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How to Deal with an Over-Jealous Sister?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been upset these days: I have a little sister who is several years younger than me. We grew up together and had a fine relationship back then. Up until I turned into a teenager in high school, her attitude started to change. I realized she started to bad-mouth people that she didn’t get along with so I keep a distance with her. Things get worse due to forceful interference from family members. Until later and even now, whenever I try to get over the barrier and mend our relationship a bit by looking to her fine points and praise her, she became so conceited. It gets to the point that she’d bad-mouth me or even her brother (also younger than me) to make herself look good in front of parents and others.

It seems like she always try to prove herself to be the best, the smartest while while she’s not really. She got envious and show that directly whenever I got recognition for my education/schooling, my job or anything little thing that I do. I think she’s just so ridiculous, just never grow up. It comes to the point where she did cruel things to my pets that I love just to draw attention or as a way to deal with her own negative feelings, I don’t really know. just what’s the problem with her? She wanted to go for an art school, but it turned out she didn’t have enough passion and patience for that. She quit and claimed to go for the medical school, it’s way too difficult for her and she quit again. No one including me said anything about that as long as she tries to accept herself and focus on current tasks. Then she got out of school, applied for a job and quit sometime later. Her over-conceited attitude caused her trouble at workplace again.

And now, she’s direct her insecurities at me who got higher than her whenever possible. I really hate that kind of fraud. What should I do? (From the USA)

  I don’t think this is yours to fix. You stated your age in the profile as 29 — and at this stage in life your emphasis needs to be on your growth and development rather than trying to heal your sister.

There is wisdom from Al-anon, the 12-step program for family and friends of people who struggle with alcohol. They suggest to “detach with love” as a way of coping. I’ve written about this here, and think you might find some useful thoughts about your relationship with your sister. The key is to realize this is your sister’s issue and not letting it become yours is key. Less contact, less sharing of the particulars of your life, and more emphasis on developing those relationships where you are prized and appreciated and you can support others is the way to go.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Am I a Bad Person?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: I didn’t get my first best friend till I was 19. Me an ENFP, her an INFJ. She is reserved, introverted, grew up in devout Christian family, where everything is brushed under the rug. Well off. Book smart. I was your stereotypical extrovert. Silly, spontaneous. My family is open, but loud, chaotic, and had no structure. Poor. Street smart.

I was a Pollyanna till this point, I was going through a lot. In all areas of life. And She kept giving me unsolicited and unrealistic advice. I also have severe depression. I had become negative. I’m sure I was annoying. I’m also very sensitive. Once I’m in, I’m all in.

I could feel her slipping away. Finally, we had a big fight. Both of us yelling. She called me high maintenance and my mom crazy, I did the signature enfp response, she did the signature infj door slam. I fell into a deep depression. I was suicidal. She acted like I didn’t exist, gossiped, and told lies. I’ve always suppressed my emotions, and acted like the class clown, cause that’s what i’ve learned. She was the first person I let my walls come down for. I warned her as soon I show my emotions she’ll leave. She denied it.

To be honest I never fully recovered from my problems. I have PTSD and no one to talk to about it. I know I must have been difficult, cause infjs only door slam people at last resort. But I’ve seen this girl door slam a lot, and over smaller things. I did tons and tons of research, and I knew nothing about introverts. Now I understand she just needed time to recharge. And I get my energy from talking. I didn’t understand at the time, both didn’t understand the other’s needs.

I did what I call a personality cleanse. Cultivating the good qualities I was lacking, removing the bad ones. Now I’m an ENFJ. She has started to say nice comments or like my posts. I don’t know how to feel. I love infjs, think their awesome. Think she’s awesome. I know I’m a terrible person. Now when I ask people for advice ( usually online), they say I’m crazy. I know my words are kind of everywhere, but that’s cause I can only type so many words, and there’s a lot of details. So am I crazy and/or terrible?

I don’t think you are crazy or terrible. I do think you are putting far too much pressure on one relationship. Instead of focusing so much on all the ins and outs of your friend’s and your own personality, I think you need to work on increasing your social circle. That doesn’t mean instantly finding a whole lot of new best friends. It does mean expanding your life to include a number of friendly acquaintances. Doing volunteer work, joining an activity (like a book club or a community sport team) or becoming active in a faith community, as only a few examples, will put you regularly in contact with people who share your interests. Over time, some of those people may get to know you well enough to become real friends.

Meanwhile, as you pointed out, you have some personal work to do so you aren’t so needy. You say you have PTSD and no one to talk to. Please do consider finding a therapist. Don’t assume you can’t afford it. Talk to your doctor about local options for free therapy or for a list of therapists who have a sliding fee scale.

Online forums can provide valuable support but you need face-to-face contact with other people to get the experience you need to manage face-to-face relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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He Ended Our Relationship and I’m Struggling to Cope

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an 18 year old woman in Scotland: My boyfriend ended our relationship of quite a few months a week ago. He made me call him, he was sobbing and told me he was sorry, he couldn’t do it, that we were ‘too far apart when we weren’t together’ and that he was ‘different with me than to his friends’.

We’d been having problems with distance, but we were talking and fixing it. He’d made plans with me the night before for the upcoming weekend, then 12 hours later he ended it. He’d made loads of promises to me and he spoke about the future loads, but then he just gave in on things. A couple of close friends think it’s just a case of him not knowing what he wants, or simply us being the right people at the wrong time.

I miss him terribly. I can’t keep myself busy because I live on a farm and have no way out, and my friends are all annoyed with me because I’m so depressed all the time. I realize that I’ll never get him back, but I still love him dearly. He just seems to have moved on so quickly (new job, out clubbing/partying every night, his band is doing really well) whereas I can’t let go.

His social media presence has picked up a lot too; it’s like he’s free without me. I just feel so inadequate, so lonely and shut out from everything and everyone. I haven’t contacted him since things ended, and he hasn’t tried to speak to me either. I don’t think he even wants to be friends. I’m just hurting so much, and I realise I’ll get past it eventually.

I just want things back to being the way they were before it all just fell apart. I’ve started doubting everything since he ended it; university, jobs, the future, dreams, I just feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

Sometimes two people who are involved with each other are having a very different time. You were clearly attached. He wasn’t in the same place. As painful as it is to be rejected, he has done you the favor of ending it before you became even more attached when he wasn’t. It would have been so much worse if he had strung you along and then left you after a year or so.

Although it may feel to you like you’re doubting everything due to the break-up, I have another perspective. At 18, it is normal for you to be concerned about your future. Decisions about university, career goals, and what directions to take toward your future can feel huge. For many young people, becoming 18 is fraught with meaning. Are you an adult? Are you really ready to be independent? Do you have a direction? It can feel as if you have to make the absolutely right decisions. Planning a future with the boyfriend seemed to settle some of those questions. You were under the illusion that you didn’t have to think about your own future because you were thinking about a future with him. For many young people, that’s a relief.

But here’s my wisdom for the day: You have plenty of time. You don’t have to decide your whole life now. You do have to take a risk and do something to claim your own adulthood — not as part of a couple but as your own full self. That is what will build your self-esteem. That is what will eventually help you find a partner who is also a complete adult.

I suggest you seek out a favorite teacher or other adults you trust and talk with them about the decisions they made at your age and what they learned from doing so. Ask those who know you well what they think are directions for you to take. Then do something to start getting off the farm for awhile. You may eventually decide that farm living is actually something you like. But you will be more committed to it and will be more successful at it, if it is a clear choice rather than something you do just because you are too afraid to try anything else.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Have an Unattractive Personality But I Like My Personality, Which Is Why I Feel Hopeless

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 18 and have never had a romantic experience of any sort and never came close to having such an experience either. I know it’s atypical and that destroys me emotionally with the kind of insecurities that it causes me to have.

I think it is in part because of the fact that I am overweight but I’ve lost a lot of weight and have been able to keep it off, so it’s not much of an issue for me anymore. I’m way more confident in my looks now, even though I’d still have to lose a little more weight. I’m optimistic about it. Anyways, I am sure it has a lot to do with who I am as a person. I’m generally nice to anybody, I try to make people laugh and feel good but I’m also very rational and analytical and focus on the negative side of the situation a lot of the time—because that’s what I wanna change, so I feel it’s constructive to point out what’s not working. I have no grace and barely any femininity in general. I don’t dance, I barely flirt, I don’t begin conversations with strangers or, in other words, I don’t even seem available. Not because I wouldn’t want to but because all of the things that incidentally make me seem so I simply hate doing. My two main interests are also rather uncommon: politics and philosophy. I like who I am but I don’t think guys are attracted to that and I’m not entitled to being liked, I know, but it still bothers me. I know they like me in a way, since I get along well to very well with 3 of the guys I’ve ever wanted to be with (There have been only four so far) but they’re never interested in me in any other way. It confuses me because I seem to like people who are similar to me but I guess they’re never similar enough to like people similar to them or maybe there is something else wrong here.

I don’t know how to cope with who I am anymore since I like it but it makes me feel very unwanted. I tried to hear other opinions in hopes I might be wrong but I think all the arguments that came my way were poor and only made me more certain of my position. (From Romania)

 I deeply appreciate the angst combined with the desire to make things better. I wouldn’t try to change your personality as much as I would try to find like-minded people with similar interests. My advice? Dive into the things you are interested in. Find the groups and clubs and classes that allow you to be more of who you are. Doing this often allows people to be attracted to one another. We tend to enjoy people who share our interests.

Capitalize on your character strengths — not what you are lacking. I’d encourage you to take the VIA character survey for your age group and strive to use your top strengths. This should allow you to be more authentically you, which is typically very attractive.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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At Home Mom Finally Started Full Time Job

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years. My boys are now 12yrs old and 8 years old. I stayed home with them due to their health issues. But they are now healthy thriving smart boys.
I recently did some online courses. That helped me get a new full time job out of the home.
This is something I wanted to do. My husband makes enough to support our family. With that said.
I got this job to feel like I contribute to the household. Feel important, valued. To feel respected. To feel proud of myself. To feel like my husband is proud of me.All that has developed from this is all the opposite.I have tired to tell him how I feel. He always turns the conversation about him. So I end the conversation with no arguing. Go somewhere and cry.I will not leave this new job, I be a fool to, the pay and hours are unbelievable and very hard to find in my area. Besides the reasons I listed above about why I got this job, I also got it save money in an online account I have, so if I ever decide to leave my husband I have a good chuck of money to do so. I also learned that in divorce cases that stay at home moms don’t stand chance in our US court systems no more than they did years ago. So I am an educated women, I don’t want to made out as some poor little helpless house wife who doesn’t have two nickels to rub together.

Why the thought of leaving him? I say he cheated, he said he didn’t. This happen Aug.25, 2012. While I was still grieving of losing my younger brother who died unexpectedly on Nov.10, 2010.
With both sons health, the hubby thing, and my losing my brother these events brought me to my knees.

I do still have dark moments I want to left alone in my thoughts. I thought at age 40 was time for change. School, Lost weight, went blonde, got a job. And things be better.

So this is a start, I guess, It Not everything. I wanted to end before I ran out of room.

I applaud you making the changes in your life, but being quiet at the end of a one-side discussion only put a band-aid on the issue. Keep finding your voice and speak up when you are not being heard or validated. If you don’t, you are likely to have to work on it in the next relationship.

Individual or group therapy would be a good option for you as you move through this transition. Once you’ve begun therapy for yourself, I would ask your husband to go for a few sessions of couple therapy to help with the adjustment. Whether or not he is willing to go, you will have support for yourself to make the needed changes.

You have shown a great deal of courage in making the changes you have so far. There is more to be done. You may be growing past him.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Hong Kong: Since the beginning of secondary school, I’ve been noticing that I’ve been feeling more down. And I also experienced an increase in anxiety. I’ve always been an anxious kid, but this increased and now it has reached to the point where sometimes I can’t eat in public much. Since I am dealing with overweight issues, i feel like anything everyone will be thinking why I’m eating even though I’m fat already. My family don’t understand this, they keep on eating outside while I just want to go home.

My father was abusive towards my mother. He was a alcoholic and would regularly come home drunk. And he was a big cheater. My mother forgave him for his cheating habits multiple times. He fathered two children with two different women. They are divorced now.

I’ve been lying more frequently. When people ask me if I’ve ever been suicidal, if I’m depressed, if I’ve ever had really bad things happen to me, my answer is always no. I never tell my closest friend anything I’m going through. I don’t think they care.

I hate my life. My main emotion I feel like is anger and loneliness. I always feel angry, most of the time with no reasons. And I feel like I might lash out, and I’m really scared if that happens. Cause I’ve been holding my anger for years. I’ve been thinking about death since 3 years ago, nothing motivates me. I’ve tried reading motivational quotes and articles about why I should not feel depressed or be suicidal, but they don’t help at all. I’ve been to the doctors a lot for stomach issues. They don’t really have answers and the medicines they give me don’t help.

I feel my friends don’t care about me. That they just took me in the group cause they feel bad for me.I feel so lonely sometimes I want to cry. I feel like no one will love me, I’m so serious that no one will love me. I can’t imagine in the future that I will get a partner.

I do want to go see a professional, but they costs a lot here. And I don’t think my mother understands what depression is. I think I’ll be lying to my therapist about how I really feel.

I’m sorry if this is a big mess.

Your letter is only a reflection of how you feel. It’s a “mess” because you feel like a “mess”. You are so discouraged about the possibility of making changes that you are giving up on yourself — even more than your friends have. Generally, teenagers don’t hang around with someone just because they feel “bad” for them. It’s more likely they like you but are as discouraged as you are about how to help you.

I agree with you. Some professional help would probably be helpful. But only if you are honest with your feelings. We therapists only have what people tell us to go on. If you do decide to see someone, please take this letter and response with you and share it. Doing so will help the therapist quickly get to your issues and be more helpful.

It might also be a good idea for you to share your letter with your mother as a way to help her understand how seriously discouraged you really are.

If seeing a professional isn’t possible, please look into joining a support group here at LifeHelper. Go to the “Find Help” tab on the home page. Then click on the “forums and support groups”. You will probably find a group of people who can offer you support and practical advice.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Girlfriend Is Really Depressed and I Believe It’s Her Parents’ Fault

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been in an online relationship a transgender girl for nearly two years and she’s struggled with depression and self-esteem issues since she came out as trans a few months prior to us getting together. She talks to me about how her parents don’t really seem to care about her. One time, her parents were watching a show that made fun of trans folk and they leered at her when she came into the room. Another time, her mom tried to make her out to be mentally retarded to get support money.

It’s my belief that they’re basically tying her down mentally when she’s telling me thinks that she’s a failure and that she’d do them a favor by not existing (I mean over time, not right now omg call the police). Especially now that they aren’t making any real income right now. She feels useless since she feels like she isn’t emotionally stable enough to work at 17, she had to stop taking school due to stress a few months ago, and everything’s kinda taking a toll on her.

I found this website and I bugged her to try to ask about what she should do, but she wants me to do it instead. I’ve always tried to be there for her and I’m always trying to be optimistic to her, but it doesn’t come through to her when she’s in a depressed mood.

I’ve asked if I could email her parents or talk to them in a call but she tells me they wouldn’t necessarily trust me because I’m just some guy on the internet. They don’t know I’m in a relationship with her.

I want to know if there’s anything I tell her or do with her overtime to help with her issues. (From the USA)

 Of all the things you have written about your girlfriend I want you to focus on one thing only — for the purpose of understanding how futile your efforts are going to be. At the beginning of your 4th paragraph is your answer to everything that is going to follow: “but she wants me to do it instead.”

There are a lot of terms for what happens to those who take up the challenge for doing for others when they are not willing to do for themselves — but whatever the term the bottom line is that there will be no change because she isn’t even interested in exploring the possibility. No one can take a bath for you. And your girlfriend can’t ask you to do the work for her to help her. This will leave her in the role of a critic, rather than as the agent of change she needs to be.

Right now you are more invested in making changes in her life than she is. I would stop offering suggestions, help in searching, etc., and just listen. I’d wait until you are invited to do something — stop trying to do it for her. Only then can a genuine effort toward change occur.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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