I was always there and I let her know, and we never had any issues until recently. After almost 3 years dating my girlfriend, I had found out she cheated on me in October of 2019 and I found out months later which was in January of 2020. I had no clue and didn’t find out until one of my good friends messaged me about it. And it completely broke me down and her youngest sister was there for me. But then soon after said that I should get over it and told me no one cared to be involved in my drama. I was in shock and couldn’t believe what she had told me, soon after we talked and we were cool. Meanwhile, with my relationship I ended up deciding that I was to work it out with my girlfriend, it is complicated and I’m still healing but we talked and I came up with the decision to make our relationship work. My girlfriend never told anything to her sister and until I started being around more, going over their house. This is up until now that I decided to make it work, and all of the sudden in February about a month after trying to work things out she blocked me off everything. Of course, I confronted her about it and she texted me saying she didn’t like me anymore, claiming I damage her sister. She claimed I was always with her sister and I would always happen to show up. She later claimed that I am using her for money because before she claimed I told her that I hated her sister for cheating and now that her sister had money, we were back together. (In the midst of me and my girlfriend working things out, she had received money from her taxes). I think what she has been saying about me is completely untrue, help! (From the USA)

I can deeply appreciate your pain and the struggle in your current situation. I want to challenge several things about the choice to return to your girlfriend and what is happening with her sister. I want to highlight the use of your pronoun when discussing how you were going to heal with your girlfriend. You said: “…I decided to make it work…” This is very telling because you didn’t say “we”. Nowhere in your discussion of these events do you speak about what your girlfriend has said done or promised to do to make things better. If you thought it was only your decision that would make the relationship better, the effort was not destined to succeed.

From what you’ve explained your girlfriend betrayed you, kept secrets, and then falsely accused you in a few different ways. Her sister also seems to be lying and making up stories as well. My question is: are either of these relationships worth your time and effort? Why would you want to make something work that seems so deeply flawed, convoluted, judgmental, accusatory, and inaccurate?

Whatever your girlfriend’s reason was for cheating what she didn’t do was be honest with you. Whatever her sister said or did was either a lie or misinterpreted. Either way, you are not going to be in a position to change this situation, and, quite frankly, it is hard to imagine why you would want to. What is happening with your former girlfriend and her sister seems to have little to do with what you know to be true. It is time to unhook from this family, learn what you can from this situation, and find a relationship with someone who will treat you better. You deserve it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Move on from the Man Who Has Moved on from Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in Canada:  We dated for 2 years, lived together and were really in love. I had problems moving to a new city a lot of things happened and I was unhappy with anxiety. It was too much on him and we broke up. We tried again but he would be hot and cold.. one moment he would say he was committed to trying and the next I wasn’t right for him. He said he still loves me and he can’t.

We are still friends but it is hard. He slept with someone for the first time since we officially broke up 8 months ago and we are both trying to date.  But I want to be with him and I can’t seem to let go of hope even though he is trying to move on from me and wants to move on from me. How do I stop and just move on from him. I love him so much and he is all I want. We have a lot of good but also he feels we have different ways of dealing with adversity. He thinks I am amazing, out communication has greatly improved since we broke up but he can’t be with me and I struggle to let it go. He once said we had real love and now he is hot and cold or just distant from me but very sweet and fun in person.

I’m so very sorry that you are hurting. Breaking up with someone we love is one of the hardest things to do. But please take this man at his word. He is doing his best to let you down without devastating you. He is clearly not willing or able to pursue the kind of relationship you want. Ironically, it would be easier on you if he wasn’t so supportive of you. His kind words give you hope.

I wonder if you are holding on because you are still dealing with anxiety about where you are living and the things you said were happening. The relationship probably helped you cope. Now you are called upon to not lean on him but to figure out how to manage on your own.

You are not at all alone in your anxiety. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting about 40 million adults. The good news is that it is treatable.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been found to be a very effective form of talk therapy. Often this is supplemented by some medication and coaching in some kind of mindfulness technique.

At this point, it’s a mistake to try to get the guy to change his mind. You need to focus on changing your response to difficulty. If you could do that on your own, I think you would have done so already. For that reason, I encourage you to find a therapist who can provide you with the support and unconditional acceptance that your former boyfriend can’t.

I wish you well,

Dr. Marie

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My Girlfriend Can’t Accept My Sexual Past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Santo Domingo: I’m currently dating a woman that i have known for about 3 years now, 2 from which she was in a relationship with another woman. We dated before she was with her previous partner but at the time it didn’t work out.

I decided to keep being friends but sometimes i am afraid that from my end i never really saw her as a friend but as the person I actually want to be with and couldn’t. over the course of her relationship I dated other people and had a couple of casual sexual encounters, ultimately none of the relationships worked.

Her relationship ended and after a while we started. It wasn’t with the intention of hiding it was more leaned towards the fact that i didn’t want to discuss her relationship and i thought that bringing the subject of my current relationships would have brought a subject that i wasn’t sure if i could handle. I regret not being honest about what was really going on i never lied about it either she knew the amount (10) but she didn’t know the time frame and circumstances of how they happened.

We started dating and were ok, but then she started wondering about specifics, she found some old texts in my phone they were from 5 months before we started in which she saw the way i described other relationships to a friend, i never meant to keep it a secret but at this point she was already upset just with the number and i didn’t think bringing up the details would help, she cant let it go but still tries to be with me.

Problem is she constantly gets upset just by remembering it (she explicitly says its not about the hiding its about the amount)
” you just used to be with anyone” is one of the most used phrases. I love her but i don’t like to be judged by things I did before I was with her and while she was in a relationship of her own. i want to know if there’s anything i can do to make it work. There are way more details to the story if any other information can shed some more light to the matter please let me know.

Once people are adults, part of dating is learning to accept that most people do have a romantic and sexual past. She has had other partners. You have had more. If she wants to be with you, she needs to find a way to focus on the present and to celebrate that you, after so much experience, choose to be with her. You can’t do that for her. All you can do is repeat that yes, you’ve been with others, but you want to be with her now and give her all the reasons why she is special. Then it is up to her.

One other thought: It may be that she worries that you give up on relationships too easily. Ten past relationships at your age is unusual. She may need reassurance that you are willing and able to work on a relationship if things get a little rough between you — not just walk away. I hope that’s the truth. Every relationship goes through some difficult times. If you are committed to this relationship in ways that you were not in prior ones, you need to find a way to tell her so that she can believe.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Relationships: Trust vs Boundaries Respect and Understanding vs Dismissal

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My girlfriend and I grew into a relationship that is very valued. I found us important and I believe she does as well. We both realized we had past relationships, but she mentioned that she had one that was a friends with benefits relationship. His name came up a few times. I found that she used to work with this guy and they remained friends. Up until right about here, I was not thinking much of anything about it. When I mentioned something about a “named guy” having a past with her and they still being friends, she replied “yeah, and I STILL friends with him…” (maybe red flag?). Anyways as time went on, there were get togethers at first with out me…then I asked if I could come to one where he’d be there. I went, and I really just got an entirely bad vibe. Long drawn out hugs followed by “I miss yous…”. I tried my best to voice my discomfort with the situation, but she was very defensive and dismissive, saying I have nothing to worry about and that it was just sex…(more than a few times). Needless to say, it has not been resolved. I feel resentful now of the entire scenario and worse, it seems like this guy just keep “showing up” places where either we or just her and her friends go. I’m losing patients, I don’t want to control her or somehow erase her past. I would like her to understand that I am uncomfortable with the whole thing and it has taken a life of its own in my head now. I can always break up with her to avoid feeling this way, but I love her. I just don’t feel like she cares. The only reason I can think of her dismissing it is because she is ok with it, there is no reason I shouldn’t be. I’m not sure she realizes that being defensive and dismissive makes it seem like there is something going on, or that she is saving. I try to stay calm, but I get very upset about it sometimes. She says she loves me and wants me, but this all makes it seem contradictory.

Overanalyzing something or ruminating about it, is often just a defense mechanism to delay our coming to the truth. You say that you do not want to control her but would just like her to understand that you are uncomfortable with the situation, the one between her and her ex-boyfriend. It appears to me that she already knows how uncomfortable this situation is for you. In all likelihood, she just doesn’t care. If I may quote you, from your last paragraph, “I just don’t feel like she cares.” And neither do I.

You are not the only boyfriend or husband, who would be upset seeing their girlfriend or wife, having frequent, long-lasting hugs with a former sexual partner. Many other men or perhaps even most would be equally upset. They would not be happy and they would find their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior to be unacceptable. Not everyone of course but many, if not most.

It is important in a relationship for both people to love the other equally or as close to equally as is possible. When one person loves the other more, then they become the underdog. The more loved one in the relationship will quickly come to realize their status and recognize that a breakup would hurt their partner more than it would hurt them. Knowing this, many of the more loved will take advantage of the less loved. That is why it is so important to be loved as much as you do love. Then both parties would suffer equal pain as a result of a breakup. As Bonnie Rait pointed out “you can’t make someone love you if they don’t.” You can’t make your girlfriend love you more than she does. It may be time to move on and find that woman who will love you just as much as you love her. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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