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Why Is My Self-Esteem Lower Now that the People Who Used to Put Me Down Are No Longer Around?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 16th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who used to tell me every single day that I am a piece of sh* and I will fail in life, grandparent who used to tell me nobody will ever love me, and a mother who would pass condescending remarks about my looks. I spent year defying their words, in words and in action, not believing them and being filled with anger and feeling of injustice that they talked to me like this. Now my mother constantly tells me how pretty I am, I have managed to get to a place in life that has always been my goal. But with every year my self-esteem is spiraling downwards, the voices that say I will fail and I amount to nothing are haunting me but I can’t find the grit from my teen years to shut them up. I don’t understand, I went through the worst full of pride and feeling of self worth despite all the nasty words and experiences and now I’m where I wanted to be and I’m crumbling under the weight of self-loathing and anxiety. I have visited therapists and can more or less manage and get out of episodes of depression and anxiety (although it takes at least a couple of weeks each time), but they keep coming back and every time another piece of my self-esteem is chipped away for good. Why was I stronger then?

It’s not so much that you were stronger then, it’s just that your mission was clear. You wanted to become the opposite of what they declared your were. I admire the grit you’ve shown — as well as the courage and persistence in correcting the issues from your family of origin. But now it’s time for a different strategy. We can only move away from something for so long before we have to start moving toward something. You have clearly demonstrated that you can be different than what your family told you, but being opposite only identifies you as not what they thought you were. It does not help define your authentic self.

It is time for you to figure out who you are and who you want to be independent of this push from your family of origin. This requires two things. The first is to find a support network to help you with this. Friends are a good place to start, but from a therapeutic point of you may find group therapy a next natural step. In group you’ll have people who will both support and challenge you in fostering your growth.

The second thing is choosing a goal that is not simply different than what your family told you. Find some part of yourself that needs to flourish and grow — and nurture that. Take some time to sample. Figuring out who you are, not just who you’re not, is the work in front of you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know if I’m Being Abused

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 24th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: For half of my life i’ve been living with my mother and my stepfather in one state until we moved down to another recently.

When my mom was with my biological dad, they fought pretty often but I thought nothing of it. My mom and stepdad have the same problem but as I am older i’m beginning to recognize problems in their relationship. Not only that but there are common arguments that happen over and over again, which makes it hard to approach them.

My main problem is that I feel this could be a cause to some emotional distress i’m having. I feel I cannot talk to friends about this because i’ll burden them with my problems. I’ve been trying to do research on it but I can’t validate what i’m feeling.

To describe it, I have common problems of invalidation when doing house tasks and getting put down when i’m not doing my homework which I think some action is reasonable up to a point. But because of that i’m afraid of doing something wrong and have anxiety over tasks i’m assigned to do around the house. I live in an 8 person house so keeping up with the mess is hard to do.

Apart from that, I used to be very afraid or having anxiety of going out with friends mainly because my parents needed me so much at home to babysit and do chores that I felt like I couldn’t go out. This happened also during extra-curricular activities like Theater (staying out till 10 pm for show week) or clubs.

I feel like I can’t approach anyone in my family or friends to help me validate my feelings at all. After moving a few months back, i’ve noticed that I stay inside more than I should and kinda beat myself up over things that I probably shouldn’t be like doing a simple task wrong. This kind of makes me afraid to get a job.

Is there anything I can do or use to help me validate myself with these feelings? My situation feels like it could be way worse considering that I know many situations of others that are worse than mine.

I don’t have enough information to know if you are being “abused”. It does seem that your life is very complicated. You are a responsible and intelligent young man. A household of 8? I gather that there are other kids in the family, which already makes life complicated. And your mom and stepdad aren’t getting along. And you also recently moved. All this adds up to a high score on the stress-o-meter. It makes sense to me that you are feeling less than wonderful.

I suggest you do the best you can to minimize how much you need other people in the family to validate you. It sounds like they themselves are equally stressed. Instead, do what you think is right and best. Then focus on making new friends and connections in your new town. A part time job is one of the best ways to do that. Do the job well and you will also get some of that validation you are looking for. Your involvement with theatre is also a resource for both friendships and validation.

What will not help is staying home and in your room. Isolating may help you avoid some kinds of stress but it creates even more.

If you have difficulty getting motivated to do the things that will help you help yourself, I suggest you talk with the school counselor or find a therapist to provide you with some needed support. If you can’t do that due to cost or privacy issues, consider calling the Boys Town Hotline. Counselors are available 24/7 to talk to teen like you. It is free and confidential. Here’s the website: http://www.boystown.org You can call, chat online or write.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Facial Scars from Car Accident

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. March 10th, 2024
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Back in the summer of 2005 I was in a very bad car accident, I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt so I went flying out the back windshield. It left multiple scars on the side of my face and neck along with my inner bicep. Ever since I’ve had trouble keeping my head up because people are always staring at them and looking at me like I’m some murderer or whatever. Especially in classes in college, everybody sitting to the left of me will just stare at my scars while I’m trying to take notes. My scars interfere with my confidence and self esteem greatly. Moreover, I’m tend to be quiet at times and think negatively as a result. I do have a lot of friends, more than you’re average 19 year old but I don’t like being out with people because people I don’t know just stare.. Can you help me try to get past this? I’d appreciate it greatly, thank you. (age 19, from U.S.)

A: I’m so sorry to hear about your situation but glad that you are still alive to tell your story. I know it sounds cliché, but we all have scars of some sort, some more visible than others.  As we get older, we learn that how we regard ourselves is much more important than what others think of us. Many of us also learn that some of our most painful or challenging life experiences are the very ones we would never choose to erase because they have helped form the foundation of who we are.

Your story reminds me of an inspirational young man whom I read about several years ago, so much so that I looked up an article about him in hopes that it might help you. This young man was born without legs and also received plenty of stares from other people. However, he began taking pictures from his angle and created a photographic memoir about his life. Here is a link to just one story about him: “Born without legs, living with ‘double takes’.”

People will look because they are curious and hopefully empathetic. Some say it is just human nature to be more drawn to tragedy than positive events. You can watch the nightly news to see evidence of this trend.

Rather than being intimidated or embarrassed by their looks, perhaps you could use it as a way to open up conversation with some people you might not have spoken with otherwise.  At some point, you might seek ways to overcome your tragedy by giving back, for example, you might want to get involved in campaigns about the importance of wearing seat belts or speak to a group struggling with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Or, perhaps, you will learn to ignore the scars and the stares, and just go about living your life. If you can’t seem to get past it, especially if it is interfering with your classes, I would suggest speaking with a therapist who can help.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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I Feel as if I Have a Self Esteem Issue

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 13th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’m 21. My reason on writing this is because I Feel I have a self esteem issue and dont know if it’s normal or not?

so I’ve been dating this guy for about two years now. He is a great guy has a kind heart, very sensitive and knows how to be a gentlemen everything you could ask for in someone that you would want to marry one day.

My only issue is that he has a two year old daughter with a previous ex girlfriend. they separated a couple months after the baby was born she moved to another state shortly after. there is hardly any co parenting he does not get chances to see his daughter its a tough situation,

I feel awkward sometimes when discussions about the child is brought up and i’m not sure if I am just jealous that another woman has a piece of him and always will also that I was not the first one to give him something special like his first child maybe I feel as there will always be some type of feelings in both their hearts towards each other

I can see she still has feelings for him from negative stuff she posts on social media towards him and his moving on. We are young I understand nothing is going to go smooth but we are expecting a child now and I catch myself having jealous feelings if the subject is not about our little family. for example if I have to hear about how the mother of his child is not cooperating as a co parent, it seems as if she is brought up often in family discussions as in his mother, sisters in certain subjects not on purpose but only because the child is not present in their lives anymore due to the mother being childish and keeping the child away from him and also his family.

It is tough feelings to deal with I dont know if i am a little jealous and just new to being with someone who has a kid and im just adjusting to it according to my age? but i would like to learn to stop feeling this jealousy of him having another child and being insecure of the mother and just live peacefully and quit over thinking negative and except a mature responsibility.

Thank you for writing. You are asking very important questions. It doesn’t help to call yourself names like “jealous” or “immature”. This is a difficult situation. It is very much to your credit that you are looking for some advice instead of just getting angry.

You are correct that your boyfriend will always have a connection to his ex because of their child. That connection has nothing to do with love for her, but it does have to do with love for his child. I do hope that he will see a lawyer regarding his rights to visitation or joint custody.

This child is part of his life and will, therefore, be part of yours, whether or not she spends time with you. Your boyfriend and his family are grieving the loss of the relationship. It speaks well of them all that they continue to hold that child in their hearts. That doesn’t mean that they won’t also love and cherish your child.

My best suggestion for you is that you support your boyfriend in his efforts to include his child in your family life. Instead of seeing the little girl as a threat, consider that she is part of the man you love. It is not the child’s fault that her mother is posting negative statements. It is not the child’s fault that she can’t see her daddy. She is just a little girl who needs her father’s love. Hopefully, you will get the chance to love her, too.

Encourage your sensitive, kind-hearted man to talk about his feelings. Let him know that you support him in getting time with his daughter and including her in your family. Love is one of those things that only grows the more it is shared.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know If There’s Something Wrong with Me or if I’m Just Paranoid

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 5th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

A lot of things have happened in my life that can be considered life changing problems for others – not me. My parents got divorced, my dad hooked up and got pregnant, I’ve had/still have to deal with my mums illness… so why does none of this bother me until I start thinking? Once I start thinking, I think about every single problem in my life and I cry. I cry myself to sleep. I’ve had thoughts of uselessness and suicide. Don’t worry – I’m way too weak to actually kill my self. I tried cutting… got too scared, failed and gave up. For some reason I like it when I get hurt by accident. I don’t know why but I feel proud even if I have a little paper cut. One time I used a weighted hula hoop and expected to get bruises but when I didn’t, I felt disappointed. Maybe I want the attention? I’m not so sure myself.

Anyway, I also sometimes get really sad for no reason or if there is a reason it’s only minor. When I tried oragami, I couldn’t do part of it and got really frustrated. I felt like destroying what I’d made but just cried instead. If there is no reason for me being sad, I get even more sad for not knowing why I’m sad.

I had a breakdown once when I was on a school holiday and sharing a room with my best friend since forever. I cried for ages and told her everything. When I told her I thought something was wrong with me she told me I was being stupid and I’m probably just overthinking things. I guess she could be right but if so, how do I stop thinking about it? That was last year in July.

I started having bad thoughts about myself in year 6, just under 3 years ago. I blamed the recent breakup in my friendship group and my hormones. My personality changed a lot back then, I would lash out at people… I don’t know why. I lost a good friend because I just constantly argued with her (it was more me having a go at her). So why did I suddenly get so moody and argumentative?

People also describe me as emotionless. I think I am on the outside. I don’t portray my emotions, I just keep it all inside. (From England)

  I am so sorry you are having so many difficulties. But this isn’t paranoia. What I hear is a young woman who is persistently courageous in trying to figure out what is wrong and trying to fix it. At 14 we need someone on your side as it seems your mom and dad haven’t been much help. If I’m wrong about that (and I hope I am) ask one or both of them to take you to a therapist. If that seems too much of a stretch for them to do — or they are unwilling — ask them to take you to a physician because you are not feeling well, which is true. When you talk to the physician ask him or her to help. They can help you understand why your moods fluctuate and what you can do about it.

You need an adult to help you get to the next level so it can be determined what will help. Perhaps a teacher of school guidance counselor can lead you in the right direction. If there is a family member, a grandparent or aunt that could help that would be good. The point is you did a brave thing by reaching out here and I am encouraging raging you to take the next step and reach out for an adult who can help you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Going in circles

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 20th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dear Dr. Marie,
I wrote back in July last year about my recurring depression and
suicidal thoughts. Thank you for your insightful and helpful response.

I did have counselling following my hospitalisation. I continued until
about September last year. I started to feel well about that time, my
energy picked up, I made new friends at work, and had a sense of
achievement and self worth.

I felt very clear about my decision to leave my husband. However it is
almost 2 years since I left him -the mandatory time before one can get
divorced in my country – and my husband is getting quite desperate to
get me back. I’ve become quite stressed by his turning up to see me,
visiting my family and friends, talking in church about me and to anyone
who will listen. He tells the children divorce is wrong, that the bible
says it’s wrong, that divorce means nothing and I’ll always be his wife.
He talks about “all these men” he says I am going out with.

At first it didn’t bother me as I am used to it and expected this but
just lately I’ve been feeling very stressed. My sleep, which has never
recovered since I initially became depressed, is worse, and I have that
terrible tiredness back. I really don’t want to go to work but I know I
need to both financially and for my psychological well being. However, I
do find shift work very tiring. I feel like I’m getting run down but I
don’t know how to manage my stress.

I’ve found myself doubting my perspective of how things were in the
marriage and going around the same circle again of should I give him
another chance. I really want to resolve this once and for all and his
telling the kids that the divorce means nothing has disheartened me. I
know I can’t go back but I’m not sure why I get confused from time to
time and have to go through a whole lot of turmoil to get to that
conclusion again.

Any ideas on what I can do to feel less stressed would be greatly
appreciated.

Thank you for writing. You’ve already taken an important first step by reaching out for some help. The next step is go back to the therapist who was helpful to you. He or she already knows your story and you’ll be able to pick up where you left off.

Therapy for a significant depression is rarely a one-time episode. Think of it as layers. You got through the most difficult one. Now it’s time to work on the next. You can draw comfort and hope from the fact that you did get better. You will again. This time you didn’t sink as low so it will probably be easier to find your strength again. Your therapist will also be in a position to help you figure out whether there is any reality to your husband’s position and whether the marriage is salvageable.

I do have my doubts. From what you wrote, your husband is not approaching you about what he can do better. Instead, he is blaming you and trying to isolate your from your family and community – and even your God. He’s also putting the children in the painful position of being in the middle of your divorce. If he were serious about making the marriage work, he would be taking some responsibility for the break down of your relationship (both to you and to others) and would be asking to join you in your therapy to do some couples counseling. Most important, he would be considering his children’s need to have two parents they respect instead of trying to get them to take his side.

Meanwhile, I hope you have talked with a lawyer about what your rights are. You may be able to limit your husband’s contact with you and what he can say to the children. I don’t know the laws of your country, though, so I caution you to seek out legal help.

Finally, ask your therapist for a referral to a local support group (or an online group) for women who are having similar difficulties. I think you will find it affirming and helpful to have the support of others who know what you are going through.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Can’t Tell What Is Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 12th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m slowly coming to the realization that there is a greater possibility that I have some mental issues. Most of the time I feel numb – kind of like I’m outside of my own body watching myself do things. This happens a lot when I’m nervous (in any kind of social situation). I’m unhappy and I hate that because I don’t have anything to be unhappy about. I live a blessed life thank God. For that I am eternally grateful, I really am. My life hasn’t even been that hard – the hardest thing I’ve had to go through was just a big move and my crush (,his family) and my own family making fun of me. Its pathetic – extremely pathetic, I’m aware of that. If I could tell you what’s wrong with me I would, believe me, but even I don’t know that. There’s just this extremely unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can’t shake. Not to mention this completely hopeless attitude to life that I can’t change. This looming sense that nothing’s going to work out.

My only goals are to get back home to Canada and to someday get a cat. However, I’m starting to back down from even those. I’m scared to go back home after all these years because obviously, things wont be the same. Its already been so long that I now feel like a foreigner to my country. Both of them actually (Canada and Sudan). I’m rethinking getting a cat because – like most things – cats hate me. I’m so hopeless, lonely and lost it hurts. It actually physically hurts. It’s been 3 years. 3 years of no ambition, of no hope. Honestly if it weren’t for my religion, there’s a large chance I would’ve ended it earlier on. I’m trying to be patient, I feel stupid, embarrassed and stuck up for feeling the way I feel and I just want to get to the bottom of this. Is this anything serious or am I just over exaggerating things?

To answer your question directly, I don’t think you are exaggerating. Your concern about exaggeration might be tied to your belief that it’s “stupid” or “embarrassing” to admit that you have problems. You should never feel “stupid” or “embarrassed” about having problems. Problems are a part of life. It’s important to refrain from inaccurate self-criticism (i.e. calling yourself “stupid”) because thinking affects behavior. If you believe negative things about yourself, then you might falsely conclude that you’re not worthy of help and thus not seek it. You are worthy and deserving of a happy, satisfying life.

The key to psychological health is having good critical thinking skills. These skills are not innate or instinctual. They are learned skills that can be taught in counseling.

I can’t provide a diagnosis over the internet but many of your symptoms might be consistent with depression and anxiety. People with depression often feel hopeless, have an inability to feel pleasure and lack energy. The thought of having to get out of bed can feel overwhelming, both emotionally and physically.

Feeling anxious in social situations might be indicative of an anxiety disorder. It’s common to feel slightly nervous in social situations, but a disorder might be present if social situations cause overwhelming distress and interfere with various aspects of your life.

The good news is that depression and anxiety are highly treatable disorders. Most people gain relief with a combination of medication and counseling. You should meet with a mental health professional who will evaluate your symptoms and determine what might be wrong. Treatment could provide you with a great deal of relief. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Grit and Low Self-Esteem

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 24th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I was wondering if it were possible for people to have a strength called ‘grit’ while also having low self-esteem, and if that is considered rare, or what researchers would identify as an outlier in some studies. If it isn’t rare, then how is this possible?

I grew up with a battery of childhood traumatic experiences, and one of the resulting symptoms include low self-esteem. However, despite my lifelong internalizing adversities related to the traumas I had experienced, I’ve been able to somehow remain positive (at least intellectually, but not always emotionally), goal-oriented, empathetic toward others, a high achiever, etc. Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem have always been there, and it is a daunting, nearly everyday battle. I’ve had a lot of therapy to help me cope over the years, but even before treatment decades ago, I was always gritty. I won awards in college and was told by a few of my professors that I had this thing called ‘grit,’ or was very resilient or strong. I’ve been told by some friends (usually the ones who were safe and not ‘toxic’) that I have a positive and helpful way about me, and that my transparency for being honest and real is very influential.

Still, for as long as I can remember from childhood, I have been able to hold onto my dreams and believe deep inside that I have worth, despite my low self-esteem inside that says that I’m worthless, feelings of inferiority at times, feelings of shame at others, and a deep depression that is still grieving over all the pain from childhood abuse and mirroring/internalizing the abuses that happened to me.

I really believe that my grade school teachers helped me remain somewhat sane, despite my poor grades when I was a child and teen, and despite my having to move and change schools numerous times. I’ve experienced deep depression, and my internal grittiness has not always been externally shown, though cognitively I just knew all along that things would get better, even though inside and outside, for a while in my 20s and 30s, I was deeply depressed while experiencing a lot of flashbacks. I sought help for my depression, but I didn’t think to ever mention the grit that lied underneath, until now. I was wondering if there were others out there like me.

It is absolutely possible to hold onto grit and still have low self esteem. Grit is a measure of someone’s perseverance. Self-esteem is a reflection of how much you like yourself.

You know that you have every reason to like yourself. You’ve demonstrated over and over again that you succeed where others in a similar position might give up. You also are a good friend to your friends. Sadly, you haven’t yet found a way to be a good friend to yourself in spite of years of therapy. Do give yourself credit for being gritty in therapy as well as in your daily life.

I think you are correct to thank your grade school teachers. Abused kids who survive and thrive often find adults who offer them an alternative view of themselves from what they are experiencing at home. I hope you will hold onto the fact that those teachers saw something in you beyond grit. They liked you!

I can’t answer your question about how many people out there are like you. However, you’ve come to the right place. LifeHelper has many online support groups. People in our community regularly connect with each other and share their stories and their support for one another. Click on the “Find Help” tab. Then go to “Forums.” I’m sure you’ll find a welcoming group who can provide you with good information and help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Are Casual Suicidal Thoughts Normal?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 2nd, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Venezuela: So, the thing is… I have occasional suicidal thoughts that kinda have been going on and off since I a child, but since I’ve been more stressed lately they’d become more frequent.

I wasn’t a depressed child (quite the contrary tbh), but I blamed myself for my parents’ constant arguing (I did till the end of middle school) and every time they fought I would wonder/believe if I hadn’t been born they would have been happy without me and I tried to smother myself a couple of time with a pillow and even more rarely would (softly) bang my head against the wall. I was scared to die and pain tbh. But this is as far as “self-harm” (if you even can call it that, that’s as far I ever went).

Since then the suicidal thoughts have been going on and off. I don’t even know when exactly I decided that that one still in-construction building would be the ideal (high enough to low chance of survival with a permanent injury which is what truly terrifies me, far enough to give a chance to regret it on your way there, and deserted enough to be left alone) (though chocking have taking more prevalence recently). At that point, I worried more about the economic consequences of having to pay for a funeral for my family if I died or the case of failing and having to ling with a chronic injury (+ having to pay hospital bill).

The thing is that despite all that It ever felt like an off-handed idea and not something I would ever actually do, but recently the suicidal thought have become more frequent.

And I know(/think?) it has something to do with the fact I’ve been stressed with the University. I feel like my life lack of direction: I not sure of what to do with it. I don’t really know if I like what I’m studying, or what I like at all for that matter. I sometimes feel like a complete failure. I was that “golden child”: good notes, good behavior, promising, but In ever feel comfortable being recognized that way because I was always low-key terrified that someday the would see what is coming to afloat today: That I’m nothing of that. That I never was. I feel like I’m regretting all my life decisions and the what-ifs are becoming more common (yohooo, mid-life crisis at 19. yey).

And I don’t feel depressed in my day-to-day life or hopeless, I’m quite the out-going, cheerful type, but I feel like the days go by in a blur. I don’t know how to express it exactly but is like there nothing noteworthy in them. I can’t even remember 90% of what I cheerfully discuss with people. Everything is just small chit-chat, but if amenable and not bad enough to justify suicidal thoughts. I don’t think I wanna kill myself, but since my life is not getting any direction and things just will be more stress in the future I’m worrying that these “casual” suicidal thoughts will become more frequent, and stop being “casual” but a thing I would rather start considering.

Sorry for the rant: I really don’t know where I’m going with this tbh. I suppose that I just wanted to let it out, at least a little of it. There’s still so much in my head, like for example the feeling that I sometimes don’t know if I genuinely sometimes feel like this or like I’m not quite right; or if I’m just being an edgy attention-craving bitch pushing these feeling onto myself because I want to make something about me noteworthy (Which is funny because this is the first time I put this in to words).

There is also sometimes the feeling that sabotaging myself. Or the feeling that I rarely can get way too hyped/excited and become loud and only loosely in control of my actions/words, that everything goes outta my mouth before it even has the chance of make a stop by the brain station.

Anyway, maybe if just that. That I’m pushing things onto myself and overthinking everything to justify the fact that I sometimes things there is something wrong with me.

Gosh, this “ask” is a mess.

Actually, it’s not a mess. It’s a good reflection of how you are feeling, which is kind of “messy”. A couple of things: First, your feelings as a child during your parents’ fights is very usual. Kids often blame themselves. It is thought that children do this in order to feel like they have some control of the situation. If they are at fault, they think, then all they have to do is be better kids and the parents will stop fighting. That isn’t the case, of course. But lots of kids think that way, at least for a while.

Casual thoughts of suicide are not uncommon at your stage of life. You are confronting lots of big, big questions and what feel like big, big decisions. It is especially common in kids who have been repeatedly told they have “great potential”. At some point, being young with potential runs out and the potential has to be realized. For many young people, that is frightening indeed. For them, thoughts of suicide are not really about wanting to die. But since they can’t find immediate answers or relief from the stress, they think about it as a way out of the situation.

I once knew a group of teens who would say “I want to kill myself” as casually as others talk about the weather. They didn’t want to die. They were expressing how overwhelming or difficult a situation might be, whether it was a major homework paper that was due, trouble with a boyfriend or a car that needed repair. The phrase shocked the adults around them but, for that group, it had become better than 4-letter words to express their frustrations and upsets.

Of course, a much better solution than threatening to jump off a building is to get some therapy if you can or to talk to someone older and wiser. A therapist can help you bring those problems and decisions down to a manageable size and can provide you with needed support while you work on them. If you can’t see a therapist, consider talking with a teacher, coach another adult you know to be a supportive helper for teens.

In the meantime, consider joining one of the forums here at LifeHelper. If you can’t find one you think is appropriate to your situation, form one. The forums are not run by professionals. People like you contribute advice and support for each other as they deal with a common problem.

I wish you well,

Dr. Marie

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I Have an Unattractive Personality But I Like My Personality, Which Is Why I Feel Hopeless

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 19th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 18 and have never had a romantic experience of any sort and never came close to having such an experience either. I know it’s atypical and that destroys me emotionally with the kind of insecurities that it causes me to have.

I think it is in part because of the fact that I am overweight but I’ve lost a lot of weight and have been able to keep it off, so it’s not much of an issue for me anymore. I’m way more confident in my looks now, even though I’d still have to lose a little more weight. I’m optimistic about it. Anyways, I am sure it has a lot to do with who I am as a person. I’m generally nice to anybody, I try to make people laugh and feel good but I’m also very rational and analytical and focus on the negative side of the situation a lot of the time—because that’s what I wanna change, so I feel it’s constructive to point out what’s not working. I have no grace and barely any femininity in general. I don’t dance, I barely flirt, I don’t begin conversations with strangers or, in other words, I don’t even seem available. Not because I wouldn’t want to but because all of the things that incidentally make me seem so I simply hate doing. My two main interests are also rather uncommon: politics and philosophy. I like who I am but I don’t think guys are attracted to that and I’m not entitled to being liked, I know, but it still bothers me. I know they like me in a way, since I get along well to very well with 3 of the guys I’ve ever wanted to be with (There have been only four so far) but they’re never interested in me in any other way. It confuses me because I seem to like people who are similar to me but I guess they’re never similar enough to like people similar to them or maybe there is something else wrong here.

I don’t know how to cope with who I am anymore since I like it but it makes me feel very unwanted. I tried to hear other opinions in hopes I might be wrong but I think all the arguments that came my way were poor and only made me more certain of my position. (From Romania)

 I deeply appreciate the angst combined with the desire to make things better. I wouldn’t try to change your personality as much as I would try to find like-minded people with similar interests. My advice? Dive into the things you are interested in. Find the groups and clubs and classes that allow you to be more of who you are. Doing this often allows people to be attracted to one another. We tend to enjoy people who share our interests.

Capitalize on your character strengths — not what you are lacking. I’d encourage you to take the VIA character survey for your age group and strive to use your top strengths. This should allow you to be more authentically you, which is typically very attractive.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Searching for Happiness in My Life

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 15th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

For the past year, I’ve been struggling to be positive, happy, or feel good about myself, my life, or my relationship. I feel sad and depressed most of the time, crying almost daily. About a year ago, I moved to a new state with my boyfriend. We have been together for about a year and a half now. Ever since the transition of moving and getting a new job, it’s been difficult for me to be happy. I’m constantly sad about my relationship, not feeling satisfied, and where my life is going. My boyfriend is kind and loving, but I always seem to find fault with things on a daily basis. I end up lashing out at him for my own insecurities and feelings of us not being “perfect.” My anger and unkind behavior towards him is creating distance between us. His feelings are hurt by my actions and words and it makes me feel even more sad and depressed. I feel as though I’m pushing away good things in my life because of my unhappiness. Our sex life is also suffering and I feel as though we aren’t connecting the way we used to, on an intimate level. I have support around me from my family and friends, but somehow I always seem to sink into my sadness. I’m sad about my body, my looks, my desire to grow professionally, monetary issues, and of course how I’m doing in my relationship with my boyfriend. I’ve tried to do things for myself and find a personal sense of accomplishment and joy; however, a little thing like laundry, or not getting a hug when I get home from work can create a tidal wave of insecurity and sadness. I often think about running away from everything. I think sometimes that I’m such a bad person for being mean or expecting so much from my boyfriend that he doesn’t deserve to be with me. I’m nervous about ruining our relationship. My constant crying and need for attention is making him want to be more separate from me, which then causes more stress and sadness on my part. I’m in desperate need for happiness or at least a better understanding of how to deal with my feelings. I have so many wonderful things in my life, things to be thankful for, and people that care for me, but I can’t seem to stop being so sad all of the time. Please help, I would be very grateful. Thank you.

Thank you for your letter. The symptoms that you described sound like they have been difficult for you to manage for a while. In light of this I think getting a professional opinion about your situation would be helpful. Trying to understand why you cry every day and are so critical of those who thought of seems important. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you find a therapist in your area.

Learning the cause of these symptoms would be essential in making the changes you want.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Get Over an Inferiority Complex?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 21st, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Malaysia: I’m Asian and grew up constantly being compared to other people, especially my sister, in terms of grades, achievements, sports and basically everything. The problem was that i bad at everything, even if i were average, it wasn’t good enough at all.

My parents love me no doubt but having that constant judgement of disappointment gave me an inferiority complex where i constantly compare myself to other people. And if I didn’t do the best, doesn’t matter in what, i’ll beat myself up over it(not physically). Always thinking, why am i not as good, always so useless, pathetic and just get annoyed at myself. I have been doing this for so many years to the point where i don’t see any positive point in myself. Whenever i feel like i’m good at something, i just think, “No, you are not, you are nothing compared to the people better than you, who the hell do you think you are?” It has gotten to the point where whenever i make a mistake, I would just burn out from work easily.

When i was about 5 or 6, my sister told me that every compliment that i get was a lie just to make me feel good. So i did a test, I purposely drew something ugly and showed it to my mother, the moment she said it was nice, I believed my sister. Well now, I understand that some compliments are true and genuine but i grew up thinking every compliment is a means nothing and it has still stuck. Because of this, it has been very very difficult for me to be positive to myself.

Whenever I fail at something, it hits me really hard. For days i will just stare at a wall, just having an endless battle in my head, “Why am i so bad”, “I should try harder, but what’s the point if you are going to fail again?” ,”there’s only so many opportunities, any more failure and you will trouble your family”, “I can’t give up!, no you can’t you can’t afford to or you will be a failure”, “aren’t i already one?, etc.

Sorry if this is abit of a long read, but i don’t know what to do anymore

Ralph Waldo Emerson, an important American writer, once said “You are what you think”. It’s true. Negative thoughts only produce more negative thoughts. Arguing with them doesn’t work. Telling yourself not to think them only makes them stronger. (Not thinking about something is thinking about it!) But you can change how you think.

One of the basic skills taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is “cognitive restructuring”. Cognitive Restructuring is a step by step process for changing your thoughts. Very simply, it goes like this:

1) Keep a journal for a few days of all your negative thoughts. Take notes about where you are, who you are with, what’s going on, etc. this is important information.
2) Analyze your information. You may find that certain situations are more likely to produce negativity than others.
3) Look at instances where your thinking is “black and white”. If, for example, you tell yourself that you always fail at something, think of times when you didn’t fail. Write them down!
4) Replace negative thoughts with the contrary information. For example, if you think “I always fail at work”, remind yourself of times when you did a good job.

This will take time and practice. So practice, practice, practice. You have years of negative thinking to undo, so it will take a while to change it. Many people find that having the help and support of a therapist makes the process more efficient.

I also urge you to go on the internet and research ways to transform negative thinking into positive thinking. It’s often reassuring to know you’re not alone in a problem. It’s often helpful to chat with others who are dealing with the same issues.

You are only 18. I’m very, very glad that you’ve identified this as a problem and that you want to fix it. You deserve the time and effort it takes to turn your thinking around so that you can have a long and successful life without constantly worrying about being failure.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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I Obsess Over Girlfriend’s Past Relationships

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 9th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My girlfriend and I have been in a rocky two-year relationship. She is amazing and my best friend. We are engaged now. We have many external stressors (my med school, her being in a city she hates, money), but also both have respective insecurities, anxiety, depression, and trust issues. I’ve come to realize that many of the problems I bring to the relationship are tied to insecurities and low self esteem. Thus, I tend to use her as a litmus test for my self-worth.

One big, consistent issue is her past relationships. At first, I avoided the conversation of our pasts every time she brought it up. Still, during this time I learned of and sometimes obsessed over some of these relationships. Since that time, we had one very emotional encounter when I basically admitted that these feelings were eating me up sometimes and I thought it was tied to the fact that I was a virgin when I began dating my last serious girlfriend, who had been with several people before me. I was secure in this 7-year relationship, but she ended up meeting up with men from her past and cheating.

That day she shared the number of her past sexual partners with me. That whole conversation seemed to help for a while. More recently, I asked her to tell me who they were. She told me, and not only was the number slightly higher, but she couldn’t remember one guy’s name. She has dated famous athletes and world-travelers. Still,rationally, none of this bothers me. I have had only slightly less encounters than her, including flings, and I have two children — plenty of my own baggage, but my irrational mind still obsesses over it.

Subconsciously, I feel both she and these men, are better than me, that there is no way she could be satisfied with me long-term, and that our physical intimacy means so little to her that she may find it easy to cheat on me. She has reassured me that she has never loved anyone more, has never been more physically satisfied, finds me attractive, and wants me to fix my insecurities. I plan on going to individual therapy to work on this. I believe these issues don’t have anything to do with her and should be left out of our couples therapy. I want to know what are some things I can do now to decrease the anxiety and compulsive thoughts?

I think you are doing it. You wrote a thoughtful and insightful letter. You are an intelligent man who knows rationally that you are unfairly reacting to your girlfriend’s history; especially since you have a relationship history of your own that includes breaking up with the mother of your children. You already know that the problem lies in your insecurities.

I don’t know why you are only “planning” on going to individual therapy. You’ve tried your best to quiet your anxieties. Your girlfriend has done the best she can to help you. In spite of your best efforts, the two of you haven’t been able to help you come to terms with yourself. Therapy, then, is the sensible thing to do and may be the only way that you will be able to save what sounds like a very promising relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mother Hated Me, Now I Hate Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 12th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Ever since i can remember, I’ve been overweight and my single mother has hated me for it. throughout my childhood she dragged me to numerous doctors to “fix” me, filling my childhood with hundred of different medications and injections. she would buy clothes for me while i was at school that were far too small for me, and when i came home she would tell me to put them on in front of her full length mirror and give me looks of pure disgust when they would bulge my stomach or arms out. grunting and sniffling and asking me if i thought anyone would ever love something who was fat like me. things changed when my sister was born. on the bright side she stopped standing me in front of mirrors, probably because we no longer ever had alone time. however her rage was without measure. i rarely spoke to her for fear of being screamed at. i love my sister dearly. growing up being the unwanted one was difficult however. many times my mother and i would fight, though i would never hurt anyone i mostly just took whatever she threw my way. insults, wishes of my death, the silverware drawer, lamps. i haven’t lived with my mother since i was 14, i moved with my grandparents when i couldn’t bare her hatred anymore. i very rarely speak to her now, once in the last year- however when we speak she acknowledges her “failure as a parent”. i hear she is a meth addict, who just recently stabbed herself in the stomach with a steak knife in drug induced psychosis. i try to contact her to see how she is. i frequently do, she just never answers. when my sister and i speak of her, she tells me my mother refers to me as “the bad child” and calls me “druggie loser” which i don’t understand at all. the problem lies with me though, as no matter how long i’ve been away from her i still cannot find the strength to not hate myself. i know that i’m kind and beautiful in my own way. i know i have a husband who loves me. i know it’s all in my head. but everyday i doubt my husband’s love. everyday i wonder how can anyone love something like me? seeing myself makes me want to cry. i’m unsure how to overcome.

The job of a parent is to produce a physically healthy and mentally healthy young adult. It is easy to create a child but exceedingly difficult to correctly parent that child. The mistake made by many parents is that they believe their job is to do their best to ensure that their child will have the most fun that is possible in childhood. Once again let me reiterate that the job of the parent is well delineated. That job is to produce the healthiest child that is possible so that their child is well-equipped, at age 18, to prosper in life. Each child is different and if you have four children the most condemning thing that you might say is, “I don’t know what happened. I have four kids and I swear to you I raised them all exactly the same way.” Each child is unique, different talents, different liabilities, each with special needs.

Some parents are very good and some are horrendous. Your mother was not only a bad parent, she was your abuser. She hurt you very badly. We don’t know what psychological liabilities drove your mother to abuse you in the manner in which she did and it’s not important. You know that she repeatedly attacked you. You know that you cried for her love and instead received her unending anger and assault.

The question now is what damage was done to you by your mother? She has obviously damaged your psyche, made you feel unlovable and unacceptable. This damage is not permanent and it has not stopped you from finding a loving, caring husband who not only finds you acceptable but finds you to be the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

The harm that your mother has done to you has not stopped you from finding and engaging in a loving relationship, but that does not mean that the damage does not exist and is not real. The harm that your mother has done to you is reversible and counseling is that treatment.

My advice to you is find a good therapist and, if the first one is not helping, try a second. If the second isn’t helping, try a third. Not all therapists are created equal. Finding a therapist isn’t like shopping for a loaf of bread. Not all dentists are created equal. They are all qualified to fill a tooth, it’s just that some are much better than others.

I am here to tell you that your problems are not difficult to solve in therapy. If your counseling is not working, blame the therapist and not yourself. Expect the happiness that you deserve and don’t stop until you get it.

I hope I’ve helped. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Boyfriend with Bipolar Broke Up with Me During His Episode

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 6th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend of one year, who I have been looking at apartments with, broke up with me out of the blue. He has been feeling suicidal, which he dropped on me as we were walking into my parents house. I was completely caught off guard and said this was a selfish (cringe) time to disclose this information since we are always together. I apologized right after we had dealt with my family and tried to talk but he didn’t want to. He said everything was fine. I offered we go home and he said he wanted to stay. We went out on a boat trip with my family the next day. My boyfriend got really drunk and got into a fight with me because he wanted me to drive him to his friends (we were in the middle of the ocean). I tried hugging him to show I loved him and it was okay and to calm down but that just made it worse. He said I tried to smother him, broke up with me in front of my family, and forced my family to take him to a private beach where he waited for someone to pick him up. Once we both got back home a few days later we tried to talk but he told me that I never supported his mental health. I had no idea he felt this way, that episodes like this were so intense. He told me he had bipolar but he never talked about it. I was really involved in finding him a therapist and I was always there but he would tell me he just “needed to be quiet” and he was “okay.” I’m not sure what to do. He won’t talk to me anymore and has wiped me from his life. This is the total opposite of the person who asked my grandfather (one month ago) for permission to marry me. I’m extremely lost. I have PTSD and so all of this is extremely triggering for me. I’ve been completely open with my mental health and the boundaries I need. I don’t know if I should keep checking on him or leave him alone. I left him alone because he said he wanted space when this first happened but then he threw in my face that i wasn’t there for him when we did talk.

Leave him alone for right now. Regardless of what the diagnosis is for your boyfriend, the timing is too important to ignore. Whether we blame this on his illness, insecurity, nerves, lack of self-confidence, or simply inappropriate behavior your boyfriend sabotaged the relationship as it was on the brink of blossoming. As I see it your boyfriend didn’t break up with you during his episode as much as his episode came during the greatest intimacy of your relationship. He asks permission to marry you, then announces he is feeling suicidal when walking into your parent’s home. You seeing this as selfish is an honest reaction, but it isn’t so much selfish as it is interesting timing, which I think is what you are reacting to.

Based on the timing alone I’d say he was having great difficulty in tolerating good things happening in his life with you. This would explain why he moved toward greater intimacy and once it became imminent he found a way to bail. Also, he didn’t take you up on the offer to go home because (my guess) he was determined (at least unconsciously) to sabotage it. Hence the drinking episode and impossible demand for you to follow through on.

This isn’t something you can fix or couple therapy can help. Your ex-boyfriend has some major issues in his life that need to be dealt with personally and professionally. They aren’t going to improve with your love and support if they can’t be taken in. As much as these things are necessary for all types of recovery a person must be able to receive them. If he is hell-bent on sabotaging your best efforts at supporting him and greater intimacy—you’ll want to give him a great deal of space—and work on nurturing yourself for now.

The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Feel Dumb, Unnecessary, Unworthy of Everything That I’ve Got

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 30th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Albania: I am a female student (age 19) currently studying economics. I study at a private university and it is the second year, the problem I am struggling with is concentration, lack of self confidence, depression, I hate everything that I do. I have spent too much money and spent everything to get in that university and still there isn’t one exam I have passed, I cant study, I feel dumb, unnecessary, unworthy of everything that I’ve got.

I used to be a good student and everything was fine but these two years I’ve been nothing but crying and failing every exam. I cant talk to anyone not my parents they only want results, they don’t know what I’m going through, to be honest I don’t know what I’m going through. I’m in desperate need of help and this is the only time Ive expressed what I feel . Please help me!

I hope expressing your feelings helped a little. You’ve been carrying these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness much too long. It must be terrible to feel so alone. I’m sorry you can’t reach to your parents for support. But if you really can’t, you do need to find other people who can help you.

In situations as you describe, I always advise people to first consult with their medical doctor. The troubles with concentration and depression just may have a medical cause. It’s at least important to check.

If you are medically okay, the next step is to look at lifestyle. Are you keeping regular hours and getting enough sleep? Are you feeding yourself well? Do you get some exercise every day? Perhaps most important, are you spending time with other people? If the answer to those questions is yes, we then move to mental health.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course, but I can tell you this: There are many people who work hard for a goal and then fall apart on reaching it. It’s as if all the energy was focused on getting to the goal and there is none left for actually enjoying it or working on it.

In my practice I’ve seen many young people who were stellar students in high school who then got into a top university and failed. Why? I think at least partly because they are tired; partly because they are competing with other stellar students for the first time and aren’t prepared for it; partly because they are on their own for the first time and don’t have the structure of high school or their parents’ rules to guide them. For these students, university is overwhelming. The response is often acute anxiety and/or depression.

If any of those possibilities seem true for you, it would be most helpful for you to see a counselor. You’ve already tried your best to help yourself with little success. It’s time to seek and accept some outside support.

I don’t know what resources are available to you in Albania. I suggest that talking with your physician is a good place to start. He or she will know where to refer you. It’s also possible that your university has a counseling center. If so, I encourage you to contact them.

If anyone reading thisis familiar with services she can access in her country, please help her out and comment. Thank you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Have Really Low Self-Esteem

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 20th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I have an extremely low self esteem for no apparent reason; my mom and my family always go out of their way to tell me im beautiful, and sometimes i feel that way, but sometimes i feel horrible, which is selfish when i think about it. I also feel really self conscious about my personality, since it feels like no one likes me, maybe thinks im annoying or that im not worth talking to them.

Before i would talk to my best friend about this, but out of no where a week ago she completely made it impossible to contact her, all her social media and messages never make it to her, which makes me feel bad cause she knew how i was feeling suicidal at the time, and just cut me off like nothing.

My other friends who i thought were close to me just hang out with each other with out inviting me, and that makes me think if anybody ever even realized i wasn’t there. People tell me im funny, the funniest person they know, they tell me they love me, and then go out of their way to not invite me places.

In my freshman year of high school, i transferred out of my towns public system and instead went to a private high school, which i hated. I was born here, but i dont look like it since both of my parents come from south of the US border, so people would call me things like border hopper.

Just recently (about 3 months ago) i transferred back to my towns public system to go to my sophmore year of high school, it was nice at first, seeing all my friends and feeling like: hey, now that im back maybe i wont feel so alone anymore. But im back to feeling like an extreme waste of space, the only reason i dont kill my self is because i love my mom and family way too much to do that to them.

I know family is the most important thing, but i cant help but to feel lost when i see all the people that i considered my closest friends hanging out without me. I also get mad easily and yell and start crying, and then the next day i feel super lively and jumpy. Even my family says it, but ive never gotten any help for it.

I suspect that the majority of teens deal with self-esteem issues, whether or not they have a strong and supportive family like yours. The teen years are a time of emotional and social uncertainty. You are figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Friends often seem fickle because they are also figuring out who they want to be and how to be with other people.

You have changed schools twice. In each place, the kids have already made their “friend group” where they feel safe. It probably isn’t personal that they aren’t incorporating you. I’m worried about the friend who seemed to drop out of sight. That may have nothing to do with you. She may have big troubles of her own.

The “cure” for your loneliness is to stop obsessing about it and to start doing things about it. Join school clubs or teams that interest you. Volunteer for some community service work that other teens are doing. When people do things together, they become more interested in each other and more bonded.

Don’t keep score about who is doing the inviting. If you want to spend time with people, invite them to do things with you — like going to a movie or school event. If you want them to celebrate your culture, consider asking your folks if you can invite some people you like over to your house for a real South of the Border dinner.

Self-esteem grows by doing, not by thinking. Get doing and you will develop that higher self-esteem you long for.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Do I Need to Have Sex with Every Man I Meet?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 18th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: Been going on since I was a teen. I’ve cheated on every boyfriend numerous times. I don’t feel guilty about it, just try to hide it the best I can. I don’t want to be with them, it’s more of a “conquering” thing. Usually it’s a one time thing, then I no longer desire them. I’ve been with over 2k men in 17 years.

Thank you for writing. This is a complicated question. Since all I have to work with is such a short letter, the only thing I can do is make a few guesses. If any of my ideas resonate with you, you might find it helpful to follow up with a visit to a licensed therapist. That’s if you want to change.

I said “if” because I’m not sure if you are troubled by your behavior. You only said you don’t feel guilt. You did say it’s more of a “conquering” thing. I’m assuming that your partners have been consenting adults, in which case no one is a victim here.

Is it possible that your letter is another expression of the issue? Are you, by any chance, gratified to see your letter about your two thousand conquests reaching thousands of people? If so, then that’s the end of the matter. You will keep doing what you are doing and you will have had an audience for it.

But if you are at all concerned about your behavior, there are a number of possibilities:

Sometimes women who are bent on conquering men are very angry with men in general. The cause is as individual as they are so I can’t venture more than that. Such women use sex to feel more powerful than men. To “love them and leave them” is a way to make men “pay” for something.

Sometimes the root of this type of behavior is sexual abuse when young and helpless. It is a misguided way to try to overcome shame, raise self-esteem, and feel powerful. By repeating and repeating some version of what happened during the abuse, the woman is trying to figure out how to change the outcome.

It’s a sad truth that people who have been victimized often come to the conclusion that there are only two possibilities for any relationship: victim or victimizer. Often people move back and forth between the two options. They are terrified of being a victim. But they are horrified to find themselves being a victimizer. Not understanding a midpoint (where one is in a truly intimate equal relationship) they ratchet between the two until it becomes unbearable. They then may become severely depressed. Hopefully they seek help from a therapist to resolve the root of the behavior.

Then there is the possibility of a  mental illness. Its not uncommon for there to be an increase in sexual behavior during the manic phase of bi-polar disorder, for example.

And there is also the possibility of a personality disorder. Guilt-free casual sex is sometimes a factor in narcissistic or sociopathic personality disorder.

I hope you will consider seeing a therapist who can hear your whole story and help you figure out what you are achieving by living this way. Whatever the reason, you are depriving yourself of a genuinely close, caring, loving relationship. I think you deserve to have that in your life.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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This Guy Is Leading Me On & It’s Killing Me Literally

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 16th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m at a loss for what to do as its ruining my life. For about 2 years now I have been totally head over heels over one of my brothers friends. Nearly every one I know tells me that we make a good couple, even his own mother! I have been trying so hard to impress and make him notice me and I push myself to great extents to make him happy and I have based life decisions on what I thought he would think of me. Unfortunately, he has just treated me like I don’t exist. He has never even trated me like a friend or an equal. He ignores me and acts like im nothing in his eyes. But then again he also acts like there is a great chance of us being together and he makes out that he likes me back and I get really confused. I have BPD so I think that’s contributing to my heart ache. My legs are covered in scars thanks to him, yet I always want to be around him. Sometimes I feel such hatred for him that I could quite happily wring his neck but the next minute I’m drowning in despair over why he won’t love me like I do him. I put so much effort in for no return and it’s killing me. I don’t know why I can’t just forget about him. My thoughts are always riddled with what is wrong with me? I question self worth and I loath my self because I’m not good enough. I don’t know what to do anymore, this whole thing is ruining me.

Being “head over heels” in love can blind you to the many possible negative attributes of your love interest. In your case, you would like to develop a relationship with a particular person but he may not be interested. I’m also concerned about the intensity of your feelings for this individual. As you stated, “it is killing you, literally.”

It seems as though your life has revolved around this individual despite believing that he is not interested in a relationship. Your blinded devotion has led you to essentially mold your life around his, which has caused you significant physical and psychological pain. From a psychological perspective, this is not healthy.

I would strongly recommend counseling. It is important that you focus on developing a healthy sense of self-esteem. A lack of self-esteem is in all likelihood contributing to your unhealthy attachment to this individual.

You also mentioned that you have BPD which may mean that you have bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. In either case your symptoms, if not well controlled, may be contributing to this problem.

I’m also recommending counseling for two other reasons: this problem is significantly interfering with your happiness and you are engaging in self-harm. Self-harm is a sign that someone lacks the ability to solve problems in a psychologically healthy way. I hope that you’re able get the help that you deserve. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Therapists Confirm My Low Self-Worth or Seek to Lower My Self-Esteem

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 25th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have very low self-esteem. Every therapist I have seen in my life has made a point of telling me I am homely and unattractive, whether I brought up the subject of my looks or not. In a group they were intent on assuring another patient how pretty she was, but at the same time putting me down. We both had short hair and no makeup. Other therapists have put me down as unfixable unattractive, even when I had long hair, makeup, and a basically fit body. Male and female therapists alike expressed this opinion, even when they liked me as a person and enjoyed working with me. I know I’m not a supermodel, but I think I’m pretty enough for people in general. Why would providers tear down a vulnerable patient like this? (From of USA)

There are several elements of your question that I think are very interesting and important to explore. I’d like to focus on three of them.

The first is the fact that you’ve written to us about this issue. It demonstrates bravery, honesty, and humility in taking what sounds like a long-standing issue and putting it front and center. Since the issue is self-esteem you’ve begun with the most important feature, which is learning to speak up and having a voice about your needs. Bravo!

Our very own Marie Hartwell-Walker has written an excellent book on self-esteem that can be very helpful in continuing to develop your strength and voice. You can learn more about the book here and here.

The second of your concerns has to do with the fact that there is universality among different therapists at different times, in different formats, across gender. You identify the phenomenon as life-long, in group and individual psychotherapy, with every male and female therapist, and coming at you unsolicited. This is important because it means that no matter where you look in the therapeutic community there is one recurring theme happening — they are all pointing out how unattractive and homely you are.

Whenever there is a universal theme that pops up in therapy, particularly when the matter is life-long and with multiple activators, the first question to entertain is what could be causing this? If someone told me everywhere they are looking the world seems colored in an orange tint — the first thing I’d look to see is if they are wearing orange-colored glasses.

To test this out you’d want to ask yourself two questions. First, did this type of put-down occur in your family of origin or in other significant relationships? If it has, then this becomes a very fertile ground to explore because it means that there have been other incidents where the people who should have loved you treated you poorly. If this is the case, the therapeutic environment is where it is happening again. This changes the understanding of the phenomenon because it is a recurrence — not a first-time happening.

The second question you’ll want to ask is if there is any incidence where this wasn’t happening in therapy. Look for the differential. See if there were times when this wasn’t happening, or people that it didn’t happen with that could be explored. Understanding where it doesn’t occur is as important as understanding where it does.

Finally, I would highly recommend that whatever the results of your thinking on this topic produce that you bring it back into therapy. Tell the therapist immediately when you feel it has happened. This gives both empowerment to you, and insight for the therapist to work with in making a change that can be helpful.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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